Tag: chronic pain

I showered and am hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I showered and am hurting

I decided to bite the bullet and shower as it has been almost a week since I last showered. It felt good to wash my hair but my back cramped up. I tried to hurry so that it would calm down. The worse was getting dressed as I was just hurting so much. I could barely move. I hate this. I can’t even enjoy a shower anymore. I took a Ativan as I already took some Zanaflex. Doc got back to me and increased the dose. It hasn’t made a difference. I am going to give it another few days and then let the doc know. I am supposed to take it three times a day and I have been taking it only twice a day. Most of the time it is hard to get that 3rd dose in. I hate three times a day dosing. I can remember to take it twice a day but that third time is always a killer.

I have been feeling really down. My thoughts have turn destructive. I texted my therapist what they were as I didn’t know what else to do. I told her I would listen to some country tunes (which I am doing now) and then read. I decided to blog first. It has been a while since I last read. I am reading two books and they are so different. One is the city of brass. It is a middle eastern book about fantasy. The other book is about the cold war with Ronald Reagan. The book is interesting but it is long and talks a lot about the Russian politics in play at the time.

Back keeps playing up as I am typing. I have been trying to stay hydrated but I am not that thirsty so it is hard. I just want to nap but I am not that tired. I had woken up a few times during the night. I woke up with the room hot so I had to put the AC on. Then I woke up because I was cold. I needed coffee so I got up and had a sandwich. I have been having fluffernutters, a sandwich with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. I love it. It is really good. I really want a cheeseburger from McDs but I can’t justify the cost of delivery for one burger. I might get an ice cream with it. It is still early for dinner.

My ankle was feeling weird in the shower. Sometimes the water annoys it. Now it is flared up and I am so down about this. My back and ankle hurting me is not a good combination. Maybe I will treat myself to McDs and get some nuggets, too. I just don’t want to make something to eat. I won’t be able to stand too long. I just hope the ankle pain settles down soon. I will take a BT med soon. I am so tired of taking pills all day. I never get a break from it. It depresses me so much. It really causes me to have dark thoughts. Thoughts these days have been floating around and haven’t let up much. I so want to act on the thoughts and sleep for a good 10 hours or so but I am scared that it might not go how I think it will. Pain makes it hard to think. Always hard to think. But always wrapped in emotions.

therapy and meeting with GYN surgeon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and meeting with GYN surgeon

Yesterday I had a meeting with one of the top GYN surgeons at the hospital I go to. We discussed having a hysterectomy. It was a good meeting and I said that I didn’t want it right away as I wanted to build up my endurance first. She said that I would have to have some testing done so we had some time but it should be within three months because that is when her schedule gets tricky. I am planning on having it done in Feb of next year. It will be a day surgery so I don’t have to worry about staying overnight. She described the procedure and it doesn’t look to be too complicated. I just worry about a prolapse bladder, which I forgot to ask her about. We discussed the need for keeping the ovaries but as I am on testosterone, I don’t have to worry so much about menopause, unless I stop taking it. I am glad I will have this useless organ out of me.

I had therapy yesterday and it went well. We talked about coming up with a schedule that will help me sleep better and to have some routine. We spent the session talking about it. I told her I would go for a walk and then she suggested that I write. I am not sure writing in the mid-morning early afternoon is good for me. I don’t write well at that time. We did build in naps so that I can rest. She thinks I am pushing myself too much and that is why I am tired all the time and feels so frustrated with my recovery. I guess I just have to give myself permission to relax at times when I have done too much. But what I do changes my level of tiredness. I could do the same thing every day and one day it will tire me out and the next day it won’t. Like showering. Some times it really wears me out and I need to rest a few times while in the shower to rest my back. I told her about how Friday was a bad day that I tried to make good at by getting my haircut. It just made me more tired and I had to rest the weekend.

Today I made coffee but didn’t finish it. Post nasal drip was so bad that I kept on gagging, making drinking not a pleasant experience. I took a walk afterwards and met with my neighbor who had her dog out. It was good seeing the boxer again. I missed seeing her. She was rowdy, running around in circles. I still need to get dog treats so I can pet her. Otherwise she ignores me. LOL. I came home and did fairly well. I had to stop at the corner where there was a bench to rest my back. It was the only rest that I needed to complete the walk around the block. It was really beautiful out today. Weather was perfect.

I need to take a shower. I got sweaty and I smell. I have decided not to shave my beard for the month of November. I am just biding my time because I know I am going to be exhausted after the shower. I haven’t been eating so lost some weight. I let my psychiatrist know as the new med causes weight gain but I am going the opposite way. I asked him about my lipids and he said that he will check them when I am on a stabile dose of the Latuda. I asked the pharmacist yesterday if it causes any bladder issues and it doesn’t. Guess it just is nerves for me. I have urodynamic testing next month. I am kind of nervous about it. It is such an invasive test. I will find out then if there has been a change in my circumstances and maybe I can get off some of the medication I take for my bladder.

