Tag: mental illness

The First of November 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The first of November 2020

I have four birthdays to celebrate today. Three are friends and one is a family member. It is the beginning of birthday month. I always dread it and this year, I am dreading it more so because my aunt is no longer alive. Every time I think of her death, I am panged with grief and heartache. I talked to my sister about celebrating her birthday and we agreed to go by the cemetery where she is buried.

I shaved and showered today and it came at a price. My foot bones acted up and I am still hurting hours later. I took a pain med because I had to. I am close to crying the pain is so bad. I had to shower because I smelled so bad. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I had taken an Ativan so my back didn’t cramp up so bad. It did anyway but resting helped ease it. I wished the hot water helped but it didn’t. It did help some of the tension in my neck and shoulders. I found that soothing.

I did my meds for the week. I almost forgot to do them. I usually do them around 2pm every Sunday but I wasn’t in the mood this week as I was just getting up. I figure I would do them before I wrote my blog for the day and I did. Now one less thing to worry about. Twitter is annoying me with me vote stuff. One of the historians I follow was talking about past elections and I can’t stand it. The next few days are going to be rough. Between Covid and election talk, I am stressed out. I only leave my house if I have to. I have not even left my room long enough to empty my recycles and trash. I have to do this this week because my AC needs to come out before the weather gets colder. I would have had it removed today but it is raining again.

I need to find my heating pad. I want to see if maybe using that on my back will help the cramps/spasms. I sent a message to my surgeon about what to do. Hopefully I will get an answer by Tues. If not I will call and see what he recommends. I have had it with all these cramps and nothing but rest helping.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I don’t know what to talk about. I have been racking my brain about things to talk about but nothing comes to mind. I have an anniversary of when I went into the hospital back in 1994 coming up later this week. I always remember it because I wanted to die on Nov 5th. I really wanted to die that year. I was in one of the worst depressions of my life. It started in August and didn’t end till maybe June of 1995. It was a long depression. I had started college about two weeks after I got discharged from the hospital. I made the Dean’s list that semester. It was the only time I made it. Self-doubt nearly destroyed me after that. I felt like I was just not good enough.

Saturday Halloween Blog 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Halloween blog 2020

There were no trick or treaters this year in my neighborhood. I don’t think anyone dressed up for Halloween. I didn’t. I wanted to spray my hair gray but I never bought the paint. I had a lazy day. I went and did an errand and by the time I came back home, I was exhausted. I took a nap and it was a good one. I just hope I can sleep tonight. I was up in the middle of the night again. I had woken up around midnight and couldn’t go back to sleep until around 3ish. I read my book for an hour.

My back was giving me fits today. I tried the Zanaflex but it isn’t working for me anymore so I just been taking Ativan. Only downside is that it makes me sleepy. My back has also been hurting as the spasms have been causing pain. I need to talk to a doctor about it because it is interfering with a lot of stuff I do and I can’t be sleeping all the time from meds trying to control the spasms. I just don’t know which doctor to ask for help. I might start with my pcp and see what he says.

I have three appointments next week. Therapy, psychopharm, and PT. I have been trying to write something to talk about in therapy but I am coming up blank. I looked at the site for the pain psychologist and it was overwhelming. So many videos that were more than an hour long. I bought a workbook for managing chronic pain using CBT. I should get it over the weekend I think. I should probably get it by Monday. I think I bought the book before but I gave it away. This book was recommended on the website so maybe the therapist uses it in sessions. I will find out as I don’t think it is something to learn on your own. CBT is hard. I got to make an appointment with her.

I am so tired of being tired. I just want to sleep these days. Today was an okay day even though it was cold out. I still sweated my ass off when I came home from walking. I was out of breath and my back hurt from cramping. My shoulders and neck muscles have been hurting me for the past few weeks. They are just so damn tense and I can’t seem to get them to relax. I need a good massage. I tried finding a video to stretch the muscles but I can’t seem to do it right. I just end up rolling my shoulders and scrunching them up to stretch them out. It is the only exercise I know how to do. I am so sleepy that I could go to sleep right now. I have no energy to fight it. Guess I am going to bed early tonight. Hope I am not up at midnight again.

