Tag: PTSD

waking up in pain sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waking up in pain sucks!

I woke up around five this morning in pain. My right shoulder was killing me. I could barely move it, it was so painful. I took some pain meds and some Zanaflex and just waited for it to kick in before going back to sleep. I woke up an hour later having to use the bathroom. I postponed my med alarm to go off at 10 instead of 8 so I could sleep in a little. I still feel like shit. I just had coffee and something to eat.

I don’t know if my mother is coming home today. Doctor hasn’t called my sister yet or talked to my mother. She was in there because her blood pressure was unstable. Then her sugars dropped to the point they needed to give her glucagon. She has been on a sliding scale with her insulin since and her sugars have been more stable. I miss her being home even though it is stressful at times.

I finally was able to put some heat on my side where there are muscle knots. It felt better but then my neck started hurting me and it still continues to hurt. I will try to put heat on later in the day. I really haven’t been doing it the past few days because I have been lazy. I am not sure if I am going to go to the grocery store or not. I need to get Gatorade. I don’t plan on getting more than 10 bottles at a time because that is all I can handle. I do need to get some juice for my mother but that is all.

I feel like all the energy I ever had has been sucked out of me. I feel so lifeless. Everything feels so heavy, my legs and arms especially. I feel so blah and hopeless, like nothing is ever going to change. I have therapy tomorrow and am going to ask her what she meant by saying that I am “in my head”. I really am not looking forward to therapy. She can be such a bitch at times. She wants me to be more collaborative and I am trying. I just don’t think we will ever be on the same side of things. I get she has her experience in the field and knows what may help me. But I don’t think having groups is the answer for me. I am involved in two support groups that have helped me immensely on Facebook, one of which I am the admin for. I haven’t been able to find a mental illness/depression support group that isn’t all about suicide and its members writing how they want to die all the time and no one really supporting them or the members saying they are going to end their life, see ya later type of messages. It really gets me down and makes me feel so helpless because there are so many people suffering like that. I get it because I feel that way too.

I pre-ordered the book Suicidal thoughts workbook by Kathryn Gordon, PhD. I don’t know when it will come out so I just tweeted her. I would love to see if this book helps. Maybe I can get my therapist to get it as well. I’ve been struggling past few days with my suicidal thoughts. I still feel like things would be better if I were dead.

Saturday Blog 27022021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 27022021

I had breakfast and now I am thinking of doing something for lunch. I don’t know what I want. I should make a bacon sandwich. I bought some turkey bacon that needs to be used up. I just don’t know if I am up to cooking as my legs hurt today. It is snowing so I don’t plan on going out. It’s turned to rain now but still raw so hasn’t changed my decision to leave the house. I ordered Chipotle for lunch and man it was so salty. I couldn’t eat it all.

I am so tired. I want to sleep. I might get a nap after I finish this blog. It will be my reward for writing one. I’m trying to get back to daily writing but all I can do is take one day at a time. I think I am going to have to push myself to write something every day even if I don’t get to 500 words, which is my minimum goal that I have.

I asked my friends on Facebook if they would read my blog if I posted it and so far a few said they would. Just trying to have some accountability with keeping this blog going. Been nine years almost that I have had this blog. That is a long time.

I have been having pain down my leg the past few days. It flares up my ankle. I think the CRPS is spreading to my high ankle area as I have been having a lot of pain there lately. It also has been swollen. My left hamstring has been such a bother lately and really painful. No amount of stretches help it. I also got fricken cramps and this really bothers me as I don’t know if it is uterine or bladder.

I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help my dry hair. I hope to take a shower tomorrow so I can wash my hair with it. I love the smell of it. My nephew bought it and I just refilled it basically. Anything that makes a shower more appealing I am for. It is so hard for me to shower lately because of pain. I wanted to shave my beard off tonight but it didn’t happen. I want to be clean shaven for a little while. I just can’t bring myself to do it though because I have been in a lot of pain.

