Tag: disability

drunk me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Drunk me

This song has been in my head all fricken day. I haven’t heard it in a few weeks but damn these songs. The song is by Mitchell Tenpenny and called Drunk Me. Song just has been going around and around my head so I am sharing it.

I went out with friends today. I was kind of weary about it because I didn’t sleep really well last night. I don’t think I will be taking melatonin anymore. I seem to sleep every two hours when I take it. It just doesn’t seem to work like it did. I was able to get a solid 4-5 hours when I went back to sleep around 0630. I had a worrisome night while I was up from 0100 to the time I went to sleep around 0630. I figured as I couldn’t sleep, I would play on my laptop. I went to get up and sort of felt like water shooting out of me. I got the laptop and soon as I sat up, I had to pee. When I got to the bathroom, my underwear was wet so that water was obviously pee. I have never lost control like that, ever. Throw in the really bad back pain I had Friday and I was starting to worry one of my discs was going. I still have a sore back. It isn’t painful unless I press on it but I still feel the soreness. I have been fretting all day. I emailed my psych. I had to because she is the one person I can talk to about this, in greater detail, to vent off my feelings. This has set off my PTSD big time. I am really anxious, having thoughts/memories intrude, thinking I should contact my neurosurgeon, how I was in the hosp, all of it is flooding back and I am ready to lose my shit. I really, really hope it is just muscle but just for a peace of mind, I want my PCP to order a lumbar MRI with contrast. I really hope cauda equina syndrome (CES) isn’t happening. This is what went on when I got it the second time.

I am trying to think of how I am going to relate this to my pcp. I got to discuss with him my breakthrough meds. I think I need an increase in number of pills a day as what I am taking isn’t always working out for me. There are days I don’t need it or I just need one pill but lately, unless I am in bed the whole fucking day, I need something for pain while doing things. Otherwise, I can’t move, at all. The second thing will be my back thing. I am so nervous but luckily my doc is a calm person who I can talk to. He is very caring and I really like that about him. He has been receptive to what I say to him. I am hoping he can order the MRI without any problems. I really don’t think PT will help me if a disc is compressing a nerve root or something. God just talking about this is giving me an anxiety attack. I gave myself one earlier today, one in which I nearly thought of going to the ER after I had dinner with my friends. But I knew that the ER would go by the book and not take pieces of CES as being CES. The one thing I don’t know about my PCP is his knowledge of this syndrome. I can educate but dammit, I am so tired of doing so. I feel like every doctor/nurse I see I have to tell them what I have and what is affected and how. Which is why I didn’t go to the ER today.

I just messaged my psych as I need a voice of reason right now, and someone that understands what I am going through. I have my support group, who are phenomenal but I need a voice who will calm me down. I hate being this anxious. And having these symptoms of PTSD is not helping matters either. I used to know how to calm myself when I got triggered and such but have forgotten as it has been so damn long. Everything happening at once is going to kill me. And I know if I have CESx3, I am dead. I won’t go through with surgery just to be around family that doesn’t want to help me out or just do things their way without my input. God it will take all I have to get through tonight with my crazy thoughts. My psych said to call her tomorrow so I will when I get home after my eye appointment.

random psych shit and things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random psych shit and things

I had three hours sleep last night. I didn’t go to bed till 0730, woke up at 0930 and then again at 1030. I had to really get up at that hour because I had to be out of the house by the latest 1105 to catch the bus. Course I go downstairs, hoping to shave and my mother is in the bathroom wanting to wash up. Figures. I tell her I need to wash up and she says she will do so fast. She is never “fast.” I waited for her to get out. By that time it was around 1045 and I just brushed my teeth and got the eye crud out of my eyes by washing them. I couldn’t be bothered with the rest of my face. It would have to wait.

