Tag: physical pain

International calls and PTSD

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Had an interesting day today. I wanted to talk to my friend in England so I made the phone call, except I could only talk for 5 mins!! I was like WTF because I pay extra to be able to call internationally on my phone. SO I call sprint and everything seems to be in order on their end. The guy then transfers me to the international section of Sprint. Turns out that because my phone is a Google phone and Google voice is on, that was the problem, I think. I won’t be able to call my friend until tomorrow night to see if this works. This sucks but I have a therapy appt in a half hour so don’t want to be on the phone too long.

I rewarded myself with getting my Claddaugh ring fixed and sized the right size. I picked it up yesterday. Luckily it was just under $300 USD. The most I have ever spent on myself outside of electronics such as laptops. The reason it cost so much was because I had the shank fixed as well. I LOVE it! It fits so nice and I miss wearing a ring.

I have been stressed the past few days because of financial reasons. I have to call to work out a plan with my student loans before they garnish my SSD check. I am so worried they are going to leave me with nothing. I so wanted to save up for a car this year but doesn’t look like that is going to be likely. I need to be able to pay the cable bill, my mother for the mortgage, and my cell phone bill. I also NEED to have money for my “crack” Starbucks coffee but I can do without as I can go several days without needing it. But when I want it, I want it dammit. It is the only JOY I have in my life is that one cup of coffee a day.

I still have my fucking menses that are just driving me beserk. I was supposed to call the repro-endo doc today but never got the chance as I was lazy when I woke up this morning. It is still cold out, not as cold as it was yesterday but still cold and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out. I had some mail to mail so I said the hell with it and went out. Sometime I just need to push myself. But while I was walking it felt like I was walking in mud. I hate that feeling more than anything. Some days I feel like I am light as air and other days I am walking with cement shoes on my feet. I don’t get it. I also had another damn problem with my fucking pain medication. Doc wrote for extra so in case I need them, I have them. Well the way he wrote it is only for a month supply only and the pharmacy won’t give me this extra! ARGH!!!! I am so fucking pissed off because last month he said he was going to change the prescription to 1-2 tabs a day and this month he didn’t. I am so pissed off right now. I just hope I don’t have any pain flair ups that necessitate me needing more than what I have. I am like so terrified of getting flare ups. It really activates my PTSD. I start having flashbacks of what it was like having CES all over again and then the surgery and all that I went through to get to where I am today. Not that I am 100% better, I am not. But at least I am not walking with a walker or cane all the time. It kills me when I see an old person with a walker when I am on the bus. It just reminds me how lucky I am that my doctors knew what I had. Some people that have CES or Cauda Equina Syndrome weren’t so lucky and have to use a cane or walker to get around. Some are worse off and can’t walk at all and need a wheelchair because their legs are so weak.

Whenever I get a pain flare up I tend to go into flashback mode. It is not a pleasant experience. I remember things that have happened in the past as if it were happening today. I get anxious and nervous. I start worrying. It is the worst feeling in the world. And then I want to get rid of the pain. If the pain meds don’t work, I usually want to cut. Cut off the affected limb so I am no longer in pain. Or just stab myself to relief the pain. I know that doesn’t make sense but it is what runs through my head during these times. It is awful. And I can’t usually move during these flare ups. I am incapacitated. I can just barely move enough to down some pills and hope it take away my misery. I hate being bedridden with this type of pain. I always keep my cell phone handy just in case I need to call someone and have them help me. Because my mother is deaf and with my closed bedroom door she is not going to hear me nor does she have the mobility to go up the stairs and help me, but at least she is someone I can call in case of emergency.

Ramblings 26

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today my story about my attempt was posted on another site. I had positive feedback from it but I am kind of worried not everyone will be so positive. I still am nervous about a lifetime commitment somewhere.

For about a month now I have had a cough that won’t go away. I see my PCP on Wednesday for pain issues so I will bring it up then. I just hope that I don’t have to go on antibiotics as this thing isn’t clearing up on its own so I might have to. I hate taking antibiotics. Because I take so many meds, it’s sometimes difficult to pick on that won’t interact with the others. And I am pretty picky about which one I can take versus those that I have problems with. Class called Cephalosporins will do nothing for me. Cipro works ok but a Z-pak won’t do anything. It will just cause the infection to recur a few weeks later.

