Tag: chronic pain

Feeling grief over instability and the unknown

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grief over instability and the unknown

It has been 12 years since I was on the mood stabilizer Trileptal. It has been one of the best drugs that I had been on. I was no longer having a roller coaster of emotions. It helped my psychache, to a degree. It helped the deep dark depressions that I had. Now I need to be switching to a new medication and face the unknown as to whether or not it will work for me. The Trileptal also helped with nerve pain. I don’t know if this new mood stabilizer will do that, too. I feel sad that this drug will be gone once I reach a dose my psychiatrist feels comfortable with. This all happened because my blood sodium levels dropped and I felt like shit. I was sleeping all the time. I couldn’t do things without having to take a nap afterwards. It was awful. I am used to feeling tired after doing something because chronic pain takes a lot out of you. You need recovery time after doctors appointments or doing the laundry or hanging out with friends or even just doing self-care like brushing your teeth and showering.

I am feeling sad that I am no longer on this medication. I am scared of what the new medication might bring. What side effects will I have? My psych said there is a risk of developing a rash like Tegretol. That was horrible! But that is the reason we start slow with this drug so it doesn’t happen. I hope it doesn’t happen because I don’t like hives. I am allergic to two medications for rash, both were tried for mood stability. I am already slightly hypomanic. I am trying my best not to spend my last few dollars to pay for my meds tomorrow. I kind of got into a spending mood when I got paid, which is kind of unusual for me as I just pay my bills and then might buy one or two things that are necessities. This time I was buying refills for pens and other stuff that I don’t even know what I bought. I bought my revised book so I could have copies of them. I still don’t now what to do with the other copies that are the 1st edition. I tried entering an author’s blurb again and could not fucking do it. GRRRR. I should have changed the layout but the hell with it. It is published and that is all that matters.

I shaved my head this morning and then showered. I used my Neutrogena shower gel that has a nice scent to it. I didn’t feel like using soap. But I think lifting my arm to wash aggravated the nerve I annoyed this morning so it is hurting me again. I hope it is gone by tomorrow. I might sleep on my left side tonight and hope my leg doesn’t wake me up. Sometimes when I sleep on that side, the pressure of my other leg on top of it hurts it and I wake up in pain. So I sleep primarily on my right side. If I am still in pain tomorrow, I will dust off the body pillow and use it to annoy me. HAHA no, I’m kidding. I will have a better sleep with it despite it taking up the bed. Oh well. I am going to sleep now, or trying to!

bad night of sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad night of sleeping

Last night I could not sleep at all. I didn’t go to sleep till around 7 am. It was too hot and I was trying to get it to be cold but every time I laid down, my brain was racing with a million thoughts or thought about things in the past. I tried to calm down but nothing was working until I turned on the whisperer machine and took a bunch of Neurontin. I then used my shoulder as my pillow while I slept and must have cut off a nerve as my arm was very painful when I woke up. The pain in my shoulder went from front through the back, though if you pressed on the back it sent shockwaves down my arm. I didn’t have use of my right hand for a bit. Now things are slowly getting back to normal. I shaved my head and washed my face. I should have taken my shirt off but I didn’t so it got all wet. I had to change.

Friday I gave my barber the post cards for my books. It was slow so we chatted for a bit. He is really a great guy. I told him I was keeping my sides shaved and he said he knew. I said I fucked up the back and he said it will grow out in two weeks. I said three days and laughed. He did too. The T is making my hair grow faster though the facial hair is still slow to come in.

I might make cookies today if my arm goes back to 100%. I really feel for the people that don’t have use of their arms. It is terrible. Just trying to make a cup of iced coffee was a bitch. I didn’t know how to sit because pain was going down my arm into my numb fingers. Man I hope that doesn’t happen again. I looked at my pillow when I came back to my room and it was smooshed against the headboard. No wonder I had slept on my shoulder, no pillow! I think I need to dust off the body pillow and use that again. I slept really well with it but it takes up so much bed space and really splits the bed in half.

Things are ok between my mother and I, for now. I really want a cat and she said no so i am really sad. She still doesn’t think i am a guy so purposely uses she pronouns and then says well been calling you that for 40 years bullshit. She doesn’t try. Over Christmas after I corrected my brother in law’s mother on what my name is, my mother told her this. I was feeling lousy and didn’t have a voice so just ignored it, not wanting to ruin things. It really upsets me that I don’t have a supportive mother. I see things on FB all the time about your mom always having your back and being a friend, etc. I hate the woman. She has never accepted me because I am not what she imagines I am or should be. Very tough to live with her but i don’t have $$ to move out so. We each respect our own space. Because I have not been sleeping well, we have different eating schedules so we don’t have meals together anymore. I think that bothers her but I usually eat in the late afternoon and then she eats two hours or so later. I am not hungry then. Then I just make whatever if she doesn’t cook anything.

I have my shot this week. Still no major changes though I have notice my voice is changing however slowly. No one is noticing though!! My face shape is more linear than when I first started. It looks like I have lost weight. I have lost 10 pounds but not sure if I lost more. I have been living on protein bars the last 24 hours. I want to make an egg and toast but with my arm being funny, I will wait. Nothing fancy just sunny side up. Really easy but I need use of both my arms. I think in an hour I will be okay, I hope. Or I might have my mother make it for me telling her not to put any salt or pepper on it. She uses too much to my liking!

