Tag: psychological pain

Ramblings 25

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Not been feeling good today. Back has been bothering me and so has my stomach. Seems like no matter what I eat lately, I get indigestion. I just took some Mylanta, the Walgreens equivalent as the real Mylanta hasn’t been on the market for quite sometime.

I got my haircut at my cousin’s house tonight. I had to get my haircut because it was getting too long. It’s been at least two months since my last cut. I like to keep my hair short and buzzed close at the sides and back. I wanted to take a shower afterwards but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I just washed my hair and that was it.

I was supposed to go out tonight but the Bruins are playing and I didn’t feel like going to a bar. I just don’t like loud places anyways.

Person from my long term disability company called me yesterday to check in. I don’t know what to say to her. I still have pain but it has been minimal because I no longer leave the house anymore. I might go out three days tops, and that is only if I really feel like going out for a coffee. Today I went out and now my ankle is thanking me with pain. I just can’t win. And what if she asks me about my mental health. I will just say yea I think about killing myself nearly everyday and wish every night before going to sleep that I don’t wake up. I just can’t face another day of nothingness. I haven’t been taking care of myself, more now so than before I got the disability. I shower maybe twice a week if that. I don’t do housework, though my mother now needs help with it. I’m not sure how I can help her as I can’t really be on my feet for too long.
It sucks having Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I’m lucky it likes the cold as the temperature has dropped to the twenties. I cannot tolerate the heat anymore. I like to be warm but not too warm. Sometimes I can’t even have the sheet on my feet/leg it bothers me so bad. But at least the swelling has gone down some though I still have a lump in my leg where it shouldn’t be. I so want to excise it. But I have been told that I might cause more damage if I excise than leaving it alone. I’m just glad that the voices haven’t been around telling me to excise it. I would have to go back to the hospital. I am taking my antipsychotic med. I have to take it every other day or else I become delusional and psychotic. It has been helping with the paranoia that I had when I was on a crowded bus or train. Now I can be around people without freaking out that they are going to kill me. How fun it is having Schizoaffective disorder or as my therapist calls it just bipolar disorder with psychosis. Apparently I don’t have the “positive” features of the Schizoaffective part.

I haven’t been hospitalized for almost six months. That’s good but I have been feeling like I should be in. I just can’t take living my life anymore but then I know I won’t really get the help I need. Most hospitals don’t have time for individual work and so lump you in with a group of treaters to talk for 15 minutes of the day. Then it’s back to the ward doing nothing but arts and crafts all fucking day, least until dinner time. The groups they have are useless. On a good day you might get psychotherapy group. I like that group, I can get something out of it. I should make an effort to go to an outpatient group therapy but of course I have no motivation or inclination to do so. I think it might break up the monotony of the day but that would mean leaving the house at least once a week. I was thinking of going to a LGBT group to be more comfortable. And maybe help with the transitioning of things but I don’t think you can do that in a group. I don’t know, maybe next week I will call. Or have my therapist call to find out more information about it. It will be local so I wouldn’t have to travel too far. I just am afraid I might not be able to walk to the center because it is too far from the T stop. There isn’t a bus that goes by and the closest train stop is more than a few blocks away. Difficult for someone with mobility issues. Course I could take a cab but that is just wasting money to me but maybe it is something to think about. But that is if I get “accepted” into the group to begin with.

Mental and Physical Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, writing

I’m up in pain and listening to Casey James. I love his music and guitar playing. I think the guitar is the best instrument to listen to when you are in a bad mood. It just does something to the brain. Or maybe I just like it because I like it.

So I am in pain tonight because I did too much today. Can’t do stuff that a normal person can do like go up and downstairs, put a bookcase together and then carry it up the stairs even though it wasn’t that heavy. I plan on getting a bigger one, maybe a six shelved case. That ought to be able to get my stuff off the floor. Right now my new book case is half full and I haven’t even really started putting stuff in it yet. My “bible” of suicidology books doesn’t fit in it so I am going to have to put it in the bookcase in the hallway.

