Tag: mental illness

dumbass 674 word blog at 1 am

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Dumbass blog at 1 am

I cannot sleep even though I took some melatonin. Or I am fighting sleep because my ankle continues to be stabbed repeatedly in the same bloody spot that past 7 hours or so. I lost track. I am just disgruntled and want to fucking die but really am not sure what I plan to do is going to fucking work.

My bowels are backed up so I just took some Miralax. At 1 am. So I might have a bowel movement in maybe 12 hours from now, which will have me on the subway. I am brilliant, aren’t I???!!! I am so tired of keeping track of shit, literally and figuratively. I sent my therapist a text saying I won’t be seeing her tomorrow. But it’s still technically Sunday so that means today and the appointment is for Tuesday. My concussed brain fucked up. I am ready to give up on everything and just starve myself.

I posted some IG videos and pics today. I look like death hungover. Really, I look terrible and might take down the pics and video. I can’t believe I put them up to begin with. I am such an idiot sometimes. Ok, maybe all the fucking time.

I see the OT later today. I need to leave the house in about 9 hours. I am seeing her to talk about cathing. I am going to try and see if she can show me the best way to cath while lying down or sitting on the bed as that would be good on days I am in so much pain and don’t want to go downstairs because of causing more pain. I know eventually I will have to empty the container/urinal or whatever I use but the hope is not to be going to the bathroom when my pain is a 12+. She is very knowledgeable about spinal cord injuries and referred me to see someone that actually knows something about cauda equina syndrome AND CRPS! I am going to make an appointment with that doctor soon as I know what the hell is going on with my back and if I need surgery. Sucks I probably got to wait till next year to know as the holidays are up and I am sure the head honchos in radiology are on vacation. If I have to take the MRI again at the hospital where my surgeon is (MRI was taken at an affiliate hospital) then so be it. I don’t want to continue to lose function. I think my legs are starting to lose their stability as when I go downstairs, they shake. I have to go one step at a time or they just feel unstable but even then I have to hold on to the banister with two hands to make sure I am not going to fall. Hence another reason why I need to be taught to cath at the bedside. I will really be “set up” once I learn. I will have food (Ensure) and water so I really don’t need to leave my room except for appointments or something. HAHA OMG I have become an invalid or maybe I want that? I don’t know. I am just thinking of ways of staying off my damn fucking stupid ankle because standing hurts so damn much. Every time I stand up from bed, my ankle bones feel like they are being crushed.

I can’t stand this agony anymore. I really don’t know if I will go through with my idea tomorrow (today). I want to but I feel like a fucking chicken if I don’t try. I mean shit, I have been planning all fucking year and have not attempted. Came close a few times but did not attempt. I am starting to feel like such a loser for not trying. Just want to tempt fate a bit and see what happens. One day I will try it or maybe I will die in my sleep. What is wrong with that??

concussion and other shit going on

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Concussion and other shit going on

Yesterday morning I went to the ED as I had such a severe headache. I got it around 2pm and it got worse despite medication. By 3 am I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was up for 30 hours before I finally passed out. I was diagnosed with concussion and sent home with orders to brain rest. I had severe ankle pain today and decided that I am not going to be celebrating my birthday. I am in too much fucking pain and I am tired of being disabled.

I am supposed to see my therapist tomorrow. I guess after 5 months, I can call her “my” therapist. I was putting it off because I thought she would run from me by now. I like her so I am terrified she isn’t going to stay. People I like don’t tend to stay long when they work in public places. It’s like when your favorite coffee shop has that favorite pastry and then one day they no longer have it. It is sad.

I have the biggest headache the past few hours due to this damn concussion. I fell last Thursday, whacked my head off the cement sidewalk pretty damn hard it knocked my glasses off my face. This week it knocked my appetite out. I haven’t eaten too much the past week. I had a mocha and cookie today. It was 9 hours before I realized I haven’t peed. I am going to drain my bladder again before bed because I got a spasm while I was cathing a few hours ago. I hate this new life of mine and I don’t want it. I had zero urge to pee since this morning and even then I forced myself to pee. Kind of helped that I had to move my bowels. Got two things done at once. Then I showered. Only thing I didn’t do today was brush my teeth and my head hurts too much for that.

I saw my NP psychopharm today. She ordered some blood work I was supposed to get done today but decided to have done tomorrow morning. I thought she was going to order an Invega level but it isn’t on the paperwork. She wants a prolactin level, which I thought was weird. I am not having symptoms of galactorrhea. But whatever. She is also checking A1c level for diabetes. This will be like the 6th time this year I have had this test done. I am not worried about it as the level is near 5 which is normal. I think it needs to be greater than 6 to be in diabetes land.

I am tired but I wanted to let you guys know I am still around, least for now. I probably won’t be that much longer though. CRPS has won.

horrible Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Horrible Monday

I woke up around 0300. My arms felt like spaghetti and were very spastic. I wasn’t fully awake but as I haven’t eaten in 24 hours, I thought it was due to low blood sugar. I had some M&Ms and Gatorade. By 5 I was no better and realized it was side effects from the Invega so I took an Ativan. That didn’t work so I took 25 mg of diphenhydramine. I was sleepy and my mother had a freezer delivery today so I had to be up but my body was like fuck you after I took sedating drugs. I just wanted to sleep. I also wanted to shower but that wasn’t happening with delivery men coming to the house. I just could not get going. I finally forced myself to wash up at least. The cool water on my face helped. I then got dressed to go to my appointment.

