Category: psychosis

Major shopping done and the suicidality from last night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, suicidality, suicide

Major shopping done and the suicidality from last night

I got my monthly groceries today. I just finished putting everything away that needed to be put away. The breads I left out for my mother to deal with as the refrigerator needs some shuffling. I am not good at that. I am disappointed they didn’t have my hot dogs and one of the 12 pks I ordered, they decided to give me two 2L bottles. I rather they just give me a credit. I should have sent them back with the guy. But oh well. I have my diet soda that I drink. It’ll come in handy on these hot days.

I must have spent 15 minutes shopping at Walmart and walked out with $66 worth of clothes. It was all the shorts that I needed for the summer as I was wearing out the jean shorts I kept on wearing. I figure it will last me three years at least. That was the last time I went clothes shopping. I hate shopping for clothes. If something doesn’t catch my eye right away, I don’t get it. There were clothes I wanted to get but they didn’t have my size. I was disappointed.

After shopping at Walmart, I went to my therapy appointment. We talked about last night. I am glad that I didn’t email my psychiatrist at like 2 am. I know I would have received a phone call this morning if I did. I was not in good space. My ankle is starting to throb but it was nothing like last night. I still feel like I should be dead. I told my therapist I had every intention to cancel our appointments for next week but she wouldn’t have one word of it. I also told her I felt like texting her but I didn’t feel like it because I knew we would end up talking about it. She told me I could text her any time, day or night. That is good and all but it sucks when you don’t get a response back. I didn’t tell her this.

Our conversation was all over the place. Whenever there was a break, she brought us back to the suicidality. She wanted to know more about it. I really don’t remember much, though I still remember feeling suicidal. I think if I had a solid plan, I probably would have executed it today, regardless of the consequences. I woke up really groggy as I didn’t go to sleep till well after 0200. I did text my therapist around 0211 so I was still up at that time. I just said I was in a “dangerous mood”. I really didn’t want to get up but I couldn’t forfeit the Zipcar. It was well past the time I could cancel it so I forced myself up. I was so sleepy that I didn’t even get myself coffee before leaving Boston. I was half way to my therapist’s location when I realized I didn’t get coffee as I was getting sleepy on the road. I am so glad there is a Starbucks near her office that I always go to. I also got something to eat as I was getting hungry.

I should probably email my psychiatrist and let her know what happened last night and that I am still feeling suicidal. It was very difficult NOT to do something last night as I just was fed up with being in pain all the time, night after night after night. I wish it was close to 2000 so I could take my meds and go to bed. I am so fricken tired. I tried taking a nap before the groceries got here but some idiot from South Carolina called me and woke me up. It was a sign because it was close to when my delivery was scheduled to be delivered. So I never got my nap. I so could use a coffee but I don’t want to fuck up my sleep further.

There was hardly any traffic on the way home, thank goodness. I had enough time to make a run to my house to drop off my shopping bags and then return the car. I am glad I have a location near my house that is within walking distance. There is another location near me but it’s up a hill and I don’t do hills. If I could, I wouldn’t be disabled. My ankle already didn’t like the walk back home but I took my pain meds to quiet it down.

This is why I don’t understand why I got so suicidal last night. It’s not like I don’t have meds for my pain. I do and they work, though taking them before the pain is bad has always been a challenge. I could just take them and within minutes my pain can climb or it could be two hours after I take the meds and then my pain shoots up. There is no rhyme or reason to what brings me pain. The slightest movement seems to make it explode and for some reason, it hurts threefold when I lay down versus when I am sitting up. But I can’t sleep while sitting. It hurts my back and neck being in that position all the time. I have tried to use a pillow and sleep but I always turn over on my side and sleep, sometimes with the sitting pillow as a back support or it ends up on the floor.

I told my therapist about the anger that I was feeling last night when the pain happened to get out of control. I really wanted to punch a wall. I was so done. I have no idea what will happen tonight if my pain returns when I try and sleep. I know part of the reason is because I thought I took my pain meds but I didn’t. I usually take them either before my night meds or after but because I was watching the game last night, things kind of didn’t follow my routine. I also now realize that I was on my feet more because I washed dishes before going up to bed. That could have been why the pain was so intense last night. I did them because my mother would flip if I left them for her in the morning.

I feel really sad that I got so suicidal last night and didn’t act on my feelings even though they were really strong. I think if the voices were not controlled I probably wouldn’t have stayed safe. I don’t know what I would do as most of my medication is three feet from me and I don’t think my foot would have allowed the journey, no matter how suicidal I was. I knew things would be better in the morning (even though technically it was morning) but I couldn’t see it. I had to do something and ended up doing nothing. I feel like a failure.

