Tag: back pain

Sunday Blog 07032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 07032021

I am sitting in my kitchen while the floor guys work on my stairs and floors. The smell is awful. It is cold outside so I won’t open a window just yet. My shoulder is tingly this morning. I put heat on it and that settled it down some. Now it is back to tingly. I don’t know why it tingles and just in one spot. I wish I brought clothes down so I could take a shower. I won’t be able to go up to my room at least until tonight. Going to be another long day of sitting. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but I got my roller bag in my room. The porch is blocked off so I can’t get the reusable bags. Sucks. I won’t be able to go to the grocery store anyways as I don’t have jeans on. I just have my PJs. I don’t have access to my room because the stairs are still wet. I think the guys are done now. I can’t imagine it taking too long to put down another coat of poly.

I am going to try and write today. I am writing an essay I hope to be 1000 words about being in therapy for thirty years. I just hope I can stay on topic. I wish I had my notebook it would be easier to write. Then I could type it all up. I find that I write better that way than writing off the word document.

I am having a second cup of coffee because I am so tired. Yesterday I had two cups too, though I didn’t finish the second cup. I had to go downstairs for a sweatshirt because I can’t go upstairs to get mine. I am wearing my brother in law’s and it is nice and roomy. I also brought up a scarf as the window is behind me and bothers my neck. It is cold today. I have to open the windows and door to let the smell of the poly go out.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. I was finally able to get it off of dropbox and put the music on my phone. It took several attempts for my stupid MP3 player to recognize it. I love this acoustic album. She always wanted one and I am glad she finally got it with all her great songs. There are 26 songs so it is about two hours and ten minutes or so long. It was a wonderful evening. I fell asleep the first time I heard it because it was so soothing and relaxing. I had to listen to it again. A few days after the concert the songs were available for purchase. I bought them right away. I love her music so much.

My sister made chicken cacciatore for dinner. It was really good. I had some soup before I went downstairs to eat so I am pretty full right now. My mother liked it. It was a good family meal. I feel so tired right now. I want to check on the floor to see if it is tacky or not so I can go upstairs to my room. I think it will be good in a couple of hours so I am trying to be patient. I did check and the floor and stairs aren’t tacky so I can go up them. Thank god. I need my bed. I am so tired from sitting in a chair all day. I got heat on my neck and shoulders right now. My neck pain is starting to act up again. I need to do my meds for the week and then lay down. I need to rest my neck as I have been sitting straight all day.

A Tired Saturday Blog 06032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A tired Saturday Blog 06032021

I woke up at six with what I thought was my mother screaming out in pain. Turns out it was just a dream. My mother was safely sleeping in her bed when I came down to check on her and use the bathroom. I slept for an hour before I had to collect my stuff because the guys are doing the floor and stairs today. I won’t be in my room all day. It is going to be a long day. I wish I could go to a Starbucks and just sit there for the afternoon. Sucks the pandemic takes so much away from you.

I didn’t get a book. I don’t know what to read. I have so many books I can’t pick one. My right shoulder is tingly today. It worries me when it tingles. The PT says it is just muscle movement because of the severity of the knots. I have to do my exercises today. I forgot my heat wrap in my room so I won’t be able to get it. I will have to use some towels or something to make a heat pack.

I sent my therapist some tips on dealing with a suicidal person. I hope she reads it. It is important stuff. The thing that pisses me off is that she always wants to pass me off to some group when I am suicidal. I feel like she can’t handle me and it is not a good feeling. I feel like I am too much for her. I see her Mon and we will talk about this. I just hope she read one of my blogs that I sent her about the response plan. I think it is important.

I have been craving cool ranch dorito chips and I finally got them. It has been the only chips that I have eaten in a while. I usually don’t buy chips because they usually go stale by the time I finish the bag. I only eat a handful at a time and that is it. I didn’t buy a big back. Just a snack bag so that will be plenty. My sister made egg rolls and they were good. I think I will have tuna for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. Yesterday I had Filet o Fish for dinner. It was good. I love McD’s fish sandwich. My sister has some rye bread and celery so I will make the tuna downstairs. It will be a lot quieter than up here where the men are sanding my floors. I hope it isn’t going to be a two day project.

Baseball Spring Training has begun. My Sox are doing well but it is so hard watching them because my favorite players aren’t there anymore. I am very heartbroken that JBJ (Jackie Bradley Jr.) got signed with the Brewers in Milwaukie. There are only three players on the field that I know and like 3 pitchers. All the rest of the guys are new. My 3Bs are gone from the outfield. No more “Win, Dance, Repeat” shenanigans. I will miss my boys. I hope they do well where they are now. I am sure they will. They have great talent. A shame the Red Sox was too cheap to keep them.

