Category: CRPS

In a grumpy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder, transgender

I’m in the hospital. I’ve been here since Thursday. The depression and grief were just so overwhelming that I didn’t want to live anymore. So before things progressed to a bad place, I got evaluated. Sleep has been an issue so we are working on that while I am here.

I had a difficult night sleeping. For some reason dreams hurt my head and give me severe headaches. Not fun waking up to them. My foot also flared up (CRPS) around 0530 so I had to take pain meds. Then I was pretty much up and didn’t go back to sleep. My BP and heart rate were up this morning. I’m not surprised. I have been working with a friendly LGBTQ nurse the past few days. She had to give me my T shot today and they ordered it for the glut muscle. She was good. The only thing that hurt was the pinch of the needle.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today, all caffeinated. Has not helped my headache. Hoping tylenol will. I have been using diclofenac gel for my knees and it has helped so much. I haven’t been doing stairs so still not sure if that is a problem for me. At home, stairs would hurt my knees going down. Going up, not so much. I do stairs a lot when home because my room is above the living area.

I hope to be going out today for some fresh air. One of the MHS’s will be taking me. Depending on how well she knows the hospital, I might give some history. I did the last time I went out. It was cool for me to speak about it. When I leave, I want to take some pics of the current construction so I can remember how the Bulfinch is right now. I love that building so much. It was built by my favorite architect, Charles Bulfinch. He has a place in Rockport that I really would love to see. The place is I think 1.5 miles from the commuter rail stop, which is too far for me to walk right now. I might take an Uber if I go this summer.

I went to a webinar yesterday. CAMS care hosted Dr. Thomas Joiner and his theory of Interpersonal Theory of Suicide. It was very interesting. I learned a lot and got my wheels turning. I might write about his theory in a future blog. He is coming out with a new book in Jan/Feb and I can’t wait to read it.

There is another pt here who is trans. I am glad I got to meet them. I hope we can stay friends after the hospital.

I am tired. I hope today goes OK. Also hope this fog I am in dissipates. I am going to try sumatriptan to see if it helps this headache. Could be migraine activity as it has gone on for a few days now. I just feel shitty. I went outside and it is nice out. Hot but a dry heat. Not too humid.

therapy black out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy black out

Trigger warning sexual abuse talk

I had therapy today and in the middle of it, my power goes out. I had to use my hotspot to connect but because I was in the dark, I didn’t turn the camera on. UGH. We were talking about trauma and specifically my mother’s abuse towards me. She sexually abused me from the time I was young, like age 2 to 13. She always had to look at my genitals or breasts. Now that I have been cathing for a while, I still have flashbacks to when she touches me when I touch myself. In my pediatric records, the doctor notes that my “vagina was closing” according to my mother but I wonder if it was really my urethra as it is in my vaginal opening. I’ve had a few UTI’s growing up and I wonder if it is because my mother stuck things in there. I also had a trauma medical procedure done to me when I was five. I had to be restrained physically and chemically for the doctor to do the procedure. All I remember is that I was screaming for my mother to get me, to comfort me, and when she didn’t come, I felt abandoned. I hated my mother for not being there. It was then that I started hearing voices.

Today’s WordPrompt from WordPress is transition. I was talking about my transition today with my therapist as my mother misgendered me, again. It invalidates me and makes me think my transition is not worth it. As I will always be seen as a “daughter” to her rather than a son. She thinks she owns me. I haven’t told her that I will be having top surgery yet. I want to make sure the insurance is going to cover it. I don’t want to tell her and then it not happen. It is five months away anyways. I am hoping that I can have it sooner but I got to know insurance will cover it first.

I am going for blood work this week so asked my pcp if they also need a urine sample because my test strip for home testing tested positive for white cells. I don’t know if my bladder is still inflamed or what. It still hurts though and even though I am starting the estrogen cream tonight, it could be a month before it has an effect. I was going to start last night but I got too tired to put it on. I was going to put it on after my last cath for the night but I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfy.

I woke up a couple of time during the night to pee and I was on the same schedule as my mother as every time I had to go pee so did she. I might have to hide the benzoyl peroxide I bought as I found it on the sink rather than in the cabinet. The last tube I bought was used by family members. I never had a chance to use it because it was used up before I could or it went missing on me. I have a breakout of zits right now and need to use it. For fuck’s sake, I bought it with my money and the shit is not cheap. Pisses me off that someone keeps using my acne products.

I wanted to make a zucchini chicken stir fry for supper but my ankle and foot are hurting me too much. My mother is just going to make the chicken with salt and pepper for me. I just realized I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning. I never made lunch like I had wanted to. Therapy just got me so upset.

Chronic illness and disability causes grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

This was posted in the CRPS and RSD group on FB.

CHRONIC ILLNESS and DISABILITY causes GRIEF: by: Angela Piccolotti

No one tells you that you will grieve when you become disabled and/or chronically ill. Grief is expected when a loved one dies but you don’t expect it when you experience a chronic illness or disability.

The process is the same. You go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to our new reality. The feelings are the same. The only difference is that instead of a loved one dying, it’s like you’ve died. Your life’s hopes, dreams, and plans are dead. Who you were and who you wanted to become are gone. Everything you used to be. All forever changed.

You break your own heart over and over again because you have hope of a restored body and life but no matter what you do you can’t achieve them.

It’s like you’ve died, but still you’re still breathing and you still have a pulse. You’re a ghost in your own life, a shell of your former self. You are haunted by your old self, your old life, your old hopes and dreams, your former health, all you used to be and all you used to be able to do. You remember everything you’ve lost. It’s heartbreaking!

You feel like you’re just taking up space. You feel so worthless. You can no longer DO. You can only sit by idle as life goes on without you being able to participate in it. It’s agonizingly painful!

feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping

I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.

I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.

I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.

I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.