Tag: psychological pain

baking and the tireds

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baking and the tireds

I woke up around 9. I had energy but I didn’t feel like getting up. I had to bake the zucchini bread, which I did do eventually. My mother made my custard pie for my birthday tomorrow. She is having a party for me. Little does she know that it will be my coming out party. I am not hiding who I am anymore and if someone calls me my birthname or “she”, I am going to correct them. If I am meant to be here, I damn well am going to be who I am and not who I am not. I am a male and that is all. I try to be a good, kind man.

After I baked, I got really tired. I went up to my room to relax a bit. I had to be careful with the damn catheter. I had tied the bag to my leg so I wouldn’t be touching it while I baked. I seriously am just so depressed that this is my life now. I will always have to either have a cath placed or do the cathing to excrete urine because I can no longer do it on my own. And there is no reason for it. There is some kind of nerve damage going on but nothing to indicate where it is coming from. I am so frustrated.

My pcp sent me a message this morning. I had replied to his from Friday, I think. I was upset that he didn’t want to treat my pain. He said that with all the medication changes the other docs and the psychopharm are doing, he doesn’t want to add to it. I understood where he was coming from after I had a good sleep and was clearheaded. The concussion is not helping me stay focused on things. I have been having memory problems and my rationale has not been in good judgment. I wrote back to him a few things to keep him up to speed. I don’t see him again till Feb. That is a long way from now. I also see the neurosurgeon a day before his appointment.

My therapist had wanted me to think about going to a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) group. I thought about it but I also have a lot of questions about it. I wrote them down the other day. I hope that I remember the notebook I wrote it in because I also want her to write the stuff she was telling me to do to express my feelings in the moment when I didn’t have words for them. I talked to a friend about going to this group as physically it can be taxing. She said to give it a go and see how it fits. If it doesn’t then I can always leave it. I wonder if my therapist will think so. I have to be honest with her that this might not be for me as I haven’t had much success with outpatient group therapy.

I am absolutely dreading my birthday party tomorrow. I know there is going to be a lot of pronouns and it is just going to stress me the fuck out. I guess I can talk to my therapist about it. Might help me to unload the fears I have about stepping up this far with my family. I know they aren’t going to be accepting. Some will, some won’t. But if I have to be here, why not let me be the man I am?

no decision making sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

No decision making sucks

I met with my therapist yesterday and the first thing she said to me was no decision making. I wanted to cry. I laughed instead. She asked why I was laughing. I honestly have no idea what I said but throughout the session, I kept giggling despite this being a serious thing. She said I shouldn’t go shopping either but I already spent a hundred bucks at Amazon because Christmas isn’t going to wait till I get over my head being bruised. I asked her about what we are to do therapy wise as I had wanted to start trauma therapy but she nixed that. Not until the new year. Great. She isn’t or doesn’t want me to think basically. I am supposed to limit my time online and stay in a dark room. I tried doing that for a while and it sucks when you are in a flare! My damn ankle is being such a fink. Also my bladder function seems to have stopped along with the pain meds being effective. I am getting hopeless really bad. The feelings of despair are hitting me and I really want to go to my happy place tomorrow. I told the therapist I wouldn’t but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

I had bought a three pack of thermal socks a couple of months ago. When I changed my sheets, I put them somewhere. I cannot find the place I put them anywhere. I checked all my drawers. They aren’t washed so not in clean clothes pile. I ordered some more socks as I swear there is only two pairs I have been wearing when I go out. No idea where the rest of them went. I had bought 2 6-packs a year ago. These two are what is left. Maybe the washing machine ate them. I don’t know.

I needed this concussion like I need…actually, I don’t even know. I hate the headaches. I have some memory problems that are worse than it was before I hit my head. I have to keep track of the hours in between voids because I went nearly 9 hours before I realized it had been a while since I last peed. All this shit to keep track of and if you lose track of one thing, you are fucked. And the shit I am talking about are meds and body functions. I literally need to write down the time I take the breakthrough med or I won’t remember when I last took it. Same goes with the Tylenol and ibuprofen I have been taking. The NP psychopharm said to take them every six hours but space them three hours apart. HA, only way for me to remember that is by putting it in my app and that is NOT happening. I’ll take them together like I did before. I find it works better for me. I read the ED visit discharge and apparently I am supposed to take naproxen but I don’t like it. I like ibuprofen better, though I have to eat when I take it or my stomach is going to HATE me. I also got to keep track of the bowels. Fuck. Always need to keep track of those suckers. Think if I don’t go tonight, I will have to take miralax again. I just bought some more because I am running low. Thank god Amazon has it at a better price than Walgreens or CVS for a big thing. I think my appetite is slowly coming back as I had a burger today. I am even getting craving for Chinese food though I don’t know what to order. I really want to go to the one down the street where I can get like a combo meal for ten bucks or so.

concussion and other shit going on

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Concussion and other shit going on

Yesterday morning I went to the ED as I had such a severe headache. I got it around 2pm and it got worse despite medication. By 3 am I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was up for 30 hours before I finally passed out. I was diagnosed with concussion and sent home with orders to brain rest. I had severe ankle pain today and decided that I am not going to be celebrating my birthday. I am in too much fucking pain and I am tired of being disabled.