I had time to fiddle after using the bathroom, but not much. I got my clothes on before sitting on my bed. I tried to find a belt I could use for the pair of shorts I found in my drawer. They are a size 38, which after all the weight loss, I fit into again. I didn’t need to buy another pair of shorts as the size 42 is way too big on me. Not eating is not how I wanted to lose the weight but it happened so there isn’t much I can do except to keep it off, which I have and knew I would. I might have gained and lost the same three pounds the past few weeks but then I will drop 8 lbs the following week so I guess it evens out eventually.

I went to Starbucks and had my espresso. I had a new barista. I asked him for soy and all the baristas that I ever had have given me the container or a quart of it. This one pours a tall cup and hands it to me. WTF. I don’t care, I just want my fucking espresso. He was cheap with the ice so I just said fuck it. He looked to be a smartass anyway and I wasn’t in the mood to argue. I totally got my time messed up because around noon, I left for the station. It wasn’t until I was halfway to where I needed to be, I realized my appointment was at 1345. I was more than an hour early. Goddamn it. I went to the lobby of the building and just wrote in my journal. Then I washed out my reuseable cup and went upstairs. The therapist took me early. I was beyond tired by that point and wasn’t too chatty though I did try to have a conversation. The therapist kept on looking at her computer screen and then looked at me so fast I thought she was going to get whiplash. No idea what she was looking at. Somehow she asked me if I was in crisis or something and I said I don’t know, not right now. Could change in 24 hours, which it could. She said that wasn’t reassuring. Then she said “we need to monitor how you are and such.” I am thinking ok. Next thing I know she is telling me she is off next week and she will see me in two weeks. WTF seriously?? She didn’t offer a safety plan or who I was to call if I needed to talk to someone while she was away, nothing! I got pissed off. Because she took me early meant I would be home on time for my psych to call me.

I had just missed the bus when I got back to the Square. I had to wait a half hour for the next one. I just listened to my music. I tried to read Twitter but my eyes couldn’t focus and it was really difficult as the sunglasses I was wearing weren’t prescription. I have either thrown them out or they are somewhere hidden in my room. I won’t know until I try to find something else. Like today I was trying to find the key to my cash box and found my class ring instead. I thought I had lost it for good while I was working in the lab. I could have sworn it was in my lab coat that got thrown away. I am glad I was wrong. That made my day until my psych called me. We talked and then she said she had a question for me, would I be okay to see a psychiatrist they had assigned me. That psychiatrist contacted her and wanted her input before they contacted me. I then asked her ok until she sets up shop somewhere and when that would be. She said sometime in the fall. She then asked if I was okay with meds. I said I have one refill left on all of them so would be set for the next month, month and a half. And if I couldn’t see the guy, I would call her. I told her about the dissociation part of Monday/Tuesday night where I somehow scratched my wrist. There were a few marks. I have no idea what time it was, what it was with, or why I did it. I don’t even remember doing it. She said if it happened again to call her right away. My immediate thought was that could be a while as it took me all day to realize this when I emailed her around 2200 Tuesday night while waiting for the last survey for the study I am in to come through. I was going to sleep afterwards and I did until like 9 or 10 am. My psych said she would call me either tomorrow or Monday to let me know what the new guy said and what his availability is.

After the phone call, my heart dropped. I was completely hurting and heartbroken and angry. I almost had a meltdown but somehow prevented me from uncontrollable sobbing. Fall seems like forever right now even though, technically, it is only a few months away. She didn’t tell me where she would be. I didn’t ask. I was too stunned to know I was actually going to see a new psychiatrist after twenty-six years, least for a little while. She still wants me to keep her posted and stuff. I don’t think that will ever change. I’ve always have, even when she was away on vacation or out of the office or on medical leave. This week has been a blur and today just sucked totally. Once I knew I wasn’t going to fall apart, I made myself a cheeseburger, which my stomach is still not happy about, even though I liked it. It was really good. After I ate, I shaved my head and face. I got rid of the mustache as it was all uneven and hairs were longer in places than others. I looked in the mirror afterwards and I looked like I was 12. I sent the pic to my psych saying I was indeed 12, LOL. My face has slimmed up and with the facial hair gone, you can really see it. Losing around 25 pounds helps. I still can’t believe I lost that much weight in such a short period. My waist shows it though. I am not 100% sure it is the T giving me the loss of weight or the loss of appetite/not eating due to pain, or the combo. We may never know. All I hear is that people gain weight with T. I might be the exception.

