Tag: psychache

The 3 AM Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The 3 AM blog

I just finished having pumpkin pie. It is one of my favorite pies at Thanksgiving. I had a good Thanksgiving, or what I like to call, Turkey Day. I spent it with friends who live south of Boston. It was a very good time, good food, and good laughs. My friend’s husband picked us up and drove us home so that was really nice of them. No public transportation. Around 1830 yesterday, my ankle started to act up and unfortunately, flared up by the time I got home. It is still hurting me as the pain is down to the bones and there is a storm coming this weekend. We are supposed to get wintery stuff. Last I checked, the weathermen didn’t know if it was going to be snow or rain. I haven’t looked to see what they decided. It is supposed to end sometime Monday morning. I need to know whether or not it is going to be icy as I have an appointment that morning with urology. I need to make the appointment because my bladder is still giving me problems. I keep having spasms while cathing. I sent my urologist a message last night and she said to stop one of the medications I am on as it causes spasms. So now I am down to two urinary meds. She wants me to switch to another medication but she wanted me to get the price for it first. She gave me a website to see how much it would cost but I told her, right now I don’t pay anything. In January, I will and generics will be $10-$20, $50-$70 for brand name. I haven’t heard back so maybe Monday she will decide what to do.

The pain levels have been unheard of. Pain kept on going from a 14 to a 16, down to a 12 then back up to a 14 after movement of some sort. At one point I was crying because I was just hurting so damn much. I really wanted to die. I ordered some stuff and it will arrive next week. Tuesday I have the neurosurg appointment and will decide whether or not to stay then depending on what the doctor has to say.

The therapist had said that she has a lot of time saved up that she has to use before it gets lost. So I might not be seeing her as much this month as she needs to take time off. I find this kind of weird as she has only been with the hospital for 3 years. You typically don’t get that much earned time during the first few years you start working. It gets more the longer you stay but not until after the 5 year vested pin has been issued. It just seems weird, unless she was working in another department in the hospital and just 3 years in the department she is now. That would make more sense. It kind of messes up my plans on whether or not to stay in therapy if I am not going to see her that much. Maybe seeing her less will be better for a while and then when she is back to working more regularly, we can then work on some things, like a specific trauma. I would like to talk more about the abuse that happened with my mother and the rape that I have never spoken about. She has pointed out to me several times that she doesn’t know my background on things so it is a fresh relationship. I told her about the second relationship I had and not the first. I will get around to it one day.

feeling hurt and exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling hurt and exhausted

I’m going through a little (or maybe a lot) of gender dysphoria right now. Yesterday at the occupational therapy appointment, the therapist asked if I was going to have bottom surgery. Why the fuck do they need to know these things if this is NOT the reason I am seeing them!?!? If I was thinking or had it done, don’t you think it would be in my fucking record??? I am getting so pissed at handling this and then she said that there are a few doctors that work with women with spinal injuries. I went from being a male to a female in one fucking sentence. I am feeling so suicidal about this. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital where my care is at. It just hurts too much to be exposed this way.

This might sound sad but seeing as my therapist doesn’t want me to text her mundane things, I have decided to send those things to my alternative phone. This way I still get whatever I need to get out and there is no repercussions of whatever it is I say. I won’t be sharing this information with my therapist. There is no point in letting her know how pathetic I am.

Ankle/foot pain exploded about a half hour ago. Pain is a 14 right now and all I can think about is death. I emptied my bladder so I shouldn’t have to pee any time soon. I hope so anyway and as much as I want to drink right now because damn mouth is dry, I am not going to. I am sucking on lemonheads candy. Probably not a good idea it being right before bed but I don’t care. Sour taste can distract from pain so I am going to use it.

Next week I got appointments for the behavioral therapist, the NP psychopharm, my therapist, and the OT. Tues I see my therapist and then I won’t see her for two weeks. I get a break from her. She is out for the holiday and then she is leaving the country for a week. Totally messed up my plans. The day I see her when she is back is the day I wanted to end therapy or at least have a better idea about it. I am hoping to end things before my next birthday. I really don’t want to be a year older. It’s weird that I feel like I am twelve yet I also feel like I have the body of an 80 year old. Just feel like things would be better if I were dead.

