Category: psychache

Ramblings 26

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today my story about my attempt was posted on another site. I had positive feedback from it but I am kind of worried not everyone will be so positive. I still am nervous about a lifetime commitment somewhere.

For about a month now I have had a cough that won’t go away. I see my PCP on Wednesday for pain issues so I will bring it up then. I just hope that I don’t have to go on antibiotics as this thing isn’t clearing up on its own so I might have to. I hate taking antibiotics. Because I take so many meds, it’s sometimes difficult to pick on that won’t interact with the others. And I am pretty picky about which one I can take versus those that I have problems with. Class called Cephalosporins will do nothing for me. Cipro works ok but a Z-pak won’t do anything. It will just cause the infection to recur a few weeks later.

I took a shower and brushed my teeth today. I was too lazy to go out today. I wanted to but just couldn’t find enough energy to get dressed. I watched some TV but didn’t watch my Bones. I just can’t seem to sit long enough to.

Been thinking about my ex today. My MP3 shuffle played our song or rather the CD that I made her and made me think of her. I often wonder what she is doing and what she is up to but I can’t go back to her. We broke up because I couldn’t stand how she was not taking care of herself anymore. She was being blasé about her medical condition and it bothered me that she refused to seek help or medication to control it. Plus she has a little one at home with disabilities that I was fearful she was going to have a seizure and be out of it with her daughter around. Didn’t sound like I was going to get through her head so I just broke it off with her. Let her find someone else that cares and lives closer (she was also 90 miles away from me so it wasn’t going to work out).

My leg has been bothering me since last night but there is a big snow storm coming this way. Just what I need. I hate the snow and ice. Temps are supposed to drop to single digits after the storm so it’s going to get cold, supposedly. I generally have the believe of I’ll believe it when I see it.

Pain has been minimal so far but I am sure it will get worse as this storm rolls through. I know that much because I wouldn’t be in pain if it was nothing. I’m just a human barometer. What I am debating is taking my pain meds now or waiting closer to bed time. But I think I am going to take my big gun med as this pain has been going on for more than 24 hrs and the small guns haven’t touch it.

Listening to Carrie Underwood. Love her voice. And her song “Wine after Whiskey” is touching me right now. Guess it’s left over ex stuff…

football and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I decided to take a break from writing yesterday. I was hyped up on watching football all days so couldn’t really think about what I wanted to say.

My mood has been slightly better over the last few days. I am not thinking constantly of suicide but still have the depressed mood. Last night my leg was acting up and I thought I was going to have a long and painful night but soon as I took my sock off, the pain and pressure dissipated. Leg is still a little sore this morning but nothing compared to last night.

Yes, I was watching the Pats against the Ravens last night. Though after halftime it was more like the Ravens against nobody. The Pats just could not get to the Ravens’s Quarterback and so he was making all kinds of first downs leading to touchdowns, which made me very unhappy. After the fumble in the 4th quarter and the Ravens got the ball, I knew the game was done. Cooked, over. Patriots didn’t want to win and showed no sign they wanted this game. Despite Brady making all kind of NFL records, he lost. I just can’t believe it. The game truly sucked and I am at a loss for words…

On another note yesterday my niece brought me coffee. She was supposed to get me Blue Java but I think the barista gave her Blue Mountain instead as it tasted stronger and heavier than my Java. I can’t drink strong coffee. I like a mild to medium coffee. I will make my Java today and see if it comes out the same but I doubt it. I know my coffees!

The kids have the day off today because of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday. I like it when they are off because I get to see them more. Keeps reinforcing my reasons for living.

My other blog goes live today. I am really nervous about it because it is a national organization for suicide prevention and training. It is a new newsletter blog that started last week and my story is going up today. It is at http://www.suicidology.org/AAS-blog. The blog is for suicide attempt survivors and the intention is to provide support and a voice to those that have tried, so hopefully they won’t try again. I feel like a hypocrite with this because of my varying levels of suicidality at times. Most people attempt and they forget about it in time. I have not and still want to take my life but I like I said in an earlier paper, I lost my lethality. Right now unless the wish fairies or a genie comes out of the bottle, I doubt I would get my wish to die to come true.

Ramblings 25

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Not been feeling good today. Back has been bothering me and so has my stomach. Seems like no matter what I eat lately, I get indigestion. I just took some Mylanta, the Walgreens equivalent as the real Mylanta hasn’t been on the market for quite sometime.

I got my haircut at my cousin’s house tonight. I had to get my haircut because it was getting too long. It’s been at least two months since my last cut. I like to keep my hair short and buzzed close at the sides and back. I wanted to take a shower afterwards but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I just washed my hair and that was it.

I was supposed to go out tonight but the Bruins are playing and I didn’t feel like going to a bar. I just don’t like loud places anyways.