New Favorite Song: Think of You

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, grief, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

New favorite song: Think of You

I have been listening to this song since last night, non-stop. I cannot wait till I get paid next week so I can buy the album. Chris Young is one of my favorite artists. I am really surprised this song isn’t on the radio as it has over 13 million views.

I watched my niece for a little bit until her other grandmother came and got her. Afterwards, I went to the grocery store to get some half and half. I so needed a cup of coffee. Luckily, I time it right with the buses so I didn’t have to wait too long. It was really hot out and I was sweating by the time I came home. I made the coffee and then some breakfast. I figure I would have something to eat as I really haven’t had breakfast all week. I have been too sleepy to make it.

Last night I gave the run down of my illness for the past seven months. I sent it to my psychiatrist and will send it to my therapist next week. I then got the worst spasms in my legs and arms I ever felt. I swear every muscle group went spastic on me. It was awful. I took another Ativan and it didn’t help. Then I thought I was withdrawing from my pain medicine so I took a pill and things finally settled down. I didn’t take any pain pills the entire day because I wasn’t in significant pain. I won’t be doing that again.

I had felt so awful I thought about paging my pdoc to see if she had any ideas on how to stop the spasticity. But it was late (around midnight) and I was too afraid she might have me go to the ER or something. If taking my pain meds didn’t work, I would have called her. It was kind of urgent that I speak to her but thankfully, things settled down and I fell asleep. I did have a good sleep as I didn’t wake up till around 0900. I checked on my niece to make sure she was dressed and ready to see her grandmother. She said she washed up and brushed her teeth. So I am going on her word that those things were done.

I need to take a shower today but I think I will take it this evening. I haven’t really taken one all week. I finally called PT and have an appointment on the 12 of Aug. I need to get a new prescription because the one they faxed over is “old”. I don’t understand how they can get old. It was written a month ago so how can it be old? Just wasting paper.

Coffee really gave me energy. Maybe I can tackle the hamper I have been meaning to clean out. I might change my sheets. That will take some energy. Last time I changed them, it nearly threw my back out. I will take it easy though. I need to wash my comforter, too.

Timeline

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Timeline

According to my blogs in January 2016, my voices had become worse and so had my depression. Then my father had his treatments. The end of the month he was hospitalized for chest pain. A few days later after discharge, he was readmitted with a chest collapse brought about, presumably, due to pleural effusion or an air pocket burst.

I was supposed to start PT for my back but never did because of the evolving care of my father. My depression worsened the more involved I was with the man. The voices ultimately were controlling me, though I didn’t realize it at first. This was despite taking an adequate dose of abilify and taking it faithfully every night. The only exception to this was when my father was readmitted for the collapsed lung issue. I missed a few days because it was late and I didn’t feel like filling up my pill box. I was haphazardly taking my meds. A few here, a few there that first week in March.

March was a markedly collapse of my father’s health. He was admitted every two weeks for pleural effusions or because of fluid build up in his system. He had stopped eating or was barely eating and drinking, even with support from my sisters. He lost weight and subsequently would develop pneumonia that was his last illness before being transferred to a nursing home for further care.

My mental health deteriorated. In the middle of March, after losing up to 15 pounds, I decided to go back on Zoloft, even though I didn’t think it would do much. We started off slow as I didn’t want to get sick off it, though my psychiatrist wanted me on 100 mg. I was happy with half that. My father died the end of April. I was hospitalized the middle of May after everything was said and done. We decided to increase the Zoloft to 100 mg and it was a quick admission. I was there only six days and have not been back, against my better judgement.

June brought havoc for me with the Orlando shootings and I felt the pressing need to notify authorities that the gunman had an alien parasite in his brain that caused his actions. The voices were rampant at this point and I discussed the matter with my psychiatrist and therapist before making any phone calls. It was at this point I got very agitated at my therapist for not believing me about the alien parasites and decided I wasn’t going to take the abilify any more. The voices by then were commanding me to do things and I went along.

A couple weeks later, I was feeling really paranoid while at my psychiatrist’s office. I was really scared she was going to kill me despite her reassurances that she was not. This was around the end of June. That day was terrible. The paranoia had increased due to some social media post by a Twitter follower I was following for PTSD. She had posted something to do for ISIS which is always a trigger for me. It freaked me out and the paranoia increased tenfold. I emailed my psychiatrist to get some trilafon to calm down as the agitation was terrible. Then there were problems with the pharmacy filling it. I was fuming. I have been on this medication for a long time and these young pharmacists were telling me how it was interacting with my medication. I scoffed because my psychiatrist knew the medications I was taking and if there were interactions, my psych wouldn’t be prescribing me the medication. She talked to these young people and I was able to get my meds, finally. Though it really frazzled me.

