Useless appointment and other things
I had little sleep last night. In my painsomnia brain, I had decided to have an 0815 alarm. Why, I don’t remember. I just shut it off and went back to sleep. I am glad I didn’t touch my med alarm or I would have been screwed. I forced myself in the shower. It was cold this morning so I had to wait for the water to get hot. I had shaved around 4 am when I couldn’t sleep and decided to give myself the shot then rather than wait. One less thing to do in the morning.
I was getting sleepy waiting around so left my house around 0930 or so, an hour before I was to leave. I made it to the place with plenty of time to spare and I forced myself not to go into the bookstore next to the Starbucks. I wrote in my journal for a bit. I was anxious and it had nothing to do with the 6 shots of espresso I was drinking. I finally left around 1230 to find the building and office. It was at the end of a long hallway. I sat in the waiting room and 15 minutes before the appointment, the guy introduces himself and said he would be back. I said okay. He came back and opened an office and called me in. We talked about my different issues and he basically said there was nothing he could do for me as he wasn’t the type of therapist to give coping skills. He just did “talk therapy” and that was it, same as the one I was seeing. Fucking A. He said that I had “somatic pain” and he didn’t deal with that. WTF. I wanted to scream at him but there was no point. I said thank you for your time and left. I was bullshit. He could have told me last week that he didn’t deal with my issues. Why did he have to see me in person to tell me this??? Why do therapist do this?? I am so fucking angry. Now I got to go back to the nail picking therapist I am seeing. Fucking fuck. Total waste of time when I could have been sleeping!!!
I came home and I was not in a good mood. I just wanted to be in my PJs, under my blankets, and fiddle with social media. My Transition photo op didn’t get that many likes. I didn’t have much to say as it was like 5 AM and my brain was dead. It was a miracle I could string two words together, much less a few sentences. I realized I didn’t take a selfie for day 7. I got to be better about it. But there really hasn’t been any changes so no big deal.
I emailed my psychiatrist about being in a therapist jinx. Either that or I am on some black list. I had sent her and my neuro an email at I have no idea what time in the morning as I experience dystonia yet again last night. It wasn’t as bad as the first time and thankfully, my compression sock came to the rescue. It calmed it down enough so I could sleep for a few hours before my alarms went off.
Sox game is tonight. My left thigh is sore from the shot. I thought I did a lot of walking to ward it off but maybe not enough. My mother wanted me to go to the Square to get the money owed to me from the cheese I bought. I wasn’t going to the square. I won’t be going tomorrow either. I will be going Friday so I hope the sale price doesn’t change by then. It shouldn’t matter but you never know how picky managers are. I still have the receipt in my wallet. Hope I remember to go to the butcher shop before meeting up with my friends.
I don’t know if I will make it through 9 innings of baseball on like 4 hours sleep. I tried to take a nap but then I got really cold, like almost to the point of chills. I put on my long sleeved shirt. I will be putting on my Sox jersey an hour before game time. Game is on late, 2030, tonight because the MLB sucks. They have the west coast national game at like 2 pm. Who is going to watch the game at that time?? Idiots. I just don’t understand what their thinking is when they schedule games. I also don’t understand why they all can’t be prime time. Oh wait, that would make sense. Duh! I will listen to what I can and then whatever I don’t, I will catch up tomorrow. I am not going to force myself to stay up because then I get over tired and that does me no good at all. Then I sleep whenever, which usually repeats the cycle of no sleep. Sucks. I learned my lesson. Sleep when I am tired. I should try and sleep now but it is too early and then I will be up all night. Catch 22 I know. I am not really that tired. Just mentally exhausted from this asshole I saw. I am glad he didn’t work out because after three sessions I am sure I would be telling him fuck you and walk out. It shouldn’t be this hard to find someone to talk to. It really shouldn’t. Maybe I am too smart but there has got to be someone on the same level as I am out there. I don’t care if who I see is a he or she. There has to be someone, somewhere. I think I am going to ask the bozo therapist at the pain clinic for a referral. Maybe she knows someone. Long shot but at this point I’ll try anything. I might look up DBT therapists in my area. That is how desperate I am becoming and I hate DBT!
Saturday blog 30 June 18
I woke up at night after a shitty night. Pain kept me up till around 0300 or after. I had taken some Benadryl and that seemed to work. I had looked up cornbread pancakes which I had planned to make, except I fell back to sleep and didn’t get up till around 1730. I also sent a message to my Senator. What I wrote, I have no clue or if it made sense as it was late and the Benadryl was kicking in. I didn’t give my number as I didn’t want to get calls. I will probably get emails though. Fricken ass is in Congress another four years I think. I don’t think I voted for him. I just want him out because he is going after opioid manufacturers to decrease supply. That will put stress on chronic pain patients and hospitals, who already don’t have pain meds to give after surgery and things. It is a real mess thanks to the lies of the CDC.
My brother in law had called to tell me there were burgers and I had some and potato salad. I ate a lot for my first meal of the day. Sox are playing and are winning so far 6-0. I got a migraine at the start of the game so I didn’t feel like listening to it. Migraine is gone and I will be going to bed soon. I am just so tired. I hate being up all night because I feel like shit later in the day. My mother made pork fried rice but I don’t like it. It tends to be salty.
