Tag: mental illness

I think I am the Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I think I am the Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going…

I had set my med and wake alarm at the same time. One woke me up. I got a few hours sleep as my pain was keeping me up. My mood was too as I had hit the suicidal lows. I know I was ecstatic about the book but like anything good that happens, it doesn’t seem to last long and my mood drops severely.

My groceries came a little after 0930, which gave me plenty of time to go to the Square to get the beef I needed for chili cornbread casserole and Starbucks which I was craving severely by this point. I figure I would take the new journal and break it in with stuff I always keep in the beginning of the book. I had breakfast as I had my yummy espresso. I cut it down to four shots, mostly to be saving money. I will get more if I have a crummy night sleep and then need to be somewhere.

After I finished eating, I tried to write but I grabbed the pen I accidently washed. It was self-contained and I am glad it was because it exploded. I got ink all over my hand. Nice. I packed up and went to the butcher shop. I looked over the ground beef selection and fish. Fish was ridiculously priced. It was like $10/lb and most of the packages were not even close to a pound. I went to the register and then went to the bus stop, almost forgetting my espresso.

I had to go to Walgreens for my mother. I also had some coupons that were going to expire so I did a little shopping. I got stuff for my mother and I. I had no idea what I bought was going to be so fricken heavy. I mean I got a 4lb bag of sugar and it felt like a ton. I guess between my two journals and the sugar, I was carrying a lot. I also got some other stuff but nothing really heavy. I guess I was tired with the heat and carrying stuff just was not in the works. I had to take breaks so it was a long walk home.

I had forgot to take out the corn for the casserole so I had to wait a bit before cooking. I rested a bit and showed what I bought to my mother. I put it away. She was happy I got the stuff off. I told her I couldn’t get the Dawn dish detergent because they didn’t have a scent I liked as the blue was out of stock. She said why and I said because I don’t want to smell apples while washing dishes.

I got tired of waiting and started cooking the onions and then the beef. When the beef was close to done, I put the oven on. While the beef was going through the last few minutes of cooking, I got the cornbread mix ready. I had bought some milk because my mother had very little left. I guess that was also heavy in addition to the sugar I was carrying. It was only a half-gallon. I wanted a quart but they didn’t have them, just half and gallon. Oh well. When the beef was done, I mixed the other ingredients in and then put the milk in the bowl with the cornbread mix. I put the beef mixture in the Pyrex dish and then poured the cornbread mix. I didn’t spread it evenly. I had the oven on 400 degrees. It took forever to cook and brown. Last time I made it, I didn’t cook it long enough so parts of it was not cooked. There was no egg in it so it is okay to eat. I didn’t want to put the whole two boxes in but I did. Next time I won’t put all of it (like I said last time (shrugs)).

While the casserole was cooking, I made lemon pudding for the pie I wanted to make. I put the pudding in the graham crust and…I didn’t have enough pudding because the crust was bigger than I thought it would be. Crud. I put the cool whip on it anyway. It is still in the fridge. I’ll have some later. I was fricken hot. I wanted my bed and the AC. The cornbread was taking forever so I did the dishes. I then waited some more. My battery on my phone was draining. I was listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Come On, Come On album as today is the 26th anniversary of its release. I love the album. I was singing along. I don’t think there is a song I dislike on it. I have listened to it so many times that even if there was, it probably grew on me.

My doc changed the time we were supposed to meet. Now I am seeing her Friday instead of tomorrow. I am glad because the bus I take home is being rerouted due to a 4th of July thing. I went upstairs to cool off as the casserole was done and it needed to “rest”. I was conflicted as to whether I would have a slice or have a leftover burger. I had a burger and then went upstairs. I am so damn tired and wanted a nap. I tried to take one but my foot cramped up. I took some magnesium rather than an Ativan. I have not been drinking fluids today, which is probably why I cramped. I have been trying to drink water or Powerade but I haven’t been that thirsty.

I am now listening to the Sox hammer the Angels. They have a 6-0 lead right now. Hope Porcello doesn’t cough it up.

long day of doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day of doing nothing

My day kind of started around 0130 when loud thunderstorms woke me up. It took me a while to get back to sleep. Around 0330, I checked to see if my check had been deposited and it wasn’t. I checked again an hour later, nothing. I went back to sleep. My med alarm went off and I checked the pollen count to see if I needed an extra allegra. The count was low/medium so I didn’t take it. I just took my pain and BP meds. I had to pee really bad. My mother was in the fricken bathroom. Fuck. I didn’t have time to go down another flight to my sister’s apartment. I waited as long as I could then went the bathroom. I wanted to brush my teeth but my mother was washing up. Also trying to make conversation with me when I didn’t feel like talking. I figure I would brush later.