I got an app thing where I can send texts now from my laptop. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that. I am such a geek.

You are king so go into the light…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You are king so go into the light…

These are the words the voices have been telling me since Tues. I haven’t had commanding voices that were severe until tonight. I contacted a couple of friends and they helped me to get through until the medication kicked in. It has been a week that the voices started. This never bodes well. I know it is because of the stress of the death of my aunt and going to the wake and funeral. My family is very loving so it wasn’t like I was awkward or anything. I just didn’t want to say goodbye to my aunt. It hurts so bad having her gone. But she has been gone longer than her physical body ceased to exist. Parkinson’s dementia made her into a shell of a person that just became silent and I think that was when we really lost her. I feel so bad for my cousins who watched her deteriorate. It must have been so painful and I really hate that this disease not only affected my aunt, but her son and his family.

I seem to have caught the family crud that has been making its rounds to all the family members. I am congested. I took a mega dose of vitamin D and will take another tomorrow to ward off the virus. I had my flu shot so I hope I don’t get a strain that is not in the vaccine. I honestly haven’t been really sick since 2008 when I got double pneumonia. God I was ill for a month and took forever to get my strength back.

Beginning of Dec I have a lot of appointments. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist that was assigned to me when my psych left. If the NP does not give me my Ativan, the way I take it and a 30 day supply, I will go back to him. I am tired of this “discussion” where it is only her points she wants me to see not mine. And I don’t think it is a good idea to mess up someone’s med regimen because of long-term effects. I just cannot tolerate this. I see the NP Monday and I will calmly explain that I understand her concerns but I do not care about the effects.

I hadn’t peed in six hours so I cathed and as I was doing so, it was a long void. I was trying so hard not to clamp off the catheter but a spasm occurred and urine flow stopped. Now I have to try again so I don’t wake up before 6 am. I am going to try in about a half hour or when I am finished with this blog, whichever comes first. I really hate that this is my life now. That I will be having to catharize myself forever now or end up in the emergency room because I don’t have the urge to pee. I feel so humiliated. Just increases the suicidality. I found out today at the OT appt that this is nerve damage. I thought it might be due to medication but she said not according to the urodynamic study. I feel really sad about this. It’s just another nail in my coffin. I can’t take my back constantly being broken down and worrying about facing surgery all the time.

Monday I am supposed to talk with a behavioral med psychologist. I hope it isn’t because my “team” told him I was not compliant with my care, meaning not taking my medication or skipping appointments, etc. I go to mostly all of my appointments except if there is good reason not to, like feeling sick or being in pain. I just am having a major problem with the urine thing because it just screams at me that I am disabled where before I knew I was but I really didn’t want to face it. Now it is staring at me in the face and I can’t deal. The depression is making me feel like I would be better off dead. And now the voices I should just take a bottle of pills so I can be king to go into the light. I have already decided I am going to end my life before my next birthday. It is just a matter of time and a few weeks away. I just hope I don’t end up back in the hospital when I see the NP next week. I don’t know if she will think going into the hospital will be a good idea and I hope she doesn’t because it is NOT a good idea, especially before a holiday. Just really bad to go into the hospital around a holiday.

midnight ponderings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Midnight ponderings

Tuesday night was very difficult for me. I was in a lot of pain and processing stuff that went on in my appointment with the urologist. I was feeling pretty depressed that self-cath is now present in my life and will continue to be for some time. Then I got into an argument with my family that night and my mood went from sour to suicidal quick. I planned on taking my life after I saw my therapist today. I brought the stuff with me as well as getting some stuff ready in case it didn’t work and I was put in the hospital. I packed a light bag and left for the bus stop.

I am not a morning person. I just remember traveling on the bus and then picking up my coffee with a little time to kill before I had to board the train to get to the therapist’s office. I was not all present while meeting with the therapist. I kept zoning out, partly because I was so suicidal. She asked me if I was going to act on it and I must have indicated that I was. Then she asked, twice, if I had ginger on me. Things at that point became fuzzy. I know I went into my bag to get the ginger to give it to her and then everything else was sort of a blur. She said that I would have to be evaluated and be inpatient. She had to call security to take me to the ED as she didn’t think she could trust me. We talked about baseball while we waited. I have no idea why I told her I was going to end my life and that I had the stuff with me to do it. I honestly am so fucking mad at myself for doing something so stupid.

