Tag: suicide ideation

Bad mood kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad mood kind of day

I was up half the night again. Yesterday, I spent a few hours helping my sister go through my stuff she is clearing from my office. First she wanted me to do one thing and then later that evening, she wanted me to do something else. Well, in order for me to do the something else, I need to do the first thing she told me, which was to organize and go through my clothes. I got rid of about two bags. I had a bag of my button down shirts that I was going to take to the cleaners but they probably don’t fit my anymore so I just got rid of them. I haven’t worn them in years anyways.

Last night I was in a worst mood. I felt really overwhelmed with what my sister was telling me about my things and how SHE wanted it to be. I felt like I couldn’t have MY room the way I want it. It’s bad enough most of the stuff in my office now needs a home in my room, which means I have to clear it up and get rid of some stuff. I am not fucking happy about any of this. She was telling me I don’t need a lot of binders and other office supplies. Sorry, but I do a lot of writing and DO need those things, especially when I print off my research articles or other papers. I am not going to get rid of them just so I have to buy more later on. They are fricken more expensive now than they were back when I was in college!

I was also getting stressed because I got a pain flare up that kept me up most of the night. I had sat and stood for those few hours I was doing things, even though I rested in between doing the different things I did. CRPS doesn’t care if you rest, you are still going to hurt. I talked to a couple of friends of mine from the CES group that understands you can’t be doing shit without consequences. I was in such a mood, I emailed my psych to tell her and then told her a little about the prep I have done to end things. I didn’t say when or how I would do this, or if I was really going to go through with it. Then I had moments where I wanted to go through with it last night. It took all I had not to get up and get my means.

Yesterday, as I was eating, my back tooth started hurting me. It has been hurting on and off the past couple of weeks. I meant to call the dentist this morning but I was so damn sleepy I didn’t. I don’t know if I was up at 6 am or if I woke up, but I took my meds and then slept until noon then fell asleep again till 3pm. I never called the dentist because I forgot. I will try and call tomorrow as I got a lot of time tomorrow to do so. I have PT so maybe I can do it before I leave or when I come home.

I have been craving pizza the past few days. Think I am going to get some before I come home tomorrow. I don’t know if I want Sicilian or regular. I will get two slices. Not sure I will eat both but at least I will have it later if I don’t. My appetite has been awful lately. Yesterday, I just had a burrito, and even that I had to force myself to finish it. I don’t know why my appetite is gone. I was able to make an egg burrito when I got up before I did anything as I was hungry. I just been eating one meal a day or maybe a couple of protein bars. I have lost like 11 pounds in about 2 and a half weeks. I am not sure it is real because sometimes I weigh myself on the scale and it will say I am down and then I go a few days later and I weigh more than I did in the beginning.

I emailed my PCP’s social worker to see if I can see her. I told her that I don’t think she could do anything but at least she is someone I can talk to until I get a therapist. I haven’t called any places because I am waiting for my damn heel pain to be less than what it is. There is one place I am thinking about but I am not sure where it is and how far I will be walking. There are two locations, one in my town and the town next to me. I think I will try the one in the next town over as Google maps says it is where my ex-therapist used to be. It is a block from that location and close to Harvard Square. I don’t know if it will be easier getting there like the therapist I was with and have a temporary hold on. I kind of want to go back to see him but then I don’t. I don’t even know if this place will take me or not so, no point thinking about it until I call. I want my foot/ankle to get a little bit better before I do call. But until then I am stuck without anyone to talk to. UGH. I hate this. I have never been without a therapist this long. It is going on for at least three months now.

Protected: Can’t sleep because of pain part 878932

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.

Am I a hopeless case?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Am I a hopeless case?

My med alarm woke me up. I reluctantly sat up to take them. I wanted to go back to sleep but my bladder said it had to go. It was really quiet in my house so I thought my mother was out. I went downstairs and peeked in the kitchen. My mother was there and the TV was on mute, hence why it was quiet. I did my business and brushed my teeth. I went upstairs wanting to go back to sleep but I needed to pick up my package at the FedEx office. I was debating on how to get there. Then I got a phone call that wrecked my day.

The phone call was the social service dept at the hospital where all my doctors are (except my neurologist who is at a different hospital). I could tell by her voice she wasn’t going to give me pleasant news. She was speaking slowly which was annoying. I let her say what she needed to. The whomever decided I needed “long term care” and they do not provide it. So she gave me some other places I could try. I got upset. One of the places she “recommended I try” was Psychology Today’s website and I told her the therapists there do what you are doing to me once they hear my history. She was taken aback by that. It is true, that is why I am stuck in therapist limbo because I have a history of suicide attempts AND could possibly be in crisis, which makes therapists uncomfortable. Rather than dealing with it, they just don’t see you or pass you on to someone else. So I got a few contacts, one was a social worker referral line. I am not going to call them. I sent a message to my PCP’s social worker to let her know I was upset they denied me services.

After the phone call, I just cried. I was so frustrated and angry and when I get like that, I just cry. I felt pretty hopeless. I feel like I am just this hopeless case no one wants to take on. I still have the other therapist I put on hold but I really don’t want to go back to see him when he really hasn’t helped me in the year I saw him. All I got from him was venting my frustrations on my medical care and other stresses, like my mother being an asshole. I wrote to my psychiatrist to let her know. She told me the hospital does not provide therapy (then why are they number 1 in psychiatry???) and we will talk about this more tomorrow. I didn’t respond to the email. I had started to cry again.

I feel utterly defeated, worse than I have ever felt about not having a therapist since 2016. I keep replaying the scenario in my mind when I asked my therapist if we should end, not expecting a yes but got a yes. I was shocked. Then I couldn’t get a hold of her as it was the holidays and I just thought when I spoke to her next things would be eased out and we go back the way it was before. Nope, she was going to terminate. In a month. With no appointments in between that January appointment and the February one. Since then I had to call like seven therapist before I landed the one I saw until my physical mobility was shot. I think I stopped seeing him in January. I wasn’t getting much from him anyways. More than a few times, he pissed me off so much I would cancel the next appointment. He never asked why, just did it and never talked about it. All my previous therapists always asked why I canceled and got the third degree when I did so. In a lot of ways he is different than all of the ones I saw before. But he was okay with me being suicidal. I could talk about it with him like I couldn’t with anyone else. But that is all it was, talking. No plans or structure or anything else to cope with how horrible I felt. So even though I had someone I could talk to, I often felt alone with what I talked about because there was a lack of care with the heaviness I spoke about. No idea if I am making sense. The last straw for me with him was when he told me to Google relaxation techniques after I told him my PTSD was keeping me from sleeping. He just said it was “anxiety” keeping me up. So now I will have Google as my therapist. No one else wants the job.

Protected: private post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.