Category: suicidality

I may throw in some goals but I really don’t expect them to come to fruition. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping past few nights. Pain has been making sleeping at night impossible. So I sleep during the day to wake up at night to stay up all night. Fun cycle.

Last night I was trying to sleep. I would slightly doze and then wake up in pain, either my foot or ankle or hip. 3 am my hip was hurting because my body was one way and it wanted to lay flat rather than on my side. Had to use a heating pad which needs replacing because it is worn out. It doesn’t get hot like it did only on high setting. So I had this on my hip. And waited for pain to calm down. Then put of the fucking blue, my foot/ankle explode and I am instantly suicidal. Like I want to kill myself right this second. I didn’t know how but as I lay there immobile, I thought of ways. And I swear if I could have moved and acted at that moment, I would have. I was so pissed off. I was a lot of things i don’t remember now nearly 24 hours later. I took an ativan when these thoughts and impulses passed and I could move my hip without screaming. I think I might have taken another pain med too because I was in pain. Around 6, I took 1 neurontin hoping for an hours sleep. It never came. My brain was just fantasizing all these things I had to do today and just wanted to say fuck it and sleep. Did I do that? No.

Around 1030 I got up to start the day. I had to cook 6 pounds of chicken wings for my sister’s party. I had two glasses of coffee before I started. I had to cut the chicken, wash, then cook it. It was falling off the bone when it was done and it was way too early for people to come in. So it just sat on my sister’s counter because my mother had to use our oven for her stuff.

It was a good party. I had two glasses of spiked eggnog. Hoping that would dull the physical pain. Nope. I had stuff to eat. Talked with my cousins. The pain started to get worse. I could barely walk. Noises were affecting me severely. Like I couldn’t handle the loud talk of anyone or the screaming of the two babies or my cousin playing something on his phone. It was just making pain worse. I left. I said happy new year good bye. I got upstairs and didn’t know if I was going to make it. I thought the eggnog was going to come up. I took some zofran. I was late with my meds so took them. I could not lie down. It cold in my room and my foot was so swollen my slipper made an indentation mark. And it was ice cold. Turn on broken heating pad! Luckily it never got painfully cold but did get painfully hot. I am still trying to sleep and failing. I should be tired because I technically have been awake since 30 Dec 7pm! I am not fucking tired. I should be. And after this, I am shutting off the lights and trying for sleep. I realized I probably been having problems because I turned up the heat a degree. Bad choice. I need cold. I should have known when I was sleeping with just my sheet on it was too hot in my room.

I don’t have any 2019 goals like I said. I wanted to end my life 24 hours ago and it is still fresh. I emailed my psych but she is out of office until Wed so probably not going to get a response. I don’t need the hospital. I really just need to stop having flares or have meds to control flares. And then longer I don’t and the longer they last, I am going to be a suicidal maniac. I am hoping it was just the stress of the holidays but I got huge financial worries this month. I got to pay for my meds which I knew but still impulsively bought shit off Amazon. I won’t know what anything costs until later today, I hope. I still won’t know if my therapist is a provider until I see him Wed. And then I will probably need to decrease our sessions because I can’t pay for them. Fun pit in my stomach right now. And then I worry my pain meds won’t get covered or T. We’ll see. I need a refill sometime this month. But if it is really expensive, I don’t know if I can afford it.

So more stress = more pain. Lovely cycle.