I read some of Harry Potter. I should be reading some new book instead of old but Harry is fun reading. I am almost done with the book. I might go back to Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I have plenty of books to read, I just don’t know what I want to read. I have bought some new books, one is something I got intrigued by when they just had an excerpt on when Waldenbooks was still around in Government Center. I used to go there almost every Saturday to buy books. One visit I had an armful of books which would have been at least $70 or more along with a tote bag. I put half of them back. I don’t remember now if I bought the tote bag or if you had to spend so much money to get it free. On Facebook, John Grisham just opened a group for his fans. I haven’t worked out the settings because it is hogging up my feed. Every new person says “thank you for the add. I love *this book* and can’t wait for the Oct new one.” I don’t fricken care! Same with my MASH group. I must have had 10 people say MASH is available on Hulu now, all 11 seasons. I don’t care, I have the DVDs, though I was warned that season 9 and 10 were the same and I would have to purchase one of those seasons separately. I haven’t gone that far yet. I just am up to season 1. I did see the last episode as I was never able to catch it on TV. Sad one. The nice thing about the DVD is no commercials or ads. I love the show and the group. They will post a quote and I will laugh or feel sad. Like Margaret has a few scenes where she shows her soft side and it just gets you. One person in the group doesn’t like BJ and I hate when he posts because he calls him bipolar. He is acting for crying out loud!! It is what made the show! Pisses me off. One guy I had to mute because he is a recovering alcoholic and all throughout the show, they all drink. If it bothers you, don’t watch it!!
I still need to pack my bag for my friend’s BBQ. I got a text saying he cleaned the pool. I am so excited. It should be a good day as long as my foot/ankle doesn’t flare up. It is also going to be a hot one. Perfect weather for the pool and BBQ. Just hope my swim trunks still fit. I bought them a few years ago. They were loose on me. They should fit me now because I gained a few pounds. I just got to find my carry on bag. If not, I will just bring a backpack. I got plenty of those!
I had started a blog on my laptop to publish yesterday but my brain kept getting foggy and couldn’t focus. I knew if I forced myself to write, it would come out crappy.
Now it is after 2 am. I can’t sleep. Midnight Demon is out. Has been since 10 but had no writing urges. I’m just writing now because I felt like it. I feel suicidal. Been planning for months and now it is almost time. I’m wondering where the weeks went. I haven’t done much other than look over my will. My pension is still wherever it is with my employer. I have emailed my psych that my death is inevitable. I asked her to let me go.
Pain has been decreased by 50% since my new longer acting pain med was started last week. But it does nothing for flares. I am not in a flare. Just pain that is left over from the meds. It doesn’t take all the pain away. Nothing will do that. But this pain is what is keeping me up. That and the thoughts of ending my life. It is like a monkey on my back. It goes away for a while and then comes back full force.
It is a familiar feeling. A part of me knows it will pass. Another parts truly believes this will be the end. I am tired of fighting this. I had made my decision 3 months ago. Now the 3 months is almost up. I extended the date due to circumstances beyond my control. Next week I will check out the location. I hope it will be suitable. I am still afraid I won’t go through with it. My psych might intervene. I don’t know if I will end up back in the hospital. I told her it was useless.
My hope level has been fluctuating a lot. My friend reminded me I’ve been in rough patches before and got through them. I didn’t tell her this was it. I feel so stupid. One of the suicidologists I know that is the president of AAS did a study on the effects of a suicide. In the study she found that >132 people are affected. If that holds true, I will have ~400 or more. And that just includes my online/high school/ co workers friends. Doesn’t include my humungous family.
I feel guilty about this. Today she posted saying that it was a reminder to suicidal persons as they often feel no one care or that no one will miss them. Makes me mad. I don’t want to cause pain to others yet why should I go on in torment of my CRPS and depression? I feel it is a guilt trip. A huge one at that. I stuff those feelings when I am deeply suicidal. Then when it lowers or I look at the people I love, I wonder how could I do this to them? I am in agony over this. It is truly hurting me. Call it ambilvalence. Call it selfishness (please don’t as that is NOT what it is but i don’t know another word). I just am so conflicted as to what to do. I can’t stuff them. I want to die. I need to die. My time is coming. Question is, to be or not to be.
It is almost 2330. I had a burger later and then got sleepy. I’ve been trying to sleep for an hour but my damn foot keeps acting up. Bottom of my foot has this pressure pain. I am getting zaps in the side of my foot near my toes. My metatarsals are being ripped apart.
Then my brain is working none stop. For some reason, the source (evil demon from Charmed) keeps popping in my head. I will be talking to someone and then their eyes change to black and they want to envelope me. I don’t get it. I don’t usually have nightmares, not since I was a kid.
Pain is driving up my suicidality. I have been thinking about canceling my therapy appt for Monday. But I want to see him. I got 3 appts this week. I was going to have 4 but I am going to cancel my eye appt. I’ll just reschedule it. I have been trying to do the exercises my PT gave me but they are different than the ones we did when I saw her. I can do the one for my right foot but my ankle is too angry to try to do. I have no idea if having my knees up and doing one exercise is going to upset my foot/ankle. It was alright with the AFO on but I don’t wear it around the house. The. There is one exercise that sounds more like part of my notes than an exercise. Have no idea what that is about.
I think I am going to go back to regular pillows and not use the body pillow I have. It is annoying me. I also need to change my sheets but I have accumulated a bunch of shit on my bed that will take a few days to get off. I started clearing off some stuff. I have a gazillion pharmacy papers from my meds. I tried using the privacy stamp on it but it didn’t work. So it is back to the “to be shredded” pile, which is overflowing at this point.
Last night I was in a suicidal mood and sent my psychiatrist an email about things running through my head. I was expecting a phone call today but nothing and no reply. I forgot she was on vacation last week so that was why she didn’t read the article and blog I sent her. I really wanted her to read the article. But because she didn’t, I couldn’t talk to her about what was on my mind. She said she will get to it. I hope so.
Foot is hurting really bad. I took the breakthrough med a little while ago. I think a placebo would have worked better. I also took some more fiber pills. I went a little bit today but that was all. I am expecting a colon blow. But it just feels stuck. I feel really uncomfortable. Usually one will work and I am taking 3 different things. I don’t think the senna works for me anymore. I hope i go tomorrow.