Tag: chronic suicidality

From 11/22/2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

From 11/22/2015

Around this time, I was having trouble with my therapist. We were fighting over my suicidality. This is just one piece of the pie. Today 13/Feb/19, things haven’t changed. I still feel suicidal. I still want to write that note. I still want to drink that shot. I am seeking oblivion from feeling so empty and hurt. February since 2001 has been filled with anniversaries. The last one of ending both therapists, one temporarily. The other permanently. My heart is broken. I feel unloved. I feel uncared for. I feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to. I miss going to Starbucks and writing, even if it was in my journal only.
I just have physical therapy now. My schedule is an open book. Sure I see my psychiatrist every two weeks and will be seeing a new PCP. My life is surrounded my doctor appts.
My heart is aching so bad right now. I don’t think it will ever heal. I think dying is better.

Written 22/Nov/15

Regarding my suicidal career
I have been feeling like I should write a suicide note. I don’t know why this popped into my head tonight. I have been really struggling with suicide the past few days. I have a suicidogenic mother. She just brings it out in me. Tonight she called me “dear”. Last night she was calling me a lazy ass and tonight I am a dear? I know she was being sarcastic. She didn’t mean it. Neither parent ever means what they say so how am I supposed to believe them?
I sometimes don’t trust what my sister says either. I am not an emotional person. I just feel cut off from my feelings sometimes. Other times I am just so depressed I can’t do anything. I feel suicidal and that is all that I will feel. I don’t feel angry, I feel hurt most of the time.
I have been avoiding Twitter tonight because I am TiVo’g the American Music Awards and I don’t want to hear about it until I watch it. It’s so hard not being on Twitter. I would so love to tweet some more lyrics of Eric Church.
I am struggling with my suicidality. It would be so easy to die right now. And no one would know until the morning. But I don’t know how to kill myself. That is the whole fucking problem. I don’t have a gun or a high place. I don’t even have a beam to hang myself from. And you can’t die by wishing it. I tried that many a times and I am still here. I feel embarrassed that I told my cousins that I was poor. I don’t know why I told them that. It just came up and I blurted it out without thinking. Now they think whatever they think of me. They probably think I am a loser. That is bothering me, too. I feel like such a jerk. I really want to drink my problems away but I know that won’t help. Plus I just took my pain medication so that wouldn’t be a great idea. My therapist would have a cow if I drank and had my pain meds. She nearly had a coronary the last time I drank and took the meds. All it was, was two pain pills and a shot or two of gin. I didn’t even get drunk. I just slept really good. I don’t think I took my night meds. Tonight I took my night meds so no drinking. I hate that I am so strict with myself about alcohol. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would love some honey whiskey. I have decided that for my birthday I am having 4 shots of whiskey, one for each decade I am alive, that is if I am still around. Tomorrow will mark one month till D-Day. I am so disgusted with myself for living this long. I never wanted to be an adult. I just really hate myself.
My cousin called me tonight. Left me a message saying where am I, how am I doing, the usual bullshit I hear from him when he doesn’t call me every night. He wants me to call him in the morning. HA, I had to laugh. He won’t be up. He is the one that is healthy but has bipolar disorder. He also is the one that calls me when my mother has groceries. I don’t like talking with him because he never understands the depth of my depressions. He doesn’t get suicidal with his depressions. He just barely functions (according to him) but he does the shopping with my mother and my aunt. He takes care of himself pretty good. Better than I do. I barely left the bed today. Only time I left my room today was to make something to eat or to have dinner with my mother. I didn’t even pee that much today because I haven’t been drinking any fluids. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is always orange. I have no thirst. I am past that. Sometimes I will get thirsty but it’s rare. I bought some orangata by San Pellangrino. I like it. Maybe it will help my dehydration. My grocery bill is over $200. I bought a lot of oatmeal and pancake stuff. I like getting the big stuff because I make a lot of oatmeal pancakes. I also like the simply orange juice and juice isn’t cheap anymore. My mother won’t buy it because it’s more than $3. I also bought a 9×13 pan that was on sale. But those pans are hard to find so I hope it doesn’t crack. It’s a pyrex dish with a cover. I bought it to make my brownies for my birthday. I figure I might as well have what I want for my birthday and this year I want a brownie cake with cool whip and cherries on top. All my mother has to do is mix it and put it in the pan. She also needs to buy the cool whip. I don’t know how long it stays so I figure when it gets closer to my day, she can get it. This is if I make it to my birthday

Still emotional, thanks gender dysphoria

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

My pcp is still a dickhead. I asked him if he would fill my female hormones and his nurse said sure what is it. I answered now I have to see the repro endo doc. He doesn’t want to do it. Fucking asshole. I’m still a wreck from yesterday and hate, absolutely HATE having to still take these hormones because my Testosterone therapy got pushed back because of him. Almost a year now he has been dicking me around, one thing after another. I am so sick of it. Am I supposed to just see him for cough and colds? It is looking that way. I don’t need a referral for my insurance so if I want to see a specialist, I am just going to. No point in seeing him first. Just a waste of time I could use to make an appt with the specialist.

Saw the pain program doc today. He is okay. Can’t comment more as all he did was repeat my medical history and type really fast. He wants me to continue to see my pain doc and I told him I might not as he is reluctant to increase my meds to give me some quality of life. How I am supposed to work in this program with horrendous pain, I have no clue. I also need to get a PT eval for my thigh as the program PT is 2 months away. I can’t wait that long. I am going to email my current PT and see what she says but I don’t think I can see two PTs at once. So fucking frustrating.

