Tag: psychological pain

thoughts of the midnight demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Thoughts of the midnight demon

“I haven’t slept all night as I have been in a lot of pain between my back (low pressure changes) and my ankle/foot. I am sharing with you something I have been sort of keeping from you because of fear of hosp.

Been in a quandary about what you said and what I talked about with a social worker friend. she thinks I should be evaluated. Parts of me agree but the one question, I cannot answer is the “why now…what has changed?” Frankly I don’t know. I wanted to end my life March 29th. I made the decision sometime in January. Since that time I held off for a week because the weather interfered with my plan. I have every thing worked out except the small details of where to leave my benefits pension information, banks, passwords to different accts, etc.

A few nights of despair with pain and psychache caused my plan to be more imminent. I couldn’t stand to reach my means to end my life so when I was “well”, I moved it closer. When I emailed you last night, I was so overwhelmed because I had planned, again, to end things this weekend. I’ve always had a plan and the means to carry it out. I don’t know why I haven’t acted. I know I don’t want to do it in my room. I rather be at some deserted place, which I have picked out but weather has been a factor in me getting there.

I still do not think hospital is the answer. It will not help except to babysit me and maybe give me more time to think things through or maybe work through the hard stuff and see where it leads me, but it is doubtful as the hospital just thinks this is an outpt issue (aka longer term) and once my level of safety is down, I will be released even if my “risk” factors are high.

Maybe Dr. Goldstein’s SW will be able to help me in the short term. I don’t know. I am scared to tell anyone but those I trust deeply (you). When I asked you Friday and you told me why you wanted me to live it gave me some hope to live again. Least for a day and a half. I do have plans for a book. But if I don’t get past these suicidal disturbances (I can send you a paper on it if you like), I don’t see the point in any of it. I am also ambivalent about asking for help because I have been rejected so many times or just have no received the care to reduce my internal struggle. I know this will not be an overnight thing. I know it is not a medication thing either (though I wish it were).

I honestly don’t know what to do. part of me wants to roll the dice and see if I die. Another part wants to attempt so maybe the hospital will take me more “seriously”. Walking in voluntarily hasn’t seemed to help much. I rather avoid the hospital all together and just do something else but not sure what that is.

these are my thoughts. I won’t tell you what my means are or where I am planning on ending things. Just know they are there and within reach. I have no method of planning a date. Any Friday will do, just so I can fuck with the suicide statistics.”

This is what I sent my psychiatrist. I felt she had to know because I sent her an email last night and she called me within ten minutes asking if she should send an ambulance to my house. She is worried about me, to say the least. I am so ambivalent about doing the acting part of taking my life. I don’t have to do it. That part is clear. But I want to do it so the thoughts will leave me, so that I can say I did it and then well, if I succeed then fine. If I don’t, I will be indeed a failure and I will accept the consequences. I have not chosen a very lethal means. I don’t have a gun and I don’t plan on hanging myself. But what I have chosen might end up killing me if I hit the right spot. The more I think about it the more I want to do it. It is like a nagging thing inside my head. I feel like I have two things on each side of my shoulders like in cartoons, one is like a good part and the other a bad part. Each one seems to talk louder than the other and I still survive the hellish nights of wanting to die so damn bad.

I know my means needs to go to someone else, for now. Not indefinitely. I know I should talk with someone who isn’t afraid of suicide and will hear me out when I am suicidal without resorting to hospitalization when I bring it up. I also will not abide by “suicide contracts” basically I am safe until next session without a clear plan on what to do in the meantime. If a safety plan or crisis response plan is not implemented and I am held accountable to actually do it (fuck I am wicked bad at my suggestions and following through because I know best type of thing. I am also bad at giving advice and not listening to it when it involves me). I would like a therapist that is willing to work with me on specific skills to decrease my suicidality like DBT or CBT, brief. But that involves that they actually know how to treat someone who is chronically suicidal or at least, knows chronic suicidal ideations. Otherwise, what good is either of them. CAMS is good (my opinion, the gold standard) but there are very few, if at all, therapists in the Boston area that have this type of training, least to my knowledge. There was a therapist in Cambridge that had the type of training best suited to me but unfortunately the bitch never had the courtesy of calling me back.