The appointment was for my neurosurgeon to discuss the MRIs I had Saturday. It was more of me sitting in the waiting room for a half hour for the surgeon to come and tell me the radiologist didn’t do what he wanted so now has to play politics with the two hospitals and figure out how to see my spinal cord the way he wants to. So I don’t need surgery, yet. But I don’t think he liked the lumbar spine. Something the way he said it made it seem it was bad. I had taken a fall Thurs so maybe something shifted. I don’t expect to get a report of the MRIs until next week in the patient web thing. So frustrating. Then I had therapy.

I swear time was dilated the whole time I was with my therapist! It just seemed to inch along. I felt like I was there for more than 45 minutes but I wasn’t. We talked about the blog I sent her. She didn’t feel comfortable reading it through as it felt like she was invading my private thoughts even though it is for the world to see. I respect that she was respecting me that way. She just skimmed the blogs that I have sent her. She said that my writing it is a tool to cope. We came up with a plan. I get to talk about my abusive relationship with my 2nd ex. I think if I air it out some, I might feel better because she is taking a lot of head space and I don’t like it. Doesn’t also help that every fucking time I touch myself I think of her touching me that way and being abusive toward me. The therapist wants me to write about the fear. I have decided to keep a notebook about this kind of work than make it online. She also thinks I have a concussion. I played along with her on this until I was on my way home and my head exploded. I was sensitive to light and sound as well as had ringing in my ears. I had the worst headache and I still have it. I think going out today was a trigger. I am not doing anything tomorrow so I am just going to rest.

I came home and I was freezing. I just wanted to nap. I tried and couldn’t. My mother called me asking if I called the delivery place because the freezer was too big to carry up the stairs. They couldn’t get it around the bend in the stairway. So now I got to order another freezer. I just laid down and tried to rest. I haven’t eaten anything since Saturday. Yesterday I slept all day so didn’t eat. I wasn’t hungry. Today I should be starving but I am not. My foot is flared up so cooking is out. I am so frustrated by this. I know I probably shouldn’t be but I am. I hate that any activity I do lately has been causing me pain. I am so on the edge with suicidality.

Therapist and I agreed to meet twice a week until she is on vacation again. We are going to try it to see if it helps and also keep me accountable to the writing she wants me to do. I don’t have the mental space to write what she wants today. I am so tapped out and lethargic from not sleeping and the headache is making my concentration terrible.

nervous and overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Nervous and overwhelmed

I got a call from the neurosurgeon’s secretary today. MRI is scheduled for Saturday with a follow up appointment with surgeon for Monday. I am fucking nervous. I wasn’t expecting it to be this fast. The MRI will be done not at the hospital I go to but another affiliate hospital which is further in the heart of Boston. I have to take two trains to get there and walk a little bit. My back is going to be so sore after I just hope I can walk. The MRI is going to take a minute of an hour and laying on my back hurts just after 15 minutes. I always have back pain afterwards. I hate it. But I guess it is better to know now rather than later.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and fell. Slipped on the ice and whacked my head off the cement sidewalk. I feel so wonderful. Head is killing me but is getting better. I took some Tylenol. I didn’t pass out but damn was I stunned. Hit my head so hard my glasses came off. I didn’t realize it until I was walking toward the pharmacy. When I took a walk back I didn’t see them right away. I found them a few feet from where I had fallen. Because of the snow, I didn’t see them right away as the frames blended in. I am glad they didn’t break.

I started this earlier in the day and realized I never finished writing this. It is now past midnight. I am exhausted but the pain in my ankle and foot has gone astronomically high. I don’t think it is on a scale. I can’t take anymore meds though I just took an Ativan because I am ready to lose my fucking mind with this pain. I am so damn suicidal right now but I won’t do anything. I can’t do anything because 1) I am home and 2) I can’t fucking stand/walk to get to where I want to fucking be to end my life. The therapist is back next week. She supposedly will text me to see if I will continue seeing her or not. I sent her the blog that talked about the ambivalence I have with therapy. Depending on how things go Monday, I may not need therapy at all because I will just end things next week. I am supposed to see the psychopharm and that behavioral psychologist but I sort of canceled the psychologist because of the neurosurgeon’s appointment is close to it. I can’t reschedule the appointment with the neurosurgeon because he is taking time off in December so his schedule is either Monday or January. I can’t bear to wait till January to go over the results. I will be a fucking wreck. I could still make the appointment with the psychologist but I might be late depending on what time I get out of the neurosurg office. Last time the appointment was over an hour as we were discussing things and he was looking at my films trying to find out what was wrong with me so I don’t think giving myself a half hour to get to the psychologist’s appointment is a good idea. I left him a message to reschedule or have me be late.

My head is hurting again. I am really, really tired but I cannot sleep because of this intense pain that I am in with CRPS ankle and foot. I even put lidocaine on and that caused more pain. I think the application of the medicine is what triggered more pain but how else am I supposed to put it on? I got to touch the skin. I hate when a flare is this bad. I really don’t know when the fuck this flare is going to go away because it’s been a week now with the same level of pain. I know I need to slow down. I might reschedule my appointment tomorrow with the occupational therapist because I am so damn nervous about Saturday’s MRIs that I think it is just going to make the flare worse. I don’t think the fall I took helped and there is a lot of walking involved with the OT appointment. She is understanding about my pain so she won’t yell at me. I will try and do it the following week when I don’t have so much going on. I sent her an email explaining things that I am not ditching her, I just have things going on.