Tag: suicide ideation

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

It has almost been a week since I last planned the end of my life. I didn’t go through with attempting because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to fail again so I held off. Now I am future planning with my hysterectomy surgery coming up and thinking about going to the weight clinic so I can lose weight to have top surgery. This is a big deal for me because it is living. Doing gender affirming things is making suicide less of an option.

My therapist was curious about my future planning. When she said that, I got scared. I told her about my realization last night about how suicide will be on the back burners should I opt to go to the weight clinic so I can have top surgery. It would be stupid to lose weight and kill myself. I never thought I would feel this way about life and wanting something from it because I have wanted to die for so long. I still want to die, especially after the day I have had today. I’ve been in pain and cathing hasn’t been easy today for some reason. I have cut down the hours to three to cath because the urge to go has been so strong when I cath it is like popping a water balloon and pee goes everywhere. I also have been in pain since 4am this morning. My aunts were over and my mother deadnamed me. This was right before therapy. I feel so bad about things. I hate my life.

I am scared about this future planning and being suicidal. I have lived a dual life where I was planning to end my life yet carrying on like I wasn’t. Now the opposite is happening and I know that there are stats that go against me. I am not saying that this forward thinking is going to prevent my suicidal thoughts from happening. I am slowly doing things that make me laugh and feel good. My therapist recommended I watch the show Community and although it is a stupid funny show, I enjoy watching it. It takes me out of my head. When I woke up at 4 this morning I watched an episode to try and settle things down so the pain meds would work and I could go back to sleep. My bladder had other plans though. It kept waking me up every couple of hours to be emptied. And this is without drinking any fluids.

Suicide has always been my go to option when I am feeling bad, really bad. Now that I am finding more options to things, I am needing it less. It feels really, really strange. Losing weight will be a huge challenge for me. I am not ready to face it. I have to get through my hysterectomy surgery first. Once I have recovered, I plan on going to the weight clinic to help me be the weight I want to be. Just hope that this new living plan that is forming doesn’t get derailed by suicidal thinking again. After all, suicide is always an option no matter how much living I do.

a blog about being blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A blog about being blah

I am feeling really depressed and blah today. I woke up late, around 1330. My neck has been hurting me since last night. I put some heat on it while I was having my coffee. It is really warm out today so I was sweating with the heat. I didn’t feel like going out. I don’t feel like doing anything today. I should shower but I don’t even have the energy for that. I still need to do my meds for the week. I’ll do that after I write this blog.

I put in my appointments for the month in my calendar. They are mostly PT appointments. I have a few sessions left and then I am done. She has done as much as she can do for me. I am glad I am not waking up in pain anymore with my shoulder anyway.

“rather die than live in fear”. I got this quote from somewhere, probably Twitter and it has been resonating with me the last few days. It has increased my suicidality. I would rather die than live in fear with my family. The resentment and disrespect is sometimes too much for me. The gender dysphoria sets in and I wonder why I am the way I am. I question who I am and wonder if it is worth it. I just feel so worthless at times that I wonder if it would be better if I was dead.

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be bringing this up to her. I don’t know if we are ever going to start work on the pain workbook or not. Seems to be always something in the way of us getting into it. I am having some serious pain right now in my leg. My ankle and shin hurt so bad. It is getting hard to write. I hate CRPS so much. All it does is take, take, take. I can’t remember the last time I had a day without pain. Now I got the shoulder and neck thing going on for god knows how long. Just something else I got to live with. Been living with this pain for five months now. I think it can be called chronic pain. Just add it to my list of why I should die.

My neck is acting up again. I just took some Zanaflex to calm it down. All my muscles are tense in my shoulder and neck. Stretching my neck from side to side is still hard to do. It hurts so much. I have been trying to keep off my phone so I don’t aggravate it further but it has been hard. I don’t know why the neck has flared up. It takes so much to calm it down and I don’t see my PT till later this week. I have been working really hard with the exercises and stretching that have been given to me. I just can’t seem to calm down the tension in my neck and shoulders. The pain is so bad it depresses me every time because I can’t do much when I hurt. All I do is lay down and stay as still as possible.

