Category: mental illness

blah 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Mood has shifted just a little bit but I still have not left the house for anything. I just feel like my world is coming to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. Least today the numbness wore off just a little bit to let some feelings in so I can write a bit.

Got a bunch of paperwork, one for the group therapy place and the other from my long term disability place. Each packet is like twenty pages. I have my work cut out for me. Though I hardly have the energy to do it. I still need to get my taxes done. I keep saying tomorrow and tomorrow comes and goes. I feel weighed down though I don’t know from what.

I stopped taking the birth control pill last night to hurry things up. I figure there is no point taking them for the rest of the week if I am just going to stop them anyway. I’m kind of scared because I don’t know what kind of havoc this is going to place on me mentally. So far there has been no change in my menses and thankfully I don’t have any cramps. But the wearing of female products I still killing me. I just have gotten so used to not having a menstrual cycle that now it just feels so overwhelming. It’s making me so depressed and suicidal that all I can think about is ending my life because I don’t want to go through with this. That is what my suicidality is truly about. Not being able to cope with my false identity. And I am really pissed off that no one really cares except for my therapist. She is kind of freaked out right now as my mood is unpredictable. I know my friend that I have been writing with is kind of worried too though she is pretending she is not. I just don’t have many people to talk to about this. I feel that it’s too much information or just to hard to try and explain.

I just don’t know if I will be ok during this period. I know my shrink is worried since my post the beginning of the week. I still want to cut but the feeling come and go. I haven’t yet but that doesn’t mean I won’t. I hate that I love walking about in t-shirts all the time. If I start wearing long sleeve shirts my family might notice something off. Cutting is a huge thing to cover up. I used to not care when I was a teen, but now that I am an adult it still is kind of hard to cover up when you have a 7 yr old that smells band aids a mile a way.

Ramblings 26

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today my story about my attempt was posted on another site. I had positive feedback from it but I am kind of worried not everyone will be so positive. I still am nervous about a lifetime commitment somewhere.

For about a month now I have had a cough that won’t go away. I see my PCP on Wednesday for pain issues so I will bring it up then. I just hope that I don’t have to go on antibiotics as this thing isn’t clearing up on its own so I might have to. I hate taking antibiotics. Because I take so many meds, it’s sometimes difficult to pick on that won’t interact with the others. And I am pretty picky about which one I can take versus those that I have problems with. Class called Cephalosporins will do nothing for me. Cipro works ok but a Z-pak won’t do anything. It will just cause the infection to recur a few weeks later.

I took a shower and brushed my teeth today. I was too lazy to go out today. I wanted to but just couldn’t find enough energy to get dressed. I watched some TV but didn’t watch my Bones. I just can’t seem to sit long enough to.

Been thinking about my ex today. My MP3 shuffle played our song or rather the CD that I made her and made me think of her. I often wonder what she is doing and what she is up to but I can’t go back to her. We broke up because I couldn’t stand how she was not taking care of herself anymore. She was being blasé about her medical condition and it bothered me that she refused to seek help or medication to control it. Plus she has a little one at home with disabilities that I was fearful she was going to have a seizure and be out of it with her daughter around. Didn’t sound like I was going to get through her head so I just broke it off with her. Let her find someone else that cares and lives closer (she was also 90 miles away from me so it wasn’t going to work out).

My leg has been bothering me since last night but there is a big snow storm coming this way. Just what I need. I hate the snow and ice. Temps are supposed to drop to single digits after the storm so it’s going to get cold, supposedly. I generally have the believe of I’ll believe it when I see it.

Pain has been minimal so far but I am sure it will get worse as this storm rolls through. I know that much because I wouldn’t be in pain if it was nothing. I’m just a human barometer. What I am debating is taking my pain meds now or waiting closer to bed time. But I think I am going to take my big gun med as this pain has been going on for more than 24 hrs and the small guns haven’t touch it.

