Category: chronic physical pain

random thoughts 19 Dec 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today. It was the first appointment since my attempt on Monday. We talked about it and she is temporarily taking away my texting her until I am more stable. If I need to talk to her, I need to use the patient web thing. I won’t use the web thing because whatever I write gets put into my medical record. I had to send her a message today when I got home though because the concussion doc that I saw yesterday gave me so much more medication than I thought he was going to give me, especially after I told him I attempted on Monday. Fucking idiot. But then, not surprised. Professionals stay away from suicide as much as they can.

I got a few decent hours sleep so when I woke up, I was rested and decided to get moving as I was antsy. I was so nervous about seeing my therapist as I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. She told me that she isn’t going anywhere and to my relief she isn’t transferring me to someone else. I get to see her Monday, which is my birthday. I will be making zucchini bread sort to “celebrate”. The one I made for Thanksgiving was gone so I really didn’t have much of it the last time I made it, much to my disappointment.

I was developing some problems cathing so I let my urologist know. She said to come to the office the next day and she would put in a catheter. I went yesterday, after I saw the concussion doctor. I have a leg bag again. I cracked myself up today when I was going to pick up the medication the concussion doc prescribed as it can cause urine retention. I laughed because I have a catheter in me so it doesn’t matter if it does or not. I am not sure when I am getting this sucker out. The nurse is supposed to call me tomorrow when my culture results come in. They already did and it was negative so I want this out of me but it might be a while. I am not sure. As much as it is a pain, I kind of like it as I don’t have to leave my room for anything. I am trying to rest my flared up ankle as much as possible because I can’t stand being in pain anymore. If I can avoid the stairs, I will. I need to change the bag into a bigger one because fucking hell, I do not want to wake up at 3 fucking AM to empty the sucker. I just hope I put the damn thing in right because I really don’t want urine on my bed!

I have a concussion that the doc is worried about because it has been two weeks and I am still having symptoms. My memory was not perfect. When he gave me four things to remember, I remembered two. I know I totally fucked up counting down numbers from 100. And even something simple as remembering the date was out of touch. I couldn’t think what month this was. It was really difficult trying to have therapy as I kept losing my words for things. At one point my therapist told me to just take a breath and think then speak whatever the emotion was. I have trouble knowing what the fuck my emotions are anyway so today I just didn’t know my ass from my elbow. I got so frustrated because I couldn’t name how I felt. She wanted to know and I had no words. She jokingly said that we both will be without a jokester for a week and a half. We both are sarcastic as fuck. She will be away from Christmas until after the first week in January. She said we need to plan something while she is gone. I am kind of scared of what that will entail. I am not sure if she wants me to do shit while I am concussed still. I don’t see the concussion doctor again until the week she comes back. Both my therapist and psychopharm are out at the same time. I’ve been in this situation loads of times though not particularly after a suicide attempt. I know I will be alright. I just don’t think they will. The psychopharm wants me to call warm lines should I get suicidal again. She gave me a bunch of links in the Boston area which I didn’t even know existed. I probably won’t call them. I’ve never really found hotlines helpful when dealing with chronic suicidal thoughts.

An idiot, I am

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mood disorders, painsomnia

Pain got the best of me this morning. Early this morning I was ready to doze off finally after being up all night. Laid down and within 15 minutes, pain got worse. I had enough so I got the elixir out. I wasn’t sure how it was going to taste. I took a swig. It was peppery and I checked the ingredients to make sure it didn’t have pepper in it or my stomach was going to reject my attempt. I kept taking shots but nothing was happening. I waited an hour. Nothing. By now it was like 6 am. I maybe dozed off for an hour or two, not consecutively though. By 0700, I gave up. The stuff wasn’t causing a reaction. I was mad and pissed and a jumble of other emotions.

I texted my therapist at midnight saying I wasn’t going to see her tomorrow. She thought it was today so allowed me to cancel. Mood was all over the place. Then she texted saying she couldn’t see me because she was really sick. That was the last text I got from her. I sent her a few more but got nothing. I went about my day.