I took a shower and brushed my teeth today. I was too lazy to go out today. I wanted to but just couldn’t find enough energy to get dressed. I watched some TV but didn’t watch my Bones. I just can’t seem to sit long enough to.

Been thinking about my ex today. My MP3 shuffle played our song or rather the CD that I made her and made me think of her. I often wonder what she is doing and what she is up to but I can’t go back to her. We broke up because I couldn’t stand how she was not taking care of herself anymore. She was being blasé about her medical condition and it bothered me that she refused to seek help or medication to control it. Plus she has a little one at home with disabilities that I was fearful she was going to have a seizure and be out of it with her daughter around. Didn’t sound like I was going to get through her head so I just broke it off with her. Let her find someone else that cares and lives closer (she was also 90 miles away from me so it wasn’t going to work out).

My leg has been bothering me since last night but there is a big snow storm coming this way. Just what I need. I hate the snow and ice. Temps are supposed to drop to single digits after the storm so it’s going to get cold, supposedly. I generally have the believe of I’ll believe it when I see it.

Pain has been minimal so far but I am sure it will get worse as this storm rolls through. I know that much because I wouldn’t be in pain if it was nothing. I’m just a human barometer. What I am debating is taking my pain meds now or waiting closer to bed time. But I think I am going to take my big gun med as this pain has been going on for more than 24 hrs and the small guns haven’t touch it.

Listening to Carrie Underwood. Love her voice. And her song “Wine after Whiskey” is touching me right now. Guess it’s left over ex stuff…

Ramblings 25

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Not been feeling good today. Back has been bothering me and so has my stomach. Seems like no matter what I eat lately, I get indigestion. I just took some Mylanta, the Walgreens equivalent as the real Mylanta hasn’t been on the market for quite sometime.

I got my haircut at my cousin’s house tonight. I had to get my haircut because it was getting too long. It’s been at least two months since my last cut. I like to keep my hair short and buzzed close at the sides and back. I wanted to take a shower afterwards but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I just washed my hair and that was it.

I was supposed to go out tonight but the Bruins are playing and I didn’t feel like going to a bar. I just don’t like loud places anyways.

Person from my long term disability company called me yesterday to check in. I don’t know what to say to her. I still have pain but it has been minimal because I no longer leave the house anymore. I might go out three days tops, and that is only if I really feel like going out for a coffee. Today I went out and now my ankle is thanking me with pain. I just can’t win. And what if she asks me about my mental health. I will just say yea I think about killing myself nearly everyday and wish every night before going to sleep that I don’t wake up. I just can’t face another day of nothingness. I haven’t been taking care of myself, more now so than before I got the disability. I shower maybe twice a week if that. I don’t do housework, though my mother now needs help with it. I’m not sure how I can help her as I can’t really be on my feet for too long.
It sucks having Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I’m lucky it likes the cold as the temperature has dropped to the twenties. I cannot tolerate the heat anymore. I like to be warm but not too warm. Sometimes I can’t even have the sheet on my feet/leg it bothers me so bad. But at least the swelling has gone down some though I still have a lump in my leg where it shouldn’t be. I so want to excise it. But I have been told that I might cause more damage if I excise than leaving it alone. I’m just glad that the voices haven’t been around telling me to excise it. I would have to go back to the hospital. I am taking my antipsychotic med. I have to take it every other day or else I become delusional and psychotic. It has been helping with the paranoia that I had when I was on a crowded bus or train. Now I can be around people without freaking out that they are going to kill me. How fun it is having Schizoaffective disorder or as my therapist calls it just bipolar disorder with psychosis. Apparently I don’t have the “positive” features of the Schizoaffective part.

I haven’t been hospitalized for almost six months. That’s good but I have been feeling like I should be in. I just can’t take living my life anymore but then I know I won’t really get the help I need. Most hospitals don’t have time for individual work and so lump you in with a group of treaters to talk for 15 minutes of the day. Then it’s back to the ward doing nothing but arts and crafts all fucking day, least until dinner time. The groups they have are useless. On a good day you might get psychotherapy group. I like that group, I can get something out of it. I should make an effort to go to an outpatient group therapy but of course I have no motivation or inclination to do so. I think it might break up the monotony of the day but that would mean leaving the house at least once a week. I was thinking of going to a LGBT group to be more comfortable. And maybe help with the transitioning of things but I don’t think you can do that in a group. I don’t know, maybe next week I will call. Or have my therapist call to find out more information about it. It will be local so I wouldn’t have to travel too far. I just am afraid I might not be able to walk to the center because it is too far from the T stop. There isn’t a bus that goes by and the closest train stop is more than a few blocks away. Difficult for someone with mobility issues. Course I could take a cab but that is just wasting money to me but maybe it is something to think about. But that is if I get “accepted” into the group to begin with.

