Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

staying the course

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Staying the course

I realized this past week how grateful I am that I had a doc that listened and cared who also didn’t treat every symptom I have with meds. I am not sure where this “team” and I are going. Seems everyone wants to be captain and not a 1st officer. I know the waters are wicked stormy and all I want is to go down with the ship. Trying to stay the course but it has been hard as I just haven’t been able to have much say in my care. Been able to decline med changes so far. Therapy is a bit harder. Just doesn’t seem we are all on the same page yet. I am not sure we all will be on the same page if there isn’t some agreement on who exactly is in charge. I thought it was me but it doesn’t feel like I am and that is a problem. This therapist is trying to pull her weight in my care and it is knocking me over. I am already exhausted from trying to keep the ship above the water and seems soon as I got it going on course some storms knocks me off my bearings. She hasn’t been much help to steer the vessel while I am struggling for control. I feel like she wants to be on the bridge but just to look around.

These thoughts and pain are what is keeping me up tonight. I also have been thinking of writing and how with my psych being gone, no one is going to ask about it anymore. I think the “team” will think it is too isolating to write a blog or a book or something.

I have been thinking about my writing because I haven’t done much of it the past few months. I sort of let it slip through my hand and haven’t been able to really get back to it. A blog reader reached out to me. She told me that it helps her to get out of bed to check the computer to see if I posted. That day, two other people said they were glad I was still around. All three of these people, though they didn’t know one another, have never met nor were on all the same platforms were telling me to try and hang on when right now I don’t feel much like doing so. They understand why I don’t want to and in their own minds have sort of understood that I am free to make that choice should I take it.

Other night, I was having a really bad day of pain. Actually, I have been in the same kind of pain since Thursday around noon with my ankle all flared up. I wanted to end things Thursday. I couldn’t walk so figured I would do it Friday. Friday I was still in pain and texted the therapist that I was going to order more ginger. She thought my niece got rid of the stash I have. I have a serious allergy to ginger as I found out a few months ago. The therapist didn’t say anything about the pain but did say that if I ordered the ginger, it would tell her that I wasn’t safe. I held off on telling her anymore. Last night I found out some bad news about a family member and was so heartbroken about it. I still am. I wanted to end things right then but I didn’t want it to be in my home. I figured one piece of the gummies wouldn’t be too much. I had Benadryl and an epipen if things got bad. I also had a fortified histamine blocker if I needed it. The gummy caused a reaction but it wasn’t severe. It was moderate as my voice is a bit shaky. I realized by my experiment that a handful would probably be enough like I thought it would be. Now I got to wait for a fucking dry day to come around as it is going to rain all fucking week to put my plan into motion. I am biding my time for now. It is all I can do. I am not sure I am going to make it through the next few weeks. I am going to try and write more to see if that helps tame these demons like they have been in the past. Writing about them hasn’t always been so damn easy though. MK, hope you can check your laptop a little more frequently as I try to tame things in my head through writing.

Thoughts about the week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Wednesday I had two appts, one with therapist and the other with psychopharm. Therapy didn’t go too well. She doesn’t want me dependent on her, which I get. She also wants me to be more social. I wanted to talk about this being an anniversary time and she breaks out that I need to join a group of some kind. So we agreed that I would go to the local chess club that meets on Sunday and she would buy a chess set so I can teach her to play. Fucking weird she would let me teach her chess but not suicide prevention stuff that might actually fucking help me. I realized today that with her, it is just going to be therapy like the hospital where they teach you how to cope with whatever you are feeling rather than fucking talk about the fucking feeling. It is like redirection for adults. I feel stuck though as the therapist is good, she knows her stuff, but if she is just going to redirect my feelings to using cold water when I have them, what the fuck am I seeing her for? The day didn’t get better with psychopharm.