Because the trilafon was working while I was “sneaking it” behind the voices back, I was coming to the realization just how much they were controlling me. The noise in my head became much quieter and I was able to fight back, albeit slowly. I still felt I needed to be in the hospital and was seriously contemplating when my mother, who has diabetes, took a hypoglycemic episode and I found her down. If I was in the hospital, I dread to think of the consequences. I realized then, the beginning of July, that I had to get control of the voices so started taking the trilafon more frequently than every other day or every two days.

Since my father’s death, I have been feeling numb and distant. Things got better and I was feeling my “normal” feelings of depression or joy or something. But since the voices got louder and more demanding, I have noticed that I been feeling flat and not feeling much of anything. I feel blunted, like I should be feeling something but I am not. My therapist is calling this “negative symptoms” of psychosis but it’s been ages since I looked at a psych book to remember what those were. I used to know psychosis very well way back when I was young student in college but have gradually lost what I learned as I moved away from my calling and haven’t been in school in years.

Even as I am writing this, I feel disconnected, like a lightbulb has been turned off and I can’t find the switch. It doesn’t concern me. I don’t know why it’s concerning my therapist so much. But then she is very protective of me. I just don’t see the concern. Not having emotion is kind of a relief. It’s better than feeling the deep dark lows that I had been feeling. It has affected my writing some what. But then, my writing has not recovered much since my father’s death three months ago. I still feel as distant as I did back then.

It’s going to be a long, sad week

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis, sports

It’s going to be a long sad week

The All Star Game is this week, which means there won’t be regular baseball games, at all. My team won’t be playing again till Friday. I hate this week because I love baseball so much. I don’t know what I am going to do in the evenings. Tomorrow is the game. I will probably watch some of it. There are five Sox players on the team. Originally, there was supposed to be six but a player got hurt. He will be out for the next six weeks or so.

I have been sleeping most of the morning, despite my damn phone going off. I had like 4-5 people call me, which is kind of unheard of as my phone never rings. I didn’t recognize the numbers so I just let them go to voicemail. No one left me a message so it must not have been an important phone call.

I got up around 1400 to make coffee. I am not really hungry, though I had some watermelon and half a cookie. After I finish my coffee, I might make something to eat. I am thinking scrambled eggs with cheese. I haven’t had that in a long time. I usually just make boiled eggs but I am not feeling like making that today.

It’s warm today and muggy. I have the AC going to cool down my room. I don’t think I will be going out today. I have to go out tomorrow as I have an appointment with my NP for my pain management. I was supposed to see her Friday but she will be leaving Boston so I see her tomorrow. I hope it’s not permanently. I really like her.

I am feeling kind of anxious. I don’t know why. It could be the coffee. I haven’t taken my dose of trilafon yet. I’m waiting for the coffee to wake me up a little bit. I don’t know why I have been so drowsy the last few days. It is unusual for me to sleep all morning. I guess I am wicked tired. Last night, I was struggling to stay awake. Then when I went to lie down, I woke up. Pissed me off. When I got up, I read some more Harry Potter. I have about 10 chapters left. I figure if I read 2-3 chapters a day, I might finish this week. I know it sounds easier written than done but it’s what I am hoping. This book has been on my list since February. Once I finish it, I plan on moving on to “A Cuckcoo’s Calling”. It’s another book written by JK Rowling but under her Pen Name. She has three books in this series, if I like the book, I will buy the other two.

Once I finish Harry, I plan on digging out Alexander Hamilton’s book. That is a book I started a few years ago. I kind of got busy as I dropped it and never picked it back up. It is a very dense book and kind of hard to read. You really need to pay attention to what you are reading as it’s very easy to lose your place. It is interesting. I think I left off with Alexander’s early adulthood in St. Croix. I could be wrong as it’s been a long while since I looked at the book. The author doesn’t leave much to stop in the chapters. It just rattles on and on. I hate books like that.

Seeing as my evenings will be free for most of the week, I guess I can fill it with reading time. I still have the psychology book that I started. That book is reserved for Starbucks reading though. I feel like a student when I read that book at the coffee shop. It’s also a big book so it will take me the summer to read it. I am hoping to read more of it while my therapist is on vacation next month. It will be a good distraction.