nerve pain is a bitch

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

I should be sleeping but instead my left foot is driving me up the fucking wall with it’s constant buzzing. My toes are even vibrating though if you touch them they will feel normal. I am very tired and all I want to do is sleep but this annoying foot keeps me awake. If I could chop it off I would.. now I am getting bone pain. My toes are cringing though they have nothing to cringe at except my wrath.
It hasn’t been this way for a couple of weeks. I actually had some reprieve for almost three weeks when I got a cold and was drinking cold medicine like it was going out of style. But now the pain has returned and I do not like it. There is nothing I can do about it till I pass out which might take a while. Right now it’s 02:45 in the morning. I tell time by military as I think it’s cool and more precise.
I got my book that I lost and had to reorder today. I forgot how dry the material is and down. I read up to chapter 1 because I didn’t want to overload myself with suicidal thoughts right now. I should probably take some pain medicine but I want to see if it will go away on its own first. That is part of my problem. I wait until I am in unbearable pain before I take my meds. What usually would be a 6 or 7 for someone would be a 10+ for me. I have a high pain tolerance. It really needs to be a 10+ in order for me to take medication. Otherwise I think I am wasting it. I know that is probably not right to do, to wait till the pain gets really bad, but like I said, sometimes it is just a passing phase and other times it is with me for days. I hate this type of pain. The pain meds just usually knock me out so I can get some sleep and calm down some of the pain. It can take days before I am pain free agin. I just wish My middle toe would stop doing what its doing. It’s like wiggling saying “hi I’m here” like some little kid that wants to play. Well I don’t want to play, I want to sleep damn it!! It also feels like someone with a vise is clamping down on the toe, making sure it doesn’t go anywhere. I hate this type of nerve pain. And it’s the result of Cauda Equina Syndrome. My bundle of nerve got crushed and now I am left with nerve pain that decides to come and play every night. It can’t come out during the day like normal pain, NOOOOOO, why would it do that? Then we might have simpler lives. We might be able to work and play with our kids. This damage costs us everything and there is nothing anyone can do to make it better once it happens. It’s all a joke until we kill ourselves from the pain. Everyone one of us has at one point or other thought about killing ourselves because the pain gets too much or we just can’t see ourselves living this hell anymore. Doctors are useless. They just like to spin us on merry-go-rounds having us go from this doctor to that doctor and so on. It took 9 doctors and two physical therapist to figure out that I was not walking correctly because all my scans and tests came back normal, they thought I was a head case or something. I was in pain 24/7 and nothing was helping me sleep except a little pain medication. It took months between this appt and that appt to figure it all out. Then I got out of work because I couldn’t walk around the lab anymore. My department of 14 yrs says sorry your restrictions are too strict and out the door I went on forced medical leave. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to kill myself right then and there if I had a chance. At 36 yrs old I was declared disabled after fighting this condition for eleven years. It was fun being out of work for a while. But then it got lonesome. I missed my coworkers. I missed going out. I became a hermit. I had nothing to do 24/7. I played my games and that was about all. But the pain didn’t stop, even with me resting it. If I went out and stood too long or walked too far, I paid the price. Like I am doing now. I must have walked too long though I hardly left my house at all except to go to my sister’s house around the corner. Now my foot is on fire and there is no extinguisher to put it out. Simple things I just can’t do anymore. I don’t shower because it hurts to stand too long. I don’t brush my teeth for the same reason. People take these things for granted. I can only take a 10 minute shower and in those ten minutes I wash and then if I remember I brush my teeth. I dry off quickly and hope I don’t fall while I put on my clothes because sometimes my balance is off.
I still can’t believe the difference between my left and right foot. It’s so weird. I have full feeling on my right but diminished feeling on my left. Sometimes but not often I have burning on my right foot. It’s the left over nerve damage from my initial injury 12 years ago. My anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. Maybe that is why I am thinking about it now. These memories don’t fade away like normal ones. My therapist calls it a trauma. I guess when you have emergency surgery, it is a trauma.