This nurse practitioner wanted to treat my symptoms with medication, even if that meant three medications. She wanted the anxiety with one med, sleep for another, and, not kidding, suicidality with another med. The med for suicidality is lithium. I know all about lithium. I also know it is toxic in large amounts. Very toxic. So why would I want to have a toxic substance in my possession when I am suicidal? Granted she will not be prescribing me large doses, just enough to have it in my system, but that isn’t how my brain thinks. I declined the lithium and the sleep med which was another blood pressure med. Jesus fucking christ. I have 3 meds that affect my blood pressure. I don’t need a fourth. God it made me miss my psych so fucking much. My psych never would push drugs on me. The meds the NP wanted to prescribe aren’t new. They all were generics and pretty old meds. The one for anxiety I won’t be taking again because I am so lethargic from it. Took it Wed night and was sleepy all day yesterday. Took another last night and was sleepy all day today. I barely left the bed except for bathroom breaks. I did have some thing to eat but nothing major. The NP went over my diagnosis. I said yeah I got bipolar but I don’t think I am. She asked if while decreasing the lamictal if I had symptoms of mania. I said no. She asked what does she think I have and I said major depressive disorder with psychotic features. She also wanted to increase the Invega and I said no. Fuck. Why can’t she just leave things as is? I have no problem with my meds. They don’t help my mood but I’ve known that for the past 20 years. I just need something for the psychosis and maybe for depression. I am on duloxetine and it is ok though after 3 weeks still no change in symptoms.

Yesterday around noon, my ankle went into a flare. I’m still in unbearable indescribable pain. I really wish I was fucking dead. Was going to end it today but ankle said nope. Pathetic I can’t even kill myself because I am in too much fucking pain. Hope this flare is gone by tomorrow. I didn’t have good sleep last night, despite that stupid pill for anxiety. I kept waking up every few minutes. I wanted to take lorazepam but I didn didn’t want to get up. It hurt too much to move. I was putting most of my weight in my right arm so it kept falling asleep or was just uuncomfortable. Think tonight I will have to put a pillow between my legs so my foot is a bit more even rather than cupping my other foot.

I also realized today that with my psych gone, no one is going to ask or be interested in my writing. I can still share what I write with my psych but if I don’t write, what is there to share. I feel so lost without her. Doesn’t look like she is going to come back into my life anytime soon. And I don’t like it.

memories are made of this

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Memories are made of this

I had therapy today. I asked her if meeting twice a week was just a one time thing this week or if this was how it will be going forward. She said we can talk about it if I felt I needed twice a week. I said I would think about it. I tried to get out of Wed meeting and though she had no objection to me canceling, I said I would keep the appointment. Some memories surfaced over the weekend because it is anniversary time. Around this time 16 years ago, I was raped by the girlfriend I was seeing at the time. It happened three times over the course of a couple months but started the end of Oct. I never really talked about it because I had other fish to fry and I didn’t think it was important. I felt like I would be blamed for letting it happen. The therapist has had other patients who have been raped so I am not the first. I just feel like I should have stopped it and not let it continue. The whole relationship was bad. I haven’t been with anyone since.

I started having a hard time dealing with the memories and feelings. I wanted to self-harm because other stuff happened too to stir up emotions to the point of them being overwhelming. I started to dissociate a bit and wanted to self-harm. I texted the therapist about seeing if talking to a hotline even though I wasn’t in crisis would be helpful and she gave me a rape one. It wasn’t helpful. I am still feeling a little dissociative. I don’t or rather can’t say that I won’t end up doing something. I don’t have sharp things by the bed and I guess it is good that my foot is flared up so I won’t get up trying to find something. I am so exhausted. I never thought someone that I loved could hurt me this way. The thing that bothers me is that this person told me she was raped and you would think they would be more mindful about doing it to someone else because they wouldn’t want someone else to go through that. I was wrong. She just didn’t care and she took out her anger on me in various ways. She was really trying to control me towards the end before I put a stop to the intimacy. Then she started seeing someone else, basically cheating on me and her husband. She was truly a piece of work. She tried to get back together with me but I didn’t fall for it. She is too manipulating and of course she got mad when I said no.

