Category: chronic physical pain

memories are made of this

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Memories are made of this

I had therapy today. I asked her if meeting twice a week was just a one time thing this week or if this was how it will be going forward. She said we can talk about it if I felt I needed twice a week. I said I would think about it. I tried to get out of Wed meeting and though she had no objection to me canceling, I said I would keep the appointment. Some memories surfaced over the weekend because it is anniversary time. Around this time 16 years ago, I was raped by the girlfriend I was seeing at the time. It happened three times over the course of a couple months but started the end of Oct. I never really talked about it because I had other fish to fry and I didn’t think it was important. I felt like I would be blamed for letting it happen. The therapist has had other patients who have been raped so I am not the first. I just feel like I should have stopped it and not let it continue. The whole relationship was bad. I haven’t been with anyone since.

I started having a hard time dealing with the memories and feelings. I wanted to self-harm because other stuff happened too to stir up emotions to the point of them being overwhelming. I started to dissociate a bit and wanted to self-harm. I texted the therapist about seeing if talking to a hotline even though I wasn’t in crisis would be helpful and she gave me a rape one. It wasn’t helpful. I am still feeling a little dissociative. I don’t or rather can’t say that I won’t end up doing something. I don’t have sharp things by the bed and I guess it is good that my foot is flared up so I won’t get up trying to find something. I am so exhausted. I never thought someone that I loved could hurt me this way. The thing that bothers me is that this person told me she was raped and you would think they would be more mindful about doing it to someone else because they wouldn’t want someone else to go through that. I was wrong. She just didn’t care and she took out her anger on me in various ways. She was really trying to control me towards the end before I put a stop to the intimacy. Then she started seeing someone else, basically cheating on me and her husband. She was truly a piece of work. She tried to get back together with me but I didn’t fall for it. She is too manipulating and of course she got mad when I said no.

The therapist said we would work on stuff to deal with the memories next session, which will be Wed, if I don’t cancel. I am feeling really hopeless about anything helping me right now and I am trying to give her a chance before totally giving up. Though the way I feel now, it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change and I might as well just give up. Still on the fence on this idea.

unable to sleep due to anxiety

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Unable to sleep due to anxiety

I have been feeling anxious the past few hours. I took 0.5 mg of Ativan, which probably wasn’t the brightest idea as I usually take 1 mg. I started writing in my journal about why I was anxious, mostly because of my upcoming appointment with the therapist. I just don’t know if this is the start of twice a week sessions or just a one time thing of meeting twice a week. I am hoping to get out of Wed session but won’t know of that till Monday. Ugh. I don’t know why I am nervous other than the fact I don’t want to be cornered into sessions. I still am highly suicidal so on the one hand, it will be good to have therapy twice a week but on the other, I want to die so I don’t want to meet twice a week, hence the anxiety.

I have four appointments this week that are stressing me out. Three are mental health related and the other is for uro. I am nervous about that because I don’t know if I can talk openly about how this self cathing thing is making me feel. It is making me feel more disabled because I am falling apart physically and I don’t like it. I don’t like that I got to keep track of when was the last time I went pee all the time and the thought of putting on a timer or alarm to cath or try to pee just doesn’t appeal to me. So I am just drinking less than I normally would just so I don’t have to pee more than I should. I hate being in this place. This whole thing also has made the constipation worse. I really think because I am not using the muscles to empty my bladder which are the same muscles to have a bowel movement, my bowels have decided not to move so much, even with taking laxatives and stuff. I just can’t deal. No one understands and I don’t even know who to talk to about it. Just makes me feel more suicidal.

This salivary gland thing is not getting better like I thought it was. There is this pressure on my throat from the swelling. It’s not painful, just uncomfortable. I look like a pelican as I have a pouch of swelling under my jaw. It is making the muscles tense and it is so hard to relax. I guess I should take some more Ativan just to relax the muscles so I could possibly sleep tonight. I just emptied my bladder, which wasn’t much in there like I thought there would be. Hopefully I can sleep through the night because I really don’t want to be up all night like last night.