Listening to Carrie Underwood. Love her voice. And her song “Wine after Whiskey” is touching me right now. Guess it’s left over ex stuff…

Ramblings 25

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Not been feeling good today. Back has been bothering me and so has my stomach. Seems like no matter what I eat lately, I get indigestion. I just took some Mylanta, the Walgreens equivalent as the real Mylanta hasn’t been on the market for quite sometime.

I got my haircut at my cousin’s house tonight. I had to get my haircut because it was getting too long. It’s been at least two months since my last cut. I like to keep my hair short and buzzed close at the sides and back. I wanted to take a shower afterwards but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I just washed my hair and that was it.

I was supposed to go out tonight but the Bruins are playing and I didn’t feel like going to a bar. I just don’t like loud places anyways.

Person from my long term disability company called me yesterday to check in. I don’t know what to say to her. I still have pain but it has been minimal because I no longer leave the house anymore. I might go out three days tops, and that is only if I really feel like going out for a coffee. Today I went out and now my ankle is thanking me with pain. I just can’t win. And what if she asks me about my mental health. I will just say yea I think about killing myself nearly everyday and wish every night before going to sleep that I don’t wake up. I just can’t face another day of nothingness. I haven’t been taking care of myself, more now so than before I got the disability. I shower maybe twice a week if that. I don’t do housework, though my mother now needs help with it. I’m not sure how I can help her as I can’t really be on my feet for too long.
It sucks having Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I’m lucky it likes the cold as the temperature has dropped to the twenties. I cannot tolerate the heat anymore. I like to be warm but not too warm. Sometimes I can’t even have the sheet on my feet/leg it bothers me so bad. But at least the swelling has gone down some though I still have a lump in my leg where it shouldn’t be. I so want to excise it. But I have been told that I might cause more damage if I excise than leaving it alone. I’m just glad that the voices haven’t been around telling me to excise it. I would have to go back to the hospital. I am taking my antipsychotic med. I have to take it every other day or else I become delusional and psychotic. It has been helping with the paranoia that I had when I was on a crowded bus or train. Now I can be around people without freaking out that they are going to kill me. How fun it is having Schizoaffective disorder or as my therapist calls it just bipolar disorder with psychosis. Apparently I don’t have the “positive” features of the Schizoaffective part.

I haven’t been hospitalized for almost six months. That’s good but I have been feeling like I should be in. I just can’t take living my life anymore but then I know I won’t really get the help I need. Most hospitals don’t have time for individual work and so lump you in with a group of treaters to talk for 15 minutes of the day. Then it’s back to the ward doing nothing but arts and crafts all fucking day, least until dinner time. The groups they have are useless. On a good day you might get psychotherapy group. I like that group, I can get something out of it. I should make an effort to go to an outpatient group therapy but of course I have no motivation or inclination to do so. I think it might break up the monotony of the day but that would mean leaving the house at least once a week. I was thinking of going to a LGBT group to be more comfortable. And maybe help with the transitioning of things but I don’t think you can do that in a group. I don’t know, maybe next week I will call. Or have my therapist call to find out more information about it. It will be local so I wouldn’t have to travel too far. I just am afraid I might not be able to walk to the center because it is too far from the T stop. There isn’t a bus that goes by and the closest train stop is more than a few blocks away. Difficult for someone with mobility issues. Course I could take a cab but that is just wasting money to me but maybe it is something to think about. But that is if I get “accepted” into the group to begin with.

