Tag: suicidality

Tuesday 29 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tuesday 29 Jan 19

I had a rotten night. I was in a lot of severe pain and my mood sucked really bad so the suicidal part of me came out. I was talking to a guy on Twitter that said I had to watch this spiritual video and then say Jesus to be helped. I find all the crackpots. If he reads this, sorry buddy, you aren’t my cup of tea! I didn’t have a response to anyone last night except my CRPS group but they were all the same like me, wanting to cut their limbs off. It was nice to be able to share these things without people getting all horrified. Like when you talk about suicide and they freak out. I really hate that and do anything to stop the conversation.

I woke up when my med alarm went off, which was about 4 hours after I fell asleep. I didn’t sleep laying down but kind of in a reclining position. I had a stiff neck because my neck was hanging instead of being supported. I then got rid of the pillow that was supporting my knees and just when I got all nice and comfy to go back to sleep, my bladder had to use the bathroom. Fucking asshole. I was pissed. My mother was up and was noisy as all hell. I was getting mad and didn’t go into the kitchen. I did my business and then went upstairs. I took some Neurontin, Ativan, and benedryl after sending an email to my psychiatrist about whether or not my PCP would be receptive to talking about pain management again. She never responded, which means she either didn’t have time to answer or didn’t want to answer. I ended up emailing the chickenshit because my bones were hurting me. I don’t remember the time I mailed him but it is now well after 4 pm so I doubt I will get a response. My high ankle bones are hurting really bad and the last time this happened, which happened to be last week, the pain traveled down to my lower ankle and foot bones. ALL OF THEM! I was delirious from lack of sleep so I just laughed. I honestly never experienced that before so I didn’t know what to do about it. Because he didn’t answer, I ended up taking a pain pill, which means I will be short tomorrow because I just am in so much pain with the weather being a dick. Tomorrow is going to snow and then turn to rain. Then the temps are going to plummet. So ya, pain storm ahead! I kind of am anticipating pain but what I am to do about it, I have no fucking clue! I am beyond pissed I have no help from the doctors. I have to rely on just so hokey pokey shit and hope it works. Most of the time though, I am just trying to distract. I will go on Facebook or Twitter or YouTube and just scroll through. I sometimes watch the videos because after someone posts one, there is a list of more after it. And they are usually more fun to watch then the one posted. I found a lot of baby ones one night. It was so cute! They were being so funny especially the twins.

I really want to make a cup of tea and have sugar cookies but not sure that will cause me pain. I got to take my night meds soon and I am really tired. I should be sleeping but I am fighting it. I just keep expecting bone pain because I keep having the high ankle bone hurting me. My foot is buzzing so that isn’t good either. So if I can sleep, I better get to it.

Ambling swears continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

am still around. Haven’t looked at saws on Amazon, yet. Foot is acting up and my mother is being noisy as hell. Fuck! Had a rough night sleeping. I am tired as fuck. Bowels are exploding. No idea why. Just took meds to sleep the day away. Don’t care because my alternative isn’t pretty. I am sick of being in pain 24/7. Just fucking shoot me now. I can’t go on like this and the weather is going to be painful as hell. So this is how my morning is going. Back in the gutter. Putting plan in motion when I wake up. So tired of insomnia, no pun intended. Ok enough rambling, for now

Trying to deal with transphobia in the home

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trying to deal with transphobia in the home

Yesterday the lunatic called and told my mother that hospitals are no longer giving babies a sex. They are leaving it blank, often a U until the child is old enough to realize its gender. My aunt was having a coronary over this issue and my mother was agreeing with her, in front of me! I tried to give information these ignorant women didn’t know but I could see my efforts weren’t going anywhere.

It really bothered me. I had to get ready for my therapy appointment and was hoping the bus was going to be on time. I went upstairs to get dressed. I temporarily forgot the conversation as I grabbed the things I needed and then went downstairs to put my shoes and jacket on. It was supposed to be slightly warmer but the wind made it really cold. I got to the bus stop and there I connected the dots. My mother was transphobic. I felt a knife in my heart. I got really sad. I didn’t go to Starbucks because I had coffee at home.

I got to my therapist’s office and he was surprised I didn’t know my mother was transphobic. I was kind of pissed he knew but didn’t let on to me. Like WTF. We talked about things and how I felt. I started crying out of frustration. I didn’t know how to deal with this and I still don’t. It is not like I have another place to go. I live with this bitch. And today is her birthday. My sister wanted me to make dirty gravy and have a meal with her. I made the gravy but I didn’t do any celebrating because I was hurting too much.

When I got home from therapy yesterday, I said I had to get off the grid but I ended up going through my friends list on FB and unfriended all my family members, including my sisters and their friends that we were mutual with. Once I did that, I went back because a couple of my good friends had posted and were supportive. I texted the few that I had their numbers to tell the truth. I didn’t want to post right then why I was “off the grid”.

