Category: psychosis

school worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis

Just got the notice that my state refund was redirected to the state university towards the money I owe. Now with the close to $900 I will pay off the entirety of what I owe and be free to hopefully enter class in the summer. Though I am a long way from actually going there right now. I just learned I got to get readmitted and it has to go through a review process. I know my transcripts hasn’t been great at the school, but working two jobs and going to school was tough. I was lucky to get a B or even a C. Though I have more W’s than I do actual grades. I also have a couple of incompletes that are now F’s so I know my GPA sucks right now. I feel really rotten as it is and summer is a long time away from now. I have until the middle of April to sign up for this class I want to take. I really, really want to take this class. It is the history of psychology and is only offered over the summer. It is a summer long course and is upper level. I will have my work cut out for me because it will also be my first online course. I’m now starting to chicken out. Plus it really won’t matter if I go through with my plans for the end of the week.

The typical worries I have is what if I don’t get accepted back? What am I going to do? I really want to go back to this university as it will suck to start over somewhere else. I know the professors in the psych department so know what it’s like. I won’t have that advantage at another school. Plus I can take my time this go round because I won’t be bothered with the demands of work. The hard part is going to be paying for it as loans are out of the question. I’ll have to save some money every month and be on a strict budget to go back.

The whole process is kind of freaking me out. If I don’t get accepted I have to go to another school. If I survive this week and don’t do what I want to do. Maybe school is too soon after this mental breakdown I have been experiencing. But then, the reason I left school was because I had a breakdown. I just couldn’t handle school and work and became psychotic. But now I will just have school to focus on. Maybe I will excel maybe I will just be as overwhelmed and it won’t happen like I plan. Nothing happens like I plan it to go. I will be a fool to say that everything goes right for me but it doesn’t.

exciting article

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

Just read an interesting article about the Collaborating and Management of Suicidality (CAMS). I can’t believe this theory is 25 years old. It is gaining more acceptance as time goes on as more countries are using it as a treatment modality in suicidal people. It is a clinical intervention that is used as a collaboration between client and therapist in the treatment and care of a suicidal person. I find it one of the best out there and it is the best because it can be used across the disciplines in the mental health field.

I will be writing more about this. I write a lot about Jobes, the creator of CAMS and the SSF (suicide status form). He is the most brilliant person I have ever met. The fact that this is going to electronic way I think will be used across mediums and will be easier to deliver. Most clinicians have gone the electronic way but not all. This makes me want to go back to school and get my degree.

Farkle and buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, writing

Nothing interesting going on today. I went to see my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist and I talked about my current delusion/paranoia: the 6 die and the crowding on the bus. I play a game called Farkle and it is a dice game that is played on my phone or computer. Don’t really know the object of the game other than to collect as many points without Farkling, which is when you don’t get the one or five die. Lately my delusion has been focused on the 6 die thinking it just wants to kill my game. I become paranoid every time I get a 6 thinking game over. But usually that is not the case. Irrational I know but when you are delusional, you can’t be rational.

The crowding on the bus situation is my true paranoia. I HATE it when people start crowding up the entrance doors and I literally begin to panic and have anxiety. I just get so paranoid that these people that are standing are going to go flying because the bus had to come to a sudden stop or some jerk cuts the bus off. The worse is when strollers get on the bus and take up seating for people. One time there were three strollers and they weren’t the small kind. I am talking about the heavy duty ass big wheelers that take up 3 adults just to fit a small tyke that swallows it whole. DRIVES ME NUTS. It blocks the aisle where people want to get off or on and then I am left usually without a seat at my designated disability seat because these mini cars are now in my way. I will not go out because of this paranoia some days. I just can’t stand to see the aisle clogged up with people or strollers. It just makes me really anxious.

