Tag: suicidality

Pity Party

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pity Party

I rarely have pity parties. But tonight, something embarrassing happened to me that has been happening for a while and it just hit the wrong nerve. It depressed me because despite recovering from cauda equina syndrome (CES), not once but twice, I was ultimately disabled because of CRPS and chronic pain. Whether CES had a hand in it, I don’t know. It is doubtful as my last surgery was four years before my injury, a sprained ankle that was caused by intense spasms of my foot and ankle. That surgery was higher up the spine than my first surgery so I am not sure it affected my ankle and foot. There are a lot of what ifs, and I was pondering them today. Then the embarrassing incident happened and it hit me in the gut.

I can’t do much over what I have been dealt. I try to move on as best I can despite horrible pain. I am grateful my hands and upper extremities are not affected by pain. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t write anymore. I know there are speech to text things but I like the feel of pen on paper or the keys of the keyboard. I have my outlet with my blog to talk about how crappy the pain is and how it brings on my suicidality.

I was talking to my voices today, as I often do. We were discussing the use of testosterone and the effects of what they would do to me. That is if I don’t kill myself when I plan on it, which is soon. It all depends on how next week goes. I am nervous about it. I have even thought about assisted suicide, which may mean leaving the state and going to Oregon where it is legal there. It might take me a few months to save up for it, but what the hell. I can’t seem to get it right on my own. If a doc can prescribe me something to end it, that will help me. I don’t want to be in this level of pain or worse as I get older. It’s bad enough that just making my bed hurts. Making breakfast should not cause pain and I’m not talking something fancy, just making scrambled eggs and toast is a chore. I wanted to go to Starbucks today but my back was too painful because of the shitty weather, which is going to continue until tomorrow afternoon/evening. I’ll probably be in pain the rest of the week, more than my usual pain.

Right now my foot feels like it is being crushed. I’ve had to take my strong pain pill to quiet it down. That was an hour ago and I am still hurting. I am so frustrated that I have to wait for meds to work. Sometimes it’s 45 minutes. Others, up to two hours. I play with the Neurontin dose because I don’t want to be foggy the next day. I’ll take anywhere from 600 mg to 1200 mg a night. Some nights I don’t need it. It all depends. But when I flare, all the guns need firing. Pain today has been mostly in my foot. But my ankle hurt briefly. It piggybacks going up and down, from foot to ankle and back again. Sometimes it is the same pain, sometimes it’s a different pain in the different area of my foot or ankle. I never know what kind of pain I will get. The bone pain is the worse because that is harder to treat. It can be my malleolus or the metatarsals. And is always severe, like can’t move at all severe. I wish there was just one pill I could take for all of the CRPS pain. But there isn’t. And then there is an MGH resident that says opioids don’t work on pain at all. I like him to have CRPS. The meds might not take away my pain 100% but it brings it to a bearable level and that is all I need. Lately my pain has been rampant, a 7 or higher. Used to be a 6, now a 7 is my new “normal”. Before then, it was a 3. That was at least two years ago, maybe? What happens when my pain is a 10 every day? I probably won’t be alive to know. I hope so, anyway.

Saturday Blog 3 Mar 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 3 Mar 18

I’ve had a crazy, painful day. I was up till about 3 and then woke up whenever my med alarm went off, took my BP pill, and went back to sleep for about another 2 hours. I made breakfast and was feeling down and blah. I had sent my psychiatrist an email telling her how much despair I was feeling because pain was interfering with my sleep so much lately. I was so tired of being turned down by doctors to help treat my pain, including my own PCP. I haven’t received a response. I also sent my friend an email, though I don’t recall what it was about. I just called it “just venting”. I haven’t read her response yet. I had made coffee after I made my breakfast and as I was drinking it, I wrote this on Facebook:

I hope that my posting pics of making this or that doesn’t negatively affect me in some way. Don’t get me wrong, as much as I love to cook, it comes with a price. Last night making the ribs and tots cost me some serious pain. I didn’t get to sleep till 3 am. I am grumpy today and my mother wants me to go to Market Basket for some cheese cuz today is the last day of the sale. I’ll be going by bus, which is gonna cost me some spoons. I still need to shower as it has been almost a week. People with chronic illness have to take each activity slowly. Making breakfast might cost me that shower. Going to the grocery store might cause me to lose sleep again. It is a guessing game with this blasted chronic pain. It takes it toll. Last night I was swimming with despair and emailed my psychiatrist some choices need to be made. If not, well, I might not be anymore. I’ve had enough.
I’m going to drink my well made Starbucks coffee and ponder things. Just hope the little activity I’ve done so far can let me shower. 4 spoons left…

I took the shower and did okay. The laundry hamper was getting full so I decided to have my jeans washed. I went upstairs to change so I could catch the 1245 bus. I found a pair of Khaki jeans that I haven’t worn in quite some time. I kind of forgot about them as they were in my clean clothes pile, lying at the bottom. I thought they were shorts until I pulled them out. Then I remembered why I haven’t worn them in a while. The waist was tight. I am sure the cookies I had with my coffee did me no favors. I put things in the pockets and put some pain pills in my pocket pill container. I had run out on Wednesday when I went out last. I meant to put some more in but forgot, which sucked when I flared at my psychiatrist’s office.

