Tag: gender dysphoria

Gender Dysphoria

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, transgender

I am having a hard time right now. My brain is playing games with me. My stupid female breasts are hurting me a lot tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was going to have my menses soon. They weigh so heavy for some reason. Maybe it is because of the pain.

I can’t decide if I am male or female. I know I am a male but all my body parts are female. I am so distraught. It is making me tearful. I have no one to talk to that understands. I have one friend on FB that is trans ftm. I only met him because I met his mother through a mutual game we were playing at the time. Weird how things play out.

I know the pain will pass, eventually. I just hate it as it is just a reminder of who I am not.

There is a homeless guy by the Starbucks that I go to. Every time he sees me he misgenders me. Lately he has been calling me “lady”. Screw you pal, now you aren’t getting my extra buck when I have it. I hate my body so much. And having these painful things on my chest doesn’t make me like it any better. I hate being trapped in this shell.

I see the LGBT doc next week. I don’t know how it will go. It will be our 2nd appt. I need a minimum of three before being considered for hormone therapy. So frustrating. Wish I could have top surgery tomorrow and be done with these fuckers that hurt. Like I need more pain in my life. Just hate myself so much right now. I wish I was dead.

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.

Painsomnia 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!

weight and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Weight and other things

I had therapy today. We talked about my father’s prognosis for a little bit and then she asked me about the weight issues. I read to her what I wrote last night about the issues. I haven’t gained that much weight back since eating regularly, but I think I am still eating less than or close to 1000 calories a day. I told her it was all or nothing with my eating and then we got to how my father perceives me as ugly and fat. He has stopped calling me this the last few years when my sister yelled at him for it. I have always been on the heavy side growing up, not obese like I am now, but 10-30 pounds overweight. Now I am a lot more than that. Meds have played a significant factor as the paxil caused me to gain nearly 20 pounds and it took a lot of work just to lose 10 of those suckers. I have always been careless about my eating habits. I know I don’t eat healthy and I am not trying to be healthy, but I am trying to reach a goal weight so I am taking advantage of the low appetite to do that. I am eating, just small meals, like a bowl of cereal or half a sandwich. It’s really all I can eat anyways. I don’t remember the last time I made an egg for breakfast. I just eat whatever, at home though. I don’t eat out, except to have the pastrami subs. Getting Pastrami at the deli isn’t the same.

I visited my father though I really didn’t want to. It really bothers me seeing him so sick and lifeless. Today he was more with it than in the last previous days so that was good. He still isn’t talkative and he does mumble a bit. He ate a pear today with some home made pasta my sister brought him. He didn’t drink the Ensure so I had the half my sister didn’t pour in a cup. The only good news is that his neuropathy is gone as mysteriously as it came.

My therapist almost had a field day on me today because she felt like she found the “gold mine” to my problems. Most of it has to do with how I view myself and how my father perceives me. I still hear his voice calling me ugly and fat. It’s going to take some work to undo that damage. I told her how my niece called me “beautiful” and I wanted to scream at her that I wasn’t. I really wanted to go off on her and correct her that I wasn’t. I didn’t because my niece would have been hurt and confused. Didn’t change the fact that I don’t feel this way. I know I have body image issues and gender dysphoria that plays into the weight thing. I feel ugly so I feel that I should be fat. But with me losing weight, that part of me is losing its power and it’s scaring me. If I reach my target weight, I am not sure how I will feel.