I have been up all night. I will most likely sleep all day. I am tempted to send this to my pcp’s social worker and see what she has to say. I will send her the link, maybe. I am very selective on who I let in on my suicidal world.

For those reading this, I am safe. I am not going to kill myself this week. I currently don’t have a specific plan in mind at the moment. So do me a favor and not call the police on me because you read this and said “omg suicidal, call the cops”.

Protected: Staring at the barrel of a gun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Bad mood kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad mood kind of day

I was up half the night again. Yesterday, I spent a few hours helping my sister go through my stuff she is clearing from my office. First she wanted me to do one thing and then later that evening, she wanted me to do something else. Well, in order for me to do the something else, I need to do the first thing she told me, which was to organize and go through my clothes. I got rid of about two bags. I had a bag of my button down shirts that I was going to take to the cleaners but they probably don’t fit my anymore so I just got rid of them. I haven’t worn them in years anyways.

Last night I was in a worst mood. I felt really overwhelmed with what my sister was telling me about my things and how SHE wanted it to be. I felt like I couldn’t have MY room the way I want it. It’s bad enough most of the stuff in my office now needs a home in my room, which means I have to clear it up and get rid of some stuff. I am not fucking happy about any of this. She was telling me I don’t need a lot of binders and other office supplies. Sorry, but I do a lot of writing and DO need those things, especially when I print off my research articles or other papers. I am not going to get rid of them just so I have to buy more later on. They are fricken more expensive now than they were back when I was in college!

I was also getting stressed because I got a pain flare up that kept me up most of the night. I had sat and stood for those few hours I was doing things, even though I rested in between doing the different things I did. CRPS doesn’t care if you rest, you are still going to hurt. I talked to a couple of friends of mine from the CES group that understands you can’t be doing shit without consequences. I was in such a mood, I emailed my psych to tell her and then told her a little about the prep I have done to end things. I didn’t say when or how I would do this, or if I was really going to go through with it. Then I had moments where I wanted to go through with it last night. It took all I had not to get up and get my means.

Yesterday, as I was eating, my back tooth started hurting me. It has been hurting on and off the past couple of weeks. I meant to call the dentist this morning but I was so damn sleepy I didn’t. I don’t know if I was up at 6 am or if I woke up, but I took my meds and then slept until noon then fell asleep again till 3pm. I never called the dentist because I forgot. I will try and call tomorrow as I got a lot of time tomorrow to do so. I have PT so maybe I can do it before I leave or when I come home.

I have been craving pizza the past few days. Think I am going to get some before I come home tomorrow. I don’t know if I want Sicilian or regular. I will get two slices. Not sure I will eat both but at least I will have it later if I don’t. My appetite has been awful lately. Yesterday, I just had a burrito, and even that I had to force myself to finish it. I don’t know why my appetite is gone. I was able to make an egg burrito when I got up before I did anything as I was hungry. I just been eating one meal a day or maybe a couple of protein bars. I have lost like 11 pounds in about 2 and a half weeks. I am not sure it is real because sometimes I weigh myself on the scale and it will say I am down and then I go a few days later and I weigh more than I did in the beginning.

I emailed my PCP’s social worker to see if I can see her. I told her that I don’t think she could do anything but at least she is someone I can talk to until I get a therapist. I haven’t called any places because I am waiting for my damn heel pain to be less than what it is. There is one place I am thinking about but I am not sure where it is and how far I will be walking. There are two locations, one in my town and the town next to me. I think I will try the one in the next town over as Google maps says it is where my ex-therapist used to be. It is a block from that location and close to Harvard Square. I don’t know if it will be easier getting there like the therapist I was with and have a temporary hold on. I kind of want to go back to see him but then I don’t. I don’t even know if this place will take me or not so, no point thinking about it until I call. I want my foot/ankle to get a little bit better before I do call. But until then I am stuck without anyone to talk to. UGH. I hate this. I have never been without a therapist this long. It is going on for at least three months now.