I saw my cousin today. She gave me a rollator walker and I gave her some eye drops. It was so good seeing her but so hard not to give her a hug! We socially distanced and wore masks. We made sure to do so because we didn’t want to infect one another in case one of us got it. This virus sucks! I hate it. I miss my cousins so much.
I didn’t go to partial today. I needed to sleep because I was up all night again after I had to pee around 0130. It took me several hours to get back to sleep. I wasn’t in pain I just couldn’t sleep. My mind kept wandering. I felt like blogging but knew if I got on the laptop I would be up all night. Luckily I was asleep by 4. I had already emailed the coordinator of the program I wouldn’t be in today. I got an email from one of them about LGBTQ friendly therapists. I am thinking of changing therapists. I don’t think the therapist I am seeing is right for me anymore. She is good but too good for me. I don’t think I can stand her being such a pusher for DBT.
Yesterday was quite the circus when I had therapy. My sister said I couldn’t use her bedroom so I was in her kitchen which was little to no privacy. I couldn’t talk about what I wanted to talk about so we talked about the Sox for a bit. It was a little chaotic trying to talk to her as my sister was coordinating a move of furniture and she was ordering me to do stuff. It was not how I planned therapy. I almost cried I was so distraught.
I’ve been deeply depressed for most of the day today. I just have been in pain with my shoulders. My right shoulder is now having pain. I hope PT can do both of them but I am not sure. I am going to give dry needling a try. It is supposed to be uncomfortable but from what I read in the material the PT gave me is the best option for my condition. It might be faster than regular therapy. I just know it sucks being in pain every day with this.
I have a zoom call with my cousins tonight. Should be fun. I always enjoy talking with them. These are my cousins from my father’s side of the family. There are about 9 of us total so it is a good group. I love and miss them so much. I can’t wait till covid is done with so we can meet in person again. It really sucks not seeing family members. I am lucky that I live with my mother and I know others can’t see their parents right now. I feel for them. I really do. Right now my older friend has covid. He is asymptomatic as far as I have been told. But that means I can’t see him right now until after this pandemic is done with. It’s too dangerous to see friends, especially with this new variant going around that is supposed to be more contagious than the main virus. I want to get vaccinated but no place around me has yet to provide the vaccine. I am still waiting.
PT, Partial, and other things
I had partial today. I went to three groups. The last group dealt with gender identity and I really liked it. Nearly half the participants were trans. The others were either trans NB or non-binary. It was a good group of people. I tried to pay attention to the DBT skill willingfulness but I just couldn’t. It is too complicated. Too many rules. I have two more days of groups and then I am done. I don’t want to go back.
After group I had some time to kill before PT. I took some Zanaflex because I needed it. I should have taken pain meds but I didn’t need it at that time. I went to PT and my whole shoulder girdle is knotted up. From my neck to my shoulder is all tense and hard. Even now as I am speaking my neck is twitching with pain. I just put some diclofenac gel on it. It seems to have calmed it down some. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt trying to get the knots out. I have to work with a tennis ball on my deltoid and the muscle near my shoulder blade. I also need to apply heat twice a day.
I need to shower tomorrow. I haven’t showered in almost a week. I am being lazy so I am keeping my beard. I just need to hop in the shower but I have no drive to do so. I know why it is so hard. I don’t want to be in pain and taking a shower causes me pain. I am traumatized by my own body. I miss the days where I would shower until the water got cold.
The PT wants to do dry needling which is similar to acupuncture. She said that it can get uncomfortable and after she was just touching the pressure points today, I believe it will cause me some discomfort. I am going to read through the information she gave me so that I can be informed. Either way, I am going to hurt with this therapy. The knots aren’t going to undo themselves and I can’t stand being in this much pain.
I have psychotherapy tomorrow. I was looking forward to it but now I am dreading it. I hope that I can talk without being in too much pain tomorrow. My shoulder has been giving me some real grief after partial. I want to talk about being traumatized by my body. I don’t know if she will talk about it or not but I think it is important to bring up. I don’t want to have the conversation but I also need to shower. I also need to talk about the trauma my father put us through when I was in my teens. I know I have been over it a million times but the anniversary is coming up and I want to be ready.