As I am up, I am going to try and stay up but cookie making is out. I want to try and read my book on being a white racist. The book is called White Fragility. It really challenges your thinking. I was hoping to read at least two chapters but in the middle of the first chapter I read, holy hell. I never knew how much I was following the culture and being a racist without knowing it! Sure I have white privilege. I wish I could change that. I just got to be aware of how I am around people and what I say. This book is really helping to open my eyes. I wrote some quotes on my social media (Twitter (@midnightdemon2) and Facebook), if you want to check them out. You might have to scroll a bit as I was complaining about not sleeping. I use Twitter as my complaining board because I have no one else to talk to. I sometimes get a response, sometimes I don’t. But then it is in the middle of the night so people are sleeping while I am awake!

My lunatic aunt gave me a Christmas gift. My mother wants me to call her. I prefer to send her a thank you note to avoid speaking to her. It was a Starbucks cup with some coffee and something else. It was thoughtful. She knows I like Starbucks. I don’t like the coffee in the package thing but that is alright. It was the thought that counts, right?

Weird few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Weird few days

Met with my psych today. I told her I think I’ve been hypomanic as I’ve been spending like crazy and have become really impulsive. I crash at night per usual or the next day. It would explain why my sleep cycle has been so off the past 2 weeks since lowering my dose of trileptal. So I am going to take another mood stabilizer, lamictal, and hope it does something. I have been having more flare ups which I feared might happen as before my 2nd CES, I was only on the trileptal. I was barely taking pain meds and nerve pain was controlled so I didn’t need gaba..that all went to hell when ces hit me again and my ankle became CRPS. But since the pain med change I was fine. Now that I have had to lower the trileptal. Omg holy hell. Flares hurt more. Like 7 days. They are getting harder to control. I am having to do whatever it takes to stop hurting. I know it will bite me in the ass but until the mood thing straightens out, I don’t think anything else will be helpful. I didn’t want to play too much with Gaba during the day because I could literally walk into walls or worse fall down stairs. I have to be careful at night with dosing and how much I drink because if I have to pee, well I am dozy. I’ve also become suicidal again. I haven’t told my therapist yet. But my psych gets it. I was in a bad flare and if I could move, I wouldn’t be here. Luckily, I am not planning again during times I am not in pain so that is good, least for now.

My insurance for mental health benefits suck. My therapist says it is the worst ones out there and he will be leaving the provider network sometime this year. So it will just be Medicare I will be billed. I had this whole idea just to use this insurance but now doesn’t look like it.

I am fucked because like I said I spent money I shouldn’t have. I have some cash but had to mail some stuff out so that has dwindled. I don’t know what the cost is going to be for lamictal or pain meds yet. It will be Monday. And I hope the starter pack is covered. I just have to watch out for rash. Great. I think I was on it before but the doctor was increasing it monthly and wanted me up to 300 mg. After 2 months I said fuck it. It would take 6 months to get up to 300 and I was on at 75 mg at 2 months. It didn’t help my pain at all, but then dose was so low. The most expensive meds are my psych meds. Monday I find out what my pain med is going to cost. Pharmacy can’t run it through until processing it. So dumb.

I see my pcp this month. I got to ask him what to do about this heel pain. I don’t know if it is plantar fasciitis or not. The stretches haven’t been helpful but I am going to try them using a belt. It is really inflamed and when I was using a gel insert I felt my foot turn causing the side where I have torn tendons to hurt. Needless to say, I am hurting. I came home and my mother was in the living room. We were talking and I turned around, nearly lost my balance. So now I am using the walker until things calm down. I am in my room and going to blog soon. Was supposed to go to my niece’s party but I can’t do stairs. Plus I don’t want to be around anyone as I am really irritable with the pain and hypomania. I don’t want a fight. Almost happened NYE as my know it all cousin tries telling me diabetes doesn’t run in our family. Her uncle and my mother, her aunt have it, my other uncle was diagnosed, though I think he has type 2 not 1 that my mother has and a lot of cousins with it. But it doesn’t run in our family. I had to walk away. She is so dumb and believes “drugs” causes schizophrenia as well as the naval service. So infuriates me. I feel bad for her brothers as one does have schizophrenia and the other bipolar disorder. No support at all. I’ve decided after NYE, I am done with them. The whole time I was surrounded by my cousins, I felt like an outsider. It was so toxic to be around them so washing my hands of them. My sister wants the nuts at her house, fine. I won’t attend. I don’t care. I had the worse flare NYE after cooking and partying. I was in agony because my foot was so swollen (also manic but whatever). I couldn’t move my big toe. It was so big. Just not worth the aggravation.

So that is what is going on. Hopefully I don’t have to change therapists because I don’t know if I can afford him once he is off the insurance. 20% is a lot when you are broke. I just have to uninstall Amazon lol fucking thing makes buying shit so easy. Lol

Psychache scale

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

hello,

I am probably breaking the rules but this is my version of the Holden psychache scale that he used in this paper Development and preliminary validation of a scale of psychache.
By Holden, Ronald R.,Mehta, Karishma,Cunningham, E. Jane,McLeod, Lindsay D.
Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement, Vol 33(4), Oct 2001, 224-232

I modified it from the original to suit my needs. You can get the original scale by getting the article. Here is also a blog I wrote on the research article (click here)

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