Tag: PTSD

state of my nation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

State of my nation

I don’t usually talk about politics on my blog but the events of Jan 6th is not sitting with me. I want to see those that perpetrated it punished and get the hell out of office. I want 45 to never be able to hold office again and for him to be impeached a second time. Trouble is, his supporters in the Senate refuse to do what they took an oath to do, uphold the Constitution under foreign and domestic threats. These same hypocrits say they stand for the Constitution but they don’t show it. If those senators don’t get expelled from office who is to say history won’t repeat itself and we have a Hitler America. I am terrified of this. I know there are militia groups that probably have more arms than the National Guard and are as trained to use them. All for white supremacy. It is sickening. It is wrong. Every person that invaded the Capitol that day should have gotten arrested rather than sent home, only to get arrested after the fact. Now we can’t find the fucker that put bombs in the RNC and DNC offices. I have no doubt there was collusion among the police to allow this to happen. I am sad for my nation.

I had PT yesterday and it causes some spasms to occur in my chest. We were working on my rib muscles and they got flared up. I didn’t like it. Both sides were hurting me so today I am not going to do the exercises. I will do some but not all of them. I need to give my body a break. My neck is really hurting me today. I put heat on like I am supposed to. I haven’t taken any Zanaflex today. I just don’t want to be sleepy all day.

Trying to see if my niece can go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I don’t feel like going out today. I am still trying to get enough energy to clear off my bed, which I still haven’t done. I am getting so damn frustrated with myself because I get so tired I just lay down and sleep rather than clear it off so I can change the sheets. I also need to put on the new foam topper which need to sit at least 12 hours or so before I can use my bed. I don’t know what my problem is other than dreading doing the clearing. When I start doing it, it doesn’t take me long. I usually do a little at a time so it isn’t overwhelming.

I feel pretty depressed. I know that is why I cannot change my sheets. I am too weighed down. I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean. I see my therapist tomorrow. I also have PT in the morning. I hope PT can stop the pain in my neck and around my ear. I know it is because the muscles are so fricken tight. I need to shower today. I am starting to smell again because I have been sweating so much. The heat has been going on because it is so cold and I have been really hot. If I had top surgery I would go around the house topless. I can’t wait till I am able to do this.

Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy

I sent the blog I wrote yesterday to my therapist and she read it before our session today. We talked about it and she explained why she is often “pushy” and one sided in her decision makings. We also talked about ways she could be more collaborative in therapy and more validating. It was a good session. We talked about meeting twice a week for a while and she was open to this.

I have been tired all day. I haven’t been able to nap though. I had two cups of coffee to try and get going. I wanted to change my sheets today but I ran out of gas. My neck hurt too much today to do anything. My ankle was also bothering me so I had a fair amount of pain. There were times when the pain got so bad I wanted to end things right then and there. I thought about sending my therapist a text about it but I never did. She wouldn’t like it. My jaw has been hurting me most of the day. I have been having trouble opening my mouth and my teeth hurt on the top row. I really need to see a dentist to find out what is wrong but I think it is because I am clenching my teeth that is causing me pain. I am under so much stress and tension in my upper body. I know it has to do with trauma and not feeling safe in my own home right now. Too much stuff is happening and it is making me so anxious and hypervigilant. Plus this week is an anniversary week so I am dealing with memories of my past. These memories aren’t intrusive, they are just there and sometimes with the leg pain, causes me to react with PTSD symptoms.

I have a lot of trauma growing up and it is why I have been so tense lately. It centers around my mother and sister. One is old and the other is fairly new. Getting used to living with my middle sister again hasn’t been easy. We fight a lot of the time and often I can’t stand to be around her because she is so quick to anger. She is not physically violent, thank god but she says hurtful things and that is hard to accept. My mother just violates privacy a lot of the time. I still am not over the childhood abuse she did to me. I’ve never talked about it because I am scared to. I think I have the right therapist to help me talk about it though.

Twenty years ago this week I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I had lost function of my legs due to a disc fragment compressing my nerves. I had to have a back operation to get rid of the fragment. I had to relearn to walk, which was tough. It took more than a week for me to move my toes again and gradually feeling and sensation came back. Strength took a little while longer. Then two weeks later I developed a staph infection and became really weak. I was really sick and it was difficult to walk at that point. I couldn’t go as far as I did before. It took a long time for me to recover. All the while I wasn’t working so had financial worries. I had to file for bankruptcy and that gave me some financial freedom for a while. It took me a few years to get back up to 40 hours a week. It took a lot out of me.