I have been in a depressed mood and been thinking of some medication that will sedate me. I am just afraid that if I take it, my therapist will hospitalize me. I am no longer on this medication and I have it just to kill myself with it. I have been planning on ending it with this medication for some time but I just can’t seem to go through with it. I am too afraid that it will fail or I will be found before I die. The medication might help with sleep as I have been having so much trouble staying asleep lately but I keep waking up with pain so I don’t know if it will work. So many variables.

pain, pain, and more pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pain, pain, and more pain

I have been severely depressed and in a lot of pain with my shoulder and neck the past few days. Yesterday I went to PT for some more dry needling. She checked my progress and I have improved a lot since first going to her but the pain and sleep have not gotten any better.

A psychiatrist I follow on Twitter told me about some Taylor Swift journals so I had to have them. I just got them today and they are purdy. I can’t wait to write in them. I am still writing in a Harry Potter journal. I haven’t been writing lately. Been so hard for me to write down my thoughts lately. I know it has been a while since I last blogged. I have been really struggling with the depression. Pain has been making the depression worse so it cycles. My therapist thinks that I am in my head too much. I don’t know what that means. I got to ask her when I see her Mon. We are going to do the CBT pain workbook together. I hope that this book will help me.

I emailed my neurosurgeon asking him if my weight restriction could be increased to 15 lbs. Right now I am not supposed to lift more than 5 lbs. He gave me the okay as long as I didn’t get a headache from doing so. I feel like I have made some progress. I still am deconditioned as I brought my groceries up the stairs by myself and got really winded. It took me like six trips because there was six bags. I only bought ten Gatorade. It wasn’t the flavor I wanted but that is ok. I will go to the grocery store tomorrow and get the flavor I like. It is supposed to snow tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes. There is supposed to be some good weather next week so hopefully I can go then if this weekend’s weather is shitty.

I am in so much pain in so many body parts it isn’t funny. Mostly the pain is on my left side. I want to cry. But the tears aren’t coming. It has been so hard to cry lately. I feel like I should, I probably would feel better but I just can’t seem to let myself. I feel like watching old baseball games or Sox highlights of the 2004 and 2007 games so I can cry. It will be the same release, except instead of sad tears they will be happy tears. I am such a wimp. I watched the 2007 series DVD and cried throughout it. I swear I went through a box of tissues.

I just tweeted to the psychiatrist that I got the new journals so now we are having a conversation about how to get another lyric printed. This is so fun. Another therapist friend had a predictive text for therapist and this is what mine said “my therapist told me I am not going to be in a relationship because of my favorite country artist”. HA HA. I love it. I can’t wait to show her on Monday.

pain and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pain and therapy

I had therapy today and I was in a rotten mood. We talked about how scared I was about my mother being in the hospital and her heart being dysfunctional. Then I talked about how I wanted to die. I told her to just write me off as hopeless. She said there are no hopeless cases. I really wanted her to say ok, I won’t see you anymore just so I could off myself. But she isn’t going to do that. We set up another appointment for the week and we will start the managing chronic pain book. I asked if I needed to keep the appointment and she said it would be for me if I keep it.

I don’t know if I am going to keep it. I got the fuck its big time and just don’t want to do a damn thing except kill myself. But I can’t right now and that sucks. I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder/neck. I started hurting with leg pain before my suicidal melt down. We were talking about how PT really hurt and I wanted to die but instead told the PT that I wanted to cry. She said that I couldn’t cry so she put some biofreeze on me. Thing me sweat so bad. My shirt was soaked by the time I got home.

I have PT tomorrow. I was talking to a friend that has had shoulder injuries and she said it could be years for knots to be taken out. I hope that doesn’t happen to me. I will hate being in pain for years with this. I will definitely die if that happens. The pain is horrible. The pain goes around my ear and in my jaw. It is so awful. I am hurting something really bad and I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

I finally changed my sheets today. I am in my mother’s bed as the new foam topper takes shape. It could be up to 48 hours for it to hold shape. UGH I didn’t know this. So tomorrow my niece will help me make my bed. I tried today and my back wouldn’t have it. I folded my clothes and it took all the energy I had to do it. My back was so bad. I would have done the dishes but I was hurting too much. My ankle has flared up now so I am stuck in bed. I took double my BT meds. I hate doing that because I can’t take more if I need it. But sometimes two work better than one pill. I am getting tired so I should be going to bed shortly. I just wanted to write this down while I was still up.