I wish I could do things that I used to be able to do without pain. My left foot feels like it is being stabbed repeatedly. In addition to being stabbed, it also feels like it is going to snap if I move it the wrong way. Oh the joys of nerve pain. Always changing. It never is the same night after night. Makes it interesting and then when you go to the doc you have to explain to them that the pain has changed. No you no longer have a barbed wire across your ankle, you just have a constant drilling feeling. Sometimes I think the doctors think you make this stuff up just to get drugs but without the drugs, I would be a suicidal nightmare. It is bad enough that I want to cut. But that I because of another issue.
My back is aching like I did manual labor for hours. I can still move but I know I will probably be a little stiff tomorrow. I will do some of my exercises to loosen up the tight muscles before getting out of bed tomorrow. That is all that I can do to prevent a relapse. If it hurts too much I can always drug myself to obviation.

I thought that would happen by now but I still have some words left in me that I have to get out before succumbing to pharmacology. I am hoping tomorrow I get my hair cut. It is getting pretty long and I don’t like it long. I especially don’t like it when I have wisps of hair sticking out of my ball cap and glasses. It is driving me crazy but my cousin has assured me that tomorrow afternoon he will cut it, though he didn’t call tonight to confirm.

Did I tell you that my foot hurts? My ankle is having weird pains and my leg just is on fire? I can’t win tonight. Why am I in pain other than the fact that I did too much today? Why does doing too much bother me? No it’s not because I am fat and lazy. Its because I have been left with a nerve condition known as Cauda Equina Syndrome, CES for short. It’s when the horse’s tail part of your nerves get disrupted because of a trauma or disc material gets embedded in it. In my case I had this syndrome twice due to a disc rupturing. I have had four back surgeries, 2 at different levels. If I had them closer together I might have needed a fusion and then I would be permanently out of work forever. Right now I am out of work on disability. Mostly because of mental reasons. I also suffer from mental illness as I constantly want to kill myself every day for this reason or that but I am forbidden to do it. I just can’t muster enough courage to end my life. I constantly wish I was dead just so I wouldn’t have to deal with my physical or mental pain. Right now I am just dealing with the physical. But throw in some mental pain and I am ready to be committed and that is no fun.

I wish I had normal control of the lower part of my body again. But I don’t think it is ever going to happen. If anything this pain reminds me that 12 years ago I messed up my back due to a chiropractor. She adjusted my spine and my disc responded by exploding. It left me with something called foot drop and I have been in trouble with my left foot/ankle/leg since then. I get tired easily. I can’t walk long distances like I used to. My foot will just become weak the more I try to use it. It sucks. And I am only 37 years old. I don’t know how I got to be this old but I know I won’t make it to be 38…

