How I feel right now is pitiful indeed. My thoughts are surrounded by suicidal ideation and I really don’t think I can get out this month without trying to end my life. The feelings are hard pressed. They cut through me like a knife, they hit me deep within my soul. The midnight demons I call them are going to kill me one day. I just cannot seem to stop thinking of ending my life. I have a date and how I am going to do it. I just need to figure out the where and what time. No one will stop me. I have decided that I am not going to tell anyone except this online blog. I know that what I am feeling right now will change by morning and I won’t feel this way again until after the midnight hour. The pain is horrible and fills every crevice of my being. I can’t go on feeling like this but it is just a moment. I have to try and remember that and that it will pass. I get so tired of feeling this way all the time. I plan to the nth degree the end of my suffering in detail and then when the time comes to execute my plan, I most of the time do not have the energy to do it or the will or the feeling to say, yea my time has come. I feel evil and demonic and most of all crazy with this feeling of I have to get rid of this feeling. It’s like a never ending game and it hits every year. I feel trapped and isolated. No one knows my suffering. No one really cares that I am suffering. NO one wants me to die but I don’t want to live. These moments will pass but the thoughts are all that I will have left on this blog. I doubt by morning light I will not remember this turmoil I am going through right now. It is killing me with every fiber of my being not to act on the impulse that I feel. But I do not want to be found in my house. I will find a hotel room and do my deed there or just drive some place off in the horizon. This moment will pass…this moment will pass…this moment will pass…
Tag: mental pain
ramblings 7
I am totally wiped out doing nothing. I have been feeling low the past week or so and it just gets worse. I have a hard time motivating myself to get dressed or to take a shower. I just don’t feel like it. Today I wanted to make a pumpkin pie but I bought the wrong kind of pie crust. Least according to my mother I did. I am too lazy to go back to S&S to return it.
My foot has been aching since Friday. I don’t know why my foot always bothers me more on weekends than during the week. It also makes me just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I was able to write a story about my attempt this weekend. I am trying to write another paper about psychache and the assessment for it but I don’t think I have the energy for it and I hate it. I just can’t get my thoughts together about what I want to say in this paper, which is part of the problem and the other half of it is procrastination. Why I am procrastinating is puzzling. It’s not like I have a deadline for this. It is just a paper that I am writing for fun. I want to analyze about psychache and the assessments used for it, almost like a compare/contrast. Problem lies that my meds are making it difficult to concentrate on my paper and reading the articles supporting my argument. I hate taking meds affecting my thinking but I have no choice. It’s either take them or end up back in the nut house.
Disappointed the Pats lost due to one stinking point. They had the lead and they blew it to lose by one stinking point!! ARGH!!!!
In my baseball world, Detroit beat the Skankees 3 zip at home in the Bronx, taking a 2-0 ALDS lead. Sweet revenge having them lose at home. I hope Detroit continues to win and beat those overpaid bastards.
Moodwise I have been in a miserable mood. Mostly stemming from a bad relationship. But I’m over it. I just wish my heart can move on as quickly as my mind can.
disability
For the past eighteen months, I have been in chronic pain with my left ankle. It started as a sprained ankle and blossomed into CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I have nerve damage in this ankle from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and CRPS affects 80% of those affected with this condition. In my case I am repetitively inflaming my peroneous muscles and tendons as I do not walk correctly. The result is constant burning and swelling of my ankle and foot.
This condition limits my walking due to pain. In December of 2011, I decided to go on medical leave of absence to try and give myself a mental and physical break from working two jobs. I was working as a lab assistant in both research and clinical areas of a large hospital. Four and a half months later, I was out of both jobs. I had decided at the end of January to work just one job and that proved to be an error on my part. I think that if I was working with research my life would have been simpler as I wouldn’t be walking so much anymore. I am now on disability and I have to say that it sucks. I went from a working member of society to nothing in just four months. I just couldn’t do the work anymore. Walking around the huge lab was killing me. I had put in job restrictions and it was rejected. After working fourteen years in the same place, I was sure to get “special” treatment. But that was not the case. I had to move to do something more sedentary. That caused me to have a mental breakdown. I was in the hospital in April of this year and then again the end of June. June was a long stay. I was there for two weeks because mentally I just could not handle doing nothing anymore. I became psychotic with the stress of not having a financial income and not being able to pay my bills. Stress always brings out the hallucinations and most of the time I can handle it but this time the voices wanted me to cut my leg so I had to go back on my meds and stay longer to have it work.
It is very depressing to be disabled. It cuts you deep inside and makes you feel so bad. Although I am collecting I’m still trying to find myself. I have days where I do absolutely nothing, least that is what I call it. I might go out to Starbucks for a coffee and write or read. I might just stay home and sleep. I might write a blog or try and read. Most of the time I play on my computer, playing online games.
When I have the energy and creativeness to write, I write about my mental state and being suicidal, what it’s like being in chronic pain, and how I am living this way. I have a lot of time on my hands and don’t spend most of it in front of the TV. There are not that many shows that I watch on a regular basis. I record my favorite shows (CSI NY, CSI, SVU, Hart of Dixie) and watch them at my leisure, which is sometimes a few days after they air. I am just too restless to sit for forty-five minutes in front of the tube.
It hurts not being able to do something during the day. I wish I loved cooking but I can’t stand too long to do something like that. I like making cookies but I don’t like the clean up. As November is slowly approaching, I am thinking of making my first pumpkin pie. That will be my goal for the holidays. I just hope that I can stand long enough to mix the batter.
Building a Therapeutic Alliance
Building a Therapeutic Alliance with the Suicidal Patient. Eds: Konrad Michel and David Jobes
This book is a work of genius among the top suicidologists in the U.S. and Europe. The editors actually want to help suicidal people get better and try to make their life worth living. Like most of Drs. David Jobes and Konrad Michal work, they have done an excellent review of the literature and made the book easy to read without a lot of psychological jargon. This book should be used as a handbook for anyone dealing with suicidal individuals. As someone who has been through many suicidal episodes with many different therapists, this book is groundbreaking. It lists his classic work of CAMS (collaborating and managing suicidality) which is a tried and true way of dealing with lethal suicidality in an outpatient setting. The other evidence based therapists will enhance therapy around this work.
The Chapters are broken down easy enough and progress from good to bad in my opinion, of the treatments that work. The conclusion was brilliant by Dr. Jobes. He has stated with clarity the hardships that are faced with suicidality such as the IRB approvals for research, clinicians wanting to work with this population, and the need to try and keep these people in therapy.
The brilliance surrounding this book is the alliance part of it. Without a therapeutic alliance, you cannot have a good report with a therapist and the therapist cannot have a good report with the client. The essential element is having a good working relationship that builds on trust and collaboration. The therapist must want to know the client’s story in a non-judgmental, non-criticizing way. By listening to this story, the therapist engages the client and the client feels validated and understood. This is a central element to helping any client in psychotherapy, in any discipline.
This book covers most of the therapeutic disciplines and how it relates to treating someone with suicidal ideation. It also offers empirical evidence that supports treatment of suicidal individuals, from psychodynamic to cognitive therapies.
I believe this book should be read by every graduate student and post graduate in the mental health field. This book can also augment education for those that are already in the field and practicing psychology or psychiatry.
midnightdemons7 
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