Category: chronic physical pain

New slippers and more pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

New slippers and more pain

I had to buy new slippers because the ones I have been wearing for almost three years now are worn out. They were my father’s. I put them in the box the slippers came in. These have more support than the old ones and are much softer, which is why my CRPS foot hated them. I am not sure it will get used to them. Some times the allodynia isn’t this bad. I am still in a sort of flare so hoping when the weather is back to above freezing, I won’t hurt so much with the top of my foot. It has been doing the sweating but staying dry and cold thing all day. It is driving me nuts. I would put a sock on but because it feels like it is sweating and is sensitive to materials right now, I don’t think it is a good idea. If it becomes a block of ice, I will have no choice.

I put through a couple prescriptions today and one of them was more than it was last month. I had to call my insurance to find out why and they said because the cost of the drug was low so it had to be charged a dispensary fee. Crooks. It is only a dollar more but if any of my other meds are more than that, I am screwed as I made sure to have enough money for meds this month. I have five meds I need a month that I cannot get through mail order. I am all set with my mail order meds at least through maybe April, I think because I had refilled them all the end of December. Last year they didn’t cost me much for a 90 day supply and I hoping for the same this year. But the 5 I get at the pharmacy all have different fill dates so I have to remember to have the cash for them. I am hoping my T dose will increase when I see the doc on Friday, which means getting a new script for it. I budgeted for it but if she say gives me two vials, I am screwed because I just budgeted for one. All tricky trying to remember this shit only because I am an impulsive buyer and will spend when I think I have enough when in reality I really don’t. Thanks Bipolar Disorder! I wish one of my checks took into account the cost of living like SSD but it doesn’t so I just have a fixed amount every month. I buy little things when I know I can afford them. I really need to stop it but I can’t help it. I see something, I want it.

I bought an OTG (on the go) thing and didn’t realize my phone wasn’t compatible with it. And because my brother in law took down the recycle, I no longer have the packaging it came with so can’t return it. I am not going dumpster diving for it either. Too fucking cold out. I thought it was a neat thing. Maybe when I eventually upgrade my phone it will have this feature. I might end up selling it for whatever. I don’t know. I am too tired to think about that right now. It was like 8 bucks so not a huge loss.

I hope I can sleep tonight as I slept late today. My med alarm went off and then I went back to sleep, which hasn’t happened in a long while. I took Benadryl before I went to sleep last night so I was kind of still hung over. I need to read Harry today. I haven’t been able to read since Sunday I think. I hate when pain ruins my reading rhythm. Harry is the only book I can read on a daily basis or close to it. But once I stop, seems I just forget about the book and it will be a while till I pick it up again. If I can get another book in this month, that would be good. I am doing another reading challenge. I know I shouldn’t but otherwise, I don’t think I will read the books I buy.

A couple of months ago, I had a problem with my music where, after Amazon told me to uninstall/reinstall their app, I thought I lost music. Turns out, I didn’t. And in downloading all the songs that Amazon app had lost, I created duplicates of the songs. It turned out that the app I was using just wasn’t showing the music on my phone! So I junked it, which I hated doing because I had paid for the no ads thing. I went through different apps and found one that was kind of good. Only thing that sucks is that I needed to remake my playlists. One playlist, rock, had a lot of songs on it as I just downloaded whole albums or artist in. I couldn’t remember who it was and then there are songs I didn’t want. The nice thing about this new app that I have been using is that once you delete a song from the playlist, it is gone unlike the app I paid for. So I just created my Mary Chapin Carpenter playlist. I got distracted and put one of her albums in the wrong list. UGH. I had to redo it. There are two albums of hers that I do not want in my playlist because they are the same songs as her previous albums so I didn’t want duplicates. In her latest album, Sometimes just the Sky, it has some of her previous songs but recorded differently. The album is okay and I do like it but there is one song that I do not like, even though she does, LOL.

