Tag: nerve injury

pissed kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pissed kind of day

I woke up around 0500 in pain. I took my breakthrough pain because it was too early for my regular one. I stayed up for a little bit and then went back to sleep for about an hour and half when my mother woke me up to put on her compression socks. I was not happy. I put them on and then decided to go back to sleep. I set the alarm so I could make breakfast before leaving for PT. I wanted to make pancakes. Alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. The alarm kept announcing the time. I was lying on my right side and didn’t want to roll over to shut it up. Eventually I did because it was annoying me. I laid on my back and after a bit changed to my right side so it wouldn’t hurt. My ankle was being a brat.

I went downstairs and saw that the bag that I had left on the table by the other set of stairs was gone and there was mail there. I asked my mother where she put the bag. I must have said it three times and she didn’t understand what I was saying so I starting yelling. She yelled back when she heard what I was saying. I got the bag and did all I could from slamming the door to the porch where she put it. I then got an umbrella because my back was telling me it was going to rain.

I went to the kitchen and made breakfast and coffee as I needed it very badly. I just hoped it wouldn’t make me sleepy. The egg looked really good so I took a pic and posted it. I usually don’t post my breakfast, just other stuff that I make like desserts or a kind of meal that I got a recipe for. I ate it while my coffee was brewing. I tried the new creamer. The fucking protective foil wouldn’t come off. I was getting so annoyed. Finally it gave way and I didn’t spill the container in the process. It wasn’t as sweet as the other creamer I used but it was okay. It did its job.

I grabbed the lid for the mug and then went upstairs to get dressed. My bitchy mother wanted me to mail something and go to the bank for her. Okay. I left and as I was walking to the bus stop, my lower back on the left side acted up. I had to take a break a few times to settle it down. I stopped where there was shade to put the Bluetooth on my phone and listen to my headphones. Then continued to the bus stop. The bus came and I rode to PT.

I had emailed my PT about how the home exercises were going. She said we’ll change things up a bit. She gave me three new exercises. The posture exercise was out and the knees bent clamshell was, too. She went over some weighted exercises to do with my upper arms and back to help my core. We had time after it so she decided to massage my hip muscle. We were talking and I asked her if my current problem was due to the nerve injury, cauda equina syndrome. She said it was most likely due to over compensating for the weakness after rehabbing because I walk fairly well for someone with having CES twice. She said she is very surprised I am able to walk as much as I do given my conditions. I said thanks. A few people in my CRPS support group have also said so. I guess between the high pain tolerance and not being able to sit still, I push myself to do things. I did that for three years before I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew once I was in the AFO at work I couldn’t work two jobs anymore. Even managing one job was hard. I guess if I could have cut my hours to maybe four a day it would have kept me working but I couldn’t financially do that. My health insurance would have been ridiculous and my mother would have had a fit for not providing enough for the mortgage.

I was feeling tired after PT. The bus was always a guessing game because I had no idea what time which bus was going to come. And there were no benches to sit so I had to stand while waiting. I think I waited 15-20 minutes for a bus to a station. When I got there, the bus was there for the one home. It kind of freaked me out because there was a carriage on blocking the passage on the bus and then people would stand by the entrance blocking anyone that came on. I just freak out when that happens. I don’t know why it gives me so much anxiety but it does.

I got home and then went to the bank before going home. I have done this for my mother a million times. The customer service person asked if I was my mother and I said no. She then went to the back to ask someone a question. She came back and said they would do this this time but next time my mother needs to do it. I asked why as I have done this before without a problem and she said it was because of the withdrawal. I said there was no money exchanged, the money was being transferred from one account to another. She said that was the policy and I got mad because my mother had done this before without problems. I guess it just comes down to who does the transaction.

I walked home and my ankle started acting up. I walked in and I heard my mother talking. Then I heard my aunt and I wish I wasn’t home. I didn’t want anything to do with my lunatic aunt. But my cousin was over with her 4 month old daughter so it wasn’t too bad, until I asked my aunt a question and she gave me the entire history of how my mother entered the country as she was in Italy at the time. UGH. She can never answer a question with a short fricken answer. The baby was even getting fussy. When she finished, I asked my mother what she was doing for supper. She said hot dogs and potatoes. I was like okay. I was hungry but could wait.

