Tag: mental pain

really crappy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Really crappy Monday

I didn’t think I was going to write today. Pain has been up and down all day. I went out but didn’t stay out too long. I just went to the post office to mail my postcards. I took my meds early and then tried to settle down but my mood changed real quick to suicidality. I put some more thought into my plan. And my blog. I think I am going to have a day off and it will be Monday, unless I feel like writing that day.

I had another rough night of pain. It was in three places. By 1 am, I was just taking pills left and right. I didn’t care. I didn’t do anything to cause myself harm. But I was just counting down the minutes to my next dose. How is this living?? I swore I was going to call my pain doc but I was so set on just going to the post office today, that I just forgot. I basically just woke up, used the bathroom, got dressed and caught the bus. I had to come back to the house though because I forgot my wallet. I nearly knocked over the fake plants in the stairway as I had my backpack on. I didn’t think to take it off. I was just so focused to get this one thing done and then come back home. It totally exhausted me. I was supposed to watch the basketball game tonight with my nephew but I told him I couldn’t. I hurt too much, physically and mentally.

My mother made stir fry but over cooked everything. I didn’t like it. I ate some of it because I wanted the rice to help my bowels. They have been loose today for some reason. I didn’t hold the senna so I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I ordered my groceries in my midnight wonderings. They will be delivered sometime on Wednesday. I will have the pulled pork again with Portuguese rolls. Least I hope I will. I hope the driver isn’t late like he was last month.

I hate being so damn tired and can’t sleep. Trump royally pissed me off. I’m getting the slight feeling he had something to do with 9/11. There is absolutely no way to prove it though. Could just be my crazy pain driven mind. There was just something I read today that had me thinking about it. I won’t say what as the stuff it out there. He is more concerned about his fucking hotels than the US government. Typical tyrant. Can’t wait till they take him away, in cuffs. Mueller has to work quickly but I understand that he wants (like the rest of us that aren’t drinking his Fox kool aid) a solid case that won’t be shattered. I doubt I will be alive for it to happen. I feel so suicidal today and can’t really talk about it because people can’t hear me out without freaking out. I am sure just saying the “S” word has already panicked some readers.

If some whacko didn’t call the cops on me a few years ago, I could freely talk about how I feel. Now I feel scared to do so. Now I just write offline or in password protected posts, which I do so rarely. Psychache is hurting so bad today, worst than my worst CRPS pain. I have no idea why today is so bad. It just hit me all at once while I was trying to nap. I think I am just so tired of feeling miserable and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I canceled therapy and my therapist doesn’t care. He doesn’t question why I cancel like my past therapists have. My psychiatrist never responded to my email about meeting after she canceled on me last week. I am tired of putting in the effort and not seeing results. I am better off doing things on my own anyways. There are a lot of self help things online. It can be overwhelming when you feel like crap. Today I did my one thing (going to the post office and having something to eat with my espresso). That was enough for me today. Now I can crash. I wish I could do more but that was enough. My sister bought tickets for a movie that I really want to see, a comedy called The Book Club. We are going to see it tomorrow night. I think that will be good. I haven’t laughed in a really long time, other than the funny dog or cat videos I see. I can’t remember the last movie I saw, probably the Rim. I really want to see Jurassic World. I think it is out sometime next month. I have seen two of the three Jurassic movies. I like them. I wanted to buy the trilogy but it sold out before I could buy it. I am sure Amazon will have it again.

hard decision but had to be done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Hard decision but had to be done

I had an upcoming appointment with the LGBT clinic for going forward with the transition. A month or so ago the doc had called me wanting to talk to me about making sure my pain was well controlled before starting testosterone. I wasn’t hopeful that things were going to move forward and I had already made plans for my demise. The following week I had the pain doc appt and was told of the med change. I am still fricken waiting for the med change so I figure why bother going forward with transition when a) my pain isn’t going to be relieved and b) I am just going to die anyway. I canceled the appointment. It was extremely hard and didn’t think it affected me until I wrote it out in a tweet. I started crying at the loss that I will continue to be someone I am not.