So today is day 140 of my transition. I posted yesterday my update but thought I would do here as it has been a while. I might make this a short post for those that are following so be ready for a duplicate, lol. Things are still the same. The only thing I have to report is that the hair on my chin is growing in more finely than before. Also, I shave my head. It used to be that I would have to keep up with it daily or up to three days. Now it is daily or every other. My hair is growing really fast and pretty soon I am going to need to seriously budget barber expenses to put my barber’s kids through college, lol. I keep a military cut and even though I got it cut last week, it is the length I had it before seeing him. So I will have to work out something with my barber to get haircuts on months I can’t afford to see him. I tried cutting my own hair and it was a disaster so not doing that again! I need to shave before I lose the lines where I am supposed to shave. It is tricky in the back because I can’t see but I can feel where I need to and if I goof up, a few days time is all I need for it to regrow.

There have been no other changes. My voice is still in and out at times. My family hasn’t noticed a change but that might be because I am around them all the time. Hoping with increase in dose, that won’t be the case. I really look forward to the day I come downstairs with stubble on my face and my voice like a man’s. HAHA shock my mother day!

Tuesday 29 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tuesday 29 Jan 19

I had a rotten night. I was in a lot of severe pain and my mood sucked really bad so the suicidal part of me came out. I was talking to a guy on Twitter that said I had to watch this spiritual video and then say Jesus to be helped. I find all the crackpots. If he reads this, sorry buddy, you aren’t my cup of tea! I didn’t have a response to anyone last night except my CRPS group but they were all the same like me, wanting to cut their limbs off. It was nice to be able to share these things without people getting all horrified. Like when you talk about suicide and they freak out. I really hate that and do anything to stop the conversation.

I woke up when my med alarm went off, which was about 4 hours after I fell asleep. I didn’t sleep laying down but kind of in a reclining position. I had a stiff neck because my neck was hanging instead of being supported. I then got rid of the pillow that was supporting my knees and just when I got all nice and comfy to go back to sleep, my bladder had to use the bathroom. Fucking asshole. I was pissed. My mother was up and was noisy as all hell. I was getting mad and didn’t go into the kitchen. I did my business and then went upstairs. I took some Neurontin, Ativan, and benedryl after sending an email to my psychiatrist about whether or not my PCP would be receptive to talking about pain management again. She never responded, which means she either didn’t have time to answer or didn’t want to answer. I ended up emailing the chickenshit because my bones were hurting me. I don’t remember the time I mailed him but it is now well after 4 pm so I doubt I will get a response. My high ankle bones are hurting really bad and the last time this happened, which happened to be last week, the pain traveled down to my lower ankle and foot bones. ALL OF THEM! I was delirious from lack of sleep so I just laughed. I honestly never experienced that before so I didn’t know what to do about it. Because he didn’t answer, I ended up taking a pain pill, which means I will be short tomorrow because I just am in so much pain with the weather being a dick. Tomorrow is going to snow and then turn to rain. Then the temps are going to plummet. So ya, pain storm ahead! I kind of am anticipating pain but what I am to do about it, I have no fucking clue! I am beyond pissed I have no help from the doctors. I have to rely on just so hokey pokey shit and hope it works. Most of the time though, I am just trying to distract. I will go on Facebook or Twitter or YouTube and just scroll through. I sometimes watch the videos because after someone posts one, there is a list of more after it. And they are usually more fun to watch then the one posted. I found a lot of baby ones one night. It was so cute! They were being so funny especially the twins.

I really want to make a cup of tea and have sugar cookies but not sure that will cause me pain. I got to take my night meds soon and I am really tired. I should be sleeping but I am fighting it. I just keep expecting bone pain because I keep having the high ankle bone hurting me. My foot is buzzing so that isn’t good either. So if I can sleep, I better get to it.

Ambling swears continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

am still around. Haven’t looked at saws on Amazon, yet. Foot is acting up and my mother is being noisy as hell. Fuck! Had a rough night sleeping. I am tired as fuck. Bowels are exploding. No idea why. Just took meds to sleep the day away. Don’t care because my alternative isn’t pretty. I am sick of being in pain 24/7. Just fucking shoot me now. I can’t go on like this and the weather is going to be painful as hell. So this is how my morning is going. Back in the gutter. Putting plan in motion when I wake up. So tired of insomnia, no pun intended. Ok enough rambling, for now

Happy Fucking Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Happy Fucking Monday (*** warning more swears throughout rest of blog***)

So I had shit sleep. I didn’t go to bed till after 330. I think I last looked at my phone to check the time and it said 349. What time I actually fell asleep, who knows. Needless to say that when my med alarm went off I wanted to chuck my phone against the wall. I just checked to see if I actually took my meds and I missed a Lamictal. Oh well. Least I took the majority of them. My alarm to get up went off and I grudgedly sat up and checked the messages on my phone. As I did so and hating the fact I had to leave the house in a bit to go to my therapy appointment I didn’t want to keep, my mother starts screaming my name at the top of her lungs. WTF does she want? A call came through on her line asking for me that was “computer related”. UGH I told her to have them call my cell. Both feet were killing me in the short few steps to the bedroom door to scream at her this message.