I went up to my room to cool down and rest my ankle. It was really angry. I took a breakthrough pill. I was playing on my phone when hunger got the better of me. My sister texted me to check on my niece so I went downstairs. My niece was okay. Then my hip started hurting me where the PT had massaged me. I emailed her to see what to do about it. I made dinner for my mother and I. It was hard getting around the kitchen with my hip hurting.

After dinner I went back up to my room and I swear I feel so exhausted. Like all the energy has been sapped out of me. I don’t think I will be listening to the Sox tonight. My leg is hurting so bad and I feel so depressed about it. I need to go out tomorrow to see my therapist. I hope this pain settles down. I might not do the home exercises tomorrow if my leg is hurting me. I hope a good night’s sleep settles this thing down. I am going to take my night meds early and call it a night.

day 5 and a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Day 5 and a flare (warning, long post)

Last night, I had to go to the bathroom kind of late, around 2300 or so. I was also hungry so went downstairs. I must have went down four steps and my ankle went out on me. It became really painful. I stopped and hung on the bannister to prevent falling. Pain subsided a little and I went down a few more steps only for it to happen again. Shit. I held on again to the bannister and waited for my ankle to calm down a bit. I knew the downward motion of my ankle was causing it to get annoyed. I finally went down the rest of the stairs and did my business.

When I came back up to my room, my ankle felt okay. The game was late as it was on the west coast and I couldn’t stay up as I needed to be up at 6. Around midnight, I turned in, or tried to. My body pillow was a mess and was not making me comfortable. I must have flung it off the bed as when I came up to my room today, the whole side of it was on the floor. It collected all the dust that surrounded it. Great. I used a lint roller to get it off. I just decided to use a regular pillow and somehow fell asleep. I woke up about three hours later in pain. It was too early to take the 12 hr pill so I took the immediate release. Two hours later I was still in pain so took the longer acting med. I was early but oh well. I then slept for about an hour until my alarm went off.

I took my morning meds and then went downstairs to brush my teeth and wash my face. I was deciding on what to wear. I thought I could wear shorts but it was too cold and it was kind of rainy. I decided sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt were in order. Except, I couldn’t find the one I wanted to wear. I scrounged my bed and it was nowhere. Oh well, just go with the one I usually sleep in. I left to catch the bus. As I got to the corner, the bus I was to take rolled by. Luckily, another one soon followed so I didn’t have to wait long.

I brought my Dostoevsky book with me. I had 45 minutes before PT. I got coffee at the lower end coffee shop and a coffee roll. When I finished the roll, I got to reading until it was time to leave for PT. PT was not so great. She gave me a few new exercises but I think I am going to have trouble doing it on my left side due to moving my damn ankle/foot. I might have to wear the AFO (ankle foot orthotic) to keep it stable. We just did the right side and she explained what muscles were moving. Then she massaged my hip. She said my muscles were hard as a rock. I said like a tennis ball and she said yes. Some parts of where she was touching was bothersome to my thigh muscle. I had to remind her that my L2/L3 surgery fucked it up. We talked about the PTSD and stuff that surrounded my pain issues and she offered some concrete grounding techniques which I will try as the ones I were using were not working. I chiefly use distraction and music. She had me laying on my back under some kind of box thing. As we were ending, she moved my knee to my chest and my back cramped up badly. It hurt so much. I was able to walk out of there but I was hurting. I came home because my next appointment wasn’t until 1500. I made a fried egg that I kind of overcooked the yolk. Then I went upstairs and was hoping to catch a nap. Well my ankle said no to that soon as I laid down. I left an hour early than I wanted to. I went to Starbucks for espresso and a Danish.

I read my book as I brought that with me. I was going to get some serious reading done. But my god, did Dostoevsky talk and talk and talk. It was about 4 chapters of the prosecutor giving his closing argument. When he was finished, so was I. I have about 8 chapters left in the book and I should be able to finish the book this weekend. Progress. I promised one of my suicidologists that I would read her book so I will. It should be somewhat easy reading once I remember where I put it. HA. Don’t know if it is buried on my bed or I put it somewhere else.

I went to my psychiatrist appt. I gave her the run down of being hypomanic without euphoria and the cycle I seem to be in. She didn’t read anything I sent her but she said she would read it as she always does. I felt kind of deflated because I really wanted to talk about the article I sent her. I couldn’t bring it up if she didn’t read it. I actually was not really present. I just glossed over things and she accepted it. I told her my therapist wanted to meet with me twice a week but I am not sure if I can do it physically, especially with physical therapy sessions going on as well. I had told him I would think about it and get back to him. She thought it was good to be seen twice a week. Then we made an appt for two weeks and I left.

