Tag: mental illness

you deserve to be treated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You deserve to be treated

Those were the parting words of my therapist today after we talked about how my father said that I gotta die when I am sick. We deduced that he is flawed and not mental as she couldn’t know him. He died four years ago, long before she was my therapist. I know he was narcissistic and a pathological liar. I should have known he was lying but when your 11, you tend to believe your parents and what they say. You really don’t know if they are lying and even if they are, you can’t prove it. You were always told to respect your parents and that is what you did, no matter how wrong it seemed.

We also talked about my suicidality. She brought it up. I was going to but didn’t really want to. She asked what I was going to do if the feelings came up again over the weekend and I said I would cope like I usually do. That was the wrong answer as she shook her head. I don’t know why but apparently calling a hotline is the answer. I don’t think so but whatever. Sometimes it is good to call one but most of the time I just don’t have the patience to wait for someone to connect on the line. Even texting can be a pain as you wait for someone, especially during “peak” hours. Most of the time I get annoyed and then hang up or text cancel or stop. I am usually too agitated to stay on the line.

I had my meeting with my pcp. It went well but I didn’t ask for a pain med increase. It was on my mind but I was too chicken to ask. He asked a few times if there was anything I needed from him but I just couldn’t bring it up. He doesn’t want me to be on the meds to begin with and I find that it hinders my conversation about my meds. But the fact of the matter is I have pain and until that is dealt with on some level, I need to be on the meds that I am on. I can’t just stop taking it because he doesn’t want me on them. He does want me to go to the pain clinic for an evaluation, just to talk. But because of Covid, making an appointment is hard. I don’t know if I would be seen in a timely manner if at all at this point. I know once places reopen it might be better to call and ask for an appointment. Sucks because I got the ride now to take me there. I have it for another few months and then I will have to reapply for assistance. I don’t know if I will get a letter or not. I just need to be aware of the time frame. I only got six months because of my surgery. I don’t know if it will be longer when I reapply.

psych related day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Psych related day

I had therapy this morning. I woke up too late to have a chance to make tea or coffee. The session went okay. I told her of my suicidal plans and what was causing me to be suicidal. She kept on saying that there was something different and she wanted to know what that was. I had no clue what she was talking about. I didn’t feel different. She encouraged me to ask my pcp when I meet with him in seeing if there is something different we can try to alleviate my pain. I am nervous about meeting with him. I usually have a hard time asking for what I need. I might not ask just see where he is at and see where the conversation leads us. I know he is going to want me to see a pain clinic outside of Boston. He referred me there before but I wasn’t able to get there because of transportation issues. Now with Covid, I am not sure I will even get an appointment as a new patient.

In the afternoon, I met with my psychopharm. She felt bad that she isn’t able to do anything for me. Such a contrast with my therapist. She (psychopharm) was telling me I was resilient and inspiring. I don’t get that from my therapist at all. I don’t know why she doesn’t say those things.

After my appointment, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my steroids. I was hesitant to start it because it was so late in the day but I figure two doses is better than none. I might set the alarm for 3 or 4 am so I can take the third dose of the day and then start the day with new dose but we’ll see. I am not looking forward to disrupting my sleep.

I am having a hard time writing today. I just can’t seem to get with it. Just like therapy. Maybe there is a connection. I don’t know. I guess a little over 300 words is enough for today. I am in pain and I just can’t seem to ignore it. I hate when it bothers me so much.

hearing the rain come down

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hearing the rain come down

It is pouring rain right now and I have my window open listening to it. Such a soothing sound. I hope I don’t have to close my window. I guess if the wind shifts I might have to but right now I can keep it open. I turned off the music so I could listen to it. It’s not every day that you have rain come down like this.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds today. It was exhausting but I did it. This was before the rain had come down. It was nice out, just sprinkles of rain here and there, nothing like what is happening now. I am glad I missed the rain. I hate walking in the rain all wet. I called my neurosurgeon today but didn’t hear back from him. I guess he does want me to have another trial of steroids as he called it in to the pharmacy. I just got a text saying my prescription was ready. I will get it tomorrow after therapy.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. I am kind of nervous about it because I told my therapist she should be asking me about my suicidality. The gears have been turning again and I found myself planning so I let her know that she should be asking about my suicidality. She doesn’t ask, it just gives me more planning ideas. I already have the means to end it. I just need a date to do it.

As I am a lover of pens, there was an ad on facebook and Instagram on pens that were made using the barrels of whiskey. It could be Maker’s Mark, Jim Beam, or Jack Daniels. I chose Jack Daniels and got the pen engraved with my name on it. I figure if I am still here, for now, I might as well have something to commemorate it. So I bought the pen. It is my most expensive pen that I own but it was worth it. It writes well and has the kind of point I love in a ballpoint pen. The top is heavier than the bottom. I don’t like that aspect of it but I guess the mechanism is heavy. I really like this pen. It will not replace my other pens that I love but I will use it like I do when I am looking for something special to write.

I have two appointments tomorrow both are psych related. The first one is with my therapist and the second is with my psychopharm. My first double appointment day in some time. Later this week, I see my PCP. I am not looking forward to that appointment because I have to ask him for a med increase with my pain meds. I hate asking for things. I feel like I don’t deserve it. It was something my father had always said to me when I got sick. He didn’t want to buy the cough medicine or fever medicine so he would say I gotta die because it was my fault I got sick. Every time I got sick, he would tell me this until my mother begged him for money to get the medicine we needed to get better. He was really stingy when it came to money. He felt like it was all his and screw the money for medicine that we needed to survive the flu or cold we were suffering from. It was his joke. I realized then my father didn’t care for my life. As long as he had money in his pocket, that was all he cared about.

thoughts while reading

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thoughts while reading

I have been re-reading Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir of her bipolar illness. I read the part where she describes coming to terms with her need to take medication and how she lost a patient through suicide. I had highlighted the chapter, probably because I saw there was no point in keeping myself alive. I had always said I was to die by my own hand. I had come terribly close last December. I don’t know why I am still here.

Last night, after I ended my blog, I got the results of my MRI of the past week. It said that I had a large volume of fluid in my spinal canal. It also said that I had arachnoiditis, basically clumping of the cauda equina nerves. This occurred post operatively. I don’t know if this is going to go away. I know that it is a painful condition. I guess it is good that I already am on pain medication because without, I would probably be really hurting and be stuck without pain management. I am to see my primary next week. I want to ask him to increase my immediate release dose so that I am taking the same dose for extended release and for breakthrough. I don’t know if he is going to be open to it. I figure I don’t have much to lose by asking.

I had made some notes about the book on an index card I am using as a bookmark. There is a lot of stuff that is important to know if you read this book. One is that treatment of a mental illness is as good as the medication treating it. Lithium is very good for bipolar/manic depressive illness. I am finding that duloxetine finally is working for me for my depressive illness. I don’t have bipolar disorder. I have recurrent major depression and it has taken a lot of trial and error to find a medication that works for me. I currently take 50 mg and it seems to work. My symptoms are lower than they were though I am still in the severe range. It is just that I don’t always feel every symptom of depression every day. Some days I can feel it more than others so results will vary. But Jamison’s take on medication is something every patient goes through when they have to take medication for their illness. The struggle to stay on medication is real. You can’t change my mind on this. Everyone I have ever known struggles with being on medication, even more so with psych meds. The stigma that you should “fight” without it kills me. It is what keeps a lot of people in pain because they feel they shouldn’t be on medication for whatever reason, usually because they don’t want to feel “weak”. I call bullshit. You are far from weak if some pill will help you with your problem. Unless the medication you are using is the problem, that is a whole other can of beans.