Tag: recurrent major depression

so tired of the shore

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

So tired of the shore

I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.

I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.

Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.

The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.

Why am I here?

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I got this notification today. It made my day. Been up since 4 am in pain. Concussion messed with my memory as I couldn’t remember how to make a fried egg. Made boiled instead. Now I am wicked paying for it. Foot is being crushed and ankle is being stabbed. Really wish that stupid elixir worked. Hate being in this much pain. Depression is so bad. I just want to sleep. Got appts every day this week and then made plans with a friend for dinner Sat. I am such an idiot. I am going to be toast if the pressure and temps keep being a rollercoaster.

I don’t know how i am supposed to go on like this. Yet apparently I am. Maybe reading Marsha Linehan’s memoir will help, if I can remember where I put the book…

Ocean 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

Ocean

This is a new song by Lady Antebellum called Ocean. It is such a good song. I cannot wait for their new album to be out as I know it is going to be kickass as every single that has come out has been superb. I love this group so much and I am SOO happy they got back together.

I saw the uro. The cath came out. She wanted me to find some new catheters but I didn’t like the selection the nurse brought in so I will stick with what I got. I probably could do with a longer one but as long as this one is doing the job, that is all I care about. After the appointment I was so drained. I went to Whole Foods for some Indian but they didn’t have any. So I just had some Chinese food that they had. The rice was good. I also had some shredded beef that was amazing. It wasn’t part of the Chinese selection but in the Spanish section. I love that they have different varieties of food to choose from. Now I am back on a timer/schedule for my bladder. The uro wanted to know what the neurosurgeon had said and I told her he thinks I might have a tethered spinal cord and I think surgery is going to happen. She said she would redo the urodynamic testing two months later to see if there have been any changes made to stop progression of the bladder problems. I told her that he wanted a family member and she said that seems to indicate he is thinking surgery. I agreed with her. I feel so screwed. I really didn’t want to have surgery next year on my back but seems like it is going to happen.

My mother and baby sister is sick. Hope I don’t get what they got because there are some nasty viruses out there. My middle sister was the first to get sick and I think she spread it. She will deny it though. I got the flu shot so hopefully whatever my sister and mother have, it isn’t that. I know my mother did not get a flu shot.

I think I am recovered from the horrible depression that has plagued me for most of this year. I don’t feel like that black cloud is holding me so tight anymore. I am not saying that it isn’t there. It is. I just don’t feel its presence as strong as I did. I am back to my baseline depression, which I guess is a good thing. I didn’t think I was ever going to feel like this again.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I did when I came home and I am 3 pounds less than I was the last time I weighed myself. I had gained like 4 pounds now lost 3. I will check it tomorrow but I don’t think it will be a big difference. I knew I had lost some weight because my PJs were starting to get loose and I have an elastic waistband! I might be a size smaller. I had just bought a bunch of new PJs in size XL. I do not want to buy new ones. They can slide off me, I don’t care. I ate today for the first time in what feels like days. I wasn’t hungry but I just made myself eat something. I still have no appetite. I don’t know if it is because of the depression or meds or what. With the nortriptyline and gabapentin, my appetite should be off the scale but it isn’t.

I love my uro who is always courteous and mindful about me being a FTM. She explained it perfectly to a fellow nurse what my situation was. I am so glad the staff are always nice about it. I really lucked out. One of the trans women I follow on Twitter just posted as this is the decade she is going to be her to her full being. It will be similar for me. I am out and on HRT. I am transitioning. If I have to have back surgery this year I hope I can also have top surgery. My only fear would be spread of CRPS. I don’t know what it will be like or if the surgeon knows about CRPS and removing the breasts. I know that I cannot survive another year with these things on my chest. They are depressing me so much especially as they are getting hairy with the hormones. It is so distressing. Sets off the dysphoria so bad. I hate being in the wrong body.

