Category: chronic physical pain

thoughts of the midnight demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Thoughts of the midnight demon

“I haven’t slept all night as I have been in a lot of pain between my back (low pressure changes) and my ankle/foot. I am sharing with you something I have been sort of keeping from you because of fear of hosp.

Been in a quandary about what you said and what I talked about with a social worker friend. she thinks I should be evaluated. Parts of me agree but the one question, I cannot answer is the “why now…what has changed?” Frankly I don’t know. I wanted to end my life March 29th. I made the decision sometime in January. Since that time I held off for a week because the weather interfered with my plan. I have every thing worked out except the small details of where to leave my benefits pension information, banks, passwords to different accts, etc.

A few nights of despair with pain and psychache caused my plan to be more imminent. I couldn’t stand to reach my means to end my life so when I was “well”, I moved it closer. When I emailed you last night, I was so overwhelmed because I had planned, again, to end things this weekend. I’ve always had a plan and the means to carry it out. I don’t know why I haven’t acted. I know I don’t want to do it in my room. I rather be at some deserted place, which I have picked out but weather has been a factor in me getting there.

I still do not think hospital is the answer. It will not help except to babysit me and maybe give me more time to think things through or maybe work through the hard stuff and see where it leads me, but it is doubtful as the hospital just thinks this is an outpt issue (aka longer term) and once my level of safety is down, I will be released even if my “risk” factors are high.

Maybe Dr. Goldstein’s SW will be able to help me in the short term. I don’t know. I am scared to tell anyone but those I trust deeply (you). When I asked you Friday and you told me why you wanted me to live it gave me some hope to live again. Least for a day and a half. I do have plans for a book. But if I don’t get past these suicidal disturbances (I can send you a paper on it if you like), I don’t see the point in any of it. I am also ambivalent about asking for help because I have been rejected so many times or just have no received the care to reduce my internal struggle. I know this will not be an overnight thing. I know it is not a medication thing either (though I wish it were).

I honestly don’t know what to do. part of me wants to roll the dice and see if I die. Another part wants to attempt so maybe the hospital will take me more “seriously”. Walking in voluntarily hasn’t seemed to help much. I rather avoid the hospital all together and just do something else but not sure what that is.

these are my thoughts. I won’t tell you what my means are or where I am planning on ending things. Just know they are there and within reach. I have no method of planning a date. Any Friday will do, just so I can fuck with the suicide statistics.”

This is what I sent my psychiatrist. I felt she had to know because I sent her an email last night and she called me within ten minutes asking if she should send an ambulance to my house. She is worried about me, to say the least. I am so ambivalent about doing the acting part of taking my life. I don’t have to do it. That part is clear. But I want to do it so the thoughts will leave me, so that I can say I did it and then well, if I succeed then fine. If I don’t, I will be indeed a failure and I will accept the consequences. I have not chosen a very lethal means. I don’t have a gun and I don’t plan on hanging myself. But what I have chosen might end up killing me if I hit the right spot. The more I think about it the more I want to do it. It is like a nagging thing inside my head. I feel like I have two things on each side of my shoulders like in cartoons, one is like a good part and the other a bad part. Each one seems to talk louder than the other and I still survive the hellish nights of wanting to die so damn bad.

I know my means needs to go to someone else, for now. Not indefinitely. I know I should talk with someone who isn’t afraid of suicide and will hear me out when I am suicidal without resorting to hospitalization when I bring it up. I also will not abide by “suicide contracts” basically I am safe until next session without a clear plan on what to do in the meantime. If a safety plan or crisis response plan is not implemented and I am held accountable to actually do it (fuck I am wicked bad at my suggestions and following through because I know best type of thing. I am also bad at giving advice and not listening to it when it involves me). I would like a therapist that is willing to work with me on specific skills to decrease my suicidality like DBT or CBT, brief. But that involves that they actually know how to treat someone who is chronically suicidal or at least, knows chronic suicidal ideations. Otherwise, what good is either of them. CAMS is good (my opinion, the gold standard) but there are very few, if at all, therapists in the Boston area that have this type of training, least to my knowledge. There was a therapist in Cambridge that had the type of training best suited to me but unfortunately the bitch never had the courtesy of calling me back.

