Category: Chronic pain

tired and blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired and blah

I didn’t want to go to groups today but I went anyway, to all five of them. I usually skip the last group because I think it is a waste of time but I went anyway today. I haven’t been eating so been really tired and am now starting to feel weak because I haven’t eaten in three days. I wanted to make a sandwich today but the bread was frozen so I had to wait. I think I will make the sandwich after I finish this blog.

I got a new copy of Trauma and Recovery that I plan on reading tonight. My therapist was sarcastic in her response when I told her so I am not sure if she likes me reading this or not. It isn’t a light book to read but I think I will learn from it.

A storm is supposed to pass through tonight dropping a crap load of snow. I am glad I went out yesterday to get what I needed. I should have bought burgers. I need to get them this weekend. I haven’t had a homemade burger in so long.

I just read my therapist’s notes and it paints a depressing picture. Made me feel more depressed reading it than anything. She spells out my symptoms of depression clearly. I guess I am just in denial again about how depressed I am. Doesn’t surprise me as I am never in touch with how I feel. She writes that I practice skills but I don’t always do that. I have a hard time doing it on my own. Even the partial program is starting to get on my nerves about skills. I just don’t believe in them. I don’t know what will help but I know that whatever I am doing isn’t working right now. Meds are not helping me but then I am not at a dose that is helpful.

I got an email earlier today about how a researcher wants to use my blog as part of his research so I am happy about this. I am glad my writing is helping someone.

failure so I don’t try

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sad that I am in a lot of pain and in a depressed mood same time as last year when I tried to take my life. I am so suicidal but so fearful of being another failure I don’t try. I have been in pain since 0330 this morning when I woke up with shoulder pain. I stayed up for an hour trying to get it to calm down. I can’t remember if I took a BT med or not. I was in agony.

I have been in a lousy mood all day. My friend pissed me off this morning over a misunderstanding. I am so upset with her that I can’t bring myself to talk to her. Then I had partial hospital which was basically just attending groups. I was uncomfortable throughout as my shoulder was still hurting me causing my neck to feel out of sorts. My hamstring in my left leg was hurting me as well. I just felt like the left side of me was just not going to be happy today. My ankle was bothering me but not as bad as the shoulder pain. I just wanted to sleep but I couldn’t because I had group. By the second group, I had enough. I forced myself to a third group and was in agony and full of piss and vinegar throughout the meeting. I just wanted to lay down. I was bored and the group didn’t hold my interest. I am finding it hard to participate in them. I often have nothing to contribute or to add. I don’t relate to anything being said.

After the third group I texted my therapist that I was in a bad mood and we texted for a bit. She didn’t want me to have therapy if I was going to be angry. I thought things over a bit using DBT and realized I was more hurt (physically and emotionally) than angry. That helped diffuse my anger somewhat. I went to therapy and we talked. I told her in two days will be my anniversary of when I last attempted to take my life. I told her of the day and it was similar to what I am feeling today with being in so much pain. I am so depressed but I don’t feel the pressure of suicidality that I did last year. I do have the pills to do the job if I choose to go through with it. But I fear I will be a failure so I don’t try.

I didn’t nap today though I tried. I was just in too much pain and anguish. I was really upset that I was misgendered. Even my therapist misgendered me by accident. She was really sorry she did as it was a typo. The sentence didn’t make sense so I knew it was an error but it still stung just the same. Yesterday my mother called me a girl and it hurt so bad. Then she fell which got me worried so I couldn’t be “angry” at her so much. I hate that caring for her sometimes over takes the feelings I have for her, especially when they are negative. It drives me crazy.

listening to the 80s

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Listening to 80s

I felt like listening to Pandora today so just turned it on and 80s music started playing so I will keep it on that. I love the 80s. I had coffee and I am somewhat energized. I haven’t decided what I am going to do today. I need to go to the grocery store for half and half and coffee. I might go this afternoon. My back is still bothering me from trying to find this book that I just ordered another copy of. Fuck it. I still got to go to the bank and deposit some money so my account isn’t overdrawn.

My allergies are bad today. I keep clearing my throat and coughing to clear it. I hate when I am so congested in the morning. Makes me gag. Brushing my teeth was fun. I am sucking on a cough drop to sooth my throat. My sister is out of quarantine Tues. I can’t wait. She must be so bored.

I need to shower today. I smell. I need to be better about showering as I have just been showering once a week for a while now. I used to shower every other day but I have let it lapse. I just seem to shower when I can’t stand the feel of my hair anymore. I have a full beard now so I need to wash it or it gets itchy. I have decided to keep it for now. I like it. I just wish the tiny bald spot would grow hair. It is one of the reasons I have to not keep the beard.

My back is still bothering me from looking for the book last night. I don’t think it would be wise for me to go out today. I don’t want to get stuck while out like I did before. I will just get upset. But the only priority today is to shower. Just hope my back doesn’t crap out on me. It is really bothering me right now. I just want to lie down and rest. I am getting hungry but I don’t feel like making something to eat. I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday. I only had Ramen noodles all day and some pretzels. I don’t really know what to eat. I want to make a chicken sandwich but for some reason it is nauseating me so I don’t want to eat anything. I might make a fluffernutter. It is a sandwich with peanut butter and fluff (marshmallow crème).

The one self-care thing I absolutely hate is nail cutting. I swear my nails grow superfast and I feel like I am cutting them every week. I hate it. I hate toe nail cutting more. My sister just came up with food so I don’t have to worry about it for now. Yay! I will have some in a little while.

Saturday Blog 12122020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12122020

I’ve had a rough day. I can’t seem to get going. I woke up with hunger, which is unusual so I had some ramen noodles as that was what I was wanting. I got the download link to One Night Lonely with Mary Chapin Carpenter but I haven’t been able to download it to my phone so that my MP3 recognizes it. It is stuck in dropbox app and I don’t remember how to “free” the songs. I have to google it I guess.

I had partial yesterday and a meeting with the therapist which felt good to talk to him. He validated a lot of what I was going through and is willing to have a reduced schedule for me because of my pain. I will go three days a week and go to 3 groups. I haven’t decided if I will do that. I am going to give it one more full day to see how I do. It is tiring even though it is on virtual. I can’t say I am learning a lot because it is a lot of old stuff through the years being brought up once again, with the distress tolerance and wise mind and mindfulness. All DBT stuff I have learned before.

The therapist and I talked about how I was really feeling and I honestly told him how I felt. It felt good to finally tell someone that pain is again causing me to be so miserable. It was good telling someone that this might not work for me because of pain and he understood this to be a barrier in treatment.

I did have a good session with my therapist Thursday afternoon. She thinks trauma is the reason I get suicidal and depressed because I am not dealing with it. I thought about what she said and it made sense. I told her let’s work on it then but she thinks I don’t have the coping skills to deal with it right now. We are going to give a few weeks of partial a shot and then go from there. She is on vacation in a couple of weeks so it might not be until the new year that we work on this. I have no idea what it entails. I am tempted to read my “trauma and recovery” book that I got in college but I don’t know where it is right now. I think it is in the basement with my other books from my office. I just tried to find the book but it isn’t there so I don’t know where it is. I will just order another copy.

Trauma has been something I have stayed away with in therapy for a long time. It was something I never thought I needed to go through. Seems like now I got to face it and I am not sure I can do it. I just hope my therapist doesn’t refer me to a trauma specialist because I won’t go through with it. I don’t want to see two therapists for basically the same problem.

I’m listening to Taylor Swift’s folklore again. I want to get the new album but I have to deposit money in my account. I will probably do that tomorrow. My favorite song on this album is exile. It is a duet and it is so good. I have it on repeat right now.