An idiot, I am

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mood disorders, painsomnia

Pain got the best of me this morning. Early this morning I was ready to doze off finally after being up all night. Laid down and within 15 minutes, pain got worse. I had enough so I got the elixir out. I wasn’t sure how it was going to taste. I took a swig. It was peppery and I checked the ingredients to make sure it didn’t have pepper in it or my stomach was going to reject my attempt. I kept taking shots but nothing was happening. I waited an hour. Nothing. By now it was like 6 am. I maybe dozed off for an hour or two, not consecutively though. By 0700, I gave up. The stuff wasn’t causing a reaction. I was mad and pissed and a jumble of other emotions.

I texted my therapist at midnight saying I wasn’t going to see her tomorrow. She thought it was today so allowed me to cancel. Mood was all over the place. Then she texted saying she couldn’t see me because she was really sick. That was the last text I got from her. I sent her a few more but got nothing. I went about my day.

I went to see my friend at the Navy Yard. We chatted for a few before he had to go back to work. I then went off for my appt with OT. We discussed the caths and stuff related. I asked her what would be best in cathing in bed and she told me it might be easier but I could get too comfortable with it that it would be the only place I would. Right now I am just planning on doing it when my ankle is 12+ level pain so I don’t have to go downstairs. I got a urinal and she showed me an type of catheter with a bag from the same company that makes the ones I use. She is going to recommend them to my uro so she can order them for me. These will be so much easier as then I don’t have to worry too much about wetting the bed with an accidental miss. Throughout the conversation I was having trouble keeping it. Concussion symptoms were in high gear today. Memory was finicky at best and my thoughts were not always on point. I would forget mid-sentence what I was saying and then totally blank out completely. Didn’t help that I sleep deprived.

After the appt, I went grocery shopping. I wanted burgers and turkey bacon. 4 things and I wiped out when I got home. I wanted to nap but couldn’t. I asked my mother to make burgers. She did, almost using the two pounds of meat I bought. I told her not to use all of it because I wanted to make dirty gravy. Now I need to buy more meat, which means going out in the storm tomorrow. Fucking fuck. I am so pissed she just did what she wanted with my stuff.

The only side effect from my failed attempt is a sore throat. I haven’t officially told anyone. I feel more hopeless and useless now than i did before. I put in a call to the NP as the therapist wanted me to involve her in this. She (NP) never called me so not sure when or if she will. I texted the therapist about it. Still got no response so she must really be sick. I don’t know if she is going to figure out i duped her with appt days. I did ask saying if there was an opening to let me know. I cannot see her Thurs but will if i have to. I see the behavioral med psychologist then. I cannot see the therapist and him on the same day as insurance won’t allow it.

I really don’t want to let on I tried to end things today. I feel like I will get in trouble if I do or worse, get placed back in the hospital. I will know more tomorrow if the therapist is feeling better.

Wed morning I see the concussion specialist. I am being evaluated for a TBI, which is what a concussion is, a traumatic brain injury, though a mild one. I am having a lot of symptoms so hope they can help. I know I have been bad about screen time and resting my brain. It is so hard though doing absolutely nothing sitting in the dark. I wouldn’t mind if I was drugged out on something or maybe I just need an ativan to help me sleep while my brain recovers. I still am getting headaches and pain at the back of my head where I banged it. Short term memory is shot. I can’t remember things like i used to and i have to write stuff down. The OT suggested I have an alarm set to start being on a bladder schedule so i know when to pee. I think i am going to put it in my med app as i can order it for every 6 hours or so without disrupting the time schedule. Trick would be at night so i don’t wake up in the early morning hours just to empty my bladder. But if i should have to, i now have the urinal and obviously the caths to do it. The OT also gave me a few higher quality chux pads. That was really nice of her. Now I can order them through Amazon. I haven’t decided if I should get disposable ones or washable. The price is pretty much the same, except for washable you get 4, disposable I think is 50. If I get the washable, I won’t have to reorder them, which would be nice.

I am feeling pretty worthless about failing, again. I guess I am just not meant to die. And this bothers me so much.