Tag: mental pain

pain is lonely

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pain is lonely

I was scrolling through facebook and came across the meme “Pain is lonely” and it struck a cord with me. It is lonely. You have no one to talk to about it that really get it, unless you talk to someone that has the similar chronic pain that you have. I find that even though I talk to my BFF sometimes she doesn’t understand the kind of pain I got through with my ankle and foot. She understands everything else, how pain can make you cranky and tired and not motivate you to do stuff. It is a tradeoff. I rather have some understanding than none.

I got a call from the partial hospital place and they sent me email to fill out and send back. I had to fill out some form using adobe but it was confusing so I just saved it and sent the form. If it is wrong I am sure they will let me know. I have my first meeting at 9 and then group start at 10. Fun. I told them I have an appointment at 2 that I need to keep. It is my therapy appointment. The schedule is DBT based with some creative groups in between. Looks like a regular hospital group program but without the admission.

I went to pick up my prescription because I thought my neurologist changed the order. She didn’t but just gave me more refills. WTF I told her specifically I am taking more than what is prescribed like we discussed. Fuck. I hate when she doesn’t fucking listen. I hope she has it in her notes. Fuck. I am so pissed off.

My mother’s covid test came back negative but she has a cold. Despite me and my sister telling her to wear a mask, she refuses. She wears it around her neck with her mouth and nose exposed. Helpful. Not. I am staying in my room and using sanitizer when I get back to my room just to disinfect my hands. I do not want to get sick. As far as I know, I am the only one that got the flu vaccine.

My neck muscles have been really hurting me today on my left side. It feels like I pulled a muscle or something. I might have slept wrong again. I am going to tell my neurosurgeon when I see him because the pain isn’t going away and I haven’t found much relief. Heat, rest, meds, and stretching have not helped.

I am so tired. I didn’t sleep well again. I woke up around 0230 to pee and stayed in bed for a half hour before I finally got up to go. The urge was there but it wasn’t strong enough so I wasn’t sure if I had to go or not. I should just go anyway rather than lay there wondering. It took me some time to get back to sleep afterwards. I set the alarm for my appointment that was canceled on me due to covid. I am not going to reschedule the test. This is the third time I have had to set up an appointment since my surgery and I am not going through the anxiety again. So fuck it. I am not making another appointment.

going to partial

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going to partial

I had a lengthy conversation with my therapist yesterday about partial hospitalization. She really wants me to go and think it will help me. I was cranky and irritable and that concerned her. I told her I haven’t been eating and she said that was concerning. The whole appointment was a concern for her. I told her I would get in touch with the social worker today about starting the program, which I did. I start Thurs. I should be getting a phone call tomorrow night about how to join as I haven’t received any web information. It starts at 9. Yuck. I think I just have two meetings that day, back to back. Just hope I can make coffee before the meeting. I have two meetings so far for Thurs back to back.

Yesterday I got tested for Covid. I am glad I scheduled the appointment as I was in and out. Otherwise I would have had to wait two hours to be seen. I am still waiting for my results. It was easy to get to and I am glad I was familiar with the area. After the testing, I went to Starbucks and got a Crème Brule latte. It was really sweet and I only got the 2 shots of espresso. I should have gotten three but it is ok. I know for next time.

I am feeling good today. I might shower and shave. My beard is a little on the long side and is irritating when I put my chin down. I think I might just trim it some so it isn’t annoying. I haven’t shaved it in over a month now. I like the results. Sucks with the mask no one can see it outside of the house. I love the feel of the beard under my chin.

I ordered a new calendar today and was not pleased the price went up by 10 bucks. I usually get it for 10 or under. But I like having a calendar I can look at a glance to check in what day is what. Helps me to keep track of the days much better than looking on my phone.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded urodynamic testing. I will be glad to get it over with. It isn’t a pleasant test but it is important. I just hope all is well and I can keep doing what I have been doing. It is a little tough sometimes because I know I still retain and the urge to go isn’t strong at times. Sometimes I will be sitting on the toilet and have to wait more than a few minutes to start urinating. That is so frustrating. Just when I am ready to say the hell with it and cath, I go. So it is worth waiting I guess. I got to figure out what time to leave my house. I think I will leave around 9 so I can get some coffee at Starbucks and maybe something to eat. I have been wanting to have their breakfast sausage sandwich. It is supposed to be cold tomorrow. I am just glad the building isn’t down the street from the hospital this time. It would have taken me forever to walk there with my back the way it is.

I got a lot of worries with my family right now that I wish I could talk about but I can’t. So hard having so much anxiety about this. It definitely isn’t helping the tension in my neck and jaw. I haven’t eaten anything today. I don’t know what I want to eat. I want to nap. Maybe I will be hungry after I have some sleep.