PT and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT and other stuff

I had PT today. I wasn’t going to go but I made myself. I so wanted to sleep in and cancel the appointment but I went anyways. Luckily, I didn’t have anymore problems with my stomach. I was worried but it cleared up after I gone to the bathroom. I have had an upset stomach for most of the day. I just had coffee and some soup for dinner. I really haven’t felt like eating.

I ordered my groceries for tomorrow. I don’t know how I am going to get them up the stairs as my nephew has been working in the mornings. I hope maybe my niece can help me. I know I won’t be able to do it myself. It would take me all day just to get half the stuff up the stairs. I learned my lesson from last time.

I have been feeling tired for most of the day but haven’t slept. I told the PT that I have been tired lately doing stuff but she didn’t really have answers for me. She is trying to build my endurance up. She gave me some home exercises to do. I hope that I will be able to do them.

My ankle has been smarting all day, probably due to the rain we are having. I am going to take my night meds in a few minutes so I hope the night dose of pain meds will help. If not, I will take the BT meds. I hate this pain. It is like a knife stabbing me right in the joint.

I have been running hot and cold today. I don’t know what to make of it and hope I am not getting sick. Have been putting on and taking off my long sleeved shirt. It is kind of cool in my room and I am under blankets. It is not helping my ankle being cold. I am just glad I haven’t been having back cramps today. It has been nice to move without them.

I need to shave and shower. I probably will do that tomorrow after my groceries get delivered. My beard is coming in as I haven’t shaved in more than a week. I haven’t felt like shaving regularly. I take it as another sign I am depressed. I haven’t listened to Taylor Swift’s latest album in a while so I just put it on. I really love the tunes. I think it is her best album yet. It is so down to earth. Perfect for the Pandemic.

struggling to stay awake

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Struggling to stay awake

Since Saturday, I have been in a funk. I have been really tired, more so than usual. I don’t know if it is the depression that is causing me to feel this way or if it is just my body reacting to PT and having a fit. I avoided a nap but I showered and it flared up my back pretty bad. Here it is hours later and I am still hurting and cramping. I just took some Ativan to try and calm things down as the Zanaflex didn’t do anything but make me more tired.

I had therapy yesterday and I wished I didn’t. It didn’t go so well and frankly I am tired of trying to put an effort into it. My therapist said that she feels she is doing the work. I am just so exhausted I don’t want to do anything. She wanted me to set some goal for the week and I didn’t want to so she got pissed. I don’t think this is working out for me anymore. She is just too strict in trying to get me to talk and I don’t feel like talking some days. Maybe I should cancel when I don’t feel like talking. I don’t know. It has me feeling bad. I feel like I am disappointing her. I just sent her a message asking her if she wants me to cancel therapy on days I don’t feel like talking. I told her this exhaustion has been consuming me so much all I want to do is sleep.

I have made an appointment with the pain psychologist for another session. I am meeting with her tomorrow. This should be interesting as I don’t feel like doing goals in my regular therapy sessions and here I am trying to do that with this person. I feel like it has disaster written all over it before I even begin.

Today is the 16th anniversary of the Sox winning the World Series for the first time in 86 years. The pitcher who won the game’s last out showed the video clip of the play. It felt so good to see it again. I can watch it several times and it will always bring tears and joy to my heart. It was such an awesome game. I remember watching it and thinking omg there is just one more out and the Sox will win. Then Renteria hit the ball back to Foulke and game over. I sat there watching the players clobber one another for at least five minutes before realizing they won. I was so shocked and awed. It was such a glorious series. Beating the Skankees was the best. Those long games that were torture but ended in victory. Sox Nation didn’t sleep well the entire series. Not until the final prize was won. And then we did celebrate with duck boats and parades.

In addition to feeling tired the past few days, I have also been feeling like my ears are blocked. I just get this pressure in my head and my right ear feels like this humming noise, like a motor running. I don’t have the ceiling fan going so I am not sure what the noise is. I have been thinking of making an appointment with my pcp to get checked out but I am not sure he is seeing patients or not. If I still feel this way by Thursday I will call the office and see what he is doing for patient care. I can have a virtual visit but that is kind of hard to see my ear canal to see what is going on.