I had to make a pit stop to the Square because the bus that would take me home was longer than the bus to the square. I don’t care, though my sprain ankle is hurting. I didn’t wear the brace because I didn’t want to be bothered taking off two braces. I’m wearing 2 different sneaks and don’t fucking care.

I had a snickers latte today because I need it goddamn it!! Also had something to eat because of the emotional stuff. I feel better now. I need some protein bars. Getting irrational when I don’t eat is getting more frequent. Hope my diabetes test comes back within normal limits. My psych ordered it but I haven’t had a chance to get it drawn yet. Might get it done tomorrow if I am not up at the crack of dawn. My therapist is back from vaca. I see him tomorrow and I can’t wait. Got a lot to talk about.

My mother needed some things today so as I am out, I got to get them for her. I am going by that way so no big deal. I will get some protein bars with her cash as I am broke until tomorrow.

When i see my psych next i am going to ask her if i can go back to the LGBT clinic for T therapy. I just hope i don’t have to start the whole process over. It will send me over the fucking edge.

CRPS Unpredictability

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, suicide

About 45 minutes ago, I have no idea what I did. I was in my normal fetal position with my feet on top of one another. I moved my bad CRPS foot into the curve of my good ankle and it felt like I was trying to snap it in half. I cried. I screamed OW. No one would hear me. My mother was knocked out. I tried to remain still but that just made the pain worse. I had to sit up and take a BT med. Carefully I maneuvered my feet so I could turn to sit up. Pain was all over my ankle and foot. I didn’t want to live anymore. What would be the point? More pain?

I posted on social media that I wanted to blog but I couldn’t find the words. All I could think to say was I am in pain. I posted why can’t I end it? Why? A few friends responded. I got a phone call from my cousin in Texas. I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk. I can’t talk when I am like this. My mind is in the gutter and no one understands. No one gets this pain because they don’t feel it every day like I do.

I posted to my CRPS group. Some of them get it. Some have been where I am. Rain is the only thing stopping me from ending it right now. I don’t care. I am reserving some emergency cash for when I feel like this again and the weather is better. Maybe i won’t go through with it.

I got a lot going on the next few weeks. Don’t know how but I’ve booked an appt nearly every day the last week in August. That is going to kill me and I’ll have to cancel some of those appts.

The thing that bothers me is that aside from doing a few dishes and showering, that is all I did today. I’ve rested most of the day. So why the fuck am I in pain now?? I had put on a sock on the offending limb because it got cold. Now it is hot. I am scared that taking it off is going to cause me more pain. But the sock is irritating me so needs to come off. Fucker

Bad flare ruined my day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I had another bad pain night. I had to leave the house early 1) to avoid the high heat and 2) to get my scripts. When my med alarm went off, I wanted to throw my phone. I honestly didn’t want to get up. I used the bathroom after taking my meds and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like shaving my head so went to the kitchen. I asked my mother if she needed anything mailed or bought while I was out. She said no.

I got dressed and then went back to the kitchen to grab my cup. Soon as I got to the stairs, my mother called me back asking me to mail something. Really?? By the time I got my bag squared and my sneakers on, I missed the fricken bus. It had pulled up when I was about 20 feet away. I wasn’t going to run. I knew another one was coming and it did.

I listened to my music. I got to Starbucks and ordered my espresso and a sandwich. I then wanted something sweet so got a cookie. Wrote in my journal for a bit and then went into town. The trains were running okay. I got my scripts and I checked it before leaving. I also got some water as I was really thirsty. The heat had climbed up.

I decided to get my tickets to see my friend south of Boston. So I went further into Boston. The machine I usually get my tickets wasn’t accepting cash so had to go to the desk. There wasn’t a line. I showed my disability pass and got the tickets. I had to show my pass in order to get the half fare.

Went back to the trains and was about to get on an elevator when an older woman stopped me. She wanted to know where the train to New York was. I told her not here and told her where to go. I don’t think she understood. The place is confusing with all the different turnstiles and entrances/exits. I got on the elevator and went on my way. By the time I got back to the Square, I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I went to the pharmacy and filled my meds.

I got home and it was really hot in the house. I was hungry but too hot to eat anything right then. I went to my room to cool off. When I felt better, I went to the kitchen and finished off the Mexican food from yesterday. It was so good.

Went back to my room. I stayed on my bed trying to decide what to do. I was wicked tired and wanted a nap. I played with my phone and relaxed on my bed. Holy fucking hell. Next minute my ankle just explodes. I am crying with severe pain. I didn’t even move my foot/ankle!! That was the weird part!! I was half lying down so had to remain still before attempting to move. Pain wasn’t resolving so I risked moving to take a breakthrough med. I was paralyzed in pain. I really wanted to nap but had no idea how I was going to move my body to my right side to sleep. I moved my leg and turned my body without more pain. Then my mother called asking me if I wanted raviolis for dinner. Fucking A. Seriously?? My phone was blowing up but I didn’t check it. It was either the T or Twitter and I needed a nap. Thankfully I slept for about an hour and a half when my mother called again. I didn’t answer it. I couldn’t move. I was in pain all over. Just breathing hurt.

The pain continued and still hasn’t let up. It is around a 10. Tomorrow will have to be shit day as I haven’t shit in a few days. I’ll be taking laxatives and fiber pills until I go. Just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. Hope I can sleep tonight. Sox won their 8th game in a row. It was a good distraction until I stood up to turn the radio off. Now I’m in hell.