Person from my long term disability company called me yesterday to check in. I don’t know what to say to her. I still have pain but it has been minimal because I no longer leave the house anymore. I might go out three days tops, and that is only if I really feel like going out for a coffee. Today I went out and now my ankle is thanking me with pain. I just can’t win. And what if she asks me about my mental health. I will just say yea I think about killing myself nearly everyday and wish every night before going to sleep that I don’t wake up. I just can’t face another day of nothingness. I haven’t been taking care of myself, more now so than before I got the disability. I shower maybe twice a week if that. I don’t do housework, though my mother now needs help with it. I’m not sure how I can help her as I can’t really be on my feet for too long.
It sucks having Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I’m lucky it likes the cold as the temperature has dropped to the twenties. I cannot tolerate the heat anymore. I like to be warm but not too warm. Sometimes I can’t even have the sheet on my feet/leg it bothers me so bad. But at least the swelling has gone down some though I still have a lump in my leg where it shouldn’t be. I so want to excise it. But I have been told that I might cause more damage if I excise than leaving it alone. I’m just glad that the voices haven’t been around telling me to excise it. I would have to go back to the hospital. I am taking my antipsychotic med. I have to take it every other day or else I become delusional and psychotic. It has been helping with the paranoia that I had when I was on a crowded bus or train. Now I can be around people without freaking out that they are going to kill me. How fun it is having Schizoaffective disorder or as my therapist calls it just bipolar disorder with psychosis. Apparently I don’t have the “positive” features of the Schizoaffective part.

I haven’t been hospitalized for almost six months. That’s good but I have been feeling like I should be in. I just can’t take living my life anymore but then I know I won’t really get the help I need. Most hospitals don’t have time for individual work and so lump you in with a group of treaters to talk for 15 minutes of the day. Then it’s back to the ward doing nothing but arts and crafts all fucking day, least until dinner time. The groups they have are useless. On a good day you might get psychotherapy group. I like that group, I can get something out of it. I should make an effort to go to an outpatient group therapy but of course I have no motivation or inclination to do so. I think it might break up the monotony of the day but that would mean leaving the house at least once a week. I was thinking of going to a LGBT group to be more comfortable. And maybe help with the transitioning of things but I don’t think you can do that in a group. I don’t know, maybe next week I will call. Or have my therapist call to find out more information about it. It will be local so I wouldn’t have to travel too far. I just am afraid I might not be able to walk to the center because it is too far from the T stop. There isn’t a bus that goes by and the closest train stop is more than a few blocks away. Difficult for someone with mobility issues. Course I could take a cab but that is just wasting money to me but maybe it is something to think about. But that is if I get “accepted” into the group to begin with.

Mental and Physical Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, writing

I’m up in pain and listening to Casey James. I love his music and guitar playing. I think the guitar is the best instrument to listen to when you are in a bad mood. It just does something to the brain. Or maybe I just like it because I like it.

So I am in pain tonight because I did too much today. Can’t do stuff that a normal person can do like go up and downstairs, put a bookcase together and then carry it up the stairs even though it wasn’t that heavy. I plan on getting a bigger one, maybe a six shelved case. That ought to be able to get my stuff off the floor. Right now my new book case is half full and I haven’t even really started putting stuff in it yet. My “bible” of suicidology books doesn’t fit in it so I am going to have to put it in the bookcase in the hallway.

I wish I could do things that I used to be able to do without pain. My left foot feels like it is being stabbed repeatedly. In addition to being stabbed, it also feels like it is going to snap if I move it the wrong way. Oh the joys of nerve pain. Always changing. It never is the same night after night. Makes it interesting and then when you go to the doc you have to explain to them that the pain has changed. No you no longer have a barbed wire across your ankle, you just have a constant drilling feeling. Sometimes I think the doctors think you make this stuff up just to get drugs but without the drugs, I would be a suicidal nightmare. It is bad enough that I want to cut. But that I because of another issue.
My back is aching like I did manual labor for hours. I can still move but I know I will probably be a little stiff tomorrow. I will do some of my exercises to loosen up the tight muscles before getting out of bed tomorrow. That is all that I can do to prevent a relapse. If it hurts too much I can always drug myself to obviation.

I thought that would happen by now but I still have some words left in me that I have to get out before succumbing to pharmacology. I am hoping tomorrow I get my hair cut. It is getting pretty long and I don’t like it long. I especially don’t like it when I have wisps of hair sticking out of my ball cap and glasses. It is driving me crazy but my cousin has assured me that tomorrow afternoon he will cut it, though he didn’t call tonight to confirm.

Did I tell you that my foot hurts? My ankle is having weird pains and my leg just is on fire? I can’t win tonight. Why am I in pain other than the fact that I did too much today? Why does doing too much bother me? No it’s not because I am fat and lazy. Its because I have been left with a nerve condition known as Cauda Equina Syndrome, CES for short. It’s when the horse’s tail part of your nerves get disrupted because of a trauma or disc material gets embedded in it. In my case I had this syndrome twice due to a disc rupturing. I have had four back surgeries, 2 at different levels. If I had them closer together I might have needed a fusion and then I would be permanently out of work forever. Right now I am out of work on disability. Mostly because of mental reasons. I also suffer from mental illness as I constantly want to kill myself every day for this reason or that but I am forbidden to do it. I just can’t muster enough courage to end my life. I constantly wish I was dead just so I wouldn’t have to deal with my physical or mental pain. Right now I am just dealing with the physical. But throw in some mental pain and I am ready to be committed and that is no fun.

I wish I had normal control of the lower part of my body again. But I don’t think it is ever going to happen. If anything this pain reminds me that 12 years ago I messed up my back due to a chiropractor. She adjusted my spine and my disc responded by exploding. It left me with something called foot drop and I have been in trouble with my left foot/ankle/leg since then. I get tired easily. I can’t walk long distances like I used to. My foot will just become weak the more I try to use it. It sucks. And I am only 37 years old. I don’t know how I got to be this old but I know I won’t make it to be 38…