Tag: psychological pain

validation and connectedness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

val·i·date

/ˈvæl ɪˌdeɪt/ Show Spelled [val-i-deyt] Show IPA

verb (used with object), val·i·dat·ed, val·i·dat·ing.

1. to make valid; substantiate; confirm: Time validated our suspicions.

2.to give legal force to; legalize.

3.to give official sanction, confirmation, or approval to, as elected officials, election procedures, documents, etc.: to validate a passport.   

Taken from dictionary.com

 

This is the long version of what it means to be validated. That is what every suicidal person wants. To have that understanding and human connectedness of being validated, that they are not crazy or being patronized but what they are feeling. Without this essential human feeling, we feel we are being criticized and judged no matter how much sympathy or empathy is shown.

I recently posted a couple of vents about mental illness on my blog. I was looking for validation in what I was saying. And someone, a good friend of mine, gave me that, because she feels the same way I do about how damned the mentally ill can feel. To be validated in this sense is that she understood where I was coming from. She didn’t horseshit around the topic to try and make me feel better. She went on her own tyrant of feelings about the subject and that made me feel better.

But the best comment I got today was from a fellow blogger who thanked me for continuing to live because it gave him or her hope to do the same. That is why I write this blog. That is why I try to make this blog as painful as I feel it because I know someone out there is going to read it and feel the same way. And in that sense, he or she will hopefully feel connected to the world and want to stay in it long enough to do whatever.

venting about mental illness and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental illness, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Spent most of the day today watching my seven year old niece. She was playing on her computer while I was playing on mine. After I finished my games, I decided to read this new book I downloaded for research purposed, why do people have to die by suicide by Thomas Joiner, PhD. It is a good book so far and I find it stimulating. I have been taking notes which I probably will end up writing into a paper that I am working on.

I recently read an article about a mother who’s son has severe mental illness and behavior issues. Three days before the shoot out in CT, this mother had her son committed because he told her he was going to kill himself. The value of the message was to understand serious mental illness though I do not how much more serious mental illness can be. You have something that is mentally unstable. I have a serious mental illness that wants me to claim my life. I hear voices that taunt everything I do but I have never been violent towards another person and god help me, hope I never will. I just want to kill myself because I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I don’t blame my parents or my siblings for the way I turned out. It just happens to be who I am, I may not accept it but it is who I am. I know that some day I will ultimately end my life by my own hand. I know because I think about it every day. But I will NOT take another person’s life other than my own. Do I need to have a lifetime commitment because I am so suicidal? Probably but insurance companies don’t see it that way. As long as you are not in “imminent” danger to harm yourself or others, you cannot be allowed to stay in the hospital for more than a few days time, against your will. I have been there many times and even though I have chronic suicidality, I have never been kept beyond the three days or two weeks because of my suicidality. I might have been kept because the voices were telling me to harm myself, but never because I said I was suicidal after the three days. The mental health system is wrong and should be address these issues I am stating. Because maybe a longer admission is what I need to get better. I have intense psychotherapy with my therapist twice sometimes three times a week and still feel suicidal. I have been on every drug used for psychiatry and yet I still feel suicidal. How am I to live my life when I want to end it so much? How am I supposed to work and go to school when thinking about my death is all that matters to me? No hospital can change it. No psychiatrist can and no psychotherapist can. So the blame then gets shifted on to me. It’s my fault for not “wanting” to get better, that my negative attitude/emotions are what is causing me to be suicidal. If I change my attitude, I will be happier. It’s all bullshit. It’s not my fault being this way anymore than it’s a dying person with cancer fault because they have cancer. And believe me, I would much rather trade places with them because I know they are going to die while this “emotional cancer” is eating me alive and no one can see it. And no one wants to help me either. I can only save myself if I want to. Well, I give up. I don’t want to anymore. What purpose will living my life that I know is only going to end up six feet under. I have thought about cremation but the cost is the same. I thought about buying my own plot somewhere but I really don’t care what my family does with my remains. They are of no use to me anymore. So I am giving myself some time before I do it. And hopefully within this time frame things will change. Because if they don’t I am dead and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

physical pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Physical pain and suicide

 

Past two weeks I have had two episodes of really bad physical pain that had me in tears and wanting to end my life. I didn’t do anything to spark this pain, such as dropping a brick on my foot or stubbing my toe. The pain went deeper than that. And despite taking pain medication, I still was in agony. People think that all you have to do is take a pill to make pain go away and most times it works. But what do you do when you have a condition that doesn’t allow for that?

I have what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, CRPS for short, in my left foot. I got it because of another long name diagnosis called Cauda Equina Syndrome, CES for short. I got this former condition as a result of a ruptured disc when I was twenty-five. I didn’t know that it would result in the CRPS until now. Since I was twenty-five, I never learned how to walk correctly and pulled muscles that were not meant for walking. Because of this overuse, I developed CRPS after eleven years of dealing with CES. I have been suffering with CRPS for the past 2 years and it sucks. Every pain flare up feels like it is going to last forever. I am on disability because I can no longer work as a lab assistant. I can’t walk long distances, or stand too long on my feet, which working in the lab you do all the time. You are constantly getting up and down going to the different areas of the lab for the different testing that we do.

