Category: Bipolar Disorder

Sunday Blog 23 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 23 Sept 18

I saw my friend in the hospital today. It was good to see my friends. Even though I worked at the hospital and knew where to go, it was exhausting walking around. From the garage to the building he was at, just exhausted me. He wanted something in the café and that was another excursion. The café had changed so much I didn’t know where the ice machine was. By the time I found it and went back to the floor, then back to his room, said our good-byes, and then walked back to the garage, I was glad we didn’t go to the restaurant. There was no way I could walk there. My foot was really bothering me. I forgot my pain meds.

I came home. I wasn’t hungry right away but knew I needed something more than a few cookies that I had with my coffee earlier this afternoon. I rested and then the pain got bad. It was about 6 pm. I have noticed my pain seems to increase around 12 and 6 hours. I don’t think the extended release is doing anything. I am afraid to say this because they could just say they won’t give me anything. That will be worse. I also know that around 9 my pain is much worse but that is most likely because the extended release has worn off.

I waited a bit and then got hungry. I didn’t know what to have. In the end I decided a burrito would do. It would be a few seconds and no cooking would be involved. I had to take my meds. I didn’t fill my med box for the week so that took some doing. I brought up a bag full of powerades and my leg didn’t like that. I am in so much pain it’s not funny. I saw something on my big toe. It was some skin that was off. I pulled it off but didn’t want to tear it off. I cut it and tried to get it closer to the skin but the position I had to have my ankle/foot didn’t like it at all. I am so sick of being in pain.

I am also sick of the Kavanaugh proceedings. If he was a decent person, he should have withdrew his nomination by now but he must be an asshole like the rest of the elected GOP is. All throughout my Twitter it was football, baseball, and then bullshit tweets. It is driving me crazy and it is triggering me because it is making me remember my own sexual abuse that was between my ex and a family member. There is other abuse but I won’t talk about it because a few members of my family read my blog. The family member I mention is known to be a predator. The other one not so much. Still, I am on the fence on talking about it. But remembering it all doesn’t fucking help. I have therapy tomorrow so will try and bring it up. It will depend on how I feel. There is no point in texting my therapist about it because it will be ignored. Anything I want to talk about, it has to be in session only. Fucking sucks big time when you want to talk about something hard but have no idea how to and you think a text might be a Segway into it but it goes into the cyber void. It still might go to the cyber void when I talk about it in therapy. Sometimes I talk about stuff and I have no idea why I brought it up because he didn’t do this or that with what I told him. Sometimes I wonder why I continue to go, like what the hell is the benefit if I am not getting the help I am looking for. I am trying to write about this in the blog I am writing. I wanted to work on it today but I was too distracted with my friends coming to get me and then going to the hospital.

I shaved and showered. I am one week post my haircut and there is some semblance of it still present. I give it another week until I need to go back and get it cut again. My royalties for my kindle came in at a whopping $14 so I can afford a haircut now. Only thing that sucks is that I am not sure my new disability pass will come in before the end of the month to get the monthly pass. That will suck because I have a lot of appointments in Oct so will need the pass. Otherwise I have to keep track of the balance so I don’t get low. That is a pain in the butt because I will have to make sure I have money to put on the card if it does until the end of the month. I hope the new card comes this week so I can stop worrying.

First day of Fall 22-Sept-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

First day of Fall 22 Sept 18

I read a few chapters of the book “Helping the suicidal person” By Dr. Stacey Freedenthal. I bought it because I am a geek in suicidology and because I came to know the therapist through Twitter during a rough patch. I was extremely hopeless and she gave me links on her blog to help. This all lead me to write the therapist blog I have been meaning to write. I was almost done when I got a phone call. It was my friend’s husband saying that they located my elderly friend in the hospital and that was why he hasn’t been returning our phone calls. I am relieved. Tomorrow we are going to see him. So while we were talking, I lost my train of thought so decided to write another one, on a different topic.

Today has been cool. I woke up later than I wanted. I was debating on going to the bank or not and to do the errands I needed to do. I ended up going to the bank and then to the Stop and Shop for a few things. I came home and made a sandwich. I bought cold cuts. It and four cookies have been all that I have eaten today. I might have a burrito after I take my night meds. I am getting hungry again.

