Category: suicidality

Just when I think…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…

waves of despair due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, suicidality, suicide

Waves of despair due to pain

The Sox lost their 3rd game of the season. I had something to eat because I was hungry and then I tried sleeping. My foot/ankle has been playing up throughout most of the game. I laid down and tried to get comfortable. The pain wasn’t getting better so decided to take another pain med. And that is when my foot/ankle really said fuck you to me. I saw fucking stars. All I did was try and sit up. Hard to swallow a pill while you are lying down.

So my thoughts went to suicide. I’ve been stuck in this hole and I don’t think there is anyway out. I really don’t want to see my therapist anymore. Just thinking about walking to his office makes me anxious. I don’t talk about my suicidal feelings or thoughts because the last time I brought them up, he said I was “angry”. Typical Freud? It just upset me and I just feel like I have no where to go to talk about this shit except here. NO I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE RIGHT THIS SECOND OR IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! I am just TALKING about it, NOT ACTING on it. There is a fucking difference.

It’s the weekend so the information that I need to find out I can’t find out because the office isn’t open. I can make other plans though. I think I have a location that I can end things. I will scope the place out next week. It will be fun, get me out of the house for a few hours. It’s moments like this when the plan that has been going round and round my head has a chance to be written and spelled out because my stupid fucking pain is high and all I can think about is ending it. You know what is stupid? There has been less opioid prescriptions written since 2015 and yet there are more overdoses. People are still dying, want to know why? Because they are not fucking overdosing on prescription opioids!!! It is heroin and illicit fentanyl!! Way to go government and your stupid war on drugs.

I am so damn tired of being in constant pain. My niece is turning 13 today. I feel bad that her uncle will be dying soon because his pain is not being treated adequately. Hell, he isn’t even being taken seriously that he has pain. The only docs that believe him is his psychiatrist and the LGBT doctor. I am supposed to meet with the pain doc in two weeks. I don’t know if it will a waste of time or not. But in the mean time, I am supposed to wait. I will plan while I am waiting. Seems to be the sensible thing to do.

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.

Hopeless and thinking of the end game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been in a rotten mood all day. I’ve been sleeping in 3 hour increments, the first one happening at 3 am. I was in pain and just did not want to move. I also didn’t want to take my pain meds. I’m just sick of taking them, actually, I’m sick of taking all meds today. I didn’t take my morning meds. I shut the alarm off and then fell back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later. 

My mother called around 1pm and I thought it was an alarm going off. By the time I realized it was my phone ringing, it was too late to answer. She called because she wanted me to open the door for the therapist. I was pissed. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had to pee so I got up. My ankle felt like it was being crushed. That further caused my mood to go south. I carefully went downstairs and used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth. Then went downstairs to open the door. I didn’t feel like eating or anything so went back to my room. I got pissed off again because my bowels decided it needed to be emptied not even 10 minuted back to my room. Fuck. Went back sownstairs again. I decided to make something to eat. My mother was making beef stew but it wasn’t ready. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. 

Went back to my room and I just wanted to die. My mood was so low. I felt like I was under the blackest clouds. No light was ever going to shine through. I thought about texting my therapist but didn’t. What was he going to do? I really thought of ending it somehow some way. I decided to make a cup of tea and have a pop tart. 

Went back downstairs. My mother was in the kitchen and the therapist had left. I asked my mother if she wanted tea and she did. I made a cup for her as well. In had the pop tart. My ankle was in rough shape and I felt so angry to be in pain for the third day in a row, the same type of pain. After I finished the pop tart, I went up stairs again to drink my tea. 

I sat on my bed. I didn’t turn on any lights. I read Twitter and Facebook. When I finished my tea, I tried to nap. I kept thinking of what would happen to my nieces and nephew should I die. I am so depressed I can’t even think of a date to end my misery. I can’t be bothered with planning my own death. My mother called me to say the stew was done. I didn’t want any. She said she was hungry, so I told her to eat. 

I wish I wasn’t around anymore. I just can’t deal with pain and no one (other than my support group) helping me to deal with my pain. I am back in the pit of despair. And this time I am so far deep that I can’t even think of how or when to end my life. How sad is that?