The therapist said we would work on stuff to deal with the memories next session, which will be Wed, if I don’t cancel. I am feeling really hopeless about anything helping me right now and I am trying to give her a chance before totally giving up. Though the way I feel now, it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change and I might as well just give up. Still on the fence on this idea.

unable to sleep due to anxiety

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Unable to sleep due to anxiety

I have been feeling anxious the past few hours. I took 0.5 mg of Ativan, which probably wasn’t the brightest idea as I usually take 1 mg. I started writing in my journal about why I was anxious, mostly because of my upcoming appointment with the therapist. I just don’t know if this is the start of twice a week sessions or just a one time thing of meeting twice a week. I am hoping to get out of Wed session but won’t know of that till Monday. Ugh. I don’t know why I am nervous other than the fact I don’t want to be cornered into sessions. I still am highly suicidal so on the one hand, it will be good to have therapy twice a week but on the other, I want to die so I don’t want to meet twice a week, hence the anxiety.

I have four appointments this week that are stressing me out. Three are mental health related and the other is for uro. I am nervous about that because I don’t know if I can talk openly about how this self cathing thing is making me feel. It is making me feel more disabled because I am falling apart physically and I don’t like it. I don’t like that I got to keep track of when was the last time I went pee all the time and the thought of putting on a timer or alarm to cath or try to pee just doesn’t appeal to me. So I am just drinking less than I normally would just so I don’t have to pee more than I should. I hate being in this place. This whole thing also has made the constipation worse. I really think because I am not using the muscles to empty my bladder which are the same muscles to have a bowel movement, my bowels have decided not to move so much, even with taking laxatives and stuff. I just can’t deal. No one understands and I don’t even know who to talk to about it. Just makes me feel more suicidal.

This salivary gland thing is not getting better like I thought it was. There is this pressure on my throat from the swelling. It’s not painful, just uncomfortable. I look like a pelican as I have a pouch of swelling under my jaw. It is making the muscles tense and it is so hard to relax. I guess I should take some more Ativan just to relax the muscles so I could possibly sleep tonight. I just emptied my bladder, which wasn’t much in there like I thought there would be. Hopefully I can sleep through the night because I really don’t want to be up all night like last night.

DDDAAAAAAAA YANKEES LOSE!!!!! I am so happy the Snakes choked again. The Houston Astros are going to the World Series with the Washington Nationals. I am rooting for the Nats to win the Series. This is the first time ever they have made it to the Series. I partly stayed up to see who would win as the top of the 9th, the snakes tied the ballgame. I was so happy the Astros won the bottom of the 9th with a homerun.

In addition to the four appointments I have this week, I also need to make four phone calls. One is to the uro’s office to make sure I have the right office I am going to. I got to ask the uro about why she wants me to see an occupational therapist. She told me she would refer me but I am not sure why I have to see one. Maybe when I tell her I have the hang of it, I won’t have to. I am sure it is up to me but other than them giving me tips on how to carry the stuff, I don’t think they can be of help unless they can suddenly let me grow a third hand. The other one I need to make is for my food stamps. I need to find out if paying for private insurance can count as an expense so I can increase the money I get per month. I am disabled so I might be able to have this new medical expense with the catheters on too as it’s like $50/mo for it.

My suicidal mood is up to planning a date again sometime soon. I can’t help but think about it because it just is what I want to fucking do. I don’t want to live to see my next birthday. My rebirthday is coming up next week. It will be two years living as G legally. I really love it and wish the rest of my transition could go through but unfortunately it can’t right now because of this fucking construction business. I found out a few weeks ago, it isn’t happening till April. Well, that is all well and good as I will be fucking gone by then. I don’t want to live to see my 44th birthday. I just don’t. I can’t stand living this way anymore, between being in pain every fucking day, being depressed, and now medically falling apart…it is just too much.