I don’t know what to say

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I don’t know what to say

Been a hard few days for me with pain and depression. I had therapy Wednesday and it was a disaster. I became suicidal after we went over some negative thoughts and then we both became frustrated. I told her I didn’t want to be in the hosp. She wanted me to join a group of some sort. I called the chronic pain support and they have a long waiting list so I won’t be able to go to that for a while. I got the impression she doesn’t know how to support me when I am suicidal. Yesterday I wrote her a message telling her about the suicide response plan and safety planning by Brown and Stanley. I don’t care which one we use but I think it is important to use one of them. I told her I prefer the suicide response plan because it is what Jobes uses for CAMS. I told her what CAMS was and how I find benefit from it but there are no CAMS trained therapists in Boston.

I got really upset and thought she didn’t want to work with me anymore because she said that she was tired of this cycle we get in when I get suicidal. She wants me to check the facts about this. I was sure she didn’t want to work with me anymore because I was too suicidal. I still feel like I might need another therapist but I know finding one now is going to be impossible because of the pandemic and because of my history.

Last night I had a runny nose and was sneezing my head off. I felt lousy. I still feel like I am coming down with a cold so I am trying to limit my exposure to my mother in case I am sick. I need to shower and shave my head. I got my haircut Wed. I didn’t have it all nice when I was talking to my therapist though. I had rinse out the hairs and it was messy. I didn’t care. I haven’t showered all week. I am trying to get enough energy to do it. I just feel so tired and don’t want to do anything. I really need to go to the grocery store to get more Gatorade. I have just six bottles right now. That is not going to be enough for the month, or even a week.

Yesterday I had PT and my deltoid is sore today. It feels bruised but there is no bruise mark on it. She did a lot of work on my arms yesterday. I got more stretches for my neck. I am glad because my neck has been such a pain. I need to put heat on it. Only thing is my family keeps moving my heat wrap on me so when I am in the kitchen, it isn’t there for me to throw in the microwave. It is the only way I can put heat on. PT also gave me some tennis balls for my back and hamstring. I have to rig something to have it between my shoulder blades. She said that I can use scotch tape but I think the balls will be too heavy for it. Will try it and see. Otherwise I will have to think of something else. Maybe a sock or something.

I got a letter from my pcp yesterday. He is leaving to go to the CDC. His last day is April 1st. This really sucks because I really liked him. He was a good doctor. I am going to miss him. I see him Monday for a follow up. It will be our last. Really sucks.

waking up in pain sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waking up in pain sucks!

I woke up around five this morning in pain. My right shoulder was killing me. I could barely move it, it was so painful. I took some pain meds and some Zanaflex and just waited for it to kick in before going back to sleep. I woke up an hour later having to use the bathroom. I postponed my med alarm to go off at 10 instead of 8 so I could sleep in a little. I still feel like shit. I just had coffee and something to eat.

I don’t know if my mother is coming home today. Doctor hasn’t called my sister yet or talked to my mother. She was in there because her blood pressure was unstable. Then her sugars dropped to the point they needed to give her glucagon. She has been on a sliding scale with her insulin since and her sugars have been more stable. I miss her being home even though it is stressful at times.

I finally was able to put some heat on my side where there are muscle knots. It felt better but then my neck started hurting me and it still continues to hurt. I will try to put heat on later in the day. I really haven’t been doing it the past few days because I have been lazy. I am not sure if I am going to go to the grocery store or not. I need to get Gatorade. I don’t plan on getting more than 10 bottles at a time because that is all I can handle. I do need to get some juice for my mother but that is all.

I feel like all the energy I ever had has been sucked out of me. I feel so lifeless. Everything feels so heavy, my legs and arms especially. I feel so blah and hopeless, like nothing is ever going to change. I have therapy tomorrow and am going to ask her what she meant by saying that I am “in my head”. I really am not looking forward to therapy. She can be such a bitch at times. She wants me to be more collaborative and I am trying. I just don’t think we will ever be on the same side of things. I get she has her experience in the field and knows what may help me. But I don’t think having groups is the answer for me. I am involved in two support groups that have helped me immensely on Facebook, one of which I am the admin for. I haven’t been able to find a mental illness/depression support group that isn’t all about suicide and its members writing how they want to die all the time and no one really supporting them or the members saying they are going to end their life, see ya later type of messages. It really gets me down and makes me feel so helpless because there are so many people suffering like that. I get it because I feel that way too.

I pre-ordered the book Suicidal thoughts workbook by Kathryn Gordon, PhD. I don’t know when it will come out so I just tweeted her. I would love to see if this book helps. Maybe I can get my therapist to get it as well. I’ve been struggling past few days with my suicidal thoughts. I still feel like things would be better if I were dead.