Anxiously Awaiting the Results of the Election

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxiously awaiting the results of the election

It has been two days since the election and we are not closer to finding out who won. We think we might have a chance but it can go either way. I am so fricken nervous about this. I have purposely been on the minimum of reading Twitter. Facebook is a little lighter in content but I have a few friends that are posting about it and it gets me rattled. All we can do now is wait until all the votes are counted, which is an arduous task.

I didn’t have supper so I ordered some cheeseburgers from McD’s. I couldn’t finish the second one. I did have the chicken nuggets that I ordered. I always order chicken nuggets. I am a nugget freak.

Later today I hope to do some errands and empty my recycling as it has piled up. I have two big bags of stuff. I also need to take out my trash. I got to empty my bucket by the bed first as it is close to being full. Yesterday I had no energy to do anything as my back was in bad shape. I still haven’t heard from the docs about increasing the dose of Zanaflex. I hope to hear from my neuro today about it. She is very slow in communications.

I haven’t had a bowel movement in two days. I just took some magnesium for two reasons, 1 to help the spasms in my back and 2 for bowel management. I haven’t been taking them because they have been causing loose stool so I stopped it on my pcp’s advice. Now I can’t go to save my life. I took some Miralax so hopefully I will have a movement today. Sometimes it takes a few days though and then unexpectedly, I will have colon blow. Not a good thing to have when you don’t have control over loose stool.

We made a compromise in therapy. For the month of November, I get three weeks of talking about anything stupid thing I want to talk about. But there has to be one week where there is treatment involved. I agreed to this. She wanted to switch to every other week but then changed her mind. I think this will be a good thing and might help me to talk more in therapy.

I am tired. It is a little after 4 am. I woke up around 0230 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. Probably because I was hungry. When I go on my errand I want to buy a snickers bar. I have been craving one since Halloween. I usually have candy but this year my brother in law didn’t put it out because of Covid. I don’t think Halloween was allowed in our town.

I see my psychiatrist today. I got to ask him if he will be doing bloodwork because I am on the new antipsychotic. My weight hasn’t changed. If anything it has gone down instead of up but only because I haven’t had appetite lately. I hate to get my blood drawn but if I do I am going to ask for a CBC to check my blood count levels. If they are low that could be why I feel so tired all the time. I might need to take an iron supplement. But I rather have beet juice and carrots to build up my system. I think my sister has a juicer. I also want him to test me for diabetes as it has been a while since I was last checked. Hopefully he will listen to me and order the tests I would like. So far, I haven’t had too many side effects other than loose stool but that hasn’t happened over the last few days. I am back to being constipated.

My back is acting up again. I have been taking Ativan and Zanaflex to try and calm it down. Sometimes nothing works despite my efforts. Only thing I can do is lay down and rest, which sucks. I have to take a shower today as I smell again. Should be interesting as I wonder how many times I need to sit down before I am done showering. I got to shave, too. But I am thinking of using my electric shaver instead of the razor this time.

shifting anxiety to self care

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shifting anxiety to self care

I have been on social media minimally all day. I just check what is going on and if something upsets me, I stop scrolling and get off. I haven’t been feeling well. I woke up feeling tired and then when I laid down, my ankle flared up and it has been that way since. I am in agony. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I ordered McD’s and that was all. Today is my sister’s birthday but I don’t feel like celebrating. I am just in a foul mood. The ankle pain is searing into me. It is awful. I took some muscle relaxers and my pain meds to try and get it to calm down.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter so that I can relax. I am so tired. I want to watch a movie tonight but I don’t know if I will. I am getting sleepy from meds. I took my night meds early because I didn’t want to wait. I only took them a half hour early. I had been taking them later because they make me sleepy. I think the Latuda is really sedating. But I don’t stay asleep through the night. I sleep for a few hours and then I am up for a few hours.

I purposely kept off social media as much as I can today. I don’t want to know about the election at all. I am already nervous because the toddler in chief has put in a fence around the White House. Results won’t be known tonight. There will just be guesses and I rather find out tomorrow if there is going to be a tomorrow. With my pain making it difficult to move, I have decided that I am going to watch the Aristocats tonight. It is one of my favorite funny movies. It makes me laugh. And seeing as I feel wicked depressed, I think this will help some.

I am really tired today. I don’t know if I will stay up to watch the movie like I hope to do. I am just so sleepy. Being in pain is so draining. It is wiping out all the energy I have. I have had some fleeting suicidal thoughts. I have urges to take a certain bottle of pills. I have been resistant but my nerves tonight is testing my patience. I just glanced on Twitter and there was something about the KKK’s state being red. No surprise but it still is shocking there is a KKK. This group scares me. There are worse ones out there but the KKK always makes me fearful.