I have been up all night. I will most likely sleep all day. I am tempted to send this to my pcp’s social worker and see what she has to say. I will send her the link, maybe. I am very selective on who I let in on my suicidal world.

For those reading this, I am safe. I am not going to kill myself this week. I currently don’t have a specific plan in mind at the moment. So do me a favor and not call the police on me because you read this and said “omg suicidal, call the cops”.

My biggest fan and now new ankle sprain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I asked my psych why she wants me to live so badly and she says she is my biggest fan, wants me to write another book (offered to write her biography, she declined), and I have something to offer to the world. Guess I’ve rubbed off on her after 26 yrs. *mind blown* She also said she was fond of me. Holy fuck. I can’t deal. I so wanted to end things this weekend. Now I am having a hard time with it. She wants me to call her some time early next week. If I don’t, she is going to call me. I can’t escape from her grip. Well I can but she is making it really hard.On the way home, I stepped on the curb where it wasn’t level. I nearly lost my balance. I twisted my “good” ankle, the one that was getting better. I had my brace on so I think it kept me from falling and possibly twisting it more than I did. I came home and took it off. I just relaxed for a while before hunger got the better of me. I looked at my ankle and there is a bruise forming. My PT is going to love that when I see her Tuesday. I put an ice pack on it after I ate. Move my foot and it still smarts. Hope it is better tomorrow but I doubt it.Even though my scale has been on the same weight the past week, my clothes are so much looser. I had a pair of jeans I wore today that were tight on me at the waist. No more. I think I’ve gone down a size. Even my PJs are loose on me! And they have an elastic band. Maybe the fat is being redistributed or something. I don’t know. I told my psych and she just wants me to see my pcp. I still am not eating my normal stuff. Yesterday I went to the game and only had 1 hot dog. I usually have at least three. I love their dogs. But I had no appetite. I also have been retaining my urine more. I am only going a couple times a day. I will have to let my pcp know. It could be my meds or it could be my nerves as my back has been hurting me more.I am so sore from the game. We walked all over the park. We met my cousins at the top top deck, which had me winded as there were stairs. I hated it. It a nice view but I like being on ground level. I had a good time as I love Fenway. But when I got home, my mood sunk.Today I felt like I was hit by a truck. Surprisingly, I could walk though I was sore. I was in a bad mood. I really didn’t want to see my psych but I pushed through. I didn’t tell my psych what my weekend plans were. I just couldn’t. Wish she would tell me what kind of book to write. She has said my writing has gotten better. Fuck. I said I won’t be winning the Pulitzer and she said that ok, she wasn’t looking for that. How she became my biggest fan, I haven’t a fricken clue. She surprises me all the time. I tried telling her I wasn’t going to see her again and she wouldn’t have it. I had either 1 or 2 weeks before I was to see her again. She gave me “the tone” so there was nothing I could do.

Clearing room and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been slowly making some progress in my room. I was making room so some office stuff could go in. Then I talked to my youngest sister and she said I should just be clearing my room so they could rip up my rug and fix the wall in my room that is bubbling. News to me. I know they wanted to do this but where they were to put my bedroom stuff and office stuff remains a mystery to me. Unless some of it goes in my Mother’s room while they do the stuff and then vice versa. Yes, they want to rip up my mother’s rug, too. I wouldn’t mind having linoleum. I have always hated having a rug but it was what my mother wanted, not me.

I have been talking to someone on Twitter past couple of weeks, maybe more. My moods have been volitile, not in a violent sense, but in how morbid and suicidal they can become when my chronic pain flares up, which has been awful since the stress and moving/clearing stuff has started. So me and this person talking and I’ve been telling them how suicidal I was. Last night, I was letting go of my feelings, not only talking privately but also in my Twitter feed. The person got concerned so reported me. I was pissed off, worried cops would show up at my house later this morning. I am not sure how Twitter handles such a threat. I may lose access to my account for a bit or I would get a thing of saying someone reported me and I should call a hotline. Or both these should occur as well as a wellness check by local PD. We ended up talking through stuff. I venting to her the frustrations of things but not really saying why I stressed. We go into the dynamics of suicide prevention. She suggested moved to Houston. I told them I thought of going to Menninger for treatment but they just use treatment as usual, which I am not quite sure what that is. I just know it is a 6-8 week program which may help keep some of the demons at bay. One study they did was actually successful in preventing relapse. I forget the discipline they used, but I think it was some kind of CBT. I know David Jobes had tried CAMS with suicidal persons but there was a lack of communication between study personnel and staff. Also some staff had attitudes of “they are just going to do it anyway”, which is a myth. Anyway, as moving doesn’t seem to be an option, I am unable to access the programs the Twitter person mentioned. They were still concerned for my safety and I kept reassuring them I okay. I couldn’t say it with 100% certainty but I knew I wasn’t going to do it last night. I have a baseball game I will be going to tonight and then I am to see my psych Friday. The weekend is up in the air.