why i think about suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Suicide is the ultimate escape. The place you can go to when all seems and feels hopeless. I often think about killing myself at least twice a day or more if I am feeling really hurt and hopeless. Pain is another reason I think about suicide. Pain can be either physical or mental for me. Mostly these days it’s mental. I do not like myself. I loathe myself to the degree I would rather be dead than live this way. I hate the way I look. I hate the way my body is. I am ugly and disgusting and no one can tell me otherwise. My therapist says that I have a form of body dysmorphic disorder because I loathe myself so much. It’s just another reason to kill myself. Another reason to end my life.
Yet despite all this loathing and self-hating and pain, I’m still alive. I’ve come up with a date to end my life. I have decided that 38 years of living is long enough, or close to it anyways. I try not to think about it I try to think of now and live but its just too damn hard when you have to force yourself to breathe everyday. Sure the lungs work automatically but to actually breathe freely without this elephant sitting on your chest, that is what I am talking about. I used to say weight on the chest but what is that exactly. Not very accurate visually. Unless you have been to a gym and know what a weight is and looks like, most people don’t know. An elephant is easier to visualize and imagine better.
Right now I am at a café in a bookstore in Harvard Square. I bet no one knows that I am suicidal. They just see a guy writing in a notebook, drinking a lime soda. That what kills me. The invisibility of it all. These thoughts are mine and mine alone, unless I speak of it like I am doing now. No one knows. No friend or family member knows except my therapist and psychiatrist. Sometimes guilt will make me not want to commit suicide. I feel bad because I have worked with these caregivers for more than a decade. MY psychiatrist I have worked with for almost two decades. Yet I don’t but do care how they will react to my suicide. Will their attitudes change? Will they refuse to see other clients who are suicidal? Most will.
My therapist keeps saying I am the exception not the rule. But I am tired of living in constant misery. Misery that only the blog world knows about. I can’t share my misery with others because I have become so ingrained to keep it to myself. I keep it to myself so as not to worry my friends and family members. They wouldn’t understand anyways. My family is not one of openness. I am not blaming them for how I turned out. I don’t blame anyone but myself for my suicidal thoughts. It’s my fault. Maybe if I got help sooner I wouldn’t be this way but that is doubtful, it took me twelve years of therapy to realize what the root of my suicidality was. I was suicidal since I was eight years old. It wasn’t because I was abused (although I have been by multiple family members) but not at that ago. Suicide just came to me at that ago and has been with me ever since. I didn’t like myself back then anymore than I do now. But it was because of reasons I had not thought of. Reasons I could not articulate like I can now as an adult. I realized I was a girl and I didn’t like it. I developed into one an hated it. But I couldn’t say anything to anyone, not even my best friend from childhood because back then you just didn’t say what you felt or what you thought. I would have fallen on deaf ears and it’s not like psychiatry/psychology is like it is now. I have always felt like an outcast and coming out as a “boy” would have further set me into outcast land.
Just like when I thought I was a homosexual, I thought of killing myself. I felt like I was severely psychotic liking another woman. Again I didn’t say anything to anybody, not even my therapist at the time because I was fearful of being committed to the hospital. I already had a few by this point. But I met a fellow inpatient that showed me it was ok to be gay and I’m grateful for that.
My therapist now does what she can for helping me accept being a transgender but part of me always wonders whether one day she will have me committed for these thoughts. And I don’t mean the suicidal ones.
Why am I not in the hospital if I am chronically suicidal? Because I’m not “actively” suicidal. If I was in imminent danger to myself, like I was going to do it right this second, at this very moment, I would be hospitalized, probably against my will.
But at this stage I just feel like my telling my providers I’m suicidal is like me crying wolf. I’ve said this so many times I don’t really think anyone believes I will act on it. Hell I don’t even feel like I will act on it. I want so much to die and though I have made active plans to kill myself, I am still here. I have not attempted in several years now. At this point I wish it could be just a wish that I could be granted at anytime. I sometimes wish I lived in the times of the Ancient Greeks where if you constantly asked for permission, eventually you were granted permission and “allowed” to kill yourself with hemlock. Now the governments of most societies say it’s all part of mental illness and every life should be saved. Now do you see why I am not vocal on my suicide thoughts. I have to keep them secret for fear of commitment. But a hospital stay is not what I need. Being six feet under and pushing up daisies is what I desire. That is truly what I want.
Somehow between my last “attempt” seven years ago, I lost my lethality. I lost the will to truly die. Even though I wish to be dead on a constant basis, don’t get me wrong, I have no will so to speak to truly act on my thoughts anymore. I lost the intensity of my constriction, my narrow minded thinking. Because of this I am still alive though I desperately wish I was dead.