Now I just wait for a stranger to call me or his secretary to schedule an appointment. Not sure if my psych is still wanting to keep tabs on me now or if she just wants me to keep her posted on things. I guess I will find out when she calls me.

Back in the Abyss

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Back in the Abyss

I finished PT and had to get a coffee. It was decent. I then had to wait for the bus a good twenty minutes because I had just missed the one that would take me home. So I had to walk to a bus stop where buses were going by more frequently than where I was to the train station. I didn’t have to wait long for the bus home, thankfully. I was about ¾ of the way home when my ankle exploded in pain and I swore out loud. I then started to panic as I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk home when my stop came up. The stabbing started and is still going on 5 hours later. It has been in the same fucking spot the past 3-4 weeks. I came home and then went up to my room where I basically have been the whole time, with the exception of going to the bathroom.

I took my meds. A thunderstorm has just started, which probably is why my pain has kicked off. I am so fucking depressed I don’t even care about baseball tonight. I have been on Twitter, though. There have been 3 homeruns, back to back to back. Last I looked at the score it was 8-0 Sox. Hopefully the bullpen doesn’t fuck it up. I have been listening to Luke Combs’s album, This one’s for you. It has tied Garth Brooks’s No Fences album in some record. I am so happy for this guy. I hope he sticks with the country genre and doesn’t move to the country pop shit.

While I was waiting for the bus, there was a guy talking to himself. Sadly, his conversation was similar to the kind I have with my voices all the time. I have been having this recurring fantasy where I am with my psych while I am in a room. She comes in while I am very agitate and just going off with the voices and it is quite clear I am having a conversation with someone. She is watching me while this conversation is going on as I did not notice her coming into the room. She calmly asks who I am talking to and I turn around to answer, thinking it is another voice joining the crowd, when I see her and immediately think “oh shit”. I was busted. I had this happen to me when my voices were out of control back in 2008. I was having a conversation with the voices when my research manager walked by me, mid conversation. God, these voices haven’t happened outside my place but they are with me all the time telling me how to do things or asking why I am going this particular way to a place I frequently go to. It gets annoying depending on my level of anxiety and agitation or if someone pissed me off and I am blowing off steam to them. To this day I am convinced that when my father called me a liar and I was very upset, if I had started engaging them in conversation, I probably would have schizophrenia instead of a mood disorder.

I wanted to order food. I still might as I am getting hungry. I haven’t eaten anything except a protein bar. I think I will be alright as the other day all I did was eat. I didn’t overeat but I just ate more than I have the past few months. I had wanted a beer so I went to my sister’s apartment. While drinking it, she had chips on the counter so I had some. Then I made a sandwich. Unfortunately, I had a reaction to the beer, which sucks because it was good tasting. I ended up having to take some Benadryl. With in an hour or so my tongue and roof of my mouth were feeling normal. I have no idea what kind of hops were used and if it had ginger in it. I doubt it was the citrusy stuff.

I emailed my psych about falling into the abyss as I am so far down a black hole right now. I haven’t showered since sometime last week. I hate that I haven’t washed my hair since getting it cut on Friday. My head is so itchy. I would tonight but my damn foot is hurting to much to risk it. Pain is usually better in the morning but the rain is suppose to continue till the afternoon, so we’ll see. Really hope I can because I feel like crud.

thoughts floating around the brain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Thoughts floating around the brain

I took a nap that was longer than I wanted to take. Now I am having trouble sleeping. I am not in a super amount of pain, but just enough to let me know it is there, like it always is. I really didn’t eat much today and I probably should eat something but other than my frozen burrito, I don’t know what to have. I would have cereal but the milk sometimes upsets my stomach. If I am able to afford groceries next week, I will get some almond milk or soy.