A few moments later in my bad mood, the idiot calls me. He had an Indian accent and said they were trying to get access to my computer as “they couldn’t get the signal” and they needed to send an important “security patch”. At this point I became sarcastic as fuck saying really? Are you calling from Dell? No, Microsoft. Oh Microsoft? Wow. That sounds really important. I said you are full of shit. He then says “no we are legit. I can send you our license number.” I said you can send to 800- I don’t fucking believe you! And hung up. Fucking dickwad. I was hurting so bad but had to get ready for this appointment I didn’t want to go to. I went downstairs for some coffee after deciding fuck the bus I’d take a cab as I wasn’t going to Uber. I wasn’t going to be driving all around town picking up other people before my destination for $4. I’d pay the $12 for a single way of getting to where I want to go.

When I got downstairs, I told my mother it was a scammer and the next time hang up. She gave the “I don’t know”. I told her I NEVER give her number out so they wouldn’t be calling you, they would call my cell. She doesn’t fucking think. UGH!!!! I had my coffee and a couple of cookies. Then I thought I better eat something more so I am not hungry later. I made a roast beef sandwich and I think I forgot to put back the stuff. I didn’t care. I then decided I better put on the fucking lace brace. My mother had redone it but I still had to take the top laces out to put it on. My mother blamed the swelling. Fuck. There is no swelling the thing is made to be fucking tight! I put the thing on and then had her help me lace it up as I couldn’t move to see where the holes were. Just as we are doing this, she get a call from her doctor’s office and the line is staticky so she goes to the kitchen line. Fucking fuck. I am still in my pajamas and the cab is going to be here in 20 minutes. I fucking did the best I could with the damn fucking thing and went up to my room to get dressed. I was going to wear jeans and a button down shirt but fuck it. I decided sweatpants and sweatshirt as it was cold out.
Went downstairs to put my shoes on with the other brace for my left foot. I chatted with my sister. My new pens came. They are so pretty! I love them. I don’t care much about the mechanical pencil but it was 50% off so who the fuck cares. That made my day somewhat.

I went to therapy and no fucking lie, the dipshit told me to Google relaxation techniques for my PTSD/”anxiety” for the trouble I am having going to sleep. I am afraid to lay down to go to sleep because I don’t want my foot to go berserk. What the fuck am I paying him for if I have to Google shit?? I was so fucking mad. I decided to walk to the train rather than take an Uber. A guy that smelled like piss and shit got on the bus ride home. It was a pleasant ride. But it wasn’t over. I still had to go to Walgreens for my dear mother. There was no prescription ready for her so I walked all over the store for nothing. My foot loved that. I went to the register and decided to get the stamps she wanted. The girl was knew and didn’t know how to price check. FUCKING FUCK. Her trainer had gone off to help another customer. So I waited. The trainer didn’t know about the stamps (price had gone up but still rung up as old price) so I paid the old price as they couldn’t figure the fucking thing out. My feet were ready to divorce me at this point. I was in so much fucking pain. The brace was tight and I needed to get it off.

Came home and went upstairs to my room to change. I was getting settled after wrestling the damn brace off my foot when my damn fucking bladder said it had to go. Fucking little bitch couldn’t tell me when I was downstairs. So I go and then ask my mother if a package came for me (the one that Amazon said they delivered but really didn’t). No package so I went back upstairs and my right foot is so bloody angry right now. I am ready to look on Amazon for chainsaws. My mother is making dinner and wanted my help and I said no because I can’t stand. I am hurting too much thanks to you waking me up and have me racing to the bedroom door for a fucking scammer! She is hurting but I don’t care. I went out and did shit, she has been home all day. So happy fucking Monday. Can’t wait for Friday’s double header with doctor appointments.