Anxiously Awaiting the Results of the Election

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxiously awaiting the results of the election

It has been two days since the election and we are not closer to finding out who won. We think we might have a chance but it can go either way. I am so fricken nervous about this. I have purposely been on the minimum of reading Twitter. Facebook is a little lighter in content but I have a few friends that are posting about it and it gets me rattled. All we can do now is wait until all the votes are counted, which is an arduous task.

I didn’t have supper so I ordered some cheeseburgers from McD’s. I couldn’t finish the second one. I did have the chicken nuggets that I ordered. I always order chicken nuggets. I am a nugget freak.

Later today I hope to do some errands and empty my recycling as it has piled up. I have two big bags of stuff. I also need to take out my trash. I got to empty my bucket by the bed first as it is close to being full. Yesterday I had no energy to do anything as my back was in bad shape. I still haven’t heard from the docs about increasing the dose of Zanaflex. I hope to hear from my neuro today about it. She is very slow in communications.

I haven’t had a bowel movement in two days. I just took some magnesium for two reasons, 1 to help the spasms in my back and 2 for bowel management. I haven’t been taking them because they have been causing loose stool so I stopped it on my pcp’s advice. Now I can’t go to save my life. I took some Miralax so hopefully I will have a movement today. Sometimes it takes a few days though and then unexpectedly, I will have colon blow. Not a good thing to have when you don’t have control over loose stool.

We made a compromise in therapy. For the month of November, I get three weeks of talking about anything stupid thing I want to talk about. But there has to be one week where there is treatment involved. I agreed to this. She wanted to switch to every other week but then changed her mind. I think this will be a good thing and might help me to talk more in therapy.

I am tired. It is a little after 4 am. I woke up around 0230 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. Probably because I was hungry. When I go on my errand I want to buy a snickers bar. I have been craving one since Halloween. I usually have candy but this year my brother in law didn’t put it out because of Covid. I don’t think Halloween was allowed in our town.

I see my psychiatrist today. I got to ask him if he will be doing bloodwork because I am on the new antipsychotic. My weight hasn’t changed. If anything it has gone down instead of up but only because I haven’t had appetite lately. I hate to get my blood drawn but if I do I am going to ask for a CBC to check my blood count levels. If they are low that could be why I feel so tired all the time. I might need to take an iron supplement. But I rather have beet juice and carrots to build up my system. I think my sister has a juicer. I also want him to test me for diabetes as it has been a while since I was last checked. Hopefully he will listen to me and order the tests I would like. So far, I haven’t had too many side effects other than loose stool but that hasn’t happened over the last few days. I am back to being constipated.

My back is acting up again. I have been taking Ativan and Zanaflex to try and calm it down. Sometimes nothing works despite my efforts. Only thing I can do is lay down and rest, which sucks. I have to take a shower today as I smell again. Should be interesting as I wonder how many times I need to sit down before I am done showering. I got to shave, too. But I am thinking of using my electric shaver instead of the razor this time.

The First of November 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The first of November 2020

I have four birthdays to celebrate today. Three are friends and one is a family member. It is the beginning of birthday month. I always dread it and this year, I am dreading it more so because my aunt is no longer alive. Every time I think of her death, I am panged with grief and heartache. I talked to my sister about celebrating her birthday and we agreed to go by the cemetery where she is buried.

I shaved and showered today and it came at a price. My foot bones acted up and I am still hurting hours later. I took a pain med because I had to. I am close to crying the pain is so bad. I had to shower because I smelled so bad. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I had taken an Ativan so my back didn’t cramp up so bad. It did anyway but resting helped ease it. I wished the hot water helped but it didn’t. It did help some of the tension in my neck and shoulders. I found that soothing.

I did my meds for the week. I almost forgot to do them. I usually do them around 2pm every Sunday but I wasn’t in the mood this week as I was just getting up. I figure I would do them before I wrote my blog for the day and I did. Now one less thing to worry about. Twitter is annoying me with me vote stuff. One of the historians I follow was talking about past elections and I can’t stand it. The next few days are going to be rough. Between Covid and election talk, I am stressed out. I only leave my house if I have to. I have not even left my room long enough to empty my recycles and trash. I have to do this this week because my AC needs to come out before the weather gets colder. I would have had it removed today but it is raining again.

I need to find my heating pad. I want to see if maybe using that on my back will help the cramps/spasms. I sent a message to my surgeon about what to do. Hopefully I will get an answer by Tues. If not I will call and see what he recommends. I have had it with all these cramps and nothing but rest helping.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I don’t know what to talk about. I have been racking my brain about things to talk about but nothing comes to mind. I have an anniversary of when I went into the hospital back in 1994 coming up later this week. I always remember it because I wanted to die on Nov 5th. I really wanted to die that year. I was in one of the worst depressions of my life. It started in August and didn’t end till maybe June of 1995. It was a long depression. I had started college about two weeks after I got discharged from the hospital. I made the Dean’s list that semester. It was the only time I made it. Self-doubt nearly destroyed me after that. I felt like I was just not good enough.