Tag: mental pain

A Tired Saturday Blog 06032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A tired Saturday Blog 06032021

I woke up at six with what I thought was my mother screaming out in pain. Turns out it was just a dream. My mother was safely sleeping in her bed when I came down to check on her and use the bathroom. I slept for an hour before I had to collect my stuff because the guys are doing the floor and stairs today. I won’t be in my room all day. It is going to be a long day. I wish I could go to a Starbucks and just sit there for the afternoon. Sucks the pandemic takes so much away from you.

I didn’t get a book. I don’t know what to read. I have so many books I can’t pick one. My right shoulder is tingly today. It worries me when it tingles. The PT says it is just muscle movement because of the severity of the knots. I have to do my exercises today. I forgot my heat wrap in my room so I won’t be able to get it. I will have to use some towels or something to make a heat pack.

I sent my therapist some tips on dealing with a suicidal person. I hope she reads it. It is important stuff. The thing that pisses me off is that she always wants to pass me off to some group when I am suicidal. I feel like she can’t handle me and it is not a good feeling. I feel like I am too much for her. I see her Mon and we will talk about this. I just hope she read one of my blogs that I sent her about the response plan. I think it is important.

I have been craving cool ranch dorito chips and I finally got them. It has been the only chips that I have eaten in a while. I usually don’t buy chips because they usually go stale by the time I finish the bag. I only eat a handful at a time and that is it. I didn’t buy a big back. Just a snack bag so that will be plenty. My sister made egg rolls and they were good. I think I will have tuna for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. Yesterday I had Filet o Fish for dinner. It was good. I love McD’s fish sandwich. My sister has some rye bread and celery so I will make the tuna downstairs. It will be a lot quieter than up here where the men are sanding my floors. I hope it isn’t going to be a two day project.

Baseball Spring Training has begun. My Sox are doing well but it is so hard watching them because my favorite players aren’t there anymore. I am very heartbroken that JBJ (Jackie Bradley Jr.) got signed with the Brewers in Milwaukie. There are only three players on the field that I know and like 3 pitchers. All the rest of the guys are new. My 3Bs are gone from the outfield. No more “Win, Dance, Repeat” shenanigans. I will miss my boys. I hope they do well where they are now. I am sure they will. They have great talent. A shame the Red Sox was too cheap to keep them.

pain, pain, and more pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pain, pain, and more pain

I have been severely depressed and in a lot of pain with my shoulder and neck the past few days. Yesterday I went to PT for some more dry needling. She checked my progress and I have improved a lot since first going to her but the pain and sleep have not gotten any better.

A psychiatrist I follow on Twitter told me about some Taylor Swift journals so I had to have them. I just got them today and they are purdy. I can’t wait to write in them. I am still writing in a Harry Potter journal. I haven’t been writing lately. Been so hard for me to write down my thoughts lately. I know it has been a while since I last blogged. I have been really struggling with the depression. Pain has been making the depression worse so it cycles. My therapist thinks that I am in my head too much. I don’t know what that means. I got to ask her when I see her Mon. We are going to do the CBT pain workbook together. I hope that this book will help me.

I emailed my neurosurgeon asking him if my weight restriction could be increased to 15 lbs. Right now I am not supposed to lift more than 5 lbs. He gave me the okay as long as I didn’t get a headache from doing so. I feel like I have made some progress. I still am deconditioned as I brought my groceries up the stairs by myself and got really winded. It took me like six trips because there was six bags. I only bought ten Gatorade. It wasn’t the flavor I wanted but that is ok. I will go to the grocery store tomorrow and get the flavor I like. It is supposed to snow tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes. There is supposed to be some good weather next week so hopefully I can go then if this weekend’s weather is shitty.

I am in so much pain in so many body parts it isn’t funny. Mostly the pain is on my left side. I want to cry. But the tears aren’t coming. It has been so hard to cry lately. I feel like I should, I probably would feel better but I just can’t seem to let myself. I feel like watching old baseball games or Sox highlights of the 2004 and 2007 games so I can cry. It will be the same release, except instead of sad tears they will be happy tears. I am such a wimp. I watched the 2007 series DVD and cried throughout it. I swear I went through a box of tissues.