It hurts more than my CRPS pain to continue to live in this stupid effing body. I know testosterone wouldn’t change my bone structure and even with phallic surgery, I would still be a female. I just hate that I won’t have more facial hair and other stuff to make me a male.

I been having a rough day with pain. I am so tired, physically, from dealing with it. I forced myself to go to the grocery store for some pulled pork. It was well worth the pseudo asthma attack I got with the stinking pollen. I had to have my cousin take me home because I knew walking just wasn’t going to happen. I would hurt so bad and I knew my breathing would have gotten worse. Even while I was home, I showered and I was wheezing while drying off. I had to use my mother’s inhaler to clear my lungs. I’ve never had allergies this bad before. I know the pollen is bad, which doesn’t help. I do take an allergy med and a nasal spray, which I didn’t take this morning. I should have but I usually just take it at night. I honestly didn’t think nothing of it until I was having trouble breathing and I got so congested that I am nearly puking my iced coffee.

Pain was so severe while I was home. I’ve been taking my pain meds but not the strong pill. Mostly because I haven’t had a bowel movement since fricken Sunday. Never fails that I am regular for a few days and then everything stops. I am hurting so bad it is hard to breath. I am just so full and uncomfortable. I had two sandwiches of pulled pork and a chicken cutlet for dinner.

For some reason I was craving pineapple juice. I went downstairs to my sister’s to steal some. I also checked the mail. My correct postcards for my book promotion came in the mail. I posted a pic on Facebook. A dear friend was kind enough to say send her some and she will distribute them where she lives. She works in the mental health field and is so supportive of everything I do. We met ten years ago at a conference and became instant friends. It was funny, we were in a session panel and there was a speaker with a thick accent. I think she was Danish or some European country. I don’t know exactly. We both liked the accent, though it was hard to hear her. We made notes to each other on the notebook that the association had given to us. I still have that notebook with our notes! HAHA. We were just some weirdos that clicked really well.

When suicide becomes the option due to the opioid epidemic

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

When suicide becomes the option due to the opioid epidemic

I have been involved in the suicide prevention things for the past eleven years or so. I have been reading research articles from those in the field. Then I became disabled and my suicidality increased but I have not made any attempts. The reason I say this is because I am now involved in the chronic pain community and found that there have been a lot of suicides since the crack down on opioids really started bearing down on patients and their doctors.

Recently there has been a woman in Montana that ended her life after the DEA went after her doctor. I find this, sadly, preventable. These pain patients have severe pain and need opioids to get relief. Since October, I have been trying to get adequate pain meds to relieve my pain but have been facing nothing but red tape. I have had two psych hospitalizations, which have not been helpful in the least. My psychiatrist is really worried about me. I have a plan to end things in a few months. It is a coping mechanism for me to make these plans. I don’t know if I will go through with it but it’s helpful for me to know there is an end to my suffering.

In the suicide prevention community, specifically a social media twitter group called SPSM (suicide prevention social media) there has been a lot of talk about getting the medical professionals to talk openly about asking about suicide as there has been research stating most suicides happen a within a period of time after seeking a medical professional. I argue that the psych professionals also have to ask the question, which sometimes does not happen for a variety of reasons. What is missing in those with chronic pain, is also lacking the talk of asking about suicide after pain meds have been forcibly cut or stopped all together. This kind of action has lead to multiple suicide that Dr. Kline, a pain physician, has written about.

I really think that if the pain psychologist in these pain clinics ask about it or even the health care professionals do, there might be a chance of saving a life. These patients feel their backs are against a wall and they cannot function without these meds anymore. The epidemic is nothing but hysteria. The CDC lied about their statistics and made it look like prescription opioids were the problem when it was really illicit drugs. Compounding the problem with chronic pain patients not getting the meds they need are the patients that have substance abuse disorder. The stigma surrounding substance abuse is probably as bad as those with suicidal ideation. There are no easy answers as some chronic pain patients has been grouped with the substance use and vice versa. Both need to be treated with meds but stigma and thoughts of not being able to be “strong” enough to stand the withdrawals or handle pain is just not a way of doing it. Unlike alcohol abuse where abstinence helps, substance use need medical assisted treatment with meds such as suboxone. There needs to be no legal punishment for those seeking treatment. More overdoses have happened due to people being released from jail and then using again because their tolerance has been lowered while being away from their substance.

