Tag: therapist

overslept and out of breath

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Overslept and out of breath

I overslept for my PT appointment today. I couldn’t get up 8 like I wanted to I had woken up around 6 to pee and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I should have stayed up. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and when I came back up the street, I was out of breath. I was also sweating a lot. I feel like walking up the street was my cardio workout for the day.

I had therapy yesterday and it was annoying. Therapist wants me join a chronic pain support group. I am supposed to text her when I do. I looked up the number yesterday but it wasn’t there so had to email the partial program guy to get the number. He has responded; I just got to call now. I hate talking on the phone with people. I rather email them. I hope the group meets via zoom rather than in person.

Therapist and I only had a half hour session because she messed up her schedule. That was fine by me. I got her patronizing lecture of how she is the clinician and basically knows what is best for me. I feel like canceling Monday’s appointment. She probably will talk me out of it though. I don’t know. I hate canceling with therapists. Sometimes it is just easier to show up than cancel. I just hate when they ask why and you don’t have a “good” reason.

Back has been acting up since walking back home from the pharmacy. I took a Zanaflex which I hate doing because it makes me sleepy. I am not doing anything tonight so I don’t mind if I am sleepy. I have been lax in taking it during the day. Neck and arm/shoulder has been okay today. I haven’t been so sore like I was the last time I was dry needled. I had five appointments this week so I was spent which is probably why I overslept. It takes so much mental energy to go to these appointments even though they are virtual, well except my PT. PT is in person. But even that is mental energy to get dressed and taking the bus to show up.

I tried canceling my therapy appointment for Mon and it failed. She basically said given the severity of my depression and suicidality she didn’t think it was a good idea to not meet, at least to just check in. So I will be seeing her. I hate her. She is always calling me out on my depression. I just need a fricken break. I don’t get what is so hard about this.

I was able to sleep for a little bit but my leg kept jerking so I couldn’t go into a deep sleep. I took some meds to try and make me relaxed. My neck is tight so I could use the ease of the meds right now. I am not in pain right now, which I guess is good. Back is still cramping so I don’t know what to do about that. I am ready to take some more magnesium. It seems that is the only thing that quiets down my back. And it has no side effects so I am for it.

depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Depressed

Yesterday I was really down and needed to talk. I felt I had to tell my youngest sister I was depressed so I texted her and we spoke for a few minutes before my therapy session. I feel all I did was worry my sister as she didn’t understand where I was coming from. I told her I just couldn’t get the stuff in my room done because it was too difficult for me with this shoulder pain that is bringing me down. I am in more pain lately because of it and it is really making me depressed. I just don’t see a way out other than suicide and no one wants that.

I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday. I asked her if I needed therapy and she didn’t know how to respond to it. I was in a really depressed state while talking to her. I was also in pain with my shoulder. I tried massaging out the pain but I wasn’t successful. I really hope tomorrow’s PT session helps. I talked about being in pain in therapy. I felt like I was falling on deaf ears. Just like when I was talking to my middle sister about it. I sent her some memes (sister). I don’t know how else to get things across to my family how bad things are with me. Then my therapist thinks I got to change and I was taken aback by this. She has been hinting all along that my perception of my family needs to change so that I don’t get so upset by them because they are not going to change.

I know I have talked about finding another therapist but I just can’t right now. My depression is too disabling. I will stick with this therapist because I am tired. I don’t have the energy to look for one. The one I am seeing isn’t bad. I know she wants the best for me and that is why she pushes me and challenges me so much. Maybe I should tell her to lay off so hard. I am seeing her tomorrow afternoon.

I seriously need to lower the Latuda. My muscles are spastic at times and that isn’t helping my shoulder pain. I changed my PT appointment to virtual today. I don’t know if this is going to be helpful or not but it snowed and I don’t want to risk falling because of snow drifts. My sister said it was messy out so I really don’t want to go out. Besides, the temp changes have caused my ankle to flare up so walking wouldn’t be good for me today anyways.

