Tag: therapist

going through the motions

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going through the motions

Today was my sister’s birthday. We celebrated and it annoyed me because I just wasn’t into the loudness of everything. My youngest sister was annoying me with trying to talk to my mother about getting my other sister’s kitchen table because it was bigger. The thing is a monster table and would be hard to get by in our kitchen. Plus my mother doesn’t want a rectangle table. She wants the one she has, a round one and that is that.

I picked up my meds from the pharmacy today. It was a good walk but my back cramped up and I had to rest a little while after getting my meds. I just sat in the chair until the spasms passed and then I went on my way. I still got winded by the time I got to my house. The hill up my street gets me every time. I again didn’t nap when I came home. I pushed through and even though I am tired now, I think I will sleep better. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I fought it off as best I could but I couldn’t sleep until I emptied my bladder. Then I was up. I have been up since 0400. I did manage a couple of hours sleep at 0700 but for the most part I have been up. I just took my night meds so I hope to be asleep soon. I just hope I don’t wake up to use the bathroom again.

I had to take some gaba tonight because my foot is full of nerve pain. It feels like it is vibrating. I was tempted to take the bottle tonight. I didn’t want to harm myself but I just felt like fuck it. I still want to take more but I am resisting the urge. I am not sure I am going to bring this up when I talk with my therapist tomorrow. I might but I don’t know. I guess it all depends on if I want to talk about it. I get into these funks with her where I feel like I just can’t talk to her without her judging me. She doesn’t but I am fearful she will. She has this no bullshit attitude that makes it hard for me to talk sometimes. And when the bullshit detector goes off, the sarcasm follows. I will usually follow with some sarcasm on my own.

I feel rough and empty. I am struggling with so much and I can’t seem to know how to deal with it but I am just going through the motions. I feel hopeless when I am in this space. It is so hard to feel hopeful about anything. I try though. Even though I want to cancel my therapy appointment, I will keep it because maybe it won’t go down the way that I feel it will (poorly with no hope of things being better or feeling better after the appointment.) I got brain fog right now from the Latuda. I felt it last night around an hour after I took it and I am feeling it now. Ugh. It feels like someone is trying to grip my brain and hold it in place all the while stopping messages going through my head. I am glad I am taking this med at night rather than during the day. It would be a disaster to have this side effect then. My brain just feels frozen and in a fog. I sent a message to my psychiatrist to see if it is a temporary feeling. Just hope I can sleep.

therapy and meeting with GYN surgeon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and meeting with GYN surgeon

Yesterday I had a meeting with one of the top GYN surgeons at the hospital I go to. We discussed having a hysterectomy. It was a good meeting and I said that I didn’t want it right away as I wanted to build up my endurance first. She said that I would have to have some testing done so we had some time but it should be within three months because that is when her schedule gets tricky. I am planning on having it done in Feb of next year. It will be a day surgery so I don’t have to worry about staying overnight. She described the procedure and it doesn’t look to be too complicated. I just worry about a prolapse bladder, which I forgot to ask her about. We discussed the need for keeping the ovaries but as I am on testosterone, I don’t have to worry so much about menopause, unless I stop taking it. I am glad I will have this useless organ out of me.

I had therapy yesterday and it went well. We talked about coming up with a schedule that will help me sleep better and to have some routine. We spent the session talking about it. I told her I would go for a walk and then she suggested that I write. I am not sure writing in the mid-morning early afternoon is good for me. I don’t write well at that time. We did build in naps so that I can rest. She thinks I am pushing myself too much and that is why I am tired all the time and feels so frustrated with my recovery. I guess I just have to give myself permission to relax at times when I have done too much. But what I do changes my level of tiredness. I could do the same thing every day and one day it will tire me out and the next day it won’t. Like showering. Some times it really wears me out and I need to rest a few times while in the shower to rest my back. I told her about how Friday was a bad day that I tried to make good at by getting my haircut. It just made me more tired and I had to rest the weekend.

Today I made coffee but didn’t finish it. Post nasal drip was so bad that I kept on gagging, making drinking not a pleasant experience. I took a walk afterwards and met with my neighbor who had her dog out. It was good seeing the boxer again. I missed seeing her. She was rowdy, running around in circles. I still need to get dog treats so I can pet her. Otherwise she ignores me. LOL. I came home and did fairly well. I had to stop at the corner where there was a bench to rest my back. It was the only rest that I needed to complete the walk around the block. It was really beautiful out today. Weather was perfect.