With chronic pain, those that have been stable for years and being taken off abruptly, often turn to suicide because their pain is making their lives miserable. They can no longer do the things they did while on pain meds for their chronic pain. Often these patients feel abandoned by their doctors and some have been and are unable to find another doctor to treat them. Some have to travel far from their homes for care. It is a sad situation. Pain needs to be addressed. It was the 5th vital sign but the crisis has done away with it. So those with deep emotional pain don’t get asked about suicide and those with deep physical pain are neglected and never asked about their suicidal thoughts. Can we bridge this huge gap? Tough question to be answered.

shaky arms are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Shaky arms are back

Appliances that I ordered for my mother came this morning. I didn’t get much sleep. The delivery guys were fast and installed the washer. Thankfully there were no problems, other than the washer need “high efficiency” detergent. I just told my mother to use less detergent. I don’t know why she would use more than a quarter of a cup anyways as the damn thing is so sudsy. She wanted another washer but they didn’t have one that were the size or price range she wanted. She said she would use less. I told her after 10-20 loads, she could just use white vinegar to prevent mold and mildew. She agreed.

I made a sandwich and then went up to my room. I had made coffee but it didn’t help my poor sleep. I took a nap for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling weird. I used the bathroom before my bladder burst. Came back upstairs and then my arms felt like spaghetti. Not what I wanted to feel. It was side effects to the Invega. I quickly took an Ativan before they became worse. I don’t get this way often like I did when I was on the abilify. I hate this feeling. It is the worse.

I called my mother and told her to hold dinner for me. I would be sleeping for a few hours as I didn’t feel good. She didn’t ask what was wrong, thank god. I am feeling restless so I don’t know if I will be able to get back to sleep. I got to wait for the Ativan to kick in. My ankle pain is rearing its ugly head. I just feel like giving up. Last night I was swimming in despair. I wrote some stuff in my journal and then vented to a friend via email. I don’t remember what I wrote. She wrote back in the morning with the words in all caps “Don’t kill yourself”, so I must have written something to that effect. I have been feeling a little suicidal at night. I think it is this time of year. Being in severe pain doesn’t help. I put on an ace bandage thingy and slept with it. For the first time in a month or so, I was able to stand without too much pain so it obviously helped.

Now my ankle/foot feels like it is made of strings. Fuck! I hate this type of side effect the most but it is the least concerning. It doesn’t happen often, so I am grateful for that. I just emailed my psych about this to keep her in the loop.

I closed my window because it was bloody cold in my room when I woke up. Holy crap! It wasn’t snowing or raining yet. That wouldn’t start until the afternoon. When I checked the mail, there were flurries. They didn’t appear to be sticking. My mother had turned down the heat because of yesterday’s high temps. I turned it up as it was cold in the house. I must have been cold during the night because my comforter was on me. It’s still chilly in my room but it’s bearable. I like the cold anyways. My ankle and foot, however, doesn’t. They are warm under the blankets right now. I have made sure to keep them warm. Last thing I need is that icy coldness that CRPS brings. Takes forever to warm up and then when it does, it burns.

I have to go out tomorrow to get my prescriptions at my PCP’s office. I don’t get paid till Monday so I won’t be able to get them until then. I just calculated all the meds I need to get next week and it’s going to be roughly $60. I was hoping to fix my laptop this month but I don’t think I can afford it. I’m still waiting to see what my premium is for my medical insurance. I haven’t received the letter yet, which is odd because I usually get it the beginning of the month. I somehow messed up my finances as I don’t have that much money left over after all my bills are paid. I think I might have to shrink my grocery bill somehow. I wanted to make a chili cornbread casserole. The ingredients are not too expensive, except for the beef. I will have to go to the butcher shop. I like their meat better than the grocery store. You can definitely taste the difference. I might buy a 3 lb bag of beef. Then I can make my dirty gravy. My mother is not a chili fan so I will most likely eat this thing, if my brother in law doesn’t have some. My sister might as she likes hot stuff.

Ativan is kicking in so I am going to rest now. The spaghetti feeling is fading. I am glad.