My ankle was kind of giving me grief but it wasn’t bad until I got within two blocks of home. Before the Walgreens by my house, there is this dead end street that leads to some houses. The sidewalk has a little handicapped ramp that, to me, is very inclined. I walked down it and it brought me almost to my knees. Pain was so fricken bad. I had to stand in place until it settle down. It was the same as last night when I was going down the stairs but 10 times worse. I didn’t know what to do. My sister was away (or so I thought) and there wasn’t anyone else I could call for a ride. I took my blessed time limping home. The block that lead to the final block to my street was hilly and downward. OMG did it hurt to walk downhill. I had to stop a few times to catch myself. I finally made it home and my sister’s apartment door was wide open as well as my door. I called for my niece but there was no answer. I stuck my head in my sister’s apartment and called for her again. My sister was home making dinner. My other sister was there as well eating some kind of cheese plate. I had some cheese and pepperoni and chatted with my sisters. I then went upstairs. I took my things up the stairs carefully. I took a seat in the kitchen and my ankle just went berserk. I had no idea how I was going to walk down the hallway to my room. I was in a serious flare. I have been on the new med for five fucking days. I have no idea if CRPS doesn’t care if you take meds or not. I posted the question in my support group. I am still waiting for an answer or support. I had to take the med when I finally got to my room. It was two hours early but I didn’t care. After I made dinner with a boot on, my ankle still flared again. I took the breakthrough med. It is going to be a long night and I have been up for 15 hours so far. I cried in pain while I was in the kitchen. My mother was oblivious.

I don’t know what to do to make this pain go the fuck away. I thought the new meds would work and they did for a bit. Until I walked that handicap ramp, which I will never fucking do again. I wish I could say the same of the stupid stairs but I live in a two floor house so that isn’t possible. Even wearing the boot didn’t help. More than a few weeks till my date. I wasn’t going to go through with it. But I change my mind. I could still change it, again. I haven’t told anyone about this because people keep saying they need me and that makes me feel guilty. Someone also reminded me of the ripple effect and I told her to stop talking to me. I don’t want to hear it. I just want to be left alone in my misery that no one understands. I am so done with explaining about how suicidal I am and not getting any understanding about it. Not that I want support for it. That would be ridiculous. But to know at least where I am coming from rather than have supposed opinions. I just have become callous to anyone that thinks they know me.

I did ask my psychiatrist if she thought I was “treatable”. She said yes. But that is all she said without any elaboration. I am in too much pain, both mentally and physically, to tell her what I am thinking. I am also afraid of telling her what I am thinking for fear of another hospitalization. I won’t go this time, not unless I make an attempt. That is the only way I will go back. I just hope to be successful. Things will be really bad if I don’t succeed. I am scared though. I’ve never tried this method before. And if I don’t get it right on the first try, I am kind of screwed. I am just messed up.

bitch rant about everything today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bitch rant about everything today

So my fucking pain woke me up *kindly* at 3 am. Took an hour and half to get back to sleep. When my alarm went off, I didn’t want to get up. I stayed in bed for 45 minutes, literally down to the minute to get up to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and then get dressed to catch the bus. I got to the bus stop and checked the schedule. The bus wasn’t coming for another half hour to the Square so caught the other bus to catch another bus. I got to Starbucks and joyfully had my espresso. After yesterday’s hassles for caffeine fix, this was heaven. I had a sandwich and then had to catch the train. My pain had gone down, and I was suspicious but just kept going.

The doc was about a half hour late. She said I could take the allegra twice a day until allergy season was over (I have year round allergies, so don’t know what this means!) My lungs were clear and then I begged her for a chem panel to check my electrolytes. She put the diagnosis as bipolar 2 as she didn’t think my insurance would cover with a bronchitis diagnosis. Whatever. This was at 11 am. Still no labs back. I hope my potassium isn’t elevated.

I went to Boston’s Back Bay area to get my second phone fixed. It was going to take an hour so I went across the street to Starbucks so I could write in my journal. It was a nice day. The Starbucks didn’t have seating inside so I sat outside. I was by the Public Gardens and when my phone was done, I so wanted to walk through them but I was already tired and knew if I tried, I would hurt.