Tomorrow I have PT virtually because there is going to be a snow storm. I am not going out in it. I don’t care. It is going to suck because virtual PT is not ideal but there are exercises that can be done at least. Just sucks because I really would love for the PT to massage my neck again.

trauma and recovery and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trauma and recovery

From Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman

I have been reading the book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman and it has been helpful to see where my trauma has hindered so much of my life. Last night I was reading a chapter about how the client should feel empowered through therapy and only then can they heal. I feel that I am being hindered in my therapy with my therapist because she has her own ideas of what is helpful that doesn’t include my input. I am finding it very difficult to stay connected to her because I am being stifled so to speak. I often don’t feel validated in therapy. I feel like she only gives it as a last resort to things that I say. I am going to ask her tomorrow why she has trouble validating what I am going through. I often feel that she is listening to me and then her saying “ok” doesn’t validate my experience. Just means that she heard what I said. I really don’t want to have to go find another therapist but she is pushing me too much. The last session I had with her she said the depression is making me not want to bother and I need to bother, in regards to calling a chronic pain support group. It made me feel bad because she doesn’t get how severely limiting my depression can be in reaching out for new support. I can’t just put the “bother” aside and do things. That isn’t how things work.

I know I gripe about therapy a lot on my blog but it is how I process what goes on and how I am feeling. Things that happen in therapy stay with me and I go over it to try and deal with it. I have a lot of trauma to sort through and it is still affecting my ability to deal with stuff. My depression is severe and I often think about ending my life. I have been in therapy for nearly thirty years. I think the only thing it has done is keep me alive. I have been hospitalized more times than I can count. I have learned things but sometimes those things don’t come up when I am in a crisis or feeling really bad. This is why I don’t find DBT helpful because when you are in the heat of the moment you aren’t going to reach for a piece of paper or manual for help.

I get so frustrated in therapy because I feel like I am not heard. Right now the therapist is of the opinion that she is the expert and that I should listen to her. I honestly don’t like this. I feel like this is patriarchy. It burns me to no end when I think of what she said when I was at my most vulnerable. I don’t know how to bring this up. Even as I was trying to cancel session she was of the opinion it wasn’t a good idea. That maybe so but don’t I have a right to cancel when I feel like it? She said we should at least check in because of the level of my depression is so severe. So I agreed on that point. I will have a check in with her tomorrow. I don’t know if I will talk about her idea that her being my clinician is best for me. The paternalization needs to stop.

overslept and out of breath

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Overslept and out of breath

I overslept for my PT appointment today. I couldn’t get up 8 like I wanted to I had woken up around 6 to pee and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I should have stayed up. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and when I came back up the street, I was out of breath. I was also sweating a lot. I feel like walking up the street was my cardio workout for the day.

I had therapy yesterday and it was annoying. Therapist wants me join a chronic pain support group. I am supposed to text her when I do. I looked up the number yesterday but it wasn’t there so had to email the partial program guy to get the number. He has responded; I just got to call now. I hate talking on the phone with people. I rather email them. I hope the group meets via zoom rather than in person.

Therapist and I only had a half hour session because she messed up her schedule. That was fine by me. I got her patronizing lecture of how she is the clinician and basically knows what is best for me. I feel like canceling Monday’s appointment. She probably will talk me out of it though. I don’t know. I hate canceling with therapists. Sometimes it is just easier to show up than cancel. I just hate when they ask why and you don’t have a “good” reason.

Back has been acting up since walking back home from the pharmacy. I took a Zanaflex which I hate doing because it makes me sleepy. I am not doing anything tonight so I don’t mind if I am sleepy. I have been lax in taking it during the day. Neck and arm/shoulder has been okay today. I haven’t been so sore like I was the last time I was dry needled. I had five appointments this week so I was spent which is probably why I overslept. It takes so much mental energy to go to these appointments even though they are virtual, well except my PT. PT is in person. But even that is mental energy to get dressed and taking the bus to show up.

I tried canceling my therapy appointment for Mon and it failed. She basically said given the severity of my depression and suicidality she didn’t think it was a good idea to not meet, at least to just check in. So I will be seeing her. I hate her. She is always calling me out on my depression. I just need a fricken break. I don’t get what is so hard about this.

I was able to sleep for a little bit but my leg kept jerking so I couldn’t go into a deep sleep. I took some meds to try and make me relaxed. My neck is tight so I could use the ease of the meds right now. I am not in pain right now, which I guess is good. Back is still cramping so I don’t know what to do about that. I am ready to take some more magnesium. It seems that is the only thing that quiets down my back. And it has no side effects so I am for it.