Sad that I am in a lot of pain and in a depressed mood same time as last year when I tried to take my life. I am so suicidal but so fearful of being another failure I don’t try. I have been in pain since 0330 this morning when I woke up with shoulder pain. I stayed up for an hour trying to get it to calm down. I can’t remember if I took a BT med or not. I was in agony.
I have been in a lousy mood all day. My friend pissed me off this morning over a misunderstanding. I am so upset with her that I can’t bring myself to talk to her. Then I had partial hospital which was basically just attending groups. I was uncomfortable throughout as my shoulder was still hurting me causing my neck to feel out of sorts. My hamstring in my left leg was hurting me as well. I just felt like the left side of me was just not going to be happy today. My ankle was bothering me but not as bad as the shoulder pain. I just wanted to sleep but I couldn’t because I had group. By the second group, I had enough. I forced myself to a third group and was in agony and full of piss and vinegar throughout the meeting. I just wanted to lay down. I was bored and the group didn’t hold my interest. I am finding it hard to participate in them. I often have nothing to contribute or to add. I don’t relate to anything being said.
After the third group I texted my therapist that I was in a bad mood and we texted for a bit. She didn’t want me to have therapy if I was going to be angry. I thought things over a bit using DBT and realized I was more hurt (physically and emotionally) than angry. That helped diffuse my anger somewhat. I went to therapy and we talked. I told her in two days will be my anniversary of when I last attempted to take my life. I told her of the day and it was similar to what I am feeling today with being in so much pain. I am so depressed but I don’t feel the pressure of suicidality that I did last year. I do have the pills to do the job if I choose to go through with it. But I fear I will be a failure so I don’t try.
I didn’t nap today though I tried. I was just in too much pain and anguish. I was really upset that I was misgendered. Even my therapist misgendered me by accident. She was really sorry she did as it was a typo. The sentence didn’t make sense so I knew it was an error but it still stung just the same. Yesterday my mother called me a girl and it hurt so bad. Then she fell which got me worried so I couldn’t be “angry” at her so much. I hate that caring for her sometimes over takes the feelings I have for her, especially when they are negative. It drives me crazy.
Saturday Blog 12122020
I’ve had a rough day. I can’t seem to get going. I woke up with hunger, which is unusual so I had some ramen noodles as that was what I was wanting. I got the download link to One Night Lonely with Mary Chapin Carpenter but I haven’t been able to download it to my phone so that my MP3 recognizes it. It is stuck in dropbox app and I don’t remember how to “free” the songs. I have to google it I guess.
I had partial yesterday and a meeting with the therapist which felt good to talk to him. He validated a lot of what I was going through and is willing to have a reduced schedule for me because of my pain. I will go three days a week and go to 3 groups. I haven’t decided if I will do that. I am going to give it one more full day to see how I do. It is tiring even though it is on virtual. I can’t say I am learning a lot because it is a lot of old stuff through the years being brought up once again, with the distress tolerance and wise mind and mindfulness. All DBT stuff I have learned before.
The therapist and I talked about how I was really feeling and I honestly told him how I felt. It felt good to finally tell someone that pain is again causing me to be so miserable. It was good telling someone that this might not work for me because of pain and he understood this to be a barrier in treatment.
I did have a good session with my therapist Thursday afternoon. She thinks trauma is the reason I get suicidal and depressed because I am not dealing with it. I thought about what she said and it made sense. I told her let’s work on it then but she thinks I don’t have the coping skills to deal with it right now. We are going to give a few weeks of partial a shot and then go from there. She is on vacation in a couple of weeks so it might not be until the new year that we work on this. I have no idea what it entails. I am tempted to read my “trauma and recovery” book that I got in college but I don’t know where it is right now. I think it is in the basement with my other books from my office. I just tried to find the book but it isn’t there so I don’t know where it is. I will just order another copy.
Trauma has been something I have stayed away with in therapy for a long time. It was something I never thought I needed to go through. Seems like now I got to face it and I am not sure I can do it. I just hope my therapist doesn’t refer me to a trauma specialist because I won’t go through with it. I don’t want to see two therapists for basically the same problem.
I’m listening to Taylor Swift’s folklore again. I want to get the new album but I have to deposit money in my account. I will probably do that tomorrow. My favorite song on this album is exile. It is a duet and it is so good. I have it on repeat right now.
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