I went a different way home. I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus. I came home and I was just wiped out. I wasn’t having too much pain in my ankle/foot. I went up to my room and I nearly collapse. I just had a severe wave of exhaustion. I wanted a nap but couldn’t seem to settle down. I made a couple of phone calls. I ended up with voicemails so had to wait for callbacks. Luckily, both called me back and I was able to settle the issues. I will be seeing my former PT next week for my groin issue. I sent her an email saying I would be seeing her soon and the reason why. I am glad I don’t have to go through my history as she knows it.

After about an hour and trying to figure out what to have for dinner, my ankle flared and I got a migraine. I was just not happy. I was also frustrated. My mother was watching some show with bad violin playing. I complained on Twitter and some Canadian responded saying it was a PSA for strokes. I had no idea what she was talking about. She then explained, like I gave a shit. She also sent me a YouTube video. I didn’t watch it. I don’t fucking care. Leave me the fuck alone. I said my mother was WATCHING not that she was playing a violin. Jeez.

My mother then went to the kitchen and turned on the TV. My head exploded so I wasn’t going to the kitchen right then. I figure I would wait till she was done and then get something to eat. 45 minutes later she is still there and doing the dishes, with the TV full fucking blast. I went downstairs. As I made an egg, I lowered the TV. When it was done, I said are you watching the TV. My mother said no do you want to change the channel. I said no, I want it off. She then asked if my ears hurt. I said no, I have a migraine. She sarcastically said something and walked away. WTF. My mother just doesn’t understand anything that is wrong with me, be it a migraine, my psych issues, my CRPS, etc. Leave me the fuck alone. I ate in silence until my mother turned the TV in the living room on and turned up the fucking volume. Thanks Ma. I wanted a hammer so I could smash the fucking thing. She has closed captioning so why she needs the fucking noise, I have no idea. Even on mute, the words come on the screen. I was fuming and it wasn’t helping my head or ankle.

went into a flare when I went back up to my room and my nephew came by. We chatted and flare seemed to settle. Went downstairs and my mother wanted coffee so I made it for her. Took of my glasses because my head was still hurting. brought the coffee to my mother and went upstairs. Reached the top of the landing when I realized I left my glasses in the kitchen. Do’h!!! Guess what flared again????

Sunday Blog 27-May-2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27 May 2018

I’ve been feeling sick most of the day. My stomach is still bothering me. I am going to make a cup of chamomile tea soon to see if that settles it. I would love some chicken soup but the package that I have expired, oh only 10 years ago. Oops. I’ll have to go to the store and get some more. I usually like the Lipton better than canned soup because I can add water to make it less salty. It is my comfort food.

Sox lost big time. I don’t know what is going on with this pitcher that was an ace last year. He got hit with a ball on Opening Day and I think it is affecting him in some way or he is hurt and won’t own up to it. My cousin and I were texting about it throughout the game.

I wanted to throw some stuff out in my room and clear things but I just feel so lousy. I just need the trash and recycles taken out. I need to change my sheets so need to clear my bed off. One corner of my bed is full of stuff. I have no idea how it accumulates. I’ve been bad on keeping it clear. Think I need to take one or two things off per day until it is clear as taking everything off will just overwhelm me and nothing till happen.

The weather is at least 20-25 degrees cooler today. I woke up freezing as I had the AC and fan going most of the night. Then my foot got ice cold and on went the thermals to warm it up. I’ve been trying not to nap as I did yesterday which didn’t do me any favors. I got hungry around midnight and ordered a burger. It was so good. I didn’t end up falling asleep until after 2. My med alarm went off around 7. I went to the bathroom and still had the shits but not as bad. I thought it was done until I woke up around noon. That is when I took the Imodium. I really didn’t want to because it constipates me more than my meds do. I really need to stay on top of it this week or I will have trouble the end of the week again. Sucks having to have these things to worry about constantly. My bronchitis isn’t doing me any favors either. I am still having wheezing and coughing after going upstairs to my room. Probably why I feel so worn out, dealing with these new things on top of my chronic pain.

Tomorrow is a holiday so I don’t have therapy. I was able to see my therapist at another time this week, which is good. I will see him on Tuesday. The weather will be better. I think it will be 70 most of the week.