I went out yesterday to get my haircut. It had been two months since I seen my barber. It is always good to see him. We talked shit and it felt good. I love my haircut. I get it cut the same way all the time, bald fade and light on the top, though I am letting it grow. I took a shower and it exhausted me afterwards. My back cramped up because someone turned down the heat in the house so the house was cold. I didn’t want to leave the shower stall because it was nice and warm.

cramping and don’t know why

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Cramping and don’t know why

Past two days I have felt cramps in my lower abdomen similar to period cramps but I no longer get them and I am worried it could be my bladder as they seem more intense when I am full or close to it. I still don’t have a clear sense to when I am full due to nerve damage I have suffered from. I am supposed to have urodynamic testing to see if my bladder has improved or not but scheduling has been difficult due to Covid. I need to bite the bullet and call to make the appointment. I also need to have a hysterectomy because if these cramps are uterine cramps I want the fucking thing gone. It is totally useless to me.

I have been in a bad mood all weekend, well, not really bad just really depressed and suicidal. I have been in so much pain with my ankle the past few days that the pain is really driving me insane. I’ve had to take more breakthrough meds just to get through the day and then my shoulders have been acting up so I have been in some serious pain last few days. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it. I haven’t brought it up in group because physical pain is not really a mental health issue, though with it causing me to be suicidal, I guess you can say it is. I just have been zoning out in groups. I have my last week this week, thank god. I will be going five days this week, three groups per day. I tend to go to the first three groups unless the fourth one is interesting and I want to go to it. Then I will skip the DBT one for the fourth. The program had been helpful but now that I find myself in a semi crisis I am finding it didn’t really help that much. I found myself asking “ok, what skill or coping thing can I do”? but nothing was really coming to me as I didn’t know what to fucking do. I was in pain so going downstairs for an ice pack to use the TIPP skill wasn’t possible. I just wanted to die and as instantaneously as possible. Today has been better but these cramps are getting me down. I haven’t been faithfully taking my bladder spasm medication so it is possible my bladder is upset right now.

I just realized I forgot to do my meds this afternoon. I will have to do them soon as I need to take them in about an hour. Can’t believe I forgot. Today has just gotten away with me with all the pain I have been having. I got on my sister’s scale today and found that it was almost a ten pound difference between my scale. So all this time I thought I gained weight, I really lost weight. I feel better about this. My weight has been slowly decreasing over the past few weeks. I am really hoping to lose at least twenty-five pounds so I can have top surgery. I don’t know when I will have it but I hope it will be sometime this year.

the 330 am blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The 330 am blog

I’ve been up since 0130 because of pain. My right shoulder hurts and didn’t get better until I got up and started stretching it out a bit. I’ve been in a weird mood since waking up. I feel like I should be suicidal with the amount of pain that I am in but I am not. I don’t know if this is a good sign that I am getting better or what. I think the groups is helping me though I don’t know how because the skills I haven’t learned really. I know what they are but I haven’t worked on them. I have tried the DEAR MAN skill that my therapist wants me to but we had to go over it and then I dissociated afterwards so I don’t remember a thing about what we talked about. I didn’t even know if I had attended the session so I asked her if I did. She said I did. So weird.

I have one more week of groups and then I am done and I don’t think I will go back. It was too stressful. Plus my email kept deleting the emails that the clinicians were sending and I don’t know why that is. I got to make a rule so that it goes to my inbox and nowhere else.

My therapist wants me to send her screenshots of the handouts I am given during groups. I think she wants to make sure I am going and I find this irritating. I feel like she doesn’t trust me. The agreement was that I would text her and Then I would have a response to what I was texting. Thing is the past few days I haven’t had any responses to what I text her about. I feel like this is a one way street again.

I haven’t really participated in group that past few days. I listen but I have been getting bored. Even the group that I thought would be interesting was a flop. I didn’t like it at all. I have been going to the first three groups because those are the most important ones as they are mostly clinical. The first one is just a check in and the other two are either CBT or DBT groups. I find it interesting that they are using both therapies in the program. Both are useful, don’t get me wrong and they do work to their own extent.

I love the therapist that I have in the program. He is so energetic and empathetic and fun to work with. He is a really good guy and I love when he leads groups because he makes them fun instead of boring. He brings this energy that is positive and soothing. I love it. I am going to miss him when I leave. I feel like I should write him an email but I think I will wait as it is the weekend. I am surprised the hospital doesn’t recognize MLK day. It is this Monday and my therapist is off but the program is on. Very weird.

I have put back the weight I lost. I am disappointed in this because I was able to go below 200 and now I am a few pounds over. My struggle with weight is so finicky. It all depends on my appetite and if I eat regularly. Lately I have just been eating one meal a day because I usually full and don’t want to eat anything else for the day. This talking about eating is making me hungry. I think I am going to make scrambled eggs with cheese. I just hope we have the bread.