The pain started after I sprained my ankle on some ice in the winter of 2011. I went to several different doctors but no one could tell me what was wrong. All the x-rays, MRI’s, and physical condition of my ankle were normal except for some minor swelling near my peroneous muscles and tendons. It is when these get really swollen that I am in agony. As I am typing this, my foot feels really cold, like it is soaking in ice water. But to the touch, it is warm. I have a sock on it to prevent it from cramping. I have to protect my foot at all times from the cold to prevent cramps that are eye popping and then my foot becomes really sore. I don’t have any physical discoloration like typical CRPS. I think if I did I would have an easier diagnosis.

This pain drives me to suicidal crises every single time it flares up. The last time this happened was last week. I didn’t do anything, but I really wanted to die. I am almost out of my pain pills as I have been gobbling them up like candy to try and take control of my pain. I see my PCP next week to get something for flare ups. If he doesn’t do anything for me then I am afraid that things do not look good for me, at least mentally. I wrote a letter to my psychiatrist when I had this pain flare up. She understands the only time lately I become suicidal is when my physical pain becomes unbearable. And my pain is never during normal business hours. It is during the after hours, wee hours of the morning. I can be up all night because of pain. And no matter what I take, once it starts it seems never ending until exhaustion comes into play and I get some relief. Only then do I become a “different person mentally.” The events of the night before seem remote, like they happened to someone else. I guess you can say I dissociate from the pain and what is killing me.

Pain flare ups are hard to predict. Sometimes they come up when I do too much. Making cookies one time caused a flare up. Washing dishes will cause another. Standing more than a half hour for the bus will cause another. I never know what to do when I feel the pain coming on. My first instinct is to pop a pill and try and relax. After a bit I will take a muscle relaxer to prevent anxiety and spasms/cramps. Sometimes this will work, sometimes it won’t. It’s when it won’t that the suicidal self goes into play and all I can think about is death. I often play my fantasy of what the doctor will say if he doesn’t give me pain medication. That truly terrifies me. I often come up with me telling him to sign my death certificate, because that is what will happen. I can’t live with this level of pain every day. Right now it is not so bad. I have restarted another mood stabilizer and it seems to be helping but I still feel I need a longer acting medication that I can use for flare ups and to get me to sleep better. Because without the benefit of sleep, nothing is worth a dime.

grumpy today

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Still in a grumpy mood. My Pdoc has not called back yet and I don’t think she will. Today is Taylor’s birthday, which means in ten days, it will be mine. I am depressed and don’t know why. I restarted the trileptal, taking 300 mg at night and tomorrow I’ll start taking it in the morning and night. I hate doing this on my own but my doc trusts me and like I said she hasn’t called back yet or returned my email.

Got out of the house today to get some coffee. I am worried that if I didn’t I’d get a blood clot in my leg from inactivity. I’m drinking a Panama. It’s stronger than the Hawaiian and Blue Java I usually have. If I complete this writing project, I think I will buy the Hawaiian Ka’u rather than get my ring fixed.

My sisters have been asking me what I want for my birthday and Christmas. Every year for the past several, I have no idea. I had wanted the Nebraska and Ohio State hoodies but it doesn’t look like they will be getting me those. Other than that I really don’t know what I want except for my key lime cake, that I will be making.

I don’t know why I am so grumpy. I just woke up the other day like that and it has continued. I think it is because I haven’t been sleeping the past week. I woke up today with blurry vision in my left eye. It has now resolved. I can’t wait to see the neuro-opt guy next week. Next week is going to be busy because I see my pdoc Monday, therapist Tues and Wednesday, PCP Wednesday, and then the neuro-opt Thursday.

I changed all the ringtones for the different email accounts that I have. Now when one of them goes off I don’t know which account it is. Brilliant isn’t it? I am sure I will get used to the tone once more of them come in. I was tired of it all being the same ringtone. I never knew which account it was.

MG wants to renew tis writing project of ours. I am not sure I want to do it. Don’t get me wrong it has been fun and all but I just don’t know if I can write something every single day. I know I journal and all, but my blogging is different. I like that to have some meaning and lately I feel that it is just a picture of what my daily life is like than a specific topic or something else. I haven’t responded to her email yet; I just need time to think about it.

I just go dressed today, didn’t shower or brush my teeth. I just couldn’t be bothered. I have been meaning to at least brush my teeth but I just can’t muster enough energy to. I hate that everything I do takes so much out of me. I just want to die because there is no way I can handle being “old”.

I’m never getting a Panama again unless it’s iced. It tastes different hot. It’s making me nauseous but I don’t want another drink because the bus is on its way soon.

I had a bagel and candy bar for breakfast. That is all I have had the mood for eating today.

addmendum: Pdoc never called me back because she never got my page. I just got an email from her now.