I am supposed to see my therapist tomorrow. I guess after 5 months, I can call her “my” therapist. I was putting it off because I thought she would run from me by now. I like her so I am terrified she isn’t going to stay. People I like don’t tend to stay long when they work in public places. It’s like when your favorite coffee shop has that favorite pastry and then one day they no longer have it. It is sad.

I have the biggest headache the past few hours due to this damn concussion. I fell last Thursday, whacked my head off the cement sidewalk pretty damn hard it knocked my glasses off my face. This week it knocked my appetite out. I haven’t eaten too much the past week. I had a mocha and cookie today. It was 9 hours before I realized I haven’t peed. I am going to drain my bladder again before bed because I got a spasm while I was cathing a few hours ago. I hate this new life of mine and I don’t want it. I had zero urge to pee since this morning and even then I forced myself to pee. Kind of helped that I had to move my bowels. Got two things done at once. Then I showered. Only thing I didn’t do today was brush my teeth and my head hurts too much for that.

I saw my NP psychopharm today. She ordered some blood work I was supposed to get done today but decided to have done tomorrow morning. I thought she was going to order an Invega level but it isn’t on the paperwork. She wants a prolactin level, which I thought was weird. I am not having symptoms of galactorrhea. But whatever. She is also checking A1c level for diabetes. This will be like the 6th time this year I have had this test done. I am not worried about it as the level is near 5 which is normal. I think it needs to be greater than 6 to be in diabetes land.

I am tired but I wanted to let you guys know I am still around, least for now. I probably won’t be that much longer though. CRPS has won.

neurosurg appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Neurosurg appointment and other things

I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I didn’t sleep well. I was up most of the night in pain then in the morning I kept on having to run to the bathroom because of bladder and bowels ready to unleash themselves. I didn’t know if I would be able to go to my appointment because my bowels were acting up. They settled down but I was so fricken tired. I never showered like I wanted to. I stunk. I honestly don’t remember the last time I showered. Probably last week. It was snowing all day so walking was not the best.

The neurosurgeon had no idea why my bladder is not functioning the way it should. There is nothing he can see but thinks it could be a tethered cord and I have to get a special MRI so they can see it. He also wants to get images of my thoracic spine so it is going to be a long time on the machine. My back isn’t going to like it. Once I get the images done, I come back and we will discuss what to do. It doesn’t sound like the injury to my bladder is going to be helped either way. All we can do is prevent more damage from happening. I talked with the NP psychopharm before the appointment. I apparently sent her what was going on and like what usually happens, I forgot I sent her what I wrote. I am kind of feeling suicidal as this is pretty hopeless things for my back aren’t going to get better. Even if I were to have surgery, it would just be as a preventative thing, not to fix what the damage done. I can’t go to my happy place now even if I wanted to end things there. Too much fucking snow. I might have to get a hotel.

I’ve had no appetite today at all. I didn’t even have coffee. I had 3 OREO cookies and that was it. I came home from my appointment and went into a flare. Actually, I think this is the flare from Thanksgiving as I don’t think it ever went away. Nothing is touching this pain. I canceled the appointment for tomorrow with that psychologist I was supposed to see. I just can’t go out for the third day in a row. I am exhausted. All these fricken appointments that are back to back are doing a number on me. I am surprised I haven’t had more flares.

I’ve thought about my therapist all day today. She is on vacation but I wish I could have had a chance to talk to her. I see her next week but it doesn’t sound like there will be too many appointments this month because of her needing to take time off. I still haven’t written about why I should discontinue therapy. I might work on it tomorrow. I really need to think about it. Therapy for the most part has helped keep me here because the therapist wanted me to live. I just never shared in that aspect that I need to live. I feel like I should die. I always feel like I should die, that things will be better off if I were dead. Now that I know neurologically I am fucked, it doesn’t help keeping me here. And even though I never thought about having a relationship with someone, now that will never happen because I’ve lost feeling in my sexual stuff. I am okay with it but for some reason it is just another thing my fucking illness takes away from me.