Tag: psychache

not good enough

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Not good enough

I had a difficult session with my therapist. She wanted to know why I didn’t text her when I was feeling suicidal thoughts but did to let her know I was in the ED. She said that I was “struggling” and thing is I really am not. I don’t know what the disconnect is. She keeps assuming things instead of asking how things are. Then she asked what I was going to do when I feel suicidal again and I told her I will manage. She said that wasn’t good enough. I got so frustrated at this point and I got mad. I don’t know what she wants from me. Her response always requires a different answer and I don’t have time to figure it out. I just try and figure things out as things come at me. I feel differently about things. I never feel the same about things. I might want to listen to music by someone specific or I might just want some group with no particular rhyme or reason. I might not want to listen to music. I might want to write instead. It all depends on the level of perturbation I am feeling that will drive what I do to cope. Last resorts will be to call a hotline.

It really bothered me that my therapist said this level of coping wasn’t good enough. I don’t know what she was looking for. I try and do the best I can when I am hit with the darkness and if that isn’t good enough, well, fuck you. I have decided that I am not going to text my therapist anymore. She doesn’t want me to anyways unless it is appointment related. I don’t know why I bother when it isn’t what she wants so I just won’t do it anymore.

Saturday Blog 16052020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 16052020

I took a shower today. I felt like I needed one after sweating most of the night because my room was hot. We had thunderstorms last night so I had to shut my window, which I did right before the torrential downpour. It was good timing on my part. The rains started an hour after they were supposed to start so I had waited long enough. I really just wanted to go to sleep. I woke up at 4 am to use the bathroom and then was in pain until pain meds calmed it down enough so I could go back to sleep. I slept till around noon. It was nice.

I didn’t do anything else today. I want to start a new book but I don’t know which one to read. I want to start the Marsha Linehan memoir but I don’t know where it scurried off to. I put it in a “place I remembered” and of course forgot where that is. I will go looking for it after I write this blog. It probably is just under some stuff that have fallen.

I am kind of in a depressed mood. I keep thinking of how limited I am in my recovery. I know I said I showered and that was laborious. I was so tired afterwards I just wanted to sleep. My back was cramping big time and it still is cramping. I can’t seem to calm it down and it’s just like things are always going to be this way. It is getting me down. I am having trouble keeping in mind that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been two months almost. I think I really need to be back in PT but with the covid restrictions I don’t think I can right now. I also don’t know if it is safe to do so with the fluid build up in my back, which could be why I am hurting so much. I just wish I had enough pain medication to cover the amount of pain I am in. I think I am going to ask my pcp for an increase in dose. Worse he could say is no, which will probably be the answer anyways.

If I can’t find the Linehan book, I just bought a history book on Reagan and Gorbachev on the Cold War. I am interested in how that came about. I hope it is a good book. It isn’t too long so I am looking forward to reading it if I can’t find the memoir. I just need to find a bookmark. Think I will try and find the CRPS ones that I bought a few months ago. Those are nice and sturdy. I got them from a UK organization. They have some good information about the condition on Twitter and FB. I don’t remember the name of it off the top of my head but if I do, I will post a pic of the bookmark on my next post.

chasing what is already gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Chasing what is already gone

This song has been in my head for the past hour so I thought it would make a good title for today. It is a song by my favorite country singer Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has been doing some segments from home and it has been awesome seeing her like every other day with a new video of her playing her music.

Today I found out I am not as strong as I thought I was. I had to go to the pharmacy because they were not answering their phones. I went there and found out they were processing the wrong medication. I was livid. Then they told me it would be three hours before the script could be filled so I went home and my legs felt weak so I didn’t go food shopping like I had wanted to. I had to go back to the pharmacy to pick it up three hours later and while I was waiting in line, I felt like I was going to collapse. There were three people ahead of me. By the time the person in front of me was up, I was starting to feel weak in my legs. The tech couldn’t find the woman’s meds. It took her a while to find them. I thought by then I was going to collapse. Then the guy that was in front of her had his meds screwed up so they had to do it over because they didn’t have his insurance information. UGH. They called me and I felt so weak. I got my meds and the things my mother wanted and then I sat down. I was going to leave but I had to rest. The muscles in my legs were pulsating. I was worried I wasn’t going to make it home. By the time I reached the house next door, I was breathing really heavy. I sat on my porch for a bit before going in the house. It has been a couple hours since I came home and I still feel weak in my legs. My back is hurting me like the Dickens. I just took some pain meds. I sent a text to my therapist asking if it was ok to take my meds when I am hurting and she said yes. I somehow needed that reassurance that it was okay to take my pain meds when I am hurting really bad because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve relief.

I got my headphones in my ears listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I recover from today’s outing. I am not planning on moving from my bed. I might go downstairs to have a bowl of cereal or pancakes for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking and don’t think it would be wise to do so. The pancakes are already made. I just have to heat them up. I love these pancakes because they have protein in them. They have a different kind of taste to it but other than that they are good. They are made by Kodiak.

I am using headphones because sound and air waves are bothering my foot. I hate this allodynia. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up tonight. I did a lot of standing so I might be hurting big time tonight. I am glad I took the pain med when I came home.

bad day becomes bad night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad day becomess bad night

I’m on the verge of crying. Feel so depressed. Pain is high not only in my back but damn CRPS foot/ankle. The throbbing is making me want to die. Been four fucking days with the same intense pain. The feeling of content I felt is gone. It has been replaced by depression and pain. I am sort of in a psychache where my heart is being shredded. All because my ankle/foot is hurting so damn bad. Back is bothering me too but it is not the same kind of pain. I know eventually the back pain will go away. Unfortunately, it is not tonight.

I am writing as a way to self-soothe, as my therapist puts it. Writing is all I know how to deal with this hurt. Problem is that words aren’t coming so quickly tonight because I am thinking instead of feeling. I am wondering if this is a right or wrong thing. I’ve suddenly become self-conscious about my writing when I am feeling this way and it prevents me writing on tangents. The content that I was feeling for the three weeks after surgery is gone. All because my ankle is being cut up into a thousand pieces. It is being stabbed repeatedly and the foot bones are throbbing/aching so bad. This is the fourth day of dealing with this pain. I guess the effects of the steroids have worn off and now the pain is back. It isn’t at full volume but it is getting close. I know the exercises I did today where I was doing ankle circles didn’t help. That is when the pain started getting intense. I just ignored it. I didn’t even mention the pain to the PT because what was she going to do? She wants my back healed not my foot/ankle. She said that she was going to have a meeting with another PT about my case to see if I can add strength to the exercises. I think they would need the doctor’s permission to do it. He doesn’t want me carrying anything heavier than a gallon of milk until I see him next.

Because I am in a shit load of pain, I took a bunch of different meds to help ease the pain and help me sleep. I don’t know if the drowsiness will overcome the pain. That is always the question when I take meds for pain. Sometimes it works and I am able to sleep before midnight and then there are times where it doesn’t matter what I take, I am not going to sleep at all and be up all night. I sort of am getting my writing bug back. It has been extremely difficult to get it back. But each day that I write, I feel it reviving. I just hope it doesn’t lead to hypergraphia that I sometimes get. That is not what I want. But it wouldn’t surprise me if I went from 0 to 60 with my writing.