why i think about suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Suicide is the ultimate escape. The place you can go to when all seems and feels hopeless. I often think about killing myself at least twice a day or more if I am feeling really hurt and hopeless. Pain is another reason I think about suicide. Pain can be either physical or mental for me. Mostly these days it’s mental. I do not like myself. I loathe myself to the degree I would rather be dead than live this way. I hate the way I look. I hate the way my body is. I am ugly and disgusting and no one can tell me otherwise. My therapist says that I have a form of body dysmorphic disorder because I loathe myself so much. It’s just another reason to kill myself. Another reason to end my life.
Yet despite all this loathing and self-hating and pain, I’m still alive. I’ve come up with a date to end my life. I have decided that 38 years of living is long enough, or close to it anyways. I try not to think about it I try to think of now and live but its just too damn hard when you have to force yourself to breathe everyday. Sure the lungs work automatically but to actually breathe freely without this elephant sitting on your chest, that is what I am talking about. I used to say weight on the chest but what is that exactly. Not very accurate visually. Unless you have been to a gym and know what a weight is and looks like, most people don’t know. An elephant is easier to visualize and imagine better.
Right now I am at a café in a bookstore in Harvard Square. I bet no one knows that I am suicidal. They just see a guy writing in a notebook, drinking a lime soda. That what kills me. The invisibility of it all. These thoughts are mine and mine alone, unless I speak of it like I am doing now. No one knows. No friend or family member knows except my therapist and psychiatrist. Sometimes guilt will make me not want to commit suicide. I feel bad because I have worked with these caregivers for more than a decade. MY psychiatrist I have worked with for almost two decades. Yet I don’t but do care how they will react to my suicide. Will their attitudes change? Will they refuse to see other clients who are suicidal? Most will.
My therapist keeps saying I am the exception not the rule. But I am tired of living in constant misery. Misery that only the blog world knows about. I can’t share my misery with others because I have become so ingrained to keep it to myself. I keep it to myself so as not to worry my friends and family members. They wouldn’t understand anyways. My family is not one of openness. I am not blaming them for how I turned out. I don’t blame anyone but myself for my suicidal thoughts. It’s my fault. Maybe if I got help sooner I wouldn’t be this way but that is doubtful, it took me twelve years of therapy to realize what the root of my suicidality was. I was suicidal since I was eight years old. It wasn’t because I was abused (although I have been by multiple family members) but not at that ago. Suicide just came to me at that ago and has been with me ever since. I didn’t like myself back then anymore than I do now. But it was because of reasons I had not thought of. Reasons I could not articulate like I can now as an adult. I realized I was a girl and I didn’t like it. I developed into one an hated it. But I couldn’t say anything to anyone, not even my best friend from childhood because back then you just didn’t say what you felt or what you thought. I would have fallen on deaf ears and it’s not like psychiatry/psychology is like it is now. I have always felt like an outcast and coming out as a “boy” would have further set me into outcast land.
Just like when I thought I was a homosexual, I thought of killing myself. I felt like I was severely psychotic liking another woman. Again I didn’t say anything to anybody, not even my therapist at the time because I was fearful of being committed to the hospital. I already had a few by this point. But I met a fellow inpatient that showed me it was ok to be gay and I’m grateful for that.
My therapist now does what she can for helping me accept being a transgender but part of me always wonders whether one day she will have me committed for these thoughts. And I don’t mean the suicidal ones.
Why am I not in the hospital if I am chronically suicidal? Because I’m not “actively” suicidal. If I was in imminent danger to myself, like I was going to do it right this second, at this very moment, I would be hospitalized, probably against my will.
But at this stage I just feel like my telling my providers I’m suicidal is like me crying wolf. I’ve said this so many times I don’t really think anyone believes I will act on it. Hell I don’t even feel like I will act on it. I want so much to die and though I have made active plans to kill myself, I am still here. I have not attempted in several years now. At this point I wish it could be just a wish that I could be granted at anytime. I sometimes wish I lived in the times of the Ancient Greeks where if you constantly asked for permission, eventually you were granted permission and “allowed” to kill yourself with hemlock. Now the governments of most societies say it’s all part of mental illness and every life should be saved. Now do you see why I am not vocal on my suicide thoughts. I have to keep them secret for fear of commitment. But a hospital stay is not what I need. Being six feet under and pushing up daisies is what I desire. That is truly what I want.
Somehow between my last “attempt” seven years ago, I lost my lethality. I lost the will to truly die. Even though I wish to be dead on a constant basis, don’t get me wrong, I have no will so to speak to truly act on my thoughts anymore. I lost the intensity of my constriction, my narrow minded thinking. Because of this I am still alive though I desperately wish I was dead.

Ramblings 23

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender, writing

Seeing as I didn’t go to bed till six this morning, I fell asleep only to wake up at 10 and then 12 then at 4. I didn’t go to Walgreens like I had planned. But I did take a shower and brush my teeth.
I watched the football game, well the Patriots one as always. I am so happy they won. It was an awesome game.
At around 5 this morning I took some more neurontin, about 1500 mg. that is my normal dose. I took it to get some sleep but it back fired and I hardly slept at all. I am just so tired even though I slept in intervals. I hope I don’t have an all nighter tonight. I am feeling still out of it like Neurontin makes me. I keep bumping into things like a drunk person. My mother mad me mad and so I punched the wall. She was blaming me for the settings on the tv. She messes them up then blames me for it. I hate her for it. And it’s so damn simple if she would just pay attention but no it’s better to yell and scream at me for doing something that I didn’t do.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. It is going to be interesting because my therapist left her a voicemail and I sent her one of my blogs. She didn’t send the police after me so I guess that is a good thing. But she does know about my plan to kill myself later this year is all doesn’t go well. Right now that plan seems far away. I know some people will hate me for it but if I can’t be who I am going to be then I am just going to end it. Screw everything. I won’t have a life anyways.