Tag: chronic illness

I showered and am hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I showered and am hurting

I decided to bite the bullet and shower as it has been almost a week since I last showered. It felt good to wash my hair but my back cramped up. I tried to hurry so that it would calm down. The worse was getting dressed as I was just hurting so much. I could barely move. I hate this. I can’t even enjoy a shower anymore. I took a Ativan as I already took some Zanaflex. Doc got back to me and increased the dose. It hasn’t made a difference. I am going to give it another few days and then let the doc know. I am supposed to take it three times a day and I have been taking it only twice a day. Most of the time it is hard to get that 3rd dose in. I hate three times a day dosing. I can remember to take it twice a day but that third time is always a killer.

I have been feeling really down. My thoughts have turn destructive. I texted my therapist what they were as I didn’t know what else to do. I told her I would listen to some country tunes (which I am doing now) and then read. I decided to blog first. It has been a while since I last read. I am reading two books and they are so different. One is the city of brass. It is a middle eastern book about fantasy. The other book is about the cold war with Ronald Reagan. The book is interesting but it is long and talks a lot about the Russian politics in play at the time.

Back keeps playing up as I am typing. I have been trying to stay hydrated but I am not that thirsty so it is hard. I just want to nap but I am not that tired. I had woken up a few times during the night. I woke up with the room hot so I had to put the AC on. Then I woke up because I was cold. I needed coffee so I got up and had a sandwich. I have been having fluffernutters, a sandwich with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. I love it. It is really good. I really want a cheeseburger from McDs but I can’t justify the cost of delivery for one burger. I might get an ice cream with it. It is still early for dinner.

My ankle was feeling weird in the shower. Sometimes the water annoys it. Now it is flared up and I am so down about this. My back and ankle hurting me is not a good combination. Maybe I will treat myself to McDs and get some nuggets, too. I just don’t want to make something to eat. I won’t be able to stand too long. I just hope the ankle pain settles down soon. I will take a BT med soon. I am so tired of taking pills all day. I never get a break from it. It depresses me so much. It really causes me to have dark thoughts. Thoughts these days have been floating around and haven’t let up much. I so want to act on the thoughts and sleep for a good 10 hours or so but I am scared that it might not go how I think it will. Pain makes it hard to think. Always hard to think. But always wrapped in emotions.

therapy and meeting with GYN surgeon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and meeting with GYN surgeon

Yesterday I had a meeting with one of the top GYN surgeons at the hospital I go to. We discussed having a hysterectomy. It was a good meeting and I said that I didn’t want it right away as I wanted to build up my endurance first. She said that I would have to have some testing done so we had some time but it should be within three months because that is when her schedule gets tricky. I am planning on having it done in Feb of next year. It will be a day surgery so I don’t have to worry about staying overnight. She described the procedure and it doesn’t look to be too complicated. I just worry about a prolapse bladder, which I forgot to ask her about. We discussed the need for keeping the ovaries but as I am on testosterone, I don’t have to worry so much about menopause, unless I stop taking it. I am glad I will have this useless organ out of me.

I had therapy yesterday and it went well. We talked about coming up with a schedule that will help me sleep better and to have some routine. We spent the session talking about it. I told her I would go for a walk and then she suggested that I write. I am not sure writing in the mid-morning early afternoon is good for me. I don’t write well at that time. We did build in naps so that I can rest. She thinks I am pushing myself too much and that is why I am tired all the time and feels so frustrated with my recovery. I guess I just have to give myself permission to relax at times when I have done too much. But what I do changes my level of tiredness. I could do the same thing every day and one day it will tire me out and the next day it won’t. Like showering. Some times it really wears me out and I need to rest a few times while in the shower to rest my back. I told her about how Friday was a bad day that I tried to make good at by getting my haircut. It just made me more tired and I had to rest the weekend.

Today I made coffee but didn’t finish it. Post nasal drip was so bad that I kept on gagging, making drinking not a pleasant experience. I took a walk afterwards and met with my neighbor who had her dog out. It was good seeing the boxer again. I missed seeing her. She was rowdy, running around in circles. I still need to get dog treats so I can pet her. Otherwise she ignores me. LOL. I came home and did fairly well. I had to stop at the corner where there was a bench to rest my back. It was the only rest that I needed to complete the walk around the block. It was really beautiful out today. Weather was perfect.

