Tag: psychache

Feeling grief over instability and the unknown

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grief over instability and the unknown

It has been 12 years since I was on the mood stabilizer Trileptal. It has been one of the best drugs that I had been on. I was no longer having a roller coaster of emotions. It helped my psychache, to a degree. It helped the deep dark depressions that I had. Now I need to be switching to a new medication and face the unknown as to whether or not it will work for me. The Trileptal also helped with nerve pain. I don’t know if this new mood stabilizer will do that, too. I feel sad that this drug will be gone once I reach a dose my psychiatrist feels comfortable with. This all happened because my blood sodium levels dropped and I felt like shit. I was sleeping all the time. I couldn’t do things without having to take a nap afterwards. It was awful. I am used to feeling tired after doing something because chronic pain takes a lot out of you. You need recovery time after doctors appointments or doing the laundry or hanging out with friends or even just doing self-care like brushing your teeth and showering.

I am feeling sad that I am no longer on this medication. I am scared of what the new medication might bring. What side effects will I have? My psych said there is a risk of developing a rash like Tegretol. That was horrible! But that is the reason we start slow with this drug so it doesn’t happen. I hope it doesn’t happen because I don’t like hives. I am allergic to two medications for rash, both were tried for mood stability. I am already slightly hypomanic. I am trying my best not to spend my last few dollars to pay for my meds tomorrow. I kind of got into a spending mood when I got paid, which is kind of unusual for me as I just pay my bills and then might buy one or two things that are necessities. This time I was buying refills for pens and other stuff that I don’t even know what I bought. I bought my revised book so I could have copies of them. I still don’t now what to do with the other copies that are the 1st edition. I tried entering an author’s blurb again and could not fucking do it. GRRRR. I should have changed the layout but the hell with it. It is published and that is all that matters.

I shaved my head this morning and then showered. I used my Neutrogena shower gel that has a nice scent to it. I didn’t feel like using soap. But I think lifting my arm to wash aggravated the nerve I annoyed this morning so it is hurting me again. I hope it is gone by tomorrow. I might sleep on my left side tonight and hope my leg doesn’t wake me up. Sometimes when I sleep on that side, the pressure of my other leg on top of it hurts it and I wake up in pain. So I sleep primarily on my right side. If I am still in pain tomorrow, I will dust off the body pillow and use it to annoy me. HAHA no, I’m kidding. I will have a better sleep with it despite it taking up the bed. Oh well. I am going to sleep now, or trying to!

Psychache scale

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

hello,

I am probably breaking the rules but this is my version of the Holden psychache scale that he used in this paper Development and preliminary validation of a scale of psychache.
By Holden, Ronald R.,Mehta, Karishma,Cunningham, E. Jane,McLeod, Lindsay D.
Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement, Vol 33(4), Oct 2001, 224-232

I modified it from the original to suit my needs. You can get the original scale by getting the article. Here is also a blog I wrote on the research article (click here)

PS blank

Christmas Day 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Day 2018

I had a difficult morning/early afternoon. I didn’t sleep well as I was sick and kept waking up more than a few times during the night. My alarm went off for my meds and it took me at least 45 minutes to take them because I didn’t want to get up. I was just feeling horrible. My throat felt fine but I had no voice. I tried voicing something in my room but no sound came out. I canceled therapy for tomorrow. Talking to my hard of hearing mother was a joke. If one word came out she thought I was joking that I couldn’t talk and then called me a liar. I had to walk away from her, with my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t give her the finger. Dinner was taking forever because our oven was not working right. She made a cake yesterday and it came out fine so therefore nothing was wrong with the oven. My niece tried to make the ham and the oven temp was half what it should be. She is impossible!!

I went downstairs to get away from her. I really wish I was well so I could have escaped to my friend’s house. I just thought it out. My friend was going to pick me up around 130 and I would just leave and then when they called looking for me, I’d say oh, yea, my friend invited me to dinner see ya! But this damn cold prevented that from happening. UGH!! All in all, it was a good day until my ankle bone exploded and then was hammered. I wanted a shot of whiskey so I hunted my room for a shot glass and in the process found a couple of things that I had misplaced. I put them where I would remember them and then went to my night stand to get a shot glass where I found one with dust bunnies. I cleaned the glass and had half a shot. Still smooth and sweet. I could finish it off but not sure that would be wise with pain meds.

A dear friend came over to give me a gift. Before he left, we had a half shot. I so wanted another and another. This is why I don’t drink because I can binge drink when I can, especially if I like something. I think beer is probably the only thing I cannot binge. I still feel crummy but maybe the whisky will help the vocals and I will have a voice tomorrow.

I had a TG experience tonight. I told my bro in law’s mother that my name is G. My mother was sitting next to her and told her that she refuses to call me that because for 40 years she called me my birthname and she is not going to start calling me G. She used female pronouns referring to me. I hate this woman so much. She does not give a damn about me. I am so tired of her not looking at me as her son. I said something about this the other day as I called from my second phone and she didn’t recognize the number. She asked who it was and I said your son. She was so confused. And now this. I don’t get why she is like this. You can say it is the generation bullshit but I was always under the assumption that a parent was to unconditionally love their child. There seems here there are conditions to her love and I don’t like it at all.

Book gone live and other Monday things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Book gone live and other Monday things

I have no idea how many hours of sleep I got. I had a rough night plagued with suicidal thoughts, deep depression, physical and emotional pain, and restlessness. I know it was probably dawn when I fell asleep and then my alarm went off. I was so rushed because I had about a half hour to get ready before the bus came. I forgot to take my morning meds. I ended up taking the Trileptal when I got home from therapy.

I didn’t have that much funds so it was just a reward drink I got. I wasn’t hungry and I forgot to bring a pop tart with me in my haste. Wed I hope to have more time as I don’t have to leave early as I won’t be going to Starbucks. I will just have coffee at home before leaving. Therapy went okay. We talked about how my bladder is stubborn, my losing weight from loss of appetite, and editing my second book and then re-publishing it. OMG what a fucking hassle that was. Createspace joined Kindle so they are the same right now. And the stupid thing format was worse than Createspace. I couldn’t add a blurb about the author. I had to redo the thing to get the damn back cover blurb changed. Then I forgot to order a proof, which I am so mad at. I had hit click too fast. Amazon at least gave you the option before the final click! Then I check the website and my book is discounted by $15! WTF. I couldn’t believe it. And only 1 is in stock, which is bullshit because they print them as they are ordered.

On the way home from therapy, I went to the grocery store to use the last of my food stamps for some steak and coffee. I really like the iced coffee. No mess, just pour and serve. Easy. My mother is sick. I have no idea where she got it from as she has been home the last few days, unless she got it from her sister, I don’t know. I just hope I don’t get it. I made myself a steak and cheese sandwich and then what my mother wanted for dinner. I then went upstairs and rested and all hell broke loose. My foot yelled at me and my back was crying. I wanted another sandwich, though. I waited for the pain meds to kick in and when they did, I went downstairs. I gave my mother some cough drops and then made the sandwich. I didn’t use as much pepper this time. I feel a little better now that I have some decent food in me. I have enough steak for 2 more sandwiches. My mother doesn’t like steak so it is all mine!

I got to order more copies of the new edit next week when I get paid. My friend in Canada wants one and I think I am going to recycle the ones I have. I will just order about 6 copies as they aren’t flying off the shelves anyway. I don’t think I have posted to Facebook yet. I got to check my page. Sometimes I post things twice because I forget I posted. Or I think I posted but it was really on Twitter.