Went back to my room and checked my bank. The money was deposited. YAY. I ordered my groceries after removing some items as it somehow went up to $175. Yikes! I went on some kind of spree. It was like a ton of soda. No idea why I wanted practically every kind of coke zero Peapod had. Once the cart was down to a reasonable amount, I placed the order. I picked a Wednesday time. One thing knocked off my list. Then I put some cash on my Starbucks account. I then went back to sleep, even though I was hungry. I figure I would sleep for an hour and then order food. I slept for two hours and woke from a weird dream.

I ordered lunch. Then I listened to the radio as I read Harry Potter. I was listening via my phone. A message come through and wiped out the app. I just continued reading. Pain has been up and down all day. It kind of got worse around 1800. It would be three hours before my next dose of ER meds. I took the IR kind so that I wouldn’t be in much pain. I just got up to take my night meds and my ankle went berserk. All day my legs have been really sore. My calves do not want to be stretch out to walk. I really don’t know what to do about it. I did some PT exercises but my hip didn’t like it. It has been sore all weekend. I am not letting the PT touch it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. I see PT in the morning and then have therapy in the afternoon, a two hour window, maybe two and a half. I have no idea when the next bus to the station will come after PT. Therapy is no where near PT. I have to do some traveling. I just hope that I have time to get to a Starbucks for java. I might get a mocha as a treat. I made sure I took my meds on time. Sox are off tonight so I won’t be tempted to be up late. I wanted to order Chinese food but I really don’t feel like waiting for it as it is getting late. I am still full from the sandwich I had around 1330. It was huge and I had yummy onion rings. If I am not too sore Wed, I will make my barber his chili cornbread that he likes. I bought some of the ingredients for it. I also got stuff for lemon pie. I am dying for something lemony. It is really simple. Graham cracker crust, lemon pudding, and topped with cool whip. YUM.

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

I literally spent the day changing my bed. I started by washing my fleece Red Sox blanket. It is more of a throw but it covers me well and is nice and cozy. While it was in the washer, I had breakfast, made coffee, and then had lunch. My new washer takes like an hour or more for one load. When it was done, finally, I put it in the dryer and went back to my room.

I took off the rest of my office. I rested for a bit before taking the sheets off. After I took the sheets off, my back was hurting so I rested so more. I thought after a few minutes, it would calm down, but it didn’t. My foot started acting up. I took my breakthrough med. I rested for a bit to let the meds work. I had my sheets ready to go as I have two sets. I put on the fitted sheet and my back again went berserk. This was going to take a while. I could feel that this back was just going to continue to act up.

When it settled down some, I put on the sheet, and blanket. Then I put some of my office on my bed and snapped a pic. I posted it and then rested for a bit. My foot flared again. Nothing was going to help the flare. Even now, hours later, I am still hurting. My mother was making dinner. I wanted something sweet so went downstairs for some ice cream. I wanted cake but we didn’t have any. The dryer was still going with my blanket. I put the sheets in the washer. When I finished with the ice cream, I took the blanket and went back to my room.

I put the blanket on and then snapped another pic to post. A few friends commented that I put it on “wrong” and that I had to put it the other way immediately. I was like whatever. I rested some more, or tried to. I was so damn tired. I wanted a damn nap but I didn’t want to sleep. Then my mother called saying she needed help with dinner. Fuck. Seriously? I went downstairs to see what she needed. My back was ready to divorce me. She wanted me to make the mashed potatoes. I said okay. I love making mashed potatoes. Dinner was pretty much done except for this dish. When I was done, I got the plates and utensils. I served my mother the potatoes and handed her the chicken cutlets she made. I got my plate when my mother said to make a plate for my brother in law. Ok. I grabbed another plate and started making a plate for me and my brother in law. Then she wanted me to bring it downstairs. NOPE. Not happening. My mother took her sugar and it was low. I have no idea if she gave herself insulin or not as I wasn’t paying attention. After she ate, her sugar was still low so I got her some juice. She said half a glass and that is what I got her. She said it was too much juice. Just fucking drink it. Fuck!! I started putting things away as she wasn’t feeling well. Then she went into the TV room.

I put the food away and some things in the sink. Then I went upstairs. I needed to rest. I got to my room and changed the damn blanket before I got in bed. Why, I don’t know. I took a pic and sent it to my friends that said it was “wrong”.

My back and ankle is about to sue me for divorce. I HATE changing sheets with a passion. I do it infrequently because it causes me so much damn pain. I will probably be sore tomorrow. The game is playing now but I don’t care. I have the country radio on and I just feel like listening to that. I can’t believe that it is almost the all star break and I am already starting to lose interest. I think it is more to do with my mood disorder than the sport. The team has been doing fairly well, even though they aren’t playing their best. They had an up and down game last night but pulled out a win. It was a good game but I couldn’t stand to turn on the radio and I was so upset. I was just in too much pain. I was just getting updates via Twitter or facebook.

I took my meds so I think I am going to read some Harry Potter and call it a night. I think I earned it. Just hope my pain doesn’t get worse. That will not be good.