Because I spent a good time out today, my ankle is really sore. I am finding that even the smallest of activities have flared it up. The pain is bone crushing. This is the lateral malleolus or the bone that sticks out at your ankle. The pain is so intense, especially when I stand. I know all the more reason that I should lose weight but when you can’t fricken walk right, all you can do is restrict your caloric intake and that is difficult to do. I have been trying for weeks to stick to a diet but I have been failing completely. I just can’t help it. I like to eat. I have been trying to control the cravings but it is so difficult. If I want Chinese, I’ll have it. If I want pizza, I order it (I like plain cheese so it’s not too bad). Today I thought about Thai food but decided against it as after my appt with my psychiatrist I just wanted to go home. I thought about making manwich. I haven’t had that in sooo long. So tomorrow I will make that. I bought the lean meat. Only problem is that I am the only one that likes it. I usually end up eating it all. Another item of food I cannot resist. It is just sooo good!!

Ramblings 25

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Not been feeling good today. Back has been bothering me and so has my stomach. Seems like no matter what I eat lately, I get indigestion. I just took some Mylanta, the Walgreens equivalent as the real Mylanta hasn’t been on the market for quite sometime.

I got my haircut at my cousin’s house tonight. I had to get my haircut because it was getting too long. It’s been at least two months since my last cut. I like to keep my hair short and buzzed close at the sides and back. I wanted to take a shower afterwards but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I just washed my hair and that was it.

I was supposed to go out tonight but the Bruins are playing and I didn’t feel like going to a bar. I just don’t like loud places anyways.

Person from my long term disability company called me yesterday to check in. I don’t know what to say to her. I still have pain but it has been minimal because I no longer leave the house anymore. I might go out three days tops, and that is only if I really feel like going out for a coffee. Today I went out and now my ankle is thanking me with pain. I just can’t win. And what if she asks me about my mental health. I will just say yea I think about killing myself nearly everyday and wish every night before going to sleep that I don’t wake up. I just can’t face another day of nothingness. I haven’t been taking care of myself, more now so than before I got the disability. I shower maybe twice a week if that. I don’t do housework, though my mother now needs help with it. I’m not sure how I can help her as I can’t really be on my feet for too long.
It sucks having Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I’m lucky it likes the cold as the temperature has dropped to the twenties. I cannot tolerate the heat anymore. I like to be warm but not too warm. Sometimes I can’t even have the sheet on my feet/leg it bothers me so bad. But at least the swelling has gone down some though I still have a lump in my leg where it shouldn’t be. I so want to excise it. But I have been told that I might cause more damage if I excise than leaving it alone. I’m just glad that the voices haven’t been around telling me to excise it. I would have to go back to the hospital. I am taking my antipsychotic med. I have to take it every other day or else I become delusional and psychotic. It has been helping with the paranoia that I had when I was on a crowded bus or train. Now I can be around people without freaking out that they are going to kill me. How fun it is having Schizoaffective disorder or as my therapist calls it just bipolar disorder with psychosis. Apparently I don’t have the “positive” features of the Schizoaffective part.

I haven’t been hospitalized for almost six months. That’s good but I have been feeling like I should be in. I just can’t take living my life anymore but then I know I won’t really get the help I need. Most hospitals don’t have time for individual work and so lump you in with a group of treaters to talk for 15 minutes of the day. Then it’s back to the ward doing nothing but arts and crafts all fucking day, least until dinner time. The groups they have are useless. On a good day you might get psychotherapy group. I like that group, I can get something out of it. I should make an effort to go to an outpatient group therapy but of course I have no motivation or inclination to do so. I think it might break up the monotony of the day but that would mean leaving the house at least once a week. I was thinking of going to a LGBT group to be more comfortable. And maybe help with the transitioning of things but I don’t think you can do that in a group. I don’t know, maybe next week I will call. Or have my therapist call to find out more information about it. It will be local so I wouldn’t have to travel too far. I just am afraid I might not be able to walk to the center because it is too far from the T stop. There isn’t a bus that goes by and the closest train stop is more than a few blocks away. Difficult for someone with mobility issues. Course I could take a cab but that is just wasting money to me but maybe it is something to think about. But that is if I get “accepted” into the group to begin with.