The ED didn’t think I had enough intent to be inpatient so they offered partial hospital which I am supposed to start in six hours. Guess what, it isn’t going to happen. I would have to leave my hour in about four hours to get to where I needed to be. I honestly have no idea how to get there by T. I am just going to skip the appointment and hope that police don’t show up at my door. Therapist will be mad but I don’t care. I left the ED after five hours. I hope to god it is my last visit there this year. I hate the ED.

Soon after I left, my psych emailed me asking if I was ok. I thought that was odd. I answered it right away without thinking. I never got a response. I just sent her an email a couple of hours ago telling her I have another bladder infection and this time I am not taking the antibiotics. I am already feeling crappy physically. I know it is only going to get worse. My blood count is up from the last time I had my CBC drawn. It is only going to be a matter of time before the infection hits my blood stream. I am banking on this and it causes me to die.

The NP psychopharm I see foolishly put that I have borderline personality disorder as my “issue”. I don’t meet the criteria so I have no idea what she is basing this on. If she is basing it on past history, I still have no idea how that is relevant today! Just pisses me off because once those things are there, they cannot be removed. Just like the “female to male transgender person” “issue”. I don’t have an issue being FTM and I honestly still have no idea why the fuck the computer system would put that on. It just makes me so damn mad.

When I came home, my ankle exploded. It kind of went off a little bit while in the ED but soon as my foot was resting, it exploded and I have been in pain since. I have tried different meds and now it is just a waiting game as to when exhaustion will hit and I will collapse. I took the “substitute” anxiety pill so I will be knocked out the next few days, just on one fucking pill. I take this med sparingly because I don’t like it at all. I meant to tell her today about it but I forgot. The NP came by the ED to talk to me. She thinks I am seeing her next week but it is the week after. I can’t see her next week and I sure as hell am not seeing the therapist. I am mad as hell at her for wasting my time in the ED.

I need to shower sometime later today. I sweat so much yesterday it wasn’t funny. I was drenched. It was fairly warm and I was over dressed. My hair feels so yucky and the NP that told me I had a bladder infection wants me to take a shower after every bowel movement. In a perfect world, that might be doable but for someone with chronic pain, it is very exhausting. I haven’t showered since the weekend, so almost a week now. I just can’t motivate myself enough to do it. The therapist changed my diagnosis to recurrent major depression with psychotic features. I was thinking it was treatment resistant depression. The psych NP has persistent depressive disorder, which I didn’t even know existed. Either case, I am depressed. I am not bipolar anymore or maybe I never was.

Over the weekend, I sent my psych a pic of me smirking because I felt “devilish”. I told her I had met my aunt and said how she was doing as she is not going to be around much longer. She stopped eating two weeks ago so her time here is coming to an end. I am sad about this. I also gave a description about how my care has been going in her (my psych’s) absence. My psych responded that I wrote elegant and eloquent. And this is why I miss her so much. She values my writing where the other two women in my team do not. They don’t even see my writing as a tool to help me get better. And you know why they don’t know of this? Because they don’t ask! Maybe I did tell them I am a blogger but they don’t want me to do solitary things. Writing is solitary; you can’t get it done otherwise. But it is meant to be shared. And that is what brings me joy, or used to anyways. I am fighting the urge not to write as I am typing this because I think my words have no meaning anymore. A few of my readers have “fact checked” that for me and it is false. I have to try and keep this voice going as much as it is paining me right now because if I don’t, I fear I will lose myself in a way that I am not sure I can ever come back from. I have comeback from so many things. I am not sure I can come back if I get away from my writing. It is so very important to me even if I story tell about my day and how it went down. I think it is boring but maybe someone else finds it interesting. I don’t know. I want to thank YOU my readers for not allowing me to stop my writing. I now right now it is infrequent but I am working on changing that Because of YOU. You mean a lot to me because without you, there would be no blog. So thank you. I hope you are sleeping as it is almost 0300 EST. Take care until we meet again.