I need to take a shower. I got sweaty and I smell. I have decided not to shave my beard for the month of November. I am just biding my time because I know I am going to be exhausted after the shower. I haven’t been eating so lost some weight. I let my psychiatrist know as the new med causes weight gain but I am going the opposite way. I asked him about my lipids and he said that he will check them when I am on a stabile dose of the Latuda. I asked the pharmacist yesterday if it causes any bladder issues and it doesn’t. Guess it just is nerves for me. I have urodynamic testing next month. I am kind of nervous about it. It is such an invasive test. I will find out then if there has been a change in my circumstances and maybe I can get off some of the medication I take for my bladder.

The First of November 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The first of November 2020

I have four birthdays to celebrate today. Three are friends and one is a family member. It is the beginning of birthday month. I always dread it and this year, I am dreading it more so because my aunt is no longer alive. Every time I think of her death, I am panged with grief and heartache. I talked to my sister about celebrating her birthday and we agreed to go by the cemetery where she is buried.

I shaved and showered today and it came at a price. My foot bones acted up and I am still hurting hours later. I took a pain med because I had to. I am close to crying the pain is so bad. I had to shower because I smelled so bad. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I had taken an Ativan so my back didn’t cramp up so bad. It did anyway but resting helped ease it. I wished the hot water helped but it didn’t. It did help some of the tension in my neck and shoulders. I found that soothing.

I did my meds for the week. I almost forgot to do them. I usually do them around 2pm every Sunday but I wasn’t in the mood this week as I was just getting up. I figure I would do them before I wrote my blog for the day and I did. Now one less thing to worry about. Twitter is annoying me with me vote stuff. One of the historians I follow was talking about past elections and I can’t stand it. The next few days are going to be rough. Between Covid and election talk, I am stressed out. I only leave my house if I have to. I have not even left my room long enough to empty my recycles and trash. I have to do this this week because my AC needs to come out before the weather gets colder. I would have had it removed today but it is raining again.

I need to find my heating pad. I want to see if maybe using that on my back will help the cramps/spasms. I sent a message to my surgeon about what to do. Hopefully I will get an answer by Tues. If not I will call and see what he recommends. I have had it with all these cramps and nothing but rest helping.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I don’t know what to talk about. I have been racking my brain about things to talk about but nothing comes to mind. I have an anniversary of when I went into the hospital back in 1994 coming up later this week. I always remember it because I wanted to die on Nov 5th. I really wanted to die that year. I was in one of the worst depressions of my life. It started in August and didn’t end till maybe June of 1995. It was a long depression. I had started college about two weeks after I got discharged from the hospital. I made the Dean’s list that semester. It was the only time I made it. Self-doubt nearly destroyed me after that. I felt like I was just not good enough.

PT and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT and other stuff

I had PT today. I wasn’t going to go but I made myself. I so wanted to sleep in and cancel the appointment but I went anyways. Luckily, I didn’t have anymore problems with my stomach. I was worried but it cleared up after I gone to the bathroom. I have had an upset stomach for most of the day. I just had coffee and some soup for dinner. I really haven’t felt like eating.

I ordered my groceries for tomorrow. I don’t know how I am going to get them up the stairs as my nephew has been working in the mornings. I hope maybe my niece can help me. I know I won’t be able to do it myself. It would take me all day just to get half the stuff up the stairs. I learned my lesson from last time.

I have been feeling tired for most of the day but haven’t slept. I told the PT that I have been tired lately doing stuff but she didn’t really have answers for me. She is trying to build my endurance up. She gave me some home exercises to do. I hope that I will be able to do them.

My ankle has been smarting all day, probably due to the rain we are having. I am going to take my night meds in a few minutes so I hope the night dose of pain meds will help. If not, I will take the BT meds. I hate this pain. It is like a knife stabbing me right in the joint.

I have been running hot and cold today. I don’t know what to make of it and hope I am not getting sick. Have been putting on and taking off my long sleeved shirt. It is kind of cool in my room and I am under blankets. It is not helping my ankle being cold. I am just glad I haven’t been having back cramps today. It has been nice to move without them.

I need to shave and shower. I probably will do that tomorrow after my groceries get delivered. My beard is coming in as I haven’t shaved in more than a week. I haven’t felt like shaving regularly. I take it as another sign I am depressed. I haven’t listened to Taylor Swift’s latest album in a while so I just put it on. I really love the tunes. I think it is her best album yet. It is so down to earth. Perfect for the Pandemic.