I don’t know what to say

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I don’t know what to say

Been a hard few days for me with pain and depression. I had therapy Wednesday and it was a disaster. I became suicidal after we went over some negative thoughts and then we both became frustrated. I told her I didn’t want to be in the hosp. She wanted me to join a group of some sort. I called the chronic pain support and they have a long waiting list so I won’t be able to go to that for a while. I got the impression she doesn’t know how to support me when I am suicidal. Yesterday I wrote her a message telling her about the suicide response plan and safety planning by Brown and Stanley. I don’t care which one we use but I think it is important to use one of them. I told her I prefer the suicide response plan because it is what Jobes uses for CAMS. I told her what CAMS was and how I find benefit from it but there are no CAMS trained therapists in Boston.

I got really upset and thought she didn’t want to work with me anymore because she said that she was tired of this cycle we get in when I get suicidal. She wants me to check the facts about this. I was sure she didn’t want to work with me anymore because I was too suicidal. I still feel like I might need another therapist but I know finding one now is going to be impossible because of the pandemic and because of my history.

Last night I had a runny nose and was sneezing my head off. I felt lousy. I still feel like I am coming down with a cold so I am trying to limit my exposure to my mother in case I am sick. I need to shower and shave my head. I got my haircut Wed. I didn’t have it all nice when I was talking to my therapist though. I had rinse out the hairs and it was messy. I didn’t care. I haven’t showered all week. I am trying to get enough energy to do it. I just feel so tired and don’t want to do anything. I really need to go to the grocery store to get more Gatorade. I have just six bottles right now. That is not going to be enough for the month, or even a week.

Yesterday I had PT and my deltoid is sore today. It feels bruised but there is no bruise mark on it. She did a lot of work on my arms yesterday. I got more stretches for my neck. I am glad because my neck has been such a pain. I need to put heat on it. Only thing is my family keeps moving my heat wrap on me so when I am in the kitchen, it isn’t there for me to throw in the microwave. It is the only way I can put heat on. PT also gave me some tennis balls for my back and hamstring. I have to rig something to have it between my shoulder blades. She said that I can use scotch tape but I think the balls will be too heavy for it. Will try it and see. Otherwise I will have to think of something else. Maybe a sock or something.

I got a letter from my pcp yesterday. He is leaving to go to the CDC. His last day is April 1st. This really sucks because I really liked him. He was a good doctor. I am going to miss him. I see him Monday for a follow up. It will be our last. Really sucks.

shaving again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shaving again

Yesterday I took my beard down to a stubble and then today I used my electric shaver to take it off. It feels good to be clean shaven again. I have two appointments today that are close to one another. I haven’t figured out where I will be for my psychiatrist’s appointment. It is virtual. I am tempted to make my PT virtual but then I don’t get the hands on that I need.

Tomorrow I am seeing my barber to get my mop cut. It is much too long and is annoying me. I’ll have it trimmed a little bit so that it isn’t so long. I think I might go with a side look and bald fade again. My barber does an excellent bald fade.

I slept okay last night but I am still so tired. I feel like I can sleep another couple of hours. Coffee helped wake me up a little bit. I had the belVita biscuits with it. It is my favorite breakfast. I bought different flavors of the biscuits so I wouldn’t get bored. I need to buy more. I plan on going out to the supermarket tomorrow after my haircut.

Therapy went well yesterday. We talked about CBT therapy and how thinking negative thoughts influences behavior. I am to write down my negative thoughts but not ruminate about them. I haven’t done this yet. I have trouble identifying negative thoughts when I have them so this is going to be a tough assignment.

My leg and ankle were hurting me so bad yesterday I just wanted to cry and stay in bed but my mother had a visiting nurse come and I had to stay with her in case there were issues. I think that is why I am so tired today is because of all the pain I was in yesterday. It is a lot to deal with. My ankle is still hurting me today because it is so cold out and windy. The temp dropped like almost 20 degrees. It hurts.

I am trying to keep myself hydrated. I forget to drink during the day and then wonder why I haven’t peed. I am still constipated so need to keep up with the Miralax to keep going. I sort of woke up in pain this morning because I was sleeping on my right shoulder. I hate when that happens because it is nerve pain. I decided to change my in person PT appointment to virtual because I don’t feel like going out. I am in too much pain with my ankle. The pain is throbbing.