Tag: coffee

Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy

I sent the blog I wrote yesterday to my therapist and she read it before our session today. We talked about it and she explained why she is often “pushy” and one sided in her decision makings. We also talked about ways she could be more collaborative in therapy and more validating. It was a good session. We talked about meeting twice a week for a while and she was open to this.

I have been tired all day. I haven’t been able to nap though. I had two cups of coffee to try and get going. I wanted to change my sheets today but I ran out of gas. My neck hurt too much today to do anything. My ankle was also bothering me so I had a fair amount of pain. There were times when the pain got so bad I wanted to end things right then and there. I thought about sending my therapist a text about it but I never did. She wouldn’t like it. My jaw has been hurting me most of the day. I have been having trouble opening my mouth and my teeth hurt on the top row. I really need to see a dentist to find out what is wrong but I think it is because I am clenching my teeth that is causing me pain. I am under so much stress and tension in my upper body. I know it has to do with trauma and not feeling safe in my own home right now. Too much stuff is happening and it is making me so anxious and hypervigilant. Plus this week is an anniversary week so I am dealing with memories of my past. These memories aren’t intrusive, they are just there and sometimes with the leg pain, causes me to react with PTSD symptoms.

I have a lot of trauma growing up and it is why I have been so tense lately. It centers around my mother and sister. One is old and the other is fairly new. Getting used to living with my middle sister again hasn’t been easy. We fight a lot of the time and often I can’t stand to be around her because she is so quick to anger. She is not physically violent, thank god but she says hurtful things and that is hard to accept. My mother just violates privacy a lot of the time. I still am not over the childhood abuse she did to me. I’ve never talked about it because I am scared to. I think I have the right therapist to help me talk about it though.

Twenty years ago this week I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I had lost function of my legs due to a disc fragment compressing my nerves. I had to have a back operation to get rid of the fragment. I had to relearn to walk, which was tough. It took more than a week for me to move my toes again and gradually feeling and sensation came back. Strength took a little while longer. Then two weeks later I developed a staph infection and became really weak. I was really sick and it was difficult to walk at that point. I couldn’t go as far as I did before. It took a long time for me to recover. All the while I wasn’t working so had financial worries. I had to file for bankruptcy and that gave me some financial freedom for a while. It took me a few years to get back up to 40 hours a week. It took a lot out of me.

Tomorrow I have PT virtually because there is going to be a snow storm. I am not going out in it. I don’t care. It is going to suck because virtual PT is not ideal but there are exercises that can be done at least. Just sucks because I really would love for the PT to massage my neck again.

Monday check in

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Monday check in

I’ve got to shower today and I think after this blog is posted, I am going to do it. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. Luckily I was able to get back to sleep. I woke up at 7 and feel rested, which is quite a change. I usually wake up tired as fuck. Last night I was having trouble with my suicidal thoughts. I texted a crisis line and it helped a lot. The person was so understanding of what I was going through. I felt validated and supported. I said that I had no plan even though I do have one but I didn’t want to get into it. I wasn’t going to do anything. It was just a lot of thoughts inundating me. My physical pain was really bad. My neck and ankle hurt so much that I was losing it. The stress that I have been under caused my neck pain as after I “talked” things out, I felt better. I know a lot of tension is in my neck and shoulders. I really hope PT helps alleviate some of the pain. My arm is feeling better. It just hurts if I touch the area that was jabbed. My chest is a different story. It still hurts when I touch it and it is swollen so I am going to have to put ice on it.

I had one cup of coffee but today might be two cups. I am thinking of having the second cup when I see my therapist around noon time. I had some toast with unsalted butter and it was gross. Never do that again. I think I am going to buy Irish butter so I can have it with toast. It is so good. I forget the name of the brand but my sisters love it, too.

I am going to try and clear off my bed today. I have been slowly getting things off and putting them where they belong or otherwise just tossing it on the floor because I have no where else to put them. Just hope the caffeine doesn’t wear off. I’d like to get my bed cleared before therapy and then change my sheets after therapy. I also plan on putting on the new foam topper that I bought that I hope doesn’t slide off the bed. This will mean I can’t be on my bed for a few hours but that is ok. I can go downstairs and stay with my mother while it settles on my bed. I just hope I can put on my sheets ok. I haven’t decided which blanket I am going to put on. I think I am going to put the blanket my mother made for me years ago on. It is heavy and warm. I just hope it isn’t too warm.

Snow storm is coming this afternoon. Snow is supposed to start around noon and end around midnight tomorrow I think. They are calling it a Nor’easter. I just hope most of the snow is plowed and shoveled by Wed when I have to go out for my PT appointment. If not I will have to have it virtually. I don’t like the virtual appointments. It is hard to really see what the therapist is trying to make me do. I am going twice a week for the next month or so. I really hope this works and decreases my pain. I just hope we get to work on my neck next because it has been really bothering me more than my shoulder.