I went to see my friend at the Navy Yard. We chatted for a few before he had to go back to work. I then went off for my appt with OT. We discussed the caths and stuff related. I asked her what would be best in cathing in bed and she told me it might be easier but I could get too comfortable with it that it would be the only place I would. Right now I am just planning on doing it when my ankle is 12+ level pain so I don’t have to go downstairs. I got a urinal and she showed me an type of catheter with a bag from the same company that makes the ones I use. She is going to recommend them to my uro so she can order them for me. These will be so much easier as then I don’t have to worry too much about wetting the bed with an accidental miss. Throughout the conversation I was having trouble keeping it. Concussion symptoms were in high gear today. Memory was finicky at best and my thoughts were not always on point. I would forget mid-sentence what I was saying and then totally blank out completely. Didn’t help that I sleep deprived.

After the appt, I went grocery shopping. I wanted burgers and turkey bacon. 4 things and I wiped out when I got home. I wanted to nap but couldn’t. I asked my mother to make burgers. She did, almost using the two pounds of meat I bought. I told her not to use all of it because I wanted to make dirty gravy. Now I need to buy more meat, which means going out in the storm tomorrow. Fucking fuck. I am so pissed she just did what she wanted with my stuff.

The only side effect from my failed attempt is a sore throat. I haven’t officially told anyone. I feel more hopeless and useless now than i did before. I put in a call to the NP as the therapist wanted me to involve her in this. She (NP) never called me so not sure when or if she will. I texted the therapist about it. Still got no response so she must really be sick. I don’t know if she is going to figure out i duped her with appt days. I did ask saying if there was an opening to let me know. I cannot see her Thurs but will if i have to. I see the behavioral med psychologist then. I cannot see the therapist and him on the same day as insurance won’t allow it.

I really don’t want to let on I tried to end things today. I feel like I will get in trouble if I do or worse, get placed back in the hospital. I will know more tomorrow if the therapist is feeling better.

Wed morning I see the concussion specialist. I am being evaluated for a TBI, which is what a concussion is, a traumatic brain injury, though a mild one. I am having a lot of symptoms so hope they can help. I know I have been bad about screen time and resting my brain. It is so hard though doing absolutely nothing sitting in the dark. I wouldn’t mind if I was drugged out on something or maybe I just need an ativan to help me sleep while my brain recovers. I still am getting headaches and pain at the back of my head where I banged it. Short term memory is shot. I can’t remember things like i used to and i have to write stuff down. The OT suggested I have an alarm set to start being on a bladder schedule so i know when to pee. I think i am going to put it in my med app as i can order it for every 6 hours or so without disrupting the time schedule. Trick would be at night so i don’t wake up in the early morning hours just to empty my bladder. But if i should have to, i now have the urinal and obviously the caths to do it. The OT also gave me a few higher quality chux pads. That was really nice of her. Now I can order them through Amazon. I haven’t decided if I should get disposable ones or washable. The price is pretty much the same, except for washable you get 4, disposable I think is 50. If I get the washable, I won’t have to reorder them, which would be nice.

I am feeling pretty worthless about failing, again. I guess I am just not meant to die. And this bothers me so much.

dumbass 674 word blog at 1 am

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Dumbass blog at 1 am

I cannot sleep even though I took some melatonin. Or I am fighting sleep because my ankle continues to be stabbed repeatedly in the same bloody spot that past 7 hours or so. I lost track. I am just disgruntled and want to fucking die but really am not sure what I plan to do is going to fucking work.

My bowels are backed up so I just took some Miralax. At 1 am. So I might have a bowel movement in maybe 12 hours from now, which will have me on the subway. I am brilliant, aren’t I???!!! I am so tired of keeping track of shit, literally and figuratively. I sent my therapist a text saying I won’t be seeing her tomorrow. But it’s still technically Sunday so that means today and the appointment is for Tuesday. My concussed brain fucked up. I am ready to give up on everything and just starve myself.

I posted some IG videos and pics today. I look like death hungover. Really, I look terrible and might take down the pics and video. I can’t believe I put them up to begin with. I am such an idiot sometimes. Ok, maybe all the fucking time.