What I started writing yesterday and stuff I did today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

What I started writing yesterday and stuff I did today

So this is what I wrote yesterday:

I am so flipping enraged. Just came from seeing my pcp. He was interested in how I was doing with the med change. Jerk said he was extremely skeptical about opioids helping me at all. Well take this chickenshit, my pain is reduced 50% aside from flares, which nothing seems to help. He was glad he was wrong. But can you imagine the big “I told you so” if I got no relief? I can’t believe the ignorance. Totally dumbfounded and hurt I would left to deal with excruciating pain and nothing to treat it with when there is something to treat it. So anyone who says opioids don’t work for CRPS, THEY ARE FULL OF CRAP!! So I then tell him my back has been acting up due to weather changes. My lumbar spine and sacrum do not want to move. Asked if taking ibuprofen was ok and he says it has risks of heart problems and hypertension. But mostly stomach issues. I should use it sparingly. Why the fuck is this over the counter if it causes so many problems? And doctors prescribe it like candy or more potent NSAIDs like naproxen or diclofenac?? Idiot. I just rolled my eyes. I cannot believe this idiot is practicing medicine at a world class hospital.

Today I find out that he is worried about my sodium levels as they dropped again since the last time I had them checked. He is going to talk to my psychiatrist and has ordered blood and urine tests to rule out what is causing my blood sodium to drop other than medication. I wrote back to him and asked what the tests were (I am a lab geek, after all) and if the PCOS I have might be affecting my pituitary, thus messing up my blood levels. I don’t think I will get an answer tonight as I thought of this around 1900. He did tell me that if I felt ill to go to the urgent care.

I spent most of the day clearing off my bed so I can change my bed sheets. I had to do it in increments because my back kept flaring if I stood longer than 10-15 minutes. Then I couldn’t find my reacher on my bed so finally cleared off nearly everything except my office essentials like my journal, laptop, and book that I am reading. I made pancakes this morning and then had buffalo wings for dinner. I was so sleepy after dinner that I had to lay down. I was hoping to sleep but I couldn’t.

Tomorrow, I will be able to change my sheets. I plan on washing them and my blanket. I have another set of blankets that I will put on. They won’t be as warm as the Red Sox fleece I am using now. I think I am going to put the hospital blanket on and then the Red Sox. That should keep me warm and if I am too warm, I can always take it off. I have to keep my leg warm because the AC might make my foot cold. Plus I get cold and like to get cozy under the blankets at night.

I was feeling really down last night. Pain was elevated and so was my suicidality. I wrote a blog. When I finished it, I sent it off to a couple of suicidologists, including the president of the American Association of Suicidology because something she posted on Twitter bothered me and I had written about it. She tweeted me in the morning and we had a discussion but I could tell she wasn’t getting what I was trying to say. It amazes me that these people want to prevent suicide yet belittle the thoughts of those who actually live with chronic suicide ideation. She had written a study that had showed more than 132 people are affected per suicide. It was dispel the thoughts that Dr. Shneidman had that at least six people were affected. He said this but never studied it. No one knows where he got this number and he is deceased so we will never know. Her study was important. But what the bereaved suicide loss persons don’t realize is that saying loved ones will be hurt and others will be affected, some how guilt trips them into staying when they do not wish to live anymore. I was trying to explain this and we weren’t getting anywhere. Depression already caused excessive amounts of guilt. Add this information and it is overwhelming, which is what I was trying to get at but obviously wasn’t explaining right. She is a very intelligent person but I really think that lived experienced people and others who think of ending their lives might be too painful for her to deal with and so gets offended. I have seen it happen to me one too many times. Yes, it does make you stop and think of who you are hurting when you are thinking of taking your life. But then you (the suicidal person) have to wonder, is my suffering greater than those I love? And if this was a physical, terminal illness like cancer, would they still feel the same?

It just bothers me so much that people who are already suffering from huge amounts of pain, physically and mentally, still go on with their lives because they basically feel trapped. I know I do. I feel trapped by not want to cause pain to my family and friends with my death and the pain I already have that I was so desperately to end. It is tearing me apart some days, especially when the dawn approaches and I no longer have such intense feelings of ending my life. One of the suicidologists was glad I had made it through the night. She was the only one that said that. I am sure the others would have thrown my ass in the hospital if they could. I write a lot about my feelings because I don’t have a lot of support. It is also cathartic for me to write. If I lose this, for whatever reason, I know I will die. I think I even emailed my psychiatrist last night about why am I still around? Why am I still here. And will she let me go? I was half expecting a response or a phone call. I got neither. I see her next week so I know I will talk about it, least I hope to if I am not chickenshit. She sometimes scares me because she has this way about her that when she says something, I have to listen and “follow orders”. I have never not done what she said when she says it in that tone she has. She has known me for a long time. I respect her a lot and she respects me a lot. She looks up a lot to me because I have been through so much.

Next week is going to be difficult as I have a lot going on. But right now, all I care about is changing my sheets and reading Harry Potter as well as keeping track of the Sox. Oh, almost forgot, the blog that I wrote early this morning was chosen by some paper and published on their platform. Pretty cool!