It got really musty in my room because I shut the fan off. I left to use the bathroom and when I came back, put the AC on but on a high temp so I didn’t freeze. I just need it to dehumidify my room. I plan on getting some damp rid stuff to control the odor. It is bad because of the rain and what not and I don’t have much air circulating because I keep my door closed to block the sounds of the TV downstairs. My allergies have been awful today for a low/medium count. Sinuses hurt and I have post nasal drip. Fucking sucks. I have year round allergies so I know part of it is the change in weather (for now). I should have taken another allegra this morning but didn’t because the pollen was low. Won’t do that again.

I got to shave my head. I haven’t decided if I am going to shower after or not. I really don’t want to. I might wait until tomorrow as I will be going out anyways. I want to take one this morning but it never happened. My mother said something about me sleeping late the last two days. I just ignored her. She doesn’t understand anyway. I went to request a refill of my ear drops as the eczema is back in my ear. The drops I have, have expired. Med isn’t in my med list. I have no idea when it was taken off. I am so annoyed because I go through this every single year since my new PCP and he always gives me a hard time filling the med. I wouldn’t request it if I didn’t need it. It is either use these drops or scratch the fuck out of my ear canal. Maybe I should tell him that. How did I get this moron???

back pain sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Back pain sucks!

I woke up in the same position I went to sleep in, which is weird because I almost never do. My back was hurting. I slowly shift so I could take my meds and get up. Standing hurt like a SOB. My legs were hurting so bad. And I could not stand up straight. Not a good sign. I went to the bathroom and did my business. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted coffee but decided to hold off. I wanted to go into town so I could get a new disability pass for the T. Bus was coming in like 4 minutes and there was no way I was rushing as I hurt too bad. There was another bus in 25 minutes. That was better. By the time I was ready, I had like 9 minutes before the bus showed up. I walked to the bus stop and was half way down the street when I needed to rest. My back was not having it. I stopped where some stairs were. I checked when the bus would come and I still had some time. I just had to cross the main street and hope that the bus stop had a seat because there was no way I would be able to stand waiting.

I got on the bus and was chatting with my BFF. She totally gets how the back pain is. I got to the train station and carefully made my way to where I had to go. It was at a train stop but it was on the other side of the station. I walked down the wrong concourse. Then when I was going the right way, there were stairs everywhere. WTF There was a guy drinking when I got to the final staircase and I said are you fucking kidding me and he yelled at me. I told him it wasn’t directed at him and I apologized. He didn’t care what the fuck I was doing or where I was going. I finally made it to where I was. I should have brought water with me as I was thirsty. It was quick and then I got home. I was almost at my stop so I stood up. OMG my spine moved and it hurt so bad. I sat back down. When the train came to the stop, I got up gingerly and was okay. I got on the escalator. Bus was coming in a few minutes but I knew it was just an estimate. I waited at the stop, standing, for at least 15 minutes. I was hurting so fucking bad. I was just worried about walking the block home. I needed coffee.

Mail had come when I got to my house. My back was killing me. I put the barrels in the driveway so my sister wouldn’t yell at me. I separated the mail and then made my coffee. I took off my braces as it was making, so I thought. I got back and the Keurig needed water. Fucking fuck. I filled it and it made a full cup of coffee. Sometimes I get ¾ of a cup. I carefully brought it and the mail upstairs. I gave my mother her mail and then went to the kitchen to rest and make something to eat. As I drank the coffee I didn’t know what I wanted. I made my go to, a fried egg. When I finished that, I was still hungry so I had a burger. I ate it with my coffee.

Yesterday I complained to Starbucks about how I had to wait for a cookie that didn’t have to be warmed because of their new system. Once you place an order, the Starbucks person needs to wait for a sticker to do the order. The cashier wasn’t doing anything. All he had to do after I placed my order was get the cookie. I waited like 10 minutes for the thing. I was so mad. I got $7 for my inconvenience. I am glad because the new system sucks. I have no idea why they are wasting paper instead of writing on the cup. So stupid. Casi Cielo is back. I am getting another bag along with Pike. I am running low on coffee. I am going to get some more on Monday. I am also going to try and get a reusable pod thing so I don’t waste coffee. I saw them in CVS and hope they still carry them. I will try and get them online if I can’t find it.

Monday is going to be a busy day as I got a doctor’s appointment and then see my therapist. I am going to be out all day. Hope my legs are up to it. I do have Tuesday as a rest day. Not a busy week but therapy takes a lot out of me, just physically and emotionally. Last night I was thinking of writing a blog about it. I might do that later today if I can remember my thoughts. I think it will be interesting to write about how different he is from the other therapists I have had. He is number 14. I have had a lot, from all different degrees. Maybe I will write it on paper and then type it up. We’ll see.

Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychosis

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.