I see the OT later today. I need to leave the house in about 9 hours. I am seeing her to talk about cathing. I am going to try and see if she can show me the best way to cath while lying down or sitting on the bed as that would be good on days I am in so much pain and don’t want to go downstairs because of causing more pain. I know eventually I will have to empty the container/urinal or whatever I use but the hope is not to be going to the bathroom when my pain is a 12+. She is very knowledgeable about spinal cord injuries and referred me to see someone that actually knows something about cauda equina syndrome AND CRPS! I am going to make an appointment with that doctor soon as I know what the hell is going on with my back and if I need surgery. Sucks I probably got to wait till next year to know as the holidays are up and I am sure the head honchos in radiology are on vacation. If I have to take the MRI again at the hospital where my surgeon is (MRI was taken at an affiliate hospital) then so be it. I don’t want to continue to lose function. I think my legs are starting to lose their stability as when I go downstairs, they shake. I have to go one step at a time or they just feel unstable but even then I have to hold on to the banister with two hands to make sure I am not going to fall. Hence another reason why I need to be taught to cath at the bedside. I will really be “set up” once I learn. I will have food (Ensure) and water so I really don’t need to leave my room except for appointments or something. HAHA OMG I have become an invalid or maybe I want that? I don’t know. I am just thinking of ways of staying off my damn fucking stupid ankle because standing hurts so damn much. Every time I stand up from bed, my ankle bones feel like they are being crushed.

I can’t stand this agony anymore. I really don’t know if I will go through with my idea tomorrow (today). I want to but I feel like a fucking chicken if I don’t try. I mean shit, I have been planning all fucking year and have not attempted. Came close a few times but did not attempt. I am starting to feel like such a loser for not trying. Just want to tempt fate a bit and see what happens. One day I will try it or maybe I will die in my sleep. What is wrong with that??

still in a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Still in a flare

I’ve been in a flare the past several days. Ankle is being stabbed repeatedly along with the 3-5 metatarsals being crushed. I took some hydroxyzine last night and omg I can’t take the shit anymore. I am so hung over. I might as well have taken tequila. My head is still hurting, right where I whacked it the past few hours. I took some Tylenol. I haven’t eaten so haven’t taken ibuprofen or naproxen. I decided to give naproxen a try as it last longer, well is supposed to anyway. I still need to take something for the headaches. I also feel like I am coming down with something. Not sure what. I think it is bronchitis as been wheezing at times. I am not an asthmatic so the wheezing is usually because of infection. It’s not all the time though. I don’t have an inhaler. I could use my mother’s, though I am not sure how old it is. I had one the last time I got this kind of sick but no idea where I put the inhaler. Probably in my jacket pocket or something. Throat is sore from all the clearing of the throat and cough. I have to call my pcp tomorrow.

Been feeling really shitty mood wise. I sent my therapist an article about suicide that my friend wrote. I am actually supposed to meet with him sometime this week. Not sure it is going to happen. I am feeling suicidal and apparently, one of my blogs I wrote last week which said how I was going to do it. Being in a concussion and not remembering what the fuck I write, I sent this blog to my therapist. Fuck. I took out the incriminating piece so that it cannot be used against me. But I know she knows.

Because of the medication, I have been going on my own today though I am not 100% sure I am emptying my bladder when I go. I was not sleeping through the night because of the of bladder. I know I woke up at midnight all fucking confused and staring at the time, wondering why it was midnight. I have no idea what time I went to sleep. I know tonight I am just taking my meds and nothing more. If I do, it will just be melatonin. I’m almost maxed out on my pain meds for the day. Fucking hate that I can only take two a day when I am in a lot of fucking pain. I have to space it out or I just don’t get to take anything. Sometimes I can take two if it is at night but most of the times, my flares are during waking hours so have to take something to get through. Then pain is unbearable at night, causing me to be up all night or afraid to go to sleep because of increase pain upon lying down. But this concussion is making everything so much worse. I emailed my neurologist the other night, I think when I was up all night because I just couldn’t sleep. I went to bed around 7 am yesterday morning. Things have been foggy. And my damn mother has been calling me like crazy. Thank god I blocked her because her ringtone annoys me (yes that is why I have it LOL).