I’ve been thinking of ending things for so long now. I probably should be in the hospital but I can’t for fear of what my sisters and mother will do with my stuff. My middle sister has “given” me a month to go through my stuff in the living room. My youngest wants me to go through the stuff in my bedroom. Problem is I cannot be in two places at once. Nor can I do stuff on a daily basis. My pain was through the roof just to finishing clearing 1 box in my room and then setting up my new modem. Now I just need to vacuum the area and go through my bookcase so I can get some books off the floor. I got approximately a shelf and a half, maybe more as there are some books I just want in boxes to put the newer books. I also want to get rid of my subwoofer and desktop computer to make room on my desk. I was going to part with it but have decided not to. I can put some more books on it as well as store my office supplies once I go through the drawers.

There is no doubt my mood has tanked horribly and so fast. My appetite has come back but my normal level of depression has not. I am so stressed with my sister here. She has taken over nearly every room. The kitchen is full of her stuff that there is no counter space like there was. I have no idea why she wanted to have her kitchen stuff here. We don’t need two mixers and can openers as well as towels and utensils. It is too much. And the bathroom! Omg. Her son and her have so many bathroom stuff. I know my mother and i had a lot of bathroom stuff but they have double what we have. JFC.

I need to have my eyes checked. I am not sure if my pain or exhaustion causes my eyes to become unfocused at times or my glasses just need to be updated. Although with my current “extra” money going towards my cable bill this month, I am not sure when I can afford new glasses. I have a pair of frames that I want to have the lenses but not sure they will do that at the eye place I go to or if I have to go else where for the lenses. Last time I just tried to do this, it costed me the same price as getting a frame and lenses. But I think my I insurance will cover the cost so it won’t be as expensive. I want to get the kind of lenses that repel dust and smudges, a type of oil repellent as well as anti glare. This kind is expensive but if it saves me from having to clean my lenses two, three times every day, it will be worth it. The type of frame I have I think will be better for multifocal lenses as they are bigger than what I am wearing now. I hate having to wear glasses all the time because if I don’t my eyes become unfocused and everything becomes blurred. It really hurts my eyes because I am straining them to see.

So this is the update. I wrote this on my phone so if there are typos or words missing (my phone has gotten in the habit of erasing words after I type them) please let me know so I can fix it. Thanks

Waking up dreading the day and in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

The barometric pressure dropped 0.40 points overnight and my foot/ankle and back felt it. I woke up in a horrid mood, much like I have the past two weeks. Depression has been really bad. I’ve been talking with my psych daily to avoid hospitalization. I refuse to go back in unless I attempt.

I spent the day either sleeping to fantasizing my death. I seriously wonder if I will ever go through my stupid thoughts or just keep planning over and over again. I told my psych how bad things were Friday night hence why we have been talking daily. I’ve been afraid of emailing her due to being forced to show up at an ER.

My family has been upside down since my sister moved in last week. She must have said “you don’t need that” at least a hundred times, if not more. There is no kitchen space as her stuff is there. I want to bake but really have no energy to move the stuff out much less have the space to place the cookie sheets. I am pissed that she told me I need to make room in the living room by going through my office stuff so her daughter can sleep on the couch. I don’t understand why she can’t sleep on my other sister’s couch until we square things away here. I have no idea how long it is going to take me to make stuff in my room for my office stuff. I cleared a box last week but still haven’t broken it down. I got hit with mega pain and back spasms so I was out of commission for a few days. Plus being depressed I don’t want to do a damn thing except kill myself. My psych is preventing that. I kind of wish I wasn’t under her surveillance. I really don’t want to see or talk with her.

I am just going to take my night meds and read Harry. I don’t have the energy for anything else.