Ankle is starting to act up again. I have noticed that when it acts up, my hamstring in my leg hurts, too. The hamstring pain is really bothersome as I can’t stretch it out or take anything for it. Usually if I just keep my leg still it helps with the pain. Last night was my niece’s birthday party. I was able to go down for dinner but I couldn’t go down for the cake as my ankle acted up. Pain is similar to what I am experiencing right now. I still hope I can shower. My hair needs to be washed. It is so damn itchy. I would love to find a shampoo that moisturizes your hair. I haven’t been able to find one. If someone knows a good brand, please pass it along. You can use the contact page or just comment on my blog.

day 2 of dry needling

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Day 2 after dry needling

It is day 2 after dry needling. I am kind of stiff so need to work out the soreness. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept waking up with my bicep hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. It still is kind of sore now. I just did my exercises. I am still sore but it is bearable.

Just listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Songs From Home. She does it nearly every Sunday she sings a new song either one of her old songs or her new one on her album. Or sometimes it is a cover from another singer or band. I love it because I love her. She makes me happy when I see her. This week’s song was “come on come on” from her album of the same name. It is one of my favorite songs.

I need to shave and shower today. I am starting to smell. I don’t wear deodorant that much anymore since the pandemic. I should use it to cut down on the sweating but I never think of it because I am not used to it. If I am going out on the rare occasion I will use it. Even in the coldest of winter I will sweat. Part of the reason I woke up around 0430 was because I was so warm. It is freezing outside so the heat has been kicking on and off. I have the ceiling fan going but still, I get hot. I only have one blanket on. I still have the AC in my window. Tomorrow is supposed to be a blizzard. Going to be cold in my room and I will love it. I texted my sister that it was 16 degrees and we should go to the beach. She laughed.

I cut my finger nails again. Seems I cut them more frequently than I do my toenails. I do need to cut them but I usually wait till after a shower so they aren’t so difficult to cut. Today is my niece’s birthday and I ordered a pistachio latte with 3 extra shots of espresso. I should be wired for the day. I haven’t had espresso in so long. I miss Starbucks. I miss going there to write and to chill while having espresso and a snack. I had coffee today but it hasn’t done much in keeping me awake. I so want to nap right now but I don’t want to wreck my record of not napping in the past week. My sleep has been better since I go to bed around 9 or 10 and for the most part I can sleep through the night except when my bladder wakes me up, like it did this morning. I don’t empty it all because of nerve damage. The PT wants me to drink a lot of water which has been hard for me to do. I am not a water drinker but have been drinking Gatorade. I just sent my PT a message as I have been getting cramps in my right side flank while doing my exercises. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I started having them while doing them in the office on Friday. I see her this week so hopefully we can work something out. She probably will tell me those muscles are tight too.

dry needling day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Dry needling day

I was nervous about the dry needling that I was having today but it worked out good. I am sore and it did hurt but nothing compared to the pain I was in. I feel so much better and can move my arm better than I have been. I got heat on it now and am drinking a lot of water to flush out the toxins from the release. I love my PT. She is so good at what she does. I took a BT med before therapy to deal with the pain. I am glad I did because I am not hurting as much as I think I would be if I didn’t. The heat on it is so relaxing.

I started listening to Linkin Park on the way home from PT. I am still listening as I write. I miss listening to their music. Sucks that no new music will come from them because of Chester’s death. Their last album was so meaningful. I think it speaks to suicide prevention.

Working on check the facts, I should die. Coming up with I don’t want to live. Other people want me to live so I go on for them. I have a very ingrained death wish and I am not sure this can change. I’ve been wanting to die since I was eight years old. Suicide has been on my mind for such a long time. I don’t think I can ever not think of it when things are rough. It’s been more than a year since I last attempted. I have the means to try again but I am scared that I will fail. I fear that what I have is not going to be enough to kill me. So I just imagine going through with it and sleeping into oblivion.

My jaw is hurting me today for some reason. It hurts to open my mouth. I know I am clenching my teeth as my teeth are sore. I really need to see the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. It has been more than a year since I last went. I just don’t know if it is safe to do so now. I know I need to have my wisdom teeth extracted and a root canal on one of my top teeth. I am not looking forward to either procedure.

I bought BelVita breakfast biscuits because I like them a lot. My sister is telling me not to have too much of them because it messes up your digestive tract. My tract is already messed up so if it gives me the shits, all the better. I had to take Miralax today because I haven’t gone in a few days. Besides, if it was going to mess me up, I think it would have done so by now as I have been eating them nearly every day for the past two weeks. I think my sister is just full of it.

I need to shower and trim my beard. I might do this later today. My foot and ankle are not really on speaking terms with me today but I can still get around. Just hope I don’t pay for it later.