I just tweeted to the psychiatrist that I got the new journals so now we are having a conversation about how to get another lyric printed. This is so fun. Another therapist friend had a predictive text for therapist and this is what mine said “my therapist told me I am not going to be in a relationship because of my favorite country artist”. HA HA. I love it. I can’t wait to show her on Monday.

more dry needling

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

More dry needling

This is my new stuffy, Jim. He is so soft. A dear friend gave him to me today. It made my day as my day hasn’t been so great as you read along…

I had PT today and more dry needling. The left side hurt like a mofo and still does. It is so sore but the right is tingling. I had to contact the PT to find out if this was normal or not. She said it was as long as it isn’t going down my arm. It isn’t. I am to alternate with ice and heat so am doing that now. It is already starting to feel better so I am glad I called her. She said it is because it is undertreated. I think I only had one area done instead of two and that is why the muscle is angry right now.

I had a good session with therapy. We talked about trauma and how things are with my sister. She gets me triggered which then can make my pain worse because CRPS is a brain condition. So I told her there was a book on managing chronic pain through CBT but I don’t understand some of what the book is trying to teach. She is getting the book so we can go over it. Shit got real. I had to agree to work on this in between sessions and now I am wondering what the fuck did I get into. She said skills is what I need and this is all skill shit.

For the thing I work on I told her I would go through the book and see what I could do. I am overwhelmed with pain right now and am having flashbacks about shit that happened years ago. I am literally terrified that my sister is going to come barging into my room any moment just to scare the daylights out of me. I know rationally she isn’t going to but the fear is there. I am so anxious and it is just worsening my neck pain.

I am supposed to drink a lot of water after the dry needling but I have a love/hate relationship with water. So I just drank a whole 32 oz bottle of Gatorade. I just took my night meds so I hope the Ativan helps some of the tension I am feeling with the PTSD stuff. I am so tired but still kind of fearful. I have been texting my friend about what is going on and it has helped as well as writing it out. I did text my therapist but I don’t think I will hear back from her. It’s too late. Maybe tomorrow.

Saturday Blog 06022021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 06022021

Listening to the top 25 country countdown on the radio. My favorite DJ is counting down the hits. I haven’t heard the radio in so long. I just had breakfast. I weighed myself this morning and I am down another 3 lbs. I can comfortably fit into a size 38 pants. I have mixed feelings about this. I am happy I am losing but at the same time I feel like I am not holding up the ideals of what my father drilled into me when I was growing up, that I was fat.

I got to head to the grocery store today. I need to get some coffee. I am running low. I am going to get Starbucks House Blend. That seems to be my favorite coffee right now. I am not sure which store I want to go to. I might go to the big store so they might have the larger count of coffee. I don’t have energy to go right now but I plan on going around noon time.

I’m going to try and clear my bed so I can change the sheets today. I am so behind on doing it. It is so hard to get the energy to do it because I don’t really know where to put the stuff. It just ends up on the floor.

I just came back from food shopping and man it was crowded. People were wearing masks and trying to distance from one another. They didn’t have a large count of my house blend coffee. They had the breakfast blend and the pike but not house. I just bought two packages of the 10 ct of it. I also found brown bread so I bought that. I haven’t had it in a long time. My glasses kept falling off my face when I looked down and were fogging up so it was hard to see.

My binder came today. I wore it while I was out to get used to it. I was sweating so much from it. I hated the sweating part. I wore a light sweatshirt, too. It fit ok but I don’t like the clasps. It is like a bra but it is better than a zipper or Velcro.

I ordered Wendy’s because I wanted their chicken sandwich and chili. I haven’t had it in a long time. I haven’t eaten today other than a bowl of cereal this morning. I need to put more heat on my shoulder and neck. It is starting to flare up again. Carrying up 10 bottles of Gatorade didn’t help me. The UberEats driver is making a delivery before mine so my food is going to be cold by the time he gets here. I am not happy!

I am feeling depressed today. I am listening to my country mix playlist. I haven’t listened to it in a long while. I am so tired and I am hangry because my food isn’t here yet. Will be a half hour or so before it gets here. Wonder if there are Cheez its in the cabinet? I am hungry dammit.