I now know that there is no chance of my mother EVER accepting me and don’t dare tell me it is a generation thing. A mother is supposed to accept their child no matter what and love them unconditionally. There is something morally wrong with my mother and I have tried for years to look past it. But this is why I didn’t come out 12 years ago as a transgendered person. Because I wasn’t sure how my mother was going to be with it. Now I know she will never be okay with it and it bothers me very deeply. She never understood me. She still wants me to be her little girl. That is NEVER going to happen. She can’t accept that and I refuse to not be who I am because she can’t. I have been 85% suicidal most of my life because of this. Even while I was talking to my therapist, I grew suicidal and he said why am I not angry towards them rather than myself. (He is Freudian, and it drives me fucking crazy.) I honestly just want to die than live with a transphobic woman. I have no idea why she is tolerating me, probably because I am tolerating her. But I am in so much pain. It hurts so much realizing this. I haven’t been able to blog because I was afraid I was going to have a breakdown. I cried for three hours yesterday. I thought about password protecting this but I am not going to. I am tired of secrets in the family. If I am a “secret” then so be it. I am not going to hide who I am because a family member has their incorrect opinions about it and is ignorant. I can say more but I want to go to sleep not be pissed off.

I am trying to hold it together but inside I am falling apart. It is just one more thing to add fuel to the suicidal fire. I was thinking of ending my life in May. Yes, I have started making plans again. They are not concrete this time. But they help me deal with my thoughts when they come around. I am not sure if I will still be on Facebook. I didn’t block any of my family (except for those already blocked). I am just tired of dealing with those “lurkers” and you like their posts but they never comment or like yours or never say anything about your post except in real life, like what the fuck. I am just tired of the bullshit. People follow me, fine. Some social media I can’t control but FB I have some control and frankly with their ads and hiding posts all the time, I am not sure I am going to stay on the site. It just isn’t fun like it was. Today I had an ad for an incontinent underwear. It said that it had strength. Why would you need strength in something like that unless you have heavy shits?? I don’t get it. So dumb. I am tired of that and the longer, stronger, penis ads. GRRR those annoy me to no end. I don’t have a dick so why are you sending me this shit??? I don’t know anymore. I am just done. I’ll just stay with my books and journal writing.

Weird few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Weird few days

Met with my psych today. I told her I think I’ve been hypomanic as I’ve been spending like crazy and have become really impulsive. I crash at night per usual or the next day. It would explain why my sleep cycle has been so off the past 2 weeks since lowering my dose of trileptal. So I am going to take another mood stabilizer, lamictal, and hope it does something. I have been having more flare ups which I feared might happen as before my 2nd CES, I was only on the trileptal. I was barely taking pain meds and nerve pain was controlled so I didn’t need gaba..that all went to hell when ces hit me again and my ankle became CRPS. But since the pain med change I was fine. Now that I have had to lower the trileptal. Omg holy hell. Flares hurt more. Like 7 days. They are getting harder to control. I am having to do whatever it takes to stop hurting. I know it will bite me in the ass but until the mood thing straightens out, I don’t think anything else will be helpful. I didn’t want to play too much with Gaba during the day because I could literally walk into walls or worse fall down stairs. I have to be careful at night with dosing and how much I drink because if I have to pee, well I am dozy. I’ve also become suicidal again. I haven’t told my therapist yet. But my psych gets it. I was in a bad flare and if I could move, I wouldn’t be here. Luckily, I am not planning again during times I am not in pain so that is good, least for now.

My insurance for mental health benefits suck. My therapist says it is the worst ones out there and he will be leaving the provider network sometime this year. So it will just be Medicare I will be billed. I had this whole idea just to use this insurance but now doesn’t look like it.

I am fucked because like I said I spent money I shouldn’t have. I have some cash but had to mail some stuff out so that has dwindled. I don’t know what the cost is going to be for lamictal or pain meds yet. It will be Monday. And I hope the starter pack is covered. I just have to watch out for rash. Great. I think I was on it before but the doctor was increasing it monthly and wanted me up to 300 mg. After 2 months I said fuck it. It would take 6 months to get up to 300 and I was on at 75 mg at 2 months. It didn’t help my pain at all, but then dose was so low. The most expensive meds are my psych meds. Monday I find out what my pain med is going to cost. Pharmacy can’t run it through until processing it. So dumb.

I see my pcp this month. I got to ask him what to do about this heel pain. I don’t know if it is plantar fasciitis or not. The stretches haven’t been helpful but I am going to try them using a belt. It is really inflamed and when I was using a gel insert I felt my foot turn causing the side where I have torn tendons to hurt. Needless to say, I am hurting. I came home and my mother was in the living room. We were talking and I turned around, nearly lost my balance. So now I am using the walker until things calm down. I am in my room and going to blog soon. Was supposed to go to my niece’s party but I can’t do stairs. Plus I don’t want to be around anyone as I am really irritable with the pain and hypomania. I don’t want a fight. Almost happened NYE as my know it all cousin tries telling me diabetes doesn’t run in our family. Her uncle and my mother, her aunt have it, my other uncle was diagnosed, though I think he has type 2 not 1 that my mother has and a lot of cousins with it. But it doesn’t run in our family. I had to walk away. She is so dumb and believes “drugs” causes schizophrenia as well as the naval service. So infuriates me. I feel bad for her brothers as one does have schizophrenia and the other bipolar disorder. No support at all. I’ve decided after NYE, I am done with them. The whole time I was surrounded by my cousins, I felt like an outsider. It was so toxic to be around them so washing my hands of them. My sister wants the nuts at her house, fine. I won’t attend. I don’t care. I had the worse flare NYE after cooking and partying. I was in agony because my foot was so swollen (also manic but whatever). I couldn’t move my big toe. It was so big. Just not worth the aggravation.

So that is what is going on. Hopefully I don’t have to change therapists because I don’t know if I can afford him once he is off the insurance. 20% is a lot when you are broke. I just have to uninstall Amazon lol fucking thing makes buying shit so easy. Lol