I went to the bus stop and waited. And waited. And waited some more. The bus never came and I froze as it was still windy and cold. I caught another bus to where I had to catch the bus I needed for the grocery store. I thought I missed it, but it was late. Thank god. I didn’t want to wait another half hour in the cold. The grocery store was kind of typical. Crowded for a Saturday, which is usual. I wanted to get the produce my mother wanted but they had all the registers open and I couldn’t sneak by, which meant I had to go around. So I grabbed the cheese my sister wanted and then went to deli for the cheese my mother wanted. I stood longer than I should have because I had a new guy. I don’t know if he was being trained or what as the other two people working there were telling him what to do. I got what I needed then went to produce. I had a hard time knowing where things were. I finally found where the spinach and green beans were then went to the lines. I got in the express lane as I only had a few items. The total went to $65 and I was like what? The cashier was like what was $33 dollars, and I told him nothing should be that much. He showed me the description and the new deli person was charging me $33 for a quarter pound of salami! WTF!! I told him I didn’t want it because I didn’t want to go back to the deli. I just wanted out of the store. My back and ankle were murderous.

As this was the first time going to this grocery store by T, I didn’t know where the bus stop was. I quickly scanned when I crossed the street and found it. When I got there, I checked the bus schedule and one was leaving the station soon. I was going to go back to my original destination when my sister called me when I was near the Square. She said she would pick me up because she needed the cheese now. Okay! Came home and told her the story of the salami. She couldn’t believe it. I told my mother and she laughed. She asked if I did get her the salami and I said no, I didn’t want to go back to the deli. My sister was almost done cooking the lasagna. I was glad because I was cooked! I was so tired and in pain. I really didn’t want to go back down stairs but I was hungry as I didn’t have lunch.

I just came back to my room now. I was chatting with my sisters and my niece. It was a pleasant meal, even though I was in pain. I found out my sister loves Ed Sheeran. She was playing some of his music and she was like don’t you know his music. There is only 2 songs of his that I like, 3 if you count his current song, Pleasant Symphony, which I had her turn off because it was going to make me cry. His voice is just amazing.

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.

surviving depression 23 June 2006

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

June 23, 2006

I know what you are going through. Sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me. The only thing that is keeping me alive these days is my word to my therapist that I won’t go through with my thoughts. The pain of living is just too much to bare right now. My therapist often asks me how I get through this. There is a quote that I keep telling her that I got from one of Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, “Only one option left, to suffer”. She is my inspiration as she has bipolar disorder, tried to die by suicide, and is one of the leading researchers/teachers of the disorder. I know it doesn’t make sense to suffer all the time but millions of people out there do it everyday. We few that are in this group do it every day, though it is most difficult and we come from different backgrounds and sections of the world. I know it sucks, but the trick is to realize when we feel this way, it is NOT our true selves, it is the disorder that is talking. I know we all feel like scum of the earth for no reason other than for being allowed to breathe, to be something called alive that we wish we didn’t have to be. One reason why I have read so much about depression and there are a lot of good books out there, is that you have to know the disorder, understand it, then you can know what to do, sometimes when it isn’t hitting you on the head with a 60 lb hammer. Sometimes knowing the demons is better than not knowing them. I know that it isn’t always easy when our physical bodies wreck our lives and we are no longer feel apart of the human race because our b&b are not functioning and we have physical pain that is driving us insane. But things aren’t always going to be this way. One of the books that I had read said that suicide is complete in 10 minutes and if you wait out those ten mins, you will survive. The same thing goes for depression. Though instead of 10 mins, it’s more like 10 days or more. But it doesn’t last. Eventually it lifts, and we return to “normal” functioning until the next episode. The HARDEST part of this fucking disorder is that we forget that we have survived the worse of it. Every time we are stuck in an episode, we think it is for the first time, that we are NEVER going to feel better, ever. I am telling you that you are. No matter how hopeless you feel right now, tomorrow might be a better day and if it is not, least you survived today. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be here for you. Count on it.

About the mood stabilizers, I suffer from bipolar depression, which is a little different than major depression. I sometimes have periods where I am really hyper, don’t sleep, eat, think I am on top of the world, talk excessively, and can’t stand still. These periods don’t last too long, maybe a week or two, then I either have a period of being normal and/or crash big time. I take Trileptal for it and it has helped some with the Cymbalta. Trileptal is an anti-convulsant that is used a “mood stabilizer”. There are other drugs that are used, but you should be seen by a psychiatrist for evaluation. Most GP’s don’t have a clue about psychotropic meds and it isn’t a good idea for them to play around with it if you don’t have the diagnosis.