DDDAAAAAAAA YANKEES LOSE!!!!! I am so happy the Snakes choked again. The Houston Astros are going to the World Series with the Washington Nationals. I am rooting for the Nats to win the Series. This is the first time ever they have made it to the Series. I partly stayed up to see who would win as the top of the 9th, the snakes tied the ballgame. I was so happy the Astros won the bottom of the 9th with a homerun.

In addition to the four appointments I have this week, I also need to make four phone calls. One is to the uro’s office to make sure I have the right office I am going to. I got to ask the uro about why she wants me to see an occupational therapist. She told me she would refer me but I am not sure why I have to see one. Maybe when I tell her I have the hang of it, I won’t have to. I am sure it is up to me but other than them giving me tips on how to carry the stuff, I don’t think they can be of help unless they can suddenly let me grow a third hand. The other one I need to make is for my food stamps. I need to find out if paying for private insurance can count as an expense so I can increase the money I get per month. I am disabled so I might be able to have this new medical expense with the catheters on too as it’s like $50/mo for it.

My suicidal mood is up to planning a date again sometime soon. I can’t help but think about it because it just is what I want to fucking do. I don’t want to live to see my next birthday. My rebirthday is coming up next week. It will be two years living as G legally. I really love it and wish the rest of my transition could go through but unfortunately it can’t right now because of this fucking construction business. I found out a few weeks ago, it isn’t happening till April. Well, that is all well and good as I will be fucking gone by then. I don’t want to live to see my 44th birthday. I just don’t. I can’t stand living this way anymore, between being in pain every fucking day, being depressed, and now medically falling apart…it is just too much.

outside looking in

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Outside looking in

Last week, I wasn’t feeling well. Each day I was feeling more and more sluggish and sleepy than the day before. Monday I used the bathroom and noticed some swelling under my chin that was not there before. It felt really hard. I didn’t want to go back to see a doctor nor did I want to spend time in the ED again. I had finished the antibiotics for the urine infection I had so I am thinking there is no way I could have another one. I was wrong. I went to urgent care and sure enough, my salivary gland under my chin was infected. The PA (physician assistant) wasn’t sure if it was bacterial or viral so put me on antibiotics with a referral to an ENT. I was supposed to meet up with friends but I felt like shit and had to cancel. I went home after picking up my antibiotics and went to sleep.

Next day I was to see my TG doc. My mood really sucked that day. I just wanted to be in bed. I still felt like crap but I had to get my T shot and discuss the transition with my doc. It went okay. I had my shot and then I figure I would just go home and sleep. I couldn’t. Pain hit and I was again suicidal. I texted the therapist when I got home saying that I was struggling. We talked for a bit and she made sure I wasn’t going to act on my thoughts. I said I wouldn’t today. Wed morning she texted me asking how I was. I told her pretty much the same as last night. Wed was a really bad day. I was in such a rotten mood. Pain was hitting me because of the storm that was coming. I wanted to ended it that day but it was supposed to be raining. It wasn’t so I was pissed as I didn’t get up till after 12 to know this (room is dark as I have window with a darkening curtain). I didn’t do much that day. I just stayed in bed. That night, as is now becoming my usual, I woke up between 2 and 3 am to empty my bladder. My ankle was hurting so fricken bad. I sent off a text to the therapist that if the weather was formidable, I was going to end it either today or tomorrow. I was done. I had scheduled texted it so I could delete it if I wanted to before it sent. I woke up around 815 or so yesterday and was going through stuff. I was so fucking depressed but the wind was really howling and it sounded nasty out. I was on the fence on whether I would go through with it or not. The text was sent and I used the bathroom. I came upstairs and there was a missed call from some Boston number. They left a message and it was the therapist. We chatted and she wanted to send an ambulance for me. I had her talk to my niece and she disposed of the ginger I was going to use. I was then to see the therapist later.