I am feeling guilty that my psych feels she needs to keep tabs on me. She wasn’t judgmental about what I wrote to her nor did she panic like I knew some mental health professionals might. She has known me for a long time and I think she knows that even though I get really suicidal I haven’t really acted on it in years. There may have been a few occasions where I have taken one too many doses of things that I told her about that usually lead to a hospitalization or the tone of an email that signaled to her that things were not right with me. I told her how the meds are messing with my cognitions around writing. It is rare that I am writing at this hour (just before midnight) but then this is blog isn’t called “Midnightdemons” for fun. I write around or after the midnight hour.

With technically yesterday being my anniversary of my blog, I really started thinking about what this blog means to me. It has always been my outlet to either share information about suicidal research papers or books that I think maybe helpful. I am not sure if there are any clinicians that still follow my blog as I have turned this more into a chronic pain/depression blog but still talk about the daily chronic suicidal feelings I have. There are some days that I have no idea how I got through them and even if you asked me, I have no answers. I know when I got really suicidal back in May and there were two nights where pain was really bad that I had wanted to act on my feelings in the worse way. I just kept holding out for daylight because then I knew I would be okay but those nights were long and how I was able to get to sleep before those daylight hours or close to it, I am not sure. My psych has been there more for me since my therapist of 16 years left me two years ago. She has been my only rock and continues to be because therapists don’t tend to stay in my life that long. I have no idea how I lucked out with her. I truly don’t. And if she has a reason for that, she hasn’t told me.

There was a lecture that someone posted about psych meds and whether people with chronic mental illness needs to be on them long term as they don’t really know if they work the way we think they do. But there is that medical model of trying to “cure” and to do something to alleviate suffering. Some people will say these medicines have saved their lives. I used to believe that but now I am not so sure. I don’t want to be on them but I know what my life is like off them. I really want to get off the antipsychotic I am on but it took a really long time for me to find something that helped keep the delusions, paranoia, and “bad” voices away. I still have two or three that are my “normal” voices and the one that “reads” to me while reading a book or something. Without this “reading” voice, I cannot comprehend the words on the page. I can read the words but they make no sense to me. I found that when I was on high doses of trilafon, it stopped all my voices and I literally couldn’t function. It was around this time that I had to consistently take an antipsychotic. The voices just got worse as I grew older and with it, took longer to control. I don’t have side effects from this drug but I am just wondering if the Ativan is what is keeping those side effects at bay like it did with the previous one I was taking.

The lecture was interesting. I didn’t finish watching the whole hour and half but just got the gist of what it was all about. It is on youtube though I don’t remember the name of the video.

My pain hasn’t been horrific the past day and a half, which is kind of freaking me out a bit. But because it hasn’t been, my suicidality has been lower than it has been the past few weeks. These breaks are welcome because being highly suicidal all the time is just a dangerous place to be in. Even though I was hospitalized for three weeks in May, I didn’t give up my plan on how to end my life. That is still ongoing. I am just finding that I keep getting closer to acting on it with each flare that I have as the pain just makes me feel so hopeless and I want to escape from it so bad. My psych knows that pain is the principle driver in my suicidality. She understands it, maybe not all of it, but she validates what I go through, which is more than what anyone has done for me regarding it. I am not sure if the therapist will. We are still learning about each other and how she can help me. But it will take some time before that happens. I don’t know if she will ask how my suicidality will be from here on out or if she will just go with it if I don’t bring it up. We haven’t made any plans surrounding it and she hasn’t even said to reach out to her if I am in trouble so I am again not too trusting of her, least not yet. I tend to keep my suicidal stuff private with people. Sure I write about it here but how many people that I interact with read my blog on a daily or semi-daily basis? Some people don’t even know I have a blog unless I tell them. I feel like I have to keep my suicidal thoughts private because I don’t want to end up in the ED or hospital every time I bring them up. That doesn’t help me. In fact, it will just piss me the fuck off, and that is the last thing you should do when you are suicidal.