I need to take a shower. I got sweaty and I smell. I have decided not to shave my beard for the month of November. I am just biding my time because I know I am going to be exhausted after the shower. I haven’t been eating so lost some weight. I let my psychiatrist know as the new med causes weight gain but I am going the opposite way. I asked him about my lipids and he said that he will check them when I am on a stabile dose of the Latuda. I asked the pharmacist yesterday if it causes any bladder issues and it doesn’t. Guess it just is nerves for me. I have urodynamic testing next month. I am kind of nervous about it. It is such an invasive test. I will find out then if there has been a change in my circumstances and maybe I can get off some of the medication I take for my bladder.

struggling to stay awake

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Struggling to stay awake

Since Saturday, I have been in a funk. I have been really tired, more so than usual. I don’t know if it is the depression that is causing me to feel this way or if it is just my body reacting to PT and having a fit. I avoided a nap but I showered and it flared up my back pretty bad. Here it is hours later and I am still hurting and cramping. I just took some Ativan to try and calm things down as the Zanaflex didn’t do anything but make me more tired.

I had therapy yesterday and I wished I didn’t. It didn’t go so well and frankly I am tired of trying to put an effort into it. My therapist said that she feels she is doing the work. I am just so exhausted I don’t want to do anything. She wanted me to set some goal for the week and I didn’t want to so she got pissed. I don’t think this is working out for me anymore. She is just too strict in trying to get me to talk and I don’t feel like talking some days. Maybe I should cancel when I don’t feel like talking. I don’t know. It has me feeling bad. I feel like I am disappointing her. I just sent her a message asking her if she wants me to cancel therapy on days I don’t feel like talking. I told her this exhaustion has been consuming me so much all I want to do is sleep.

I have made an appointment with the pain psychologist for another session. I am meeting with her tomorrow. This should be interesting as I don’t feel like doing goals in my regular therapy sessions and here I am trying to do that with this person. I feel like it has disaster written all over it before I even begin.

Today is the 16th anniversary of the Sox winning the World Series for the first time in 86 years. The pitcher who won the game’s last out showed the video clip of the play. It felt so good to see it again. I can watch it several times and it will always bring tears and joy to my heart. It was such an awesome game. I remember watching it and thinking omg there is just one more out and the Sox will win. Then Renteria hit the ball back to Foulke and game over. I sat there watching the players clobber one another for at least five minutes before realizing they won. I was so shocked and awed. It was such a glorious series. Beating the Skankees was the best. Those long games that were torture but ended in victory. Sox Nation didn’t sleep well the entire series. Not until the final prize was won. And then we did celebrate with duck boats and parades.

In addition to feeling tired the past few days, I have also been feeling like my ears are blocked. I just get this pressure in my head and my right ear feels like this humming noise, like a motor running. I don’t have the ceiling fan going so I am not sure what the noise is. I have been thinking of making an appointment with my pcp to get checked out but I am not sure he is seeing patients or not. If I still feel this way by Thursday I will call the office and see what he is doing for patient care. I can have a virtual visit but that is kind of hard to see my ear canal to see what is going on.

hodgepodge of thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I sent a message to my therapist last night. I didn’t expect her to answer it but I wanted to send it so I have something to talk about on Monday when I see her. I told her a couple of reasons why the suicidal ideations were increasing. I just feel bad about myself because physically I am unable to do the things I used to do without exhaustion. I also feel bad because I have no control over my bowels like I used to. That is what is causing me to feel really horrible. I talked with my psychiatrist about it today. He was apologetic. We had a good conversation about things. He is a really nice guy. I like him. He seems very supportive. I told him one of the things my therapist was harping on was being on medication and he said that his job was to make sure I was in therapy. I told him how my therapist said she was the GPS and I had to drive the car. Trouble was I didn’t know if I wanted to be in the car or not but with the suicidal ideation increasing, I made an appointment with her.

I had a productive day. I made all the phone calls that I needed to today. I rescheduled my appointment with PT. Gynecology called me to make an appointment. This is for my hysterectomy. I can’t believe that after 44 years I am finally going to lose the useless uterus. I also called my long term disability insurance for their annual update. I hated talking to them because I feel like they are always judging me. I had some changes in providers that they didn’t know about so it was good that things got updated.

I took a shower and shaved. My back again was not cooperative. I had bad cramps and had to sit down several times. My back feels tight and hurts. I want to nap but it is too late in the afternoon. I need to be up early tomorrow. I have an early appointment with PT, my last appointment for the week. I just set my alarm for the morning. I hate waking up before 10 to leave the house and shit. I barely function at that time. I got to make sure I eat something and have coffee. I had a hard time sleeping last night so I hope I can get to bed early tonight.

I started a new book called City of Brass. It is good. I like it. I finished Untamed the other night. It was a very good book. I also started a book about the Cold War. I have to read at least 2 books a month in order to finish my challenge that I started this year. I think I can do it because I tend to read when Twitter bores me or I want to avoid the stupidity of politics. I’ve also find that I sleep better if I read before bed.