I was really nervous as I didn’t want to go back to the hospital. I got some coffee and went on my way into Boston. We talked and things went well. She was open, really open, to what I was telling her and how I wanted to talk about being suicidal. She wanted me to come in Monday. I really didn’t want to but I was afraid to say no as she might say I would need to be in the hospital and I didn’t want that. We devised a way to convey to her when I am close to being suicidal again but not going to act on it within 24 hours. I don’t know if I will go through with this. I said I would but I am not sure I will in that moment. I wanted to go through with my plan today but I am just so damn exhausted. I was supposed to call ENT and all I did was call to make an appointment with the psychopharm, the new one I have that works with my pcp. The appointments were supposed to be 30 mins long but for some reason, I got booked an hour. I guess that is ok. I have the appointment on Wed. I am going to try and get out of therapy that day when I see the therapist on Monday.

I wasn’t sure I would be able to write about this today. I am still in a really bad place and the anhedonia is really bad. I have no joy doing anything anymore. Writing has become so hard for me. I haven’t written in my night journal in so long. I think I last wrote in it the week I got discharged from the hospital. I am overwhelmed with everything. This new stuff with my bladder hasn’t been easy as it is interfering with my sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and it just throws me off. Sometimes I can go back to sleep but it takes a while to get there. I am still losing weight because I am not eating. Yesterday all I had was a pumpkin scone. I was able to make a chicken sandwich today. It has been the only thing I have eaten. I just have no appetite the past few weeks. This whole new change with having to cath has really made me feel more depressed than I have ever felt. I also don’t have much support other than with my support group. I finally was able to have peace with my middle sister as she was freaking out about the disposal of the caths. I can’t deal with anything else medically going wrong this year and the stupid salivary gland thing was my last straw. I don’t want to see another new specialist this year. I know I need to because the swelling is still there despite being on antibiotics. I do feel better physically but not 100%. It could just be that I have another urine infection. I haven’t figured out how to get a urine specimen while cathing as I need a third hand. I bought some sterile bowls. I hope then I can just collect the urine there and then pour it into a cup.

I shaved and showered today, though not my face. I have been growing whiskers on my face so I let it go and then when I can’t stand it anymore, I shave it off. I haven’t been great at showering this week. I seem to go once a week, if that. I just don’t have the energy to do it. It exhausts me trying to wash up and dry off, especially with whatever is going on. The TG doc did a blood count so my white counts are within norms. I still feel yucky despite this. I need to change my sheets this weekend. If I don’t wake up at 3 am again, I might do it tomorrow. It needs to get done.

in the abyss with the black dog 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In the abyss with the black dog 2

Someone left a comment on my blog and I didn’t realize I left out how I felt when I wrote that blog. So I am writing this again using the same title as I feel it is most appropriate. I sometimes get off target when I start with a title. I can sometimes get lost in the telling of my events that I forget to mention how I feel.

I am struggling emotionally right now because pain has become really bad. I also am having a hard time adjusting to keeping track of my bladder and how much I drink. I am becoming so stressed, the thing with my vocal cord muscles are tightening up again. I am finding it hard to talk, especially with my hard of hearing mother. I have to basically yell for her to hear me. I just have been feeling so down and out. I feel like there is a black cloud following me once again. I was hoping going on the duloxetine would help. It’s been a week and other than some minor pain relief, I am getting no relief from the depression. The doc told me if in two weeks I see no change to increase the dose. It really takes longer than two weeks to see a change with antidepressants.

I know my sister is causing me stress because she continues to not understand my current medical situation about the self-cathing. I just can’t deal with her ignorance. I think that is also tensing up the vocal muscles. I hope I don’t lose my voice again.

I still have been having these sleep attacks where I need my pillow. I feel lightheaded and need to lay down. I sometimes fall asleep. Other times I am just laying down resting. I don’t know if I have a bug or what. I just feel really tired, more so than usual. It could just be stress, which has been growing for a while now. I just don’t know what to do about it as coffee doesn’t really help me to stay awake. I was able to shower today, hoping it would wake me up but it just exhausted me. My ankle has been hurting me all fricken day so maybe pain is causing me to be so fricken tired. I still need to do my med boxes for the week. I am just about ready to give up on things. I just can